NOTE TO AUDIOBOOK LISTENERS (NEW AND OLD): THIS IS THE MOST INTENSE SHOWDOWNS BETWEEN TANNER AND ELIAS IN THE ENTIRE SERIES AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THE AUDIOBOOK! CHECK OUT kaelking12's PERFORMANCE OF THE CHAPTER HERE & LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! MUSIC BY ED SHEERAN, NOVEMBER LIGHTS, ATHLETE, THIS WILL DESTROY YOU, AND ANDREW BELLE!
Elias
Somebody's knocking on Jersey's door.
They've been at it for the last ten minutes. Maybe fifteen. I don't know. I don't really care. Cause nothing outside of this room matters to me right now.
Jersey's curled up in my chest, head nestled against my shoulder, crying. She's been crying since we stopped talking and she's not alone in that. If my dad walked in right now, I know exactly how he'd take all this. How he'd think of me.
He'd stare down at the two of us with that crooked smirk on his face and tell me that everything that's happened is my fault. And for the first time in his life he'd actually be right about something.
He used to lecture me and Tanner about taking responsibility--even though he's never been responsible for anything or anyone in his life--including his own family.
And I promised myself that I'd be better than that.
That I'd be better than him.
But now that I'm responsible for all of this, I'm not too sure what that makes me.
I shut my eyes hoping it'll shut out the sound of my dad's voice in my head-but it only gets louder.
You did this.
He's gone because of you.
She's ruined because of you.
All of this is because of you.
I open my mouth to respond to him-to tell my dad that I didn't mean to do what I did, that I made a mistake, and that I'm sorry, but there's no one here to apologize to. He's just a shadow. A ghost.
You're okay, Eli.
You're okay.
He isn't here,
He isn't---
I bite down on my tongue when I start talking to myself out loud.
I don't want Jersey to hear me. I don't want her to know that I'm losing it when she's already in pieces.
Jersey tightens her grip around me and her touch kicks me out of the moment and back to Belmar.
Again.
I see the water, the sand, the sun in Jersey's eyes.
I see her rebel smile-the one that died after that day.
And then I see myself leaving. Stepping into that cab, sending that stupid text, and crying all the way to the airport.
And that moment keeps playing in my head over and over again.
And every time I see it, I stupidly hope that something about it will change. That I'll turn around and go back to her.
But a memory isn't something that I can change anymore.
Neither of us can take that day back.
And neither of us can bring our son back no matter how badly we want to.
So right now we're just--stuck down here without him. Just wrestling with our sadness in the silence like we always do.
Jersey hasn't said a word since I kissed her. She's as still as the air in this room--barely moving, barely breathing, just barely hanging on---but she's still hanging onto me. Her fingers are tangled up in my t-shirt---right over the place where our son is now.
I'm trying not to think about the fact that he's gone, or that I'm the reason why, but he's all I can think about.
And she's all I can think about.
Every time I blink I keep seeing her standing in that doctor's office alone. Making that decision alone. Going through losing him alone.
And I don't know how to fix it.
Or her.
I don't know how to carry this even though I'm trying.
God, I'm trying, and I know I have to keep trying because she needs me to be okay.
She needs me to be so much more than I am right now.
But I don't know how to be everything she needs when I feel like less than nothing.
When I don't have any answers even though I'm supposed to.
So I'm just sitting here waiting for the pressure in my chest to ease up. For the hollow ache to finally stop. But it doesn't.
And neither does the knocking at the door.
I ease Jersey away from me and look her right in the eyes before I get up to go answer it.
"Elias, where are you--"
I cut her off with a kiss to take some part of the worry away from her.
"I'm not going anywhere, babe. I just gotta tell whoever's outside to leave us alone and then I'll be back, okay?"
"O-Okay."
I stand up, offer her my hand, and pull her up until she's back on her feet. She looks so fragile now. Now that she's not hiding behind that Jersey grit, it's like staring through glass. I help her into bed and pull the covers around her until she feels safe. If it's possible for her to feel safe at all.
Even having to leave her like that and crossing the small distance between her side of the room and the front door takes a toll on me, but I can't take the noise anymore. I slide the metal chain out of the lock, pull open the door, and find Indigo staring back at me--looking more rattled than I've ever seen.
"Indigo, not right now. Please. I thought Alex told you--"
"I know what she told me, but I wouldn't be here unless it was really important. You both need to--"
Her voice fades out and my stomach drops when I shift my gaze over her shoulder and see who's coming down the hallway behind her.
