*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by (Kristen Maglonzo) featuring music by The All American Rejects, Something Corporate, and Rooney.
Elias
Wait.
Maybe I heard her wrong.
But I'm pretty sure Jersey thinks I'm gay.
Like straight up dating my therapist kinda gay.
And I'm not too sure how the hell that happened, but I'm thinking 'bout rolling with it for a little while longer 'cause the look on her face right now is priceless.
God, I wish I had a camera.
Jersey's practically got sparkles coming out of her eyes and her bottom lip's tucked between her teeth like she's hoping I'll tell her she's right about the whole gay thing.
I mean, I don't know why she wants to be right about something like that, but I'm not gonna burst her bubble just yet.
'Cause let's be honest, she's fucking adorable when she's wrong.
"Jersey, you don't seriously think I'm like with Dan, with Dan, right?" I ask.
She sits up and runs her hand through her bangs. I tried doing that earlier, but I'm pretty sure it freaked her out. Point taken.
"Yeah! I mean, he didn't say it outright or anything because I'm sure you both wanna take your time telling people, but either way, I'm really happy for you guys."
Something about the way she's talking bothers me. Maybe it's 'cause she's clearly bullshitting about being happy or maybe it's the fact that she's running with a lie I'm not too sure she believes.
Whatever it is, she's off.
Or maybe that's just me.
God knows, I haven't been this high in a long time so maybe me and Jersey aren't even having this conversation.
Shit. Are we having this conversation?
I hope so.
I like talking to her.
Watching her mouth move is better than prime time television.
"Are you for real,right now?" I ask.
"Yes."
"No, I mean like actually real?"
I reach out and stroke her hand which definitely was supposed to be a poke but whatever.
Jersey's eyebrows do that weird thing where they bunch together like little caterpillars whenever I say or do something stupid. But I'm not being stupid. At least, I think I'm not.It's not my fault Vicodin makes you feel like you're in The Matrix.
I'm just trying to figure out what's real and what's not, cause nothing really makes sense right now.
Like, I played a fucking concert, almost made out with the girl of my dreams, and now she thinks I'm gay.
If that situation's not question-worthy I don't know what is.
Woah.
I used a big word.
"Worthy."
Holy shit I'm a genius.
Vicodin makes people smart.
Even people like me!
Nice.
They should put that in the nitro-glycerin facts on the bottle. People should know about that kinda thing. Real talk.
"Of course I'm real, Elias. How many pills did you take again?"
"Uh...three?"
Jersey gasps and throws her hand over her mouth like she's in some kind of soap opera. Three pills isn't a big deal. Trust me. I've had way more than that and I lived, so I'm pretty sure I'll be fine. But hey, at least she still worries about me.
"Where's the bottle?" She asks.
I point in the general direction of my desk and she jumps outta bed and guns for my CVS goodie bag. Oh well. There's nothing on that bottle that I don't already know.
"Elias, it says you're not supposed to take more than three a day not three an hour! What are you doing? Trying to kill yourself?"
I wish she wouldn't say things like that. Just open her mouth and talk like the idea of somebody
killing themselves is okay to bring up in casual conversation.
I mean I get it, people joke around about things they don't understand all the time. But it doesn't take away the sting or the memories from the people who do. From the people who've been through shit.
Jersey's lucky she doesn't know half the things about pills that I do. It's not like she was there. It's not like she knows anything about anything. But that's my fault. My mistake. One of many.
"I'll be fine, Jersey. Three pills never killed anybody. I actually feel pretty good right now, so don't worry about it, okay?"
Too late. She's back on the bed with her hand planted across my forehead and her big worried eyes trained on mine.
"Are you sure? We can go back to the medical center if you want."
I brush her hand away which is the damn near hardest thing I've had to do this afternoon.
"Nah, I'm cool. It'll wear off in a couple hours. Seriously, I'm good."
Scratch that, I'm more than good. I'm walking on fucking sunshine because she's here, and she's kinda worried about me, and it sorta feels like last summer right now.
But I'll be damned before I say that out loud.
Play it cool, Elias.
Play it cool.
"Are you sure I shouldn't call Dan just incase? I'm pretty sure he knows how to take care of you."
And...moment ruined.
"Jersey, Dan's my therapist."
"Oh, so that's what kind of doctor he is. How'd you guys meet?"
We didn't.
"What are you talking about?" I ask.
"You know, how did you find each other?"
"We didn't, Jersey. It's not like that."
