*NOTE: Check out the Audiobook version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen Maglonzo)! Featuring music by Tegan and Sara, Sia, Alex G & Kurt Hugo Schneider, and Max Schneider.
Alex
Here's the thing.
I don't mind medical centers.
And, I don't mind waiting rooms in medical centers.
Heck, I'm not even really bothered by the smell of sterilizer or the dead person perfume they always seem to spray all over these buildings.
But what I do mind, is waiting in places like this with people like Elias.
Because only Elias could 'cause complete and total chaos by simply walking in the front door.
The minute we "arrived", every scrub-wearing woman on the first floor stopped what they were doing just to stare at him. Not only that, but they offered him ice packs for his "injury", tea for his nerves, and a hand massage to take his mind off the pain.
A hand massage? What is this? A spa? And I thought Tanner's fancy schmancy gym was bad.If there's one hobby these girls enjoy more than staring at Elias, it's glaring at me.And honestly, I'm over it.
I'm over the unspoken death threats.
I'm over the fangirling.
And I'm over the gargantuan ego boost he's probably gonna get from it later.
The fact that there was a time when I genuinely thought I could stomach being around Elias and all that comes with it, kind of disgusts me.
But here I am, babysitting his problems and drowning in the King family limelight--again.
I bet you twenty bucks that once he's finished wallowing in pain and self-pity, he'll rub some part of today in my face. Or brag. Or just...generally be obnoxious.
Let's be honest, here.
If Elias was broadcasting his version of what happened this morning to the universe, he'd open his big, fat mouth and tell the world that the main reason why he's getting all this attention is because of his looks. But unlike him, I'm actually going to tell you the truth.
The real reason why half the staff were fawning over him was because he burst into tears when I told him that his accidental injury might have murdered a good portion of his daily sperm count. Fact.
Granted, this is Elias we're talking about, so he probably doesn't know what a sperm count is, but I think me using the words "murder" and "sperm" in the same sentence might have been what set him off.
He's been traumatically silent ever since.
Which wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if it wasn't so--weird.
The thing is, he's never been this quiet for this long.
At least, I think he hasn't. But seeing as we haven't spoken in about a year, I don't know anything about anything when it comes to him anymore.
Except, that he usually likes to talk. A lot.
But instead of whining or complaining the way he always does, he's been lying on the bench with his hands over his eyes for the past twenty-minutes acting like a mute.
It's not that I'm super worried about it or anything, I'm just--
--a little freaked out.
Oh well.
If he never speaks again on account of his balls being fried, maybe I'll have done the world a favor.
Or, maybe there's more to his silence than meets the eye.
Not that it's any of my business, but I guess it's just kinda weird seeing what difference a year can make in a person.
I mean, I'm different too, I guess I just hide it better than he does.
"Mr. King?"
A surprisingly less-than-star struck nurse kneels down in front of Elias, and politely places a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. He unearths his head from his hands and does his best to smile at her, but his expression's so empty she seems more unnerved by it than endeared.
"Yeah?"
"We're ready for you now."
She signals Elias to follow her back towards the examination rooms, but he doesn't move. Instead he frantically shifts his focus over to me, reaches out, and places an unsteady hand on my thigh.
"Can you come with me?"
Sparks scramble across the surface of my skin, but I swallow the feeling before my whole body responds to him in a way I don't want it to.
I remember the me who used to light up whenever me touched me, the person who almost fell in love with those hands and the ways he used to make me feel whole. But now I have walls, traffic lights, and warning signs when it comes to Elias.
Slow down. Proceed with caution. Stop.
"No. I have to go, Elias. I promised Indigo that I'd be back--"
"Please. I don't wanna go in there alone."
No one does. No one wants to go through anything alone. But they do. They suffer in silence while the rest of the world is filled with sound, joy, and color. Some people get stuck in black and white, separated. Isolated. But nobody chooses loneliness. People just choose to leave.
