*NOTE: Click the Youtube link above to check out the Audiobook version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12Â (Kristen Maglonzo)! Featuring music by Tegan and Sara, The Kooks, and Lit.
Alex
Outgoing call to Dan Perry (mobile) :
DP: Hello?
EK/AS: Um, hi. Is this--
DP: Hold on a second, Elias, you're breaking up. Give me a second, I'll step outside, I wanna hear all about the big move!
Dear Nobody,
This shouldn't even count as a journal entry because a) I'm in the middle of a phone call and b) I don't have any way of writing this down. Basically I'm just talking to you/myself because if I don't talk to somebody right now I may go crazy.
Because this situation is crazy mainly due to the fact that Elias's new girlfriend...kind of sort of
sounds like a man.
And I know that's mean.
And wrong.
And judgmental.
But I'm like two days away from that time of the month, so I kind of have an excuse.
Or maybe I don't.
Anyway, crotchtiness aside, I guess I'm just shocked that Elias decided to go for the dude sounds like a lady-type.
I mean, he used to like my short hair so maybe he's into the tomboy thing.
I don't know.
Different strokes for different folks I guess.
DP: You still there, E?
E? They're at the nickname stage? Well, isn't that nice. I think "asshole" was the closest I ever got to terms of endearment with Elias. Whatever. At least my pet name was more accurate.
DP: Hello? I can try to walk further away from my office if the connection's not going through. I've got thirty minutes to kill before my next patient shows up, so tell me all about UCLA!
She's...
...a doctor? He's dating a freaking doctor? How did the hell that happen? Actually, never mind.
Given the amount of girls who fawn over him in hospital buildings I--
--You know what?
I don't even care how he met her. Because it doesn't matter.
As long as they're happy together. Good for him.
He deserves--
He deserves--
--a happy girlfriend, and a happy marriage, and a big, fat, fan-freaking-tastic, happily ever...
DP: Everything okay? You're not usually this quiet.
Hold the phone.
Moral dilemma, Nobody.
Do I a) reveal my identity to his girlfriend like the crazy homewrecker chicks do on Jerry Springer? Or b) drop my voice a couple octaves and pretend I'm Elias?
DP: Elias?
B.
B it is. Goin' for it.
EK/AS: Yo, yo, I'm here chill out Dannie-Pie.
What....
....am I even?
Dannie-pie? Who says that?
Literally no one. Ever.
That's probably what her grandma calls her.
Crash and burn, Alex.
Crash and burn.
Your cover's blown.
Completely and totally--
DP: Did you just call me what I think you called me?
Uh-oh.
EK/AS: Uh...yeah? But it's whatever. Don't make it a big deal, D-dannie-pie.
DP: It is a big deal! I think the fact that you gave me such an endearing nickname shows how much progress we're making. I know it's not easy for you to let people in, so this is a big step for us!
Us? What are they married?
EK/AS: Fo' sho'. I wouldn't call you names if I didn't, you know, like you, like you.
I sound...like Elias on crack. And not just regular crack, but like messed up "Breaking Bad" crack, and I'm pretty sure Daniella knows it. She knows I'm not him, I feel it. Given the fact that she hasn't responded in the last ten seconds pretty much guarantees that we're dangerously close to the mortifying moment where she calls my bluff and everything--
DP: I appreciate that. Really, I do. Honestly, I don't think enough men bond the way we have over the past year. Just the fact that we can call and write each other like this is such a beautiful, intimate thing, Elias. I'm just so glad you opened up to me this way, especially after everything you went through in your last relationship. I think we found each other at the right time, and it's been incredible watching you come out into the open about everything. I'm proud of you.
Oh.
Dear.
God.
Daniella's a guy.
She's a he.
She's a he.
But if Elias said he was a she, and lied to me, than maybe everything he's been trying to tell me is that he...
...has a boyfriend?
Oh my God.
He.
Has.
A.
Boyfriend.
Maybe that's why he wrote the book.
Letters to Jersey isn't about me and him, it's about him moving on to "Daniella".
That's why he left me.
That's why he never responded to my journals.
He's gay...
He's gay?
How did that even happen?
We slept together.
I mean I've heard stories like this where guys are married and have kids and all of a sudden
realize they're not straight anymore...
...but Elias?
He's girl crazy.
I mean, at least, he used to be.
Wait, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.
Or maybe I'm in denial.
But this conclusion kind of sort of makes sense.
I guess I'll just try repeating it until I believe it.
Elias is gay.
He's...
Wow.
All this time he was hiding the truth, and all I could do was condemn him for forgetting about me.
But if he never liked me, liked me, or women in general than none of that matters.
Or what if he did like women and I was such a crappy girlfriend that he stopped liking girls all together?
How did I do that much damage in three days?
I knew he was bullshitting when he said I was amazing after we...you know...
First timers are generally not amazing at anything.
Like, do you see first time drivers out there winning DMV driver of the year awards?
No.
They get into accidents, Nobody.
Why? Because they don't know what they're doing.
And neither did I.