I don't know if it's the drugs or if Jersey's legit lost it, but she's acting 100% convinced that I'm gay when she knows I'm not.
Obviously.
Happy? Yes.
High? Definitely.
But gay? No way.
Not that there's anything wrong with liking dudes or whatever, but I've only got one person on my mind right now and it sure as hell isn't Dan.
"E-Elias, it's okay if you don't wanna talk about him right now. I just want you to know that I support you no matter what."
Before I get the chance to set the record straight, Jersey throws her arms around me and pulls me into the kind of hug that leaves next to nothing to the imagination. Her little neon tank top's like super thin--as in, somebody forgot to wear a bra today thin.
Or maybe this is on purpose. Holy shit where'd she pick up that habit? I disappear for a year, and she goes all Eurotrip on me?
A+, Jersey. A+.
"Yeah, sure. But I'm not--"
"Shh. You don't have to open up about everything all at once."
Jersey squeezes me so hard even the Vicodin can't keep the Little King from responding to her, but I inch away from her before he has the chance to get too excited about things. He's an injured man and I'm a changed man, so I'm not gonna let the moment get the best of me.
Ah, fuck it.
Who am I kidding?
If she keeps teddy bear hugging me I'm gonna pop one of the worst boners of my life, shred my nuts, and she's gonna know this whole gay situation is bullshit.
Maybe Stacey was on to something about that whole yoga thing. I gotta get it together.
"The thing is, there's nothing to open up about, 'cause I'm not gay."
"Denial is a part of the process, Elias. But I get it. I know how hard this must be for you."
The hell she does.
"Yeah, it's super hard--"
Jersey drops her hand to my thigh and gives it a quick squeeze like I'm her new favorite stuffed animal. Not good.
"--mainly 'cause I'm just kinda confused about this whole situation."
She pulls away from me and places her hands on my shoulders.
"That's totally normal! Coming out can be a very confusing thing. I read about it for a research project I did for Social Studies in 11th grade."
Coming out?
What the hell did Dan say to her?
Shit, wait. What if he thinks I'm gay too?
Is this some kind of conspirity?
He should know better than anybody that I'm a straight as they come.
And Jersey...
...she should definitely know that I'm into girls.
Literally.
How does picking her up, pinning her to a bed, and almost making out with her come off as gay?
Was I off or something?
I mean I know it's been a while, but maybe I don't turn her on anymore.
Or maybe I handled her the wrong way.
Was the whole carrying her into my room over the top?
Or was it the singing?
Fuck, I gotta fix this.
"This is a joke, right?"
She stares down at her hands and wrings them together like she's even more uncomfortable with this conversation than I am.
Shit, she isn't kidding.
What the hell?
Did I not do it for her last summer or something?
Nah. That's definitely not possible. I'm pretty sure I rocked her world in the bedroom department.
Maybe she told that douchebag Kai about me being at UCLA and now he's going around starting rumors that I'm gay.
Dick.
He's just scared Jersey will come running back to me now that I'm back in the game--which is a totally legit fear by the way. I'm way better looking. Plus, me and Jersey have history. He's the rebound. Quote me.
Whatever the reason is, I gotta clear the air before things get more screwed up than they already are.
"What do you mean?" She asks, eyes bigger than marbles.
"The whole gay thing, why would you think that when you know I'm--"
"Well, what else would you be? I called your boyfriend Elias. And I know I shouldn't have stolen your phone earlier, but I was worried. You were just acting so weird around me that I thought Daniella deserved to know about it so--"
"You what?"
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? You were just being kind of flirty, so I called him thinking he was Daniella because I thought she deserved to know what you were doing--"
"I wasn't doing anything wrong, Jersey!"
I was.
"Whatever! It doesn't matter now because Dan told me everything. Finding out you had a long distance boyfriend kind of set the whole sexuality thing in stone."
Long distance boyfriend?
What is this girl on?
I'm legit rolling right now and even I think she sounds crazy.
What happened to you, babe?
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure we were a thing last summer. How does that turn into all this?" I ask.
There it is again. That sadness she keeps hiding. I just hope to God it isn't all because of me.
"T-that? That was like a year ago and none of that matters anymore because I was just the girl you got with before you discovered you were gay. It makes sense, Elias. Why else would you disappear like that? Why else wouldn't you talk to me?"
Because I couldn't. I still can't.
Just go with the lie, Elias.
It's easier for her to handle than the truth.
(Thanks so much for reading guys! Part 2 coming later this week! Hope you all enjoyed the audiobook!)