*Note: Check out the Audiobook version of this chapter by clicking the Youtube video above! Voiced by Kristen Maglonzo featuring music by Switchfoot, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, Secondhand Serenade, and Ed Sheeran. Thank you for commenting!
Elias
It always starts like this.
Panic sparks to life somewhere in my bloodstream and poisons my body a vein at a time.
It's quiet at first, subtle enough so that nobody notices.
So that nobody picks up on the feeling but me.
Sometimes I get warning signs--little cues that tell me something's bad's about to happen.
But today's different.
'Cause I'm already halfway to hell, and I didn't even get a head's up.
"Ladies and gents, now that our first class is coming to an exciting end, I'd like to reserve the last fifteen minutes for a brief Q&A with the wonderful Mr. King."
I force myself to smile at Professor Hayes like her question and answer suggestion didn't just send my blood pressure soaring through the roof. Even if I begged her not to do it, it wouldn't make a difference at this point.
Contracts are contracts, and if I want a shiny UCLA education, I've gotta play by their rules. Guesting in this class is a part of that deal. Doing whatever Professor Hayes wants is another.
I just hope she doesn't force me into being more "open and honest" than I'm ready to be.
"Sure thing, professor. Fire away, guys," I say.
Hayes pats my shoulder and then goes right back to blabbering about "appropriate and inappropriate" behavior during our open forum, but I tune her out halfway through her first set of rules.
I slide two fingers over the soft spot on the corner of my wrist and push down to find my pulse.
My heart's racing like crazy. It probably has been for the past two and half hours. Just running laps around my veins the longer I sit here pretending not notice her.
But I do.
God, I do.
My whole body's been burning since I spotted her hiding behind her notebook in the corner of the room. But she's barely looked at me once.
Okay, that's kind of a lie.
She did glare at me for a couple seconds when I dropped the title of my book straight to her face and freaked her out.
But that's about it.
Now she won't even glance in my direction, and honestly, I can't even blame her for it.
Alex's hand shoots up outta nowhere, and it takes everything I have not to stare at her.
"Yes, Ms. Summers?"
"Is this Q&A optional?"
"No," I say way louder than I mean to.
Alex rolls her eyes and puffs a stream of hot air out of her nostrils.
"I wasn't asking you, Elia--Mr. King."
Wow, really?
"Even if you didn't intend your question for Mr. King, he's absolutely correct, Ms. Summers. This is a major required seminar. Nothing in this class is optional."
For the first time since class started, Professor Hayes's happy-go-lucky smile isn't anywhere to be seen. I think I'm gonna like this lady.
"But what if I don't have any questions for him?" She asks.
Still such a liar.
"Then I'd advise you to starting thinking of some. I expect at least three thoughtful questions from you before the end of class," Hayes says.
I don't even have to look at Alex to get a clear picture of what her face probably looks like. Even if I wanted to try checking her out again, my lungs would probably quit on me thirty seconds into staring at her.
It's not like she's mine to stare at anymore, anyway.
She's Kai's now.
Which probably means that he's--
--that they've--
That son of a bitch.
"Need a new pencil Mr. King?"
It takes Professor Hayes pointing at the snapped No. 2 hanging between my fingers for me to realize that I crushed it.
I've gotta get outta here before I lose my shit.
If what I'm feeling right now is any indication of what's coming, I need to be alone, in my room, where I don't have to deal with any of this.
Where I don't have to deal with her.
I need to talk to Dan.
Pronto.
Screw the Q&A.
Screw all of this.
"Professor Hayes, is it cool if we end class early today? I'm not feeling--"
Halfway into trying to talk my way outta this situation, Alex walks up to the front of the room and shoves a crumpled piece of notebook paper in my direction.
"Here."
My hands start shaking like crazy the second I reach out to take it from her, but she's too busy running back to her seat to notice anything's wrong.
"Hold it right there, young lady. These questions are to be publicly asked to Mr. King, not privately passed out. Please stand up and share your questions with the class."
My eyes cut over to Jersey only to find her staring straight past me, her expression more distant than
I've ever seen.