And now he's gay.
Which is totally fine and all but...now that I know the truth...I kind of feel like a douchebag.
'Cause I acted like a douchebag back when I thought he was a straight, womanizing, bastard who hit and quit me.
Honestly, the things I wished on him after he left last year were awful.
And I'm not talking sending-him-super-mean-ranty-text-messages-awful, I'm talking impromptu-stop-at-a-fake-voodoo-lady's-booth-at-the-county-fair level awful.
Those were dark times, Nobody.
Stop judging.
Anyway, the bottom line is I have to apologize.
Like right now-right now.
Okay.
Here's the game plan, Alex.
Step 1: End this phone call as un-awkwardly as possible.
Step 2: Find Elias.
Step 3: Apologize profusely and mentally prepare myself for what may be the most
intense/awkward discussion of my life.
Ready, okay!
EK/AS: Thanks, Dan-Dannie-Dan-Dan. That's sweet of you.
Sweet of you? Seriously?
DP: You're welcome, but you sound a little off. LA smog messing with your voice? The pollution's terrible down there.
EK/AS: Yeah. I got some kind of virus or something, but I'll get over it, 'cause I'm a man like that. Besides, I got so much going on right now, I can't let a little cold bring me down, you know?
I don't even know where I'm from anymore. Or who I am. Or what I'm saying.
DP: Of course! How's Alex, by the way? Have you seen her yet? Did you get a chance to talk to her about everything?
No Daniel, or Daniella, or whatever your name is. He hasn't. He's been struggling to tell me the biggest secret of his life, and all I did was throw it in his face. But I plan on atoning for my sins before the days out so, don't you worry about little old Elias and me, we're fine and dandy. I mean, we will be as soon as I get the whole confrontation thing over with.
EK/AS: She's cool. Yeah, I saw her, but she's so busy being an awesome student that we haven't had time to like, chill and work stuff out. But I'll talk to her about...us....eventually.
DP: Oh there's no need to do that if you're not ready. We can keep our relationship confidential if you want.
Yep. They're dating. I wonder when Elias knew he was---you know.. Was it before me? Or after me? Maybe all the womanizing and hyper-sexuality was just a cover.
Wow.
The universe finally makes sense.
Weird sense.
But I feel like everything's coming together in a Lifetime movie kind of way.
EK/AS: I'll tell her when the time's right. Anyway, I gotta go. Tanner's called me like five times--
And by Tanner, I mean Indigo but details.
EK/AS: --so I'll talk to you later.
DP: Sounds good. And by the way, if your voice isn't better in a couple days see a doctor, you sound awful.
EK/AS: Will do. I don't know what I'd do without you, Dannie-Pie.
Was that super cheesy?
DP: Somebody's in an affectionate mood today--
Yep. Definitely. #Fail. Mission Abort.
DP: Are you sure you're okay? I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you're not yourself today. You're not having any problems with your medication regimen are you? You promised you'd tell me if things got bad again, Elias.
Medication? Since when does Elias need medication and why? He seemed fine at the start of class.
But then again, most people always try to "seem" better than the really are.
I mean, the whole panic thing he had earlier was kind of scary but everybody hyperventilates every once in a while...
...right? Unless Elias's "once in a while" is his everyday.
That would be awful.
I hope things aren't that awful.
'Cause as much as I dislike him sometimes, I don't want to see him go back to being the broken boy who woke up screaming.
I want him to be okay.
Not perfect.
But closer to being whole than he used to be.
EK/AS: I'm fine. It's not like I'm dying or anything....right?
DP: Of course not. But I have to check, E. You know that. If you have any problems or start feeling anything close to the way did last year, let me know as soon as possible. Okay?
EK/AS: Okay. Later.
DP: Bye.
Call Ended
Dear Nobody,
I used to think Elias and I were impossibly different. Too different and too distant to ever relate to each other again.
And I was wrong.
We've both spent a year in the dark.
Hiding our secrets.
Nursing our wounds with other people's kindness.
But never really escaping the pain.
Until today.
Today we start over.
I start over.
And maybe it's just a feeling, but I've gotta hunch that my new beginning is written somewhere in the opening pages of his book.
Text Message to Indigo-Rose :
AS: Sorry I missed your calls. Will be at Covel in twenty-minutes. I've gotta grab something for class.
IR: No problem. Just meet me outside of the dining hall when you're done. I'll be meditating in the bushes.
AS: Kk. Btw, can I ask you a weird question?
IR: There are no weird questions, Alex. Weirdness is a social construct preventing us from freeing our true selves. So be free. Ask away.
AS: Do you believe in destiny?
IR: Of course.
AS: Do you think a person could like, find the thing that totally reveals their destiny or some major life-changing truth in a student bookstore?
IR: Totally.
AS: Okay. Just checking. I'll see you in a few. My destiny's waiting on a bookshelf.
(Thanks for reading guys! Hope you enjoyed the chapter and the audiobook! I'm a little over halfway done with the next update, but am not totally finished yet, but I will do my best to aim for updating on Saturday!)