Tanner and Caleigh are walking side by side staring at me confused and concerned. Like the fact that I look this way is some giant riddle. Like they've just walked in on a situation that has nothing to do with them. Like none of this is their fault.
Tanner opens his mouth to say something to me, but I can't focus on his words. I can't focus on anything else but the blind rage that's burning its way through my chest, kicking and screaming to get out in the open.
In rehab, they tried to teach us how to deal with our impulsivity. Our anger. They'd sit us down in a circle on Wednesday afternoons and make us breathe through any bad feelings that we had.
It didn't work then and it sure as hell isn't working now.
"Elias, where the heck did you guys go? You and Alex took off outta nowhere and--"
Stop talking.
"--I've been calling for the last half hour to see if you're okay."
"If I'm--okay--"
I ball my hands into fists and squeeze until my nails just about break through the skin. I need him to leave. I need him to take all of his bullshit and walk out the door before I do something I'm gonna regret.
"--do I look like I'm fucking okay to you, Tanner?"
The voice that comes out of my mouth sounds a lot like it belongs to the old me. The one who drank until he couldn't remember. The one who popped pills so he could forget. The loose cannon who needed an excuse to go off on somebody.
Anybody.
And right now I have more than enough reasons to go off on him.
"Dude, what's going on with you? I-Is this about what just happened with Darius? 'Cause that was--that was really uncomfortable for all of us. If I'd known he was the driver I would've asked for someone else. Honest. But I completely think if we all sit down and talk, we can totally hash out-"
Breathe, E. Just breathe.
I let out an empty laugh even though absolutely nothing about this situation's funny. Nothing except him. Tanner's acting like the guy who doesn't realize that he's the joke in the room. Like Darius is the only reason why I'm at the end of my rope. He's standing there gawking at me like an idiot and that's when it hits me. That's when I realize that as much as the responsibility of what happened to Jersey falls on me, the rest of it belongs to him. And Caleigh. And Mom. And Mindy.
And everyone who told me to get on that plane.
Everyone who kept Jersey's phone calls and texts from ever reaching me.
Every asshole at rehab who threw out my letters to her.
Every last one of those people deserves the blame.
But Tanner deserves the punishment, because he's the one who made the call.
"This isn't about Darius, Tanner. This about you. All of this is because of you," I say.
Tanner's Adam's Apple bobs in his throat as he tries to work through what I'm saying. I start walking toward him without any idea of what I'm gonna do once I get to him, but it's too late to stop myself. Tanner takes a couple steps away from me once he sees the look on my face but eventually holds his ground. His girlfriend's watching.
He's not gonna act like a pussy in front of her, but I'm gonna make him look like one.
"What's because of me? If I did something wrong earlier, I'm sorry, but you've gotta at least tell me what I--"
I hit him. Hard. My knuckles crash into the side of his face so fast his head whips to the left with a loud crack. This shouldn't feel good, but it does. It does because he always has the power. He's always winning. He's always the one left standing while I'm stuck on the floor staring up at his shoes. But today it's his turn.
Caleigh shouts something at me but I block her out completely. This isn't about her right now. This about me and him, Jersey and my son, and a score we've needed to settle for a long time.
Tanner's on his back trying to figure out which way is up when I throw myself on top of him and pin him to the ground. His lip's busted and his whole mouth's stained red but the monster in me isn't anywhere near ready to quit. I grab him by the collar and tighten my grip until the skin on his neck turns purple and his veins are bulging like cable wires.
"Sorry? You're fucking sorry?! It's way too late for that!"
Tanner grabs me by the wrists but I don't budge. I keep squeezing on his shirt collar until it sounds like he's breathing through a penny whistle.
"What the hell--"
Squeeze.
"---are you talking about?!"
I take a swing at him again but this time at close range. Tanner's head kicks back and blood spurts out of his mouth and onto his t-shirt. Caleigh's screaming at me now. Begging me to stop, to listen to her, and to think about what I'm doing. But what she doesn't know is that this is the first time I've thought straight since I left my girlfriend pregnant and alone on that beach.
"My son! Jersey was--she--"
Tears totally catch me off guard and choke the anger out of my voice for a few seconds.
"--we had a son and now we don't because of you. Because of your fucking mistake. Because you forced me to be a father to someone else's kid when I needed to be there for mine!"
