*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen M.) featuring music by OK Go, Saint Raymond, Chicago, Kygo (Ft. Kodaline), Andrew Belle, and American Hi-Fi.
Elias
Jersey rips her phone outta my fingers and swats at my head with her free hand. She misses by a mile, but I still feel the heat coming off her intentions. No doubt, that slap was a hundred and fifty percent meant for me, but the anger behind it doesn't make sense.
Not for a girl who's boyfriend supposedly knows I'm gay.
And not for a girl who supposedly thinks I'm gay.
But then again, I didn't start this lie. She did. Problem is, now all three of us have to live with the consequences.
"Relax, Jersey!"
She struggles to steady herself on her heels for a couple seconds, but once she's fully upright, she stomps over to me again.
"Relax!? You stole my phone!"
She points her finger right at my face, and I cup my hands around it to try to calm her down.
"Look, I'm sorry okay? I thought Roxy was stressing you out again."
"No! It was Kai! I was supposed to meet him for dinner earlier, and I forgot because of Social Night, and now he's gonna be mad at me! Especially if he thinks I'm with you!"
Oh. Shit. Okay yeah, my bad. She didn't have to try to hit me though. Geeze.
"What's wrong with me hanging out with you? Doesn't he think I'm--didn't you tell him I was--"
I trail off. No matter how badly she needs this lie, I'm not gonna own it like it's true.
"Well, yeah. But he's superstitious remember?" She says.
Holy shit. Did she just get a word wrong? She totally did. I should film this or something, 'cause me being right for once is kinda history channel worthy.
"You mean suspicious, right?"
Jersey's eyes nearly pop outta her face.
"Did you just correct me?!" She asks.
Uh-oh.
"Um, yes?"
She cocks her hand back, and I brace myself for the damage. Her palm collides with mine and she winks at me instead.
"High five! Nice job, Elias! School's barely started, and you're already getting better at English!"
She almost smiles, and I almost kiss her, but her phone buzzes and steals the slap-happy grins right off our faces.
"Oh crap! It's him again. What do I do?" Jersey asks.
"Just talk to him. I'm sure he'll understand. Just say that Social Night came up last minute and Roxy forced you to go."
She stares down at her screen and then back up at me, eyes wide and worried.
"Yeah, but he's gonna wanna know why you're here."
"We live across the hall from each other, Jersey. Social Night's a dorm event, he can't get mad at you for that. He knows we both live in the same quad, right?"
She shakes her head, and my stomach drops. It'd be one thing if he already knew, but the fact that she's hiding it is gonna screw us both over. Especially her. Not that I give a shit about Kai, but if my girlfriend was pulling what she's pulling, I'd be suspicious too.
I wanna help her but don't even know where to start. Kai's not an idiot, and I'm a shitty liar, so sooner or later, she's gonna get caught.
I just hope to God she figures out what she wants and who she wants before that happens.
"Don't tell him, okay? I'll tell him when the time comes or whatever."
What are you doing, babe?
"Okay, but you should probably do it soon. As in, now. Otherwise he's gonna ask questions, and I don't want him on my ass about . I have enough problems I have to deal with."
Like trying to keep my shit together around you.
"Okay, fine. I'll call him back, but let's get a cab down to the club first. We can't stick around the dorm like this or else he might see us!"
Before I can point out everything wrong with what she just said, Jersey grabs me by the hand and bolts towards the cab line in front of Sproul Hall.
I follow her one foot after the other, running head first into the kind of trouble neither of us can afford to get into.
But fuck it.
We're living.
Even if it's just for the moment, this moment's all we need.
Adrenaline's rushing through my veins so fast my whole body's buzzing.
Or maybe I'm buzzing because of her.
Jersey's hand's so small I can barely see it inside of mine, but I feel her there.
The warmth of her fingers wrapped around my palm.
She pulls me after her, I follow her stride, and watch the wind dance through the waves of her hair.
I don't what we're doing.
I don't know where this is going.
But right now, I don't fucking care.
I'm taking the night as comes, and I'm taking her in. Even if I'm not supposed to be. I can't help it.