"And I don't wanna to spend my afternoon dragging you in and out of doctors' appointments!"
"Alex, I--"
"I have a life, Elias! There's a whole world out there that's going on without you, and I wanna get back to it, okay? So, just, go by yourself. I said I'd bring you here, and I did. I have to go."
I grab my backpack off the ground, slip into the straps, and bolt to my feet a little too quickly. But the second I stand up, my brain detaches from my body, and leaves me floating through space.
The ceiling blurs into the floor and it takes my knees hitting the ground for me to realize I'm not floating at all--I'm falling. Hard. In front of everyone. In front of him.
Elias's hands are on my shoulders, and he's down on the floor staring at me--eyes wide and uncharacteristically worried.
"Babe, are you okay!?"
I wriggle out of his grip and try to get a handle on myself before the weight of my embarrassment crushes me.
"I'm fine! Just get off me!"
His gaze stays steady on mine, but I can't stand it. I can't stand him. My skin crawls every time he looks at me because his eyes are so different. Because he's so different. His light switch sincerity doesn't make any sense and neither does his concern.
He used to be the boy whose stare was wild and reckless. Careless in all the wrong ways.
And I miss that boy, because that boy could let me go.
But this one doesn't seem to want to.
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to help," he says.
Since when?
"Well, I don't need your help. Thanks. I'm--"
"Is everything alright, young lady?"
The same kind-eyed nurse from earlier appears out of nowhere and starts eyeing me like I'm one of her patients. I scramble off of the floor and away from her as fast as my legs will let me. I don't need this right now.
I need distance.
I need to disappear out the door and put as much space between me and Elias as possible, but she's standing in my way. Blocking all the exits. Looming between me and a door I desperately need to reach.
"I'm totally fine, I'm sorry. I just got a little light headed for a second, but I'm okay."
I straighten up and attempt to walk away from her with the precision of a runway model, but my body tilts to the side like it belongs to a cheap drunk. She places a latex hand on my shoulder and steadies me the way my parents probably did when I was first learning how to walk. #Fail.
"Well, as much as I'd like to take your word for it, I think we should check your blood pressure and make sure you're properly hydrated before you go," she says.
"Honestly, I don't think that's necessary. Really, I'm fine."
"How long are you gonna keep this up?" Elias asks.
His eyes cut across the space between us and straight over to mine.
"Keep what up?"
"The lying.You nearly passed out, Alex. You're not fine, so stop saying that."
You're right. I'm not. I haven't been ever since I met you.
"How is what I choose to say or do right now any of your business, Elias?"
He shuffles out from behind the nurse and positions himself so he's standing directly across from me. His eyes are so intently focused on mine I feel his stare underneath my skin.
"It isn't. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm worried about you."
A year too late.
"Well, don't be. That's Kai's job now."
All the color in his face fades.
"I know, but it didn't used to be."
I open my mouth to argue back like it'll change things, like talking enough will somehow eliminate the truth, but the words die away in my throat. He's right, regardless of whether I want him to be or not.
"Look, Elias, can you just--"
"The doctor will see the both of you now. As long as you don't mind sharing a patient room with Mr. King, ma'am, Dr. Garret would be happy to--"
"Actually, I do. Can't I just wait until he's finished and then see the doctor on my own after?" I ask.
Elias sighs loudly enough for me to hear the annoyance bubbling under his breath.
"You could, but Dr. Garrett is booked until five this afternoon. I may be able to squeeze you in after that if you have time?"
Is she out of her mind? I have class, and then after class I have a date with Kai, and then after my date with Kai, I'll be spending the rest of the evening hyperventilating in my room. So yeah, is definitely out of the question.
"You don't have to do that, ma'am. We'll see Dr. Garrett right now. Where's his office again?" Elias asks.
What does he mean, we?
"Second door on the left."
"Thank you. Let's go, Jersey."
