*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by (Kristen) featuring music by Switchfoot, Andrew Belle, Ok Go, and All The Luck In The World.
Alex
"Yes. But I--"
"Elias King, the asshole from last year, is at UCLA?"
Kai grips onto my shoulders to the point where I feel the desperation spilling through his fingertips.
"Yeah..."
"Does he know you're here?"
All the beautiful color in Kai's cheeks turns gray before I even have the chance to answer.
I swallow the rising lump in my throat despite the fact that I barely have any spit left in my mouth.
"He's--kind of co-teaching my class."
Kai sucks in a sharp breath and recoils from me so fast the sting of his distance ripples across my skin.
"Seriously? Why didn't you tell me?" He asks.
My mind races through a series of excuses, a flood of stupid reasons like not having enough time, or being so busy with classes I forgot to text him about it.
But I could've. I should've.
A better girlfriend would've said something at dinner last night. But I didn't. I don't even know why I didn't. But it doesn't matter now. 'Cause Elias isn't the same Elias anymore.
"I was going to, I just--wanted to wait until we had time to sit down and talk."
"So let's talk. Come with me."
Kai steps out of line and away from the mob of all too curious on-lookers eavesdropping on our problems.
I follow him, desperate to explain my way out of a situation that's borderline inexplicable. He waves me over to a collection of empty chairs in front of an almost deserted sushi restaurant. I sit down across from him, ready to do or say anything to keep things from falling apart.
"How long have you known he was here?" He asks.
Since last night.
"Since class. Honestly, Kai, I walked in thinking we'd be studying J.D. Salinger and then my professor made this huge surprise announcement and Elias walked in and I just...panicked."
Kai massages the tension out of his forehead then looks up at me with something darker than disappointment written across his face.
"Did he try to talk to you?"
"He did, but it totally doesn't even matter because--"
"Do you hear yourself right now, Alex? The guy abandons you for over a year and then randomly shows up in your freshman seminar with a book with your name printed on the front and you think that doesn't matter?"
Kai never yells. The closest I've ever heard him get to raising his voice was when we watched British soccer games on TV together during Christmas. But today, he's doing everything he can not to shout at me the way I know he wants to.
"Babe, I promise it's not what you think. The whole book's about--"
"A series of unsent love letters written by debut bestselling author Elias King to a mysterious girl named "Jersey". A heart-wrenching story of unresolved young love and the harrowing year of separation that followed the couple's first meeting. "Letters to Jersey" has captured the the hearts of millions of readers across the globe, snagging the top spot in book sales lists in over fourteen countries. Buy with 1-click on Kindle for 8.99."
Okay, so the blurb's a little weird, but I'm sure that once I read the actual book that Elias's secret love affair with Dan and his entire transition from liking girls to liking guys will be 100% obvious. Or maybe it's one of those coded books where the author uses a girl's name to keep the real name of his male lover a secret. Heck, if Shakespeare can do it, so can Elias King...just a lot less eloquently.
"That's what the publisher wants you think, but the whole concept behind 'Letters to Jersey' is just a front. You don't understand."
"What don't I understand, Alex? Did he or didn't he used to call you 'Jersey'?"
I nod and Kai's face falls about a thousand feet from his head and crashes onto the floor.
"Is there another girl he knows called 'Jersey'?" He asks.
"No, but--"
"Then this whole thing is basically one big public love letter written to--"
"He's gay, Kai! Elias is gay, he just hasn't told anyone yet! The book isn't about him and me, it's about him moving on to another guy."
Kai's eyebrows soar up the short stretch of his forehead and crash straight into his hairline. His mouth pops open and hangs slack in the air for a good couple seconds before he snaps out of his silence and stumbles over a response.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"He's gay, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows."
"Are you being serious right now, Alex?"
One hundred percent. Ok, well, maybe 99.9% 'cause I still have to confirm with Elias but it's only a matter of time and conversation before he admits the truth.