"Fine. Why did you choose the color blue for your cover?" She asks.
Why won't you look at me?
"I didn't choose my cover. Someone else chose it for me. Next question."
C'mon, Jersey. Ask me something real.
"When did you decide to publish the book?"
When did you decide to go back to Kai?
"July 11th, but like I said before, that wasn't really my decision either."
She reaches into her pocket, unwraps a piece of gum, and pops it into her mouth before speaking to me again.
"So, given the fact that you obviously sold out to some big publisher who pulls all your strings, what creative decisions about the book did you actually have a say in?"
I try my hardest to look normal in front of her, to act like that question didn't just knock the air of me, but I'm barely breathing.
I swallow a mouthful of air just to keep my throat from closing in, but I know it won't fool my body for long. So I spit out the one answer she needs to hear before I can't speak at all.
"Who and what it was written about," I say.
Alex sits back down in her chair without saying another word. My eyes wander over to her face to see if she's still capable of feeling anything at all, but she blurs out focus.
Everything blurs out of focus.
I stumble backwards and grab blindly for my chair, but I miss it on the way down. The sound of my body hitting the floor disappears under the spitfire pulsing in my chest. I hear the whole room get up.
The screech of their chairs across the linoleum, and the shuffling of eight sets of feet closing in on me.
Get up, Elias.
Get up before they see everything's that's wrong with you.
Before she sees that she's everything that's wrong with you.
"Oh my goodness! Mr. King, are you alright?!"
Professor Hayes puts a hand on my shoulder, and I jolt so hard she startles a little. Shit.
"Yeah. I'm fine I just missed my chair. Sorry. Let's keep going with the Q&A."
"Are you sure? We can stop if you're not--"
"I'm fine. Really. I just wanna get through these questions before class ends. I promised I would."
Professor Hayes's eyes linger on mine for a couple seconds longer than I'm comfortable with, but once she sees that I have no intention of backing down, she turns her attention back to the class.
"Okay everyone, return to your seats. Everything's fine so please jot down three conversation inspiring questions you have for Mr. King! He'll be answering them in two minutes."
I force myself off the ground as fast as possible and do my best to smile and wave off the worried whispers running around the classroom. Nothing works. If there's one thing I know better than anybody, it's that once people start talking, you can't do shit to stop them.
I scan the room to see Will mouthing something to Annie, Annie passing it on to Ross, and Ross spilling the secret to his San Diego crew. Two years have gone by, and I'm still caught in the middle of everybody's bullshit gossip.
Nothing ever changes.
People never change.
The only one who's ever been different is her.
Alex is silently staring at me across the room with the same look on her face she had the night she drove down to check on me in San Diego.
And then it happens.
The space between us shifts and for the first time in over a year, I've finally got her complete, undivided attention.
And for the first time in a long time, I realize that I don't want it.
Not like this.
"So how bout those questions, guys? I'm ready if you are," I say.
I clap my hands together and paste on the kind of smile I usually only bust out in interviews. It's polite enough for people to believe in, but there's no truth behind it. But that's the thing.
These people don't want the truth. They don't wanna know the real me or the real reason why I wrote this book.
They want fiction.
They want the Elias King they see in the magazines. The polished, perfect, poster boy. Not the broken guy behind the mask.
Maybe that's what Jersey wants too.
'Cause every time the real Elias tries to reach out to her, she shoots him down.
Fine.
If it's a faker they want, then that's what they'll get.
A wall of hands shoots up across the class, but Professor Hayes crouches down next to me before I can call on anyone and put on the show they wanna see.
She trains her grey-blue eyes on mine while a hundred stress lines break out across her weathered face.
Great.
She doesn't buy into my bullshit even though I'm twisting my mouth out of whack just to fake a smile.
"Take this," she says.
Hayes unties a leather rope from behind her neck and places it into the palm of my hand. There's a small tied off white sachet at the end with script written across it.
"What is this?" I ask.
"Lavender. My husband used to suffer from anxiety that looked at a lot like yours. This did wonders for him on his worst days."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
I do, I'm just too fucking embarrassed to say it.