Elias reaches for my hand, swallows it in his, and starts limping down the hallway with me clumsily trailing after him. As soon as the nurse is out of sight, I wrench myself out of his grip, and send my palm sailing towards his face.
A year ago, he would've stopped me.
He would've smirked and wrapped his fingers around a wrist I didn't want anyone to touch just because he could.
But today, he doesn't move.
Today, he lets me hit him.
He lets me hurt him.
He stands there and swallows the sting of three-hundred and sixty five days of anger without saying a word.
His silence swallows me.
Dark red guilt floods my veins, races up the sides of my cheeks, and rips the twisted sense of righteousness right off my face.
I shift my focus to the floor, ashamed of the person I'm becoming.
Disgusted with the person I've become.
Weak, angry, wild.
Shallow, see-through, and stubborn.
All because I can't admit that I'm--
"I'm sorry, Jersey."
Elias tips my head up with careful fingers and inches towards me an unsure step at a time. I will my hands and arms to move, but they don't. Every muscle stops and slows to the point where I feel like my whole body's made of molasses. But Elias is all speed and precision.
Suddenly his hands are inches away from my cheek, his chest inches away from my chest, and his apologetic lips way too close for comfort. He stares down at me, intently, intensely, his eyes straddling the line between danger and regret.
So I break the moment before it consumes us both.
I step away from him--back over a line I can't let myself cross.
Not now.
Not ever again.
This isn't a dance we can do anymore.
It's too familiar.
Too broken.
'Cause I still remember what his goodbyes felt like.
And, I'm not going to stick around for his "I'm sorry's."
"You shouldn't be. If anything, I should apologize to you, Mr. King. Assaulting a member of staff could get me expelled."
Elias's eyes narrow, and he straightens up stiffer than a board.
"Stop that."
"Stop what?"
He leans in close enough to unsettle me.
"Acting like we don't know each other. I know you better than you think I do, Jersey."
You don't know me at all.
"Of course! How could I forget? I guess taking my virginity and leaving me on a beach makes you an expert, doesn't it?"
Elias's Adam's Apple bobs in his throat as he swallows down the kind of guilt I didn't think he was capable of feeling.
"You know, I didn't mean to leave you like that, Jersey. I promise I didn't."
"It doesn't matter what you meant, what you did is what you're stuck with."
His eyes cut away from mine and wander off into the distance for a few seconds, but right when I expect him to keep running, he redirects his gaze back to mine.
And then I see it.
Something darker than despair poisoning the green in his eyes.
But the hurt's different.
Miles away from the Lacey-tinged sadness I saw in him last summer.
These scars are newer. Deeper.
But none of that matters, because the story behind them probably has nothing to do with me.
"Listen, I've spent everyday since that afternoon trying to figure out the right way to apologize to you, Jersey. And even if apologizing's not enough, all I'm asking is for the chance to."
"I don't want your apologies, Elias. And, I don't want your excuses, or your explanations, I just want--"
"Can you at least read the book? I wrote it for you. Everything that's in those pages is for you."
He frantically grabs for his backpack and starts rummaging through stacks of loose papers, and beat up notebooks until he finds what he's looking for.
"Elias, stop."
"Here. This is my copy. It's got a couple notes in the margins, but I want you have it."
He unearths his worse for wear book and extends it towards me, hands shaking. I can barely bring myself to look at the cover much less at him.
"No."
"But, you're in my class, you'll have to read it anyway, so why not just take it now?"
He's still a child. A boy with too many wants, who's hoping for a happy ending he doesn't deserve. And this is why we're different.
Too different to fix things.
Too different to fit back together again.
He just doesn't wanna see it. But everybody has to swallow the ugly truths sometime. His time's just come earlier than he expected it to.
"Alex, please."
"I don't want to, and the second I leave this office, I'm dropping your class. That's a promise, Elias, and unlike you, I'm actually gonna to keep it."
(Next update coming this weekend! What'd you guys think of the audiobook? :) There's more to come!)