"Yes," I say with the confidence of a champion. But Kai pokes a million holes in me with his skeptical sideways stare.
"And how--did you come to that conclusion exactly?"
"Well, it's kinda complicated, but long story short, Elias was following me around after class earlier, and I thought it was kind of weird until he mentioned having a girlfriend--"
"So, he has a girlfriend?"
I wave my hands back and forth like a maniac hoping to convince Kai of a story that sounds like it was made up by a drug addict, but nothing's working. Kai's expression stays stoney and his doubts seem to double the more I try to explain things. But I need him to believe me, 'cause the longer he stares at me like I'm crazy, the more I start to feel like I really am.
"No. Well, he said he did, but his girlfriend's really a boyfriend," I say.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! I even talked to the guy! His name's Dan, but Elias said his name was Daniella to keep their relationship under wraps-- but I'll get to that in a minute. You have to know how I ended up on the phone with Elias's boyfriend in the first place or this part of the story won't make sense."
"Honestly, none of this is making sense, but I trust you, so go on."
You know those moments where your boyfriend mildly pisses you off but you don't wanna fight so you let it slide? Yeah. This is one of those, but whatever. I know what I heard, and Elias is gay whether Kai chooses to believe it or not.
"Okay, so back when I thought Elias was straight and just following me around to get my attention again, I got upset with him because of the way he was acting around me. He was being kind of flirty which is totally not cool because a) he knows I'm in a relationship and b) he's in a long distance relationship. So when he wasn't...conscious--I mean, paying attention I kind of sort of stole his phone so I could call his girlfriend and tell her Elias was being shady. But when I called 'her', a guy picked up, and he basically admitted that him and Elias were 'intimate'. Crazy, right?"
I stare across the table at Kai and wait for the moment when all the little pieces of my story click into place and his usual sticky sweet smile spreads across his lips. But his mouth hardens into a flat line and his eyes search mine like he's looking for lies where there are none.
I swallow the impulse to ask him why he doesn't believe me, why he says he trusts me and then stops the second Elias's name pops into the conversation, but I don't wanna fight about this. Or anything.
I need him more than he understands. I need him to have more faith in me than he does, and I need him to let me deal with this situation surrounding Elias so I can focus on us.
But the only thing between the two of us now is distance, tension, and resistance. All because of a boy who shouldn't be an issue in our relationship anymore, but somehow manages to continue to be.
"The thing is, Alex, while you may be right about Elias, you've also got to consider the possibility that you could be wrong. Did the guy you talked to on the phone explicitly say that him and Elias were together?"
He implied it. Secrets are all about implication, not direct admission. Hello.
"Well, no, but--"
"Then you don't know for sure."
"I mean, I get that, but that's why I have to talk to him about it, Kai. If he is gay, that explains so much about everything that happened between us last year."
Kai reaches for my hand across the table and traces his thumb across the space between my knuckles.
"But what happens if he isn't? What happens if you read that book and isn't about a boy, but it's about you?"
It's not about me.
"Then, I'll tell him how I feel about him."
"Which is?"
Complicated. Awful. Confused. Conflicted.
"I-I don't feel anything anymore, obviously. But if he thinks there's a chance that I do, I'll just tell him I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, okay? It's you and me, Kai. I don't need or want anything else outside of us."
Kai tightens his grip around my fingers like he's trying to hold on to my words, but the shadows crawling across his face give his insecurities away. It's weird. Seeing a boy so much older, so much more stable, suddenly shaken by a ghost.
I remember the feeling. I remember how anytime Elias used to mention Lacey I'd feel infinitely small, and terribly inadequate. And I remember swearing to myself that I'd never make anyone else feel that way if I could help it. But here I am, straddling the line between being a hypocrite and a liar, without a solution to a situation I started.
"I know, it's not you I'm worried about, Alex. It's him. I don't like that he's showed up out of nowhere and just so happens to be in your class. Are you sure he hasn't been--keeping tabs on you or anything?"
What is this? A spy movie?