I'm screaming at him. Yelling as loud as Dad does but I don't care because I want him to hear this. I want Caleigh to hear this. I want them to finally understand exactly what it is they did to us that day.
They've spent the last year living out their fucking dream of a relationship. Sailing through their classes at UCLA like a married couple with nothing but sunshine and rainbows following them around.
Meanwhile, me and Jersey have been drowning. Trying to tread water when we barely have in us to keep fighting. And no matter how hard we worked to keep our heads above water-we still lost everything.
We've lost more than they ever will and now we have to live with that.
We have to live with the ghost of a boy who we'll never get to see, touch, or name.
Who we'll never get to love.
That's what we're stuck with now.
That's what I'm stuck with now.
For the rest of my life I'm going to be the guy who gave up the family he'd die for for the illusion of one he never wanted.
"Alex was--after you left she was--what are you saying?"
Tanner trails off, his voice still shaking as the truth settles in. His eyes get glassy, wide, and full of tears when it finally hits him but it doesn't mean anything to me.
If I was a good brother, I'd try to find it in myself to stop all of this. To slow down and give forgiveness a shot like Pastor Todd told me to.
But I'm not a good brother, father, or son. So instead of feeling sorry for him, I snap.
"Do you seriously still not get it?"
I stand up off of him, cock my foot back, and step forward with every intention of kicking the living shit out of him. Indigo pops out of nowhere and puts her hand on my chest to stop me. She keeps telling me to slow down and think about all the people who are standing around watching my life fall apart, but I'm too pissed to think straight.
I gently take her by the shoulders and move her aside so she doesn't get caught in the cross fire. The second she backs off, I lock my eyes on Tanner and go right back to finishing what I started.
"Because of everything you made me do--Alex lost--"
"Elias, enough. Please. That's enough."
Jersey's voice cuts across the quad, and it's so soft, and broken that it stops me dead. I don't know where my anger goes or how she manages to put out the fire raging in my chest, but the second she walks over and touches me all of the sadness I felt in the room takes over again.
She slides her hands around my waist and holds me still when I need to keep moving. When every muscle in my body wants to take out all of our pain on Tanner. I try to get at him again as soon as I see Caleigh helping him to his feet, but Jersey keeps me back with everything she has.
Tanner straightens himself out and looks around at the crowd that's gathered around us in the hallway. There are so many phones, so many people taking pictures and videos of a situation that doesn't belong to them.
Half of me knows I should stop. That I should take Jersey back into the room so that nobody sees her or me like this. So that nobody sees any of us like this. But the storm roaring inside of me only gets louder the longer I see them staring, and the longer Tanner keeps staring at me. He's got nothing but disappointment and horror scrawled all over his face and I can't take it.
He doesn't have the right to be horrified at anyone else but himself. But I feel it extending to me. I feel his big brother bullshit seeping into his silence, and I'm done with it.
I'm beyond done.
"Please--please tell me that's not what happened. Please, just--"
"Oh it happened, Tanner. And it's killing me. And her. And now what are we supposed to do, huh? I can't take back what I did and neither can she."
Jersey's hands start trembling so I hold them to keep her steady. I feel her crying without having to see it, and as much as I hate to keep talking about everything we lost, I have to do it. I need my brother to understand. He still doesn't understand.
But Caleigh does.
I see the same anguish in her eyes that I feel in my chest. She's got her arms wrapped around herself like a child and she keeps shaking her head back and forth whispering "no, no, no's" into the air where they hang as heavy as her guilt.
At least she gets it.
Tanner's got his eyes locked on mine and his face is so serious I'm tempted to knock the expression out of him if he keeps it up for any longer.
"I didn't--"
His voice hitches in his throat.
"---I didn't want this for you, E. For either of you. That's why-I told you not to follow her in the first place."
"That wasn't your fucking call."
"Then who's was it? Yours? You weren't in the right place, Elias! I saw how you changed, I saw how you chased her and as much as I didn't want to think about it I knew something like this could happen. And you knew it too. You knew it was there, and you didn't listen to me. You never listen to me."
Each word he says washes over me like acid and burns through my skin a toxic syllable at a time. Part of me can't believe that this is what he chooses to say. That he still has to be right no matter how much wrong he's done. He's still ignoring it. Ignoring me. My son. Everything Jersey and I lost. And I can't deal with it anymore.