"Cut the fluff, young man. I was married to a man who, like you, denied that he had problems until the doctor forced him to face them. Please keep this. It'll help."
"But what about your husband? Doesn't he need it?"
She shakes her head and smiles at me with a little more hurt behind it than I'm prepared for.
"He passed away last year, so I think you'll make better use of this now than he will. Anyway, back to the question session!"
And just like that, she turns around to face the class with the same wildly positive energy she had at the start of the day. I don't know how she does it, how she bounces back from talking about someone she lost without letting it pull her down.
I don't know why I can't let things go like that. Why I can't pull my pieces back together like other people can.
When Hayes smiles at her students, she means it. She's genuine even though she's hurt. And here I am trying to be faker than I have the energy to be.
I wanna be better than this. I wanna figure out how be the person who doesn't shatter every time he has to let go of someone.
But today's not that day. Today, I don't feel any different than the needy, out of control guy I was when I first walked into rehab. Too bad a bag of lavender can't make my shadows disappear.
"So, what are you thoughts on that, Mr. King?"
I snap out of my daze only to find Professor Hayes and the whole class staring at me.
"O-on what?"
"Will asked you a question."
"Sorry, I didn't catch it. What did you wanna know, Will?"
The stick figure guy from Boston straightens up in his seat and stares at me. There's something off about him, about the way he looks at me. His eyes are shifty, a lot like the guys I used to room next to in rehab.
Maybe he's a druggie. He's got the look for it. But I don't wanna think about him, or what he does outside of class, or how much he reminds me of the people at Bellevue. I just wanna answer his question and get outta here before I have a mental breakdown.
"Well, I was just wondering if you ever sent these letters to the person you wrote them for?"
I pull at the collar of t-shirt just to keep my windpipe from feeling like its caving it, but nothing helps. I can't do this. I can't answer this right now. Not in front of these people, and not in front of her.
"That's a complicated question, Will. But the short answer's no."
Alex's hand rockets towards the ceiling outta nowhere and my heart just about stops. My eyes cut over in her direction, and there's a seriousness shadowing her face that has me wishing I could up and run out of the room before Hayes calls on her. But it's too late.
Alex has her heart set on opening her mouth and firing ammunition at me regardless of whether I'm ready for it or not.
"Did you have something you wanted to add, Ms. Summers?"
"Yes, actually I wanted to expand on to Will's question to Mr. King--"
If she doesn't stop with this impersonal bullshit I'm gonna break something.
"--It's Elias, Ms. Summers but you should already know that."
She fixes her eyes on me like a sniper.
"Oh, I do, I just don't think we have the kind of relationship that would allow us to be on a first name basis, Mr. King."
Did she really? Fine. Two people can play this game, and I never lose. Ever.
"What's your question, Alex? Can I call you that or do you have a nickname you prefer?"
She flashes me a fuck you smile like she's ready for war.
"Ms. Summers is fine, Mr. King."
"You sure? Jersey has a nice ring to it."
Alex turns redder than a Valentine. There she is.
"Like I said, I prefer to be called Ms. Summers, thanks. Anyway, I was wondering why you decided never to send any of those letters? It just seems kind of pointless to write that much and never get them to the person you wanted to read them."
Cold sweat breaks out across my whole body and snaps all my bullshit confidence into pieces.
"Because I...I guess I never found the right time."
She folds her arms across her neon chest and cocks her head to the side like she's ready to launch a full-fledged investigation.
"But I feel like if something or someone's that important to you, then there is no 'right time' to tell them how you feel--"
Unless you're trapped in rehab and a fake relationship for over six months.
"--Maybe the real problem is, you just didn't care about her as much as you thought you did."
She has no fucking idea.
"Look, if I didn't care about her, I wouldn't have put this book out there for her to find. I'm pretty sure that once she actually sits down and takes the time to read it, she'll know where I stand."
"That's assuming she reads it at all."
"Well, Ms. Summers, as Professor Hayes said earlier, some things in life just aren't optional. Next question."