If Elias could barely manage to keep track of my phone number and address how the hell would he know where I got into school? Besides, even if he did weirdly figure that out, it's not like UCLA publishes class registration information out in the open. He'd have to have mad connections, be a complete stalker, and not in a relationship with another guy to even think of doing something like that.
Consensus: Kai's paranoid.
"Of course not! Babe, he wouldn't do something like that, and even in the extreme off chance that he did, it doesn't matter because I'm with you. Case closed. Can we drop this now?"
I extend my pinky in Kai's direction hoping it'll take the edge off of the tension building between us. He wraps his fingers around mine and leads me around the tiny metal table and pulls me into his arms.
I tumble into his lap, and he holds me there without saying anything for what feels like forever. But before I can question the quiet, he lifts his lips to my neck and whispers against my skin.
"Case closed. I'm sorry if I'm--"
"Being a good boyfriend?"
He smiles and I feel every second of it.
"--being extreme. I just--don't want him to hurt you again. I don't want anyone to hurt you again."
"I know."
This.
This is why I fell for Kai. Because he says things like this and means every word. Because he isn't a series of contradictions. He's all truth and integrity, honesty, and transparency. I just wish I could be that see-through. But I still have secrets even he doesn't know about. Some things are better left hidden. Even from the people you're supposed to share everything with. Even from the people you're supposed to love.
"Can you promise me something, Alex?"
"Sure. Anything."
"If Elias does anything or tries anything with you, promise you'll tell me, okay?"
"Kai, he's not going to--"
"Promise me?"
And just like that desperation sparks to life in his eyes again, and I don't know how make to it disappear.
"Babe, I--"
A phone call cuts straight through the heart of our conversation and I find myself scrambling to see who's calling instead of focusing on the promises I should be making.
There's no point in it anyway.
Nobody can promise anyone anything .
Incoming Call from Indigo Rose (mobile):
AS: What's up, Indigo?
IR: Um...you know that weird guy who lives across the hall? Elias or whatever his name is?
AS: Yeah, why?
IR: He's singing songs half-naked in the middle of Covel Commons right now.
AS: Wait, what?!
IR: Yeah, there's like a trillion girls watching and filming him and stuff, but that's not even the weirdest part.
AS: What do you mean?
IR: Well, he has 'I heart Jersey' written across his chest in sharpie and keeps saying he's singing these songs for her, but I don't even know who that is so whatever.
AS: Indigo, you need to stop him. Like, right now.
IR: Already tried. I went over when he first started singing and asked him to come down before he embarrassed himself, but he said wasn't gonna stop until you showed up and made him. I don't know, he's weird. But I'm pretty sure he's on something right now, so yeah...you should probably get here.
AS: Okay. Um. I'll be there as soon as I can. Just don't go anywhere, okay? I'll call you when I get there.
IR: Sure. Later.
AS: Bye.
Call Ended
"Kai, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. It's kind of an emergency. But we'll talk later okay?"
"Sure, is everything alright?"
Nope. Not at all.
"Kind of. I'll explain later."
I shoot up out of Kai's arms, grab my backpack like a maniac, and start heading for the door. He follows me step for step and turns me around before my hand reaches the handles.
"Can you still make it to dinner later?" He asks.
Crap.
"Of course. I wouldn't miss it for anything."
He tugs me into a parting kiss but my attention's already halfway across campus.
"Good. I'll be in the photo lab until seven. Just shoot me a text around then and I'll come pick you up, okay?"
"Okay. Seven it is."
Kai snakes his pinky finger around mine and shoots me the kind of smile that unsettles me more than it should.
"Promise?" He asks.
"Promise."
But that's the thing about promises. No matter how good your intentions are when you make them, they almost always end up being broken.
Especially when you make them with broken people.
But I'm gonna be better than that.
Fingers crossed.
(Thank you for reading guys! Next update will be next Saturday-ish I hope because I'll be traveling for the next two weeks! How'd ya'll like the audiobook this chapter?)