I gently take Jersey's hands in mine and untangle them from my waist one after the other. I turn around and stare down at her while tears slip off my cheeks and land on hers.
I tell her I'm sorry. Once, twice, three times--because I already know what I'm gonna do. And I'm gonna need a million apologies to get her to forgive me for it.
I ease her away from me so she can't reach out and stop me this time. As soon as she's far enough, I whip around and charge at Tanner. The hollow thud of my shoulder crashing into his chest ignites something inside me that pushes me to keep going. To hit him harder. To lose control.
So I do.
Before I know it, I'm backing him out of the quad full speed until his spine hits the stair railing with a loud clang. I hear the whoosh of air leaving out of his lungs and him struggling to breathe, but he recovers like an athlete.
He plants both his hands on my shoulders and shoves me backwards so hard I completely lose my balance. He takes advantage of the moment and pushes me again. I trip over my feet and hit the floor but I'll be damned if I'm going down against him that easy. I send the tip of my shoes sailing into the soft spot behind his knee and he crumbles to the ground.
As soon as we're remotely close to being eye to eye, I spit in his face and he slaps me. He slaps me so hard I end up flat on my back from the force of it.
Tanner's on top of me in a heartbeat with his hands pressed down on my arms so I can't move. I kick my legs out underneath him to try to break free but he's so much stronger than me. He'll always be stronger than me. And this is how he reminds of that.
"Get the fuck off of me, Tanner!" I say, but he doesn't listen. He only pushes down harder till my limbs go numb.
"Not until you calm down!"
I'm not going to. I'm never going to. I'll hit him until the pain goes away. Until the hole in my chest disappears. Until I feel nothing at all.
I manage to free one arm and the second I do, I take a shot at his face but he catches my fist in his hands.
"Elias, stop!"
"No! You don't get to do that. You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do anymore. I hate you. I--"
Tanner backs off me all of a sudden, pulls me a couple inches off the ground, and into his arms. But instead of falling apart like I always do, I fight him like a mad dog, thrashing around so he can barely keep me still.
"Elias, I'm sorry. I made a mistake and I'm so sorry, okay. I need you to hear that right now. I need you to listen to me!"
He tries to hold me in that way he used to when we were kids. Tanner could always calm me down. He'd do this whenever I was upset or angry or if Dad had laid into me-and it used to work. But it doesn't anymore.
"Don't touch me! Don't you ever fucking touch me again!"
I swat his hands away and he looks at me completely defeated.
"I had a son! And you still don't fucking get it!"
I let out something between a wail and a scream. A sound so broken and full of anguish the sound fills the entire hallway.
"My son is gone, Tanner. Because of you! Because of what you made me do. He would've been everything to me and you took that away. You took him and her away from me and it's not--"
Don't cry.
"--it's not fair. Because you have everything you want and all I want is my son back. For him to have a chance. But he can't, can he, Tanner? Because him being gone isn't just something we can go back and-"
I break down in front of my brother worse than I did after Lacey, worse than I ever have, and I hate myself for doing it. For crying like this. For letting him see me like this when I don't want him to. Tanner grabs me by the shoulders again and the sound of his voice is the only thing that keeps me from spiraling into myself completely.
"Eli, I didn't mean for this to--for everything I did---to turn into this. This is my---this is my mistake. I was wrong to do what I did and I need you to know that I never meant for you to lose your-"
Tanner stops talking and his eyes start racing as the weight of everything he's done settles in. He goes totally silent and that's how I know it's real. That's how I know he means every single word he's saying. But I don't know how to accept it.
I can't.
Because if he apologizes like this, I have to forgive him and if I forgive him there's nobody left to hate for this but me.
Dad's voice starts screaming in my head again. Blaming me, bashing me, and cutting me down. And then suddenly the voice switches from Dad's to Tanner's. But instead of hearing his apologies, I keep hearing the past. I hear Tanner telling me to leave, screaming at me to get on that plane, forcing me to take responsibility for Mindy and all of her lies.
I need to drown it out, but I don't know how. I don't know how to make any of this stop anymore. So I just explode.
I stop thinking straight and start throwing my fists at Tanner's face over and over again because I hate him.
And my father.
And myself.
Because I'm lost right now and he's always told me where to go. What to do. And how to handle the pain.
But I can't follow his lead anymore-because he's the cause of it. And he's all out of words. And there's no advice in the world that'll solve this.
That'll solve me.