The twelve thirty bell rings out from Royce Hall and stops the crossfire between me and Jersey before it blows up into WWIII. Professor Hayes scrambles to explain next week's homework while more than half the class gathers in globs to come talk to me at the front.
But I don't wanna talk. I wanna finish whatever the hell me and Jersey just started halfway through that question session. I mean, seriously, where did she get the balls to ask me something like that?
It's not like I totally wasn't expecting the question, but she could've at least waited until we weren't standing in front of a class full of people to drop that on me.
To make things worse we just so happen to be stuck in a class with a gaggle of grade-A trash-talkers who'll do anything to get themselves involved in other people's business. Especially mine.
"Excuse me, Mr. King, are you free to go over the curriculum now?"
Professor Hayes hands me a stack of papers the size of Chicago and I stuff it in my backpack before she can force me to stick around and talk about it.
"Sorry, Professor, I can't. I'm kind of in a hurry. Can we reschedule for later?"
I peek over her shoulder to see Jersey talking into her phone and bolting for the door like a bat outta hell. She mouths something about Northern Lights cafe to whoever's on the other line before she disappears all together.
"Of course, just email me a time and we'll work out things from there! Have a wonderful and relaxing rest of the afternoon," she says.
"Will do. See you later!"
I grab the rest of my shit off the desk and b-line for the door despite the mob of students begging me to hang back to answer more of their questions.
Three steps away from my escape Annie Berkotits steps directly between me and my exit. The girl's got an extremely perky set of potentially triple D's that I'm sure her boyfriend is stoked about.
Honestly, I don't think I can handle anything bigger than Alex's. Annie's look like they'd suffocate me if I tried. Not that I want to--I just haven't touched a pair of boobs in a really, really, long time.
And I kinda miss em'. Real talk.
"Got time for one more question, Mr. King?" She asks.
Annie hugs her notebooks to her chest so tight her cleavage is practically popping out of her tank top.
Dear God.
"Sure, but make it quick."
Quick.
Quickie.
Fuck, get your head on straight, Elias.
"Not a problem. Can I walk with you to your next class?"
No.
"I'm actually headed to Northern Lights to meet someone so--"
"Perfect! My Victorian Lit class is right near there so we can chat on the way."
If I said I was going on a suicide mission to the North Pole I'm pretty sure she'd follow me straight to my.
"Cool. After you."
She waddles out the door in what looks like the world's least comfortable pair of heels and starts rattling off to herself like she's already in the middle of a two person conversation.
"First of all, I wanted to tell you that I'm a huge fan of your work and--"
Okay, Eli. Don't be a dick, just act like you're listening. Nod and smile like a champion until she goes away.
"--I was wondering who was the inspiration for your book? I think I'm speaking for everyone when I say that we're all just dying to know."
"Alex."
Shit. Wait. Was that out loud?
"Alex who?" She asks.
"T-that's your name right?"
"No, it's Annie."
"Oh, yeah, I was just gonna ask if you wanted an autograph before you head to class."
I snatch her book out of her hand, whip out a sharpie, and scribble my name on the inside cover. Any distraction's a good distraction.
"Sure, thanks, but you didn't answer my question."
She runs her scarily long nails through her thick brown hair, and bats her eyelashes like it'll get her somewhere. I hand her book back and wait for her to drop the question and leave but she doesn't budge. She stares me down like a wild animal instead.
Annie's probably the kind of girl most guys don't say no to.
Oh well. Time to pop that cherry.
"Yeah, I know, and I'm not going to. See you next class, Annie."
She widens her marble sized eyes at me and sinks her teeth into her bottom lip.
"But, I thought that this class was going to be, up close and personal."
It already is.
"Not that personal. See you round!"
I tighten my grip on the straps of my backpack and jet towards Northern Lights Cafe before she can ask anymore pointed questions.
If there's one thing I'm not down to deal with it's snakes looking to slither their way into the details of me and Alex's story.
I lost one girl 'cause I wasn't careful enough with our secrets. I won't make that mistake again.
(Part Two TO BE RELEASED on JUNE 14th! I co-directed a video shoot this weekend guys so things were a little hectic in terms of updates! WILL BE UPDATED TOMORROW!)