Because there's no solution for a lost son.
Or a could've been father.
Or an almost mother.
And now all four us feel that.
All four of us are trying to find solid ground to stand on when the floor under our feet keeps slipping away like quicksand.
All of a sudden I become all too aware of my hands. They're wet, and throbbing, and too warm. And Tanner's sprawled out underneath me face covered in too much blood. And somebody's screaming. Camera's are flashing. People are closing in.
And I feel like I'm going crazy because I can't stop staring at my hands or Tanner's blood all over them.
I look down at him confused-like someone else did this, and just like that the anger lets me go for a couple seconds. I come back to myself trying to understand what I've just done when someone starts pulling me out of the situation.
I turn back and see Indigo lifting me off of my brother and up to my feet. She's using all the strength in her body to drag me away from Tanner before I lose control again.
"Elias, you have to stop. You've done enough, there's too many people here, and Alex needs you right now."
The seriousness in Indigo's voice redirects my attention off Tanner and back towards the chaos that's erupted in the hallway. I scan the quad for Jersey and find her practically pinned against the wall, surrounded by girls snapping their phones in her face and sneaking in selfies while she's in fucking tears.
I rip through the crowd and try shoving my way through anyone who's standing between me and my girl, but there's too many people. Caleigh beats me to the chase, but Jersey's body language completely shifts the second her cousin gets too close. All the walls she tore down in front of me earlier go shooting up again and she backs away from Caleigh like she's looking at a total stranger.
Caleigh says something to her but I can't hear it above all the noise. People are chanting "cat fight" over and over again, egging on the situation, like our lives are some episode of reality TV.
I finally get close enough to see that Caleigh's completely wrecked and practically begging Jersey to hear her out. But none of her desperation's getting through. Jersey's whole face is dark-and instead of saying a word in response, she just bolts.
She cuts her way through the crowd, runs into her room, and slams the door in Caleigh's face.
By the time I make it over to her, Caleigh's hysterical-a mess of tears and unheard apologies on the floor.
"Elias, I'm so sorry-It's just, I didn't know! Had I known that's why she-if I had answered her calls-I--I would've been able to-"
Her voice catches in her throat and chokes the rest of the sound out of her. Tears take over to the point where that's all she is now-just sorrow, water, and salt.
Less than an hour ago, I was in the exact same place she is now, and Indigo was right there to get me back on my feet. But I don't make a move to help Caleigh.
Because this is where she deserves to be.
This is the place where she left Alex after that summer.
Desperate, alone, and full of questions nobody would answer.
Full of pain that nobody knew about.
Carrying the weight of everything we lost.
Tanner comes flying out of the mob, eyes swollen, nose dripping with blood, and is at Caleigh's side in seconds. He looks at me but doesn't have it in him to say anything and neither do I. There's nothing left to say anymore.
He shifts his attention off me and goes back to trying to get his girlfriend to her feet but she doesn't move. She's too busy staring up at me with tears streaming down her face, saying a million things without saying anything at all.
The old me used to think that Caleigh was the picture of what perfection looked like.
That she couldn't do any wrong, or hurt anyone-especially her own blood.
The old me thought a girl like her was so good that she was easy to understand.
But there's nothing to be understood about what she did.
She kept Jersey from me.
She took my relationship from me.
And because of that I never had a chance to get to my son.
Because I never had a chance to even know he was there.
And I'm gonna need God to help me forgive her because I can't do it on my own.
I won't do it on my own.
So I leave her and my brother on the floor.
Outside of our lives.
Outside of Jersey's door.
And outside of everything.
Where they belong.
***
(Thank you guys so much for reading and a SPECIAL thank you to those of you who listened to the audiobook for this chapter because it was SUPER INTENSE and Kristen aka kaelking12 did a incredible job of capturing the extremely high emotional stakes for all of the characters in this chapter! If you listened to the audio please leave us a comment here so we know and can thank you!
NEXT UPDATE IS ON SUNDAY: OCTOBER 7TH!
Can't wait to share the next part of the story with you guys!)
#REALTALK QUESTIONS OF THE WEEK:
1. Would you consider Tanner a good older brother to Elias? Why or why not?
2. Who is more to blame for the current situation (Alex and Elias losing their son)--Alex and Elias or Tanner Caleigh?
3. Do you think Tanner has always had Elias's best interests at heart? Or was him trying to keep Elias away from Jersey selfish?