My eyes follow Jersey as she directs us towards a cab up ahead. She turns around shouts at me to speed up, so I do. I push my whole body forward. Closer to her. Closer to everything I've been missing.
But I've gotta keep it together.
'Cause if I don't--
--I'll lose her as soon the sun comes up.
***
Jersey spends most of the taxi ride in total silence. Aside from the couple times Kai actually lets her speak, she just sits and listens to him talk at her through the other end of her phone.
Something's off about the conversation.
Something's off about her.
The Jersey I knew last summer wouldn't take any bullshit from anybody. She'd put a guy in his place as soon as he crossed the line. But Kai's got her quiet.
I shouldn't be eavesdropping. I should be screwing around on my phone or surfing Snapchat like I I don't give a shit about what's going on.
But I do.
Jersey's got her knees tucked up into her chest and her eyes trained on the world outside the backseat window. She looks like a little girl. Like somebody half her age with half her confidence.
She never acted like this around me.
So why the hell is she like this around him?
I open my mouth to say something to her, but the sudden jerk of the cab driver slamming on the breaks steals my attention.
"We're here. Twenty bucks even," he says.
"Thanks, man. Let's go, J--"
She's gone. Seat empty. Door open. Gone.
I didn't even hear her leave.
I step out of the cab and into a crowd of at least a hundred people standing outside whatever the hell this club is, acting like they're famous for invisible cameras.
If any of these wannabes actually knew what it was like, they'd be doing everything not to be seen instead of trying to get noticed.
I don't want anyone seeing me at all, but I'm not exactly blending in.
Everybody outside is dressed to the nines which sucks 'cause I spent a grand total of ten minutes on this outfit.
White-T. Grey Hoodie. Dark jeans.
Basically, I look like shit, and everybody else doesn't, which isn't doing me any favors in the staying off the radar department.
Fuck it, I'll just hide my face.
I pull my hood on and drop my head so I can dodge the waves of judgey stares I already feel coming off the crowd. Screw these people. Screw this club. Screw everything. I just wanna find Jersey before she disappears into the mob completely.
I push through a group of girls who smell like they've bathed in fifteen different types of perfume, and my head starts spinning. I try to keep my eyes trained on Jersey carving through the crowd up ahead, but I'm losing her.
A guy about as ripped as Vin Diesel slams into me, shoulder first and then keeps walking. I turn around to say something to him, but super glue my mouth shut when I catch sight of the most likely gang tattoos printed on the back of his neck. I shake off the pain and keep weaving my way through people until I see Jersey turn the corner up ahead.
I break into a sprint to follow her, only to end up with somebody's hand planted in the center of my chest.
"Woah there, cowboy. There's speed limits in these parts."
I glance down to see Indigo staring at up at me with her thumb and pointer aimed straight at my face.
"Hey, can we talk later? I'm busy."
She stares at me long and hard like she's scanning my soul, and then finds it in herself to answer.
"Chasing after your dream girl?"
"What? No. I told you it's not like that, I just wanna see if she's okay."
Indigo's lips perk up into a mildly annoying smile which I wish didn't bother me as it does.
"She'll be fine. Just give her space, Elias. A plant won't grow if you drown it."
"Look, I know you're trying to be a good roommate or whatever, but getting in the way of what's going on with me and her is--"
"What is going on with you two?"
Good question. Really good question. Too bad I don't have an answer. Not one I wanna talk about with her anyway.
"Nothing."
"So...you told her you were gay for nothing?"
My face heats up to the point where people three streets down could probably see it. I shush Indigo before she makes things worse.
"Keep it down, chica! The only reason I told her I was, you know, was 'cause she wouldn't talk to me when she thought I was straight."
I peer over Indigo's head to try and spot Jersey so I can get out of this conversation, but aside from a couple of drunk girls stumbling around, the street behind us is quiet.
"And why's that?"
Indigo sticks a finger into her mouth and pulls out a string of lime green gum to play with. My mom would've slapped me for doing shit like that in front of her. She always thought gum made people look less classy, and after watching Indigo play bungee with her Bubble Yum, I'm starting to see her point.
"Why are we even talking about this? I thought you said you didn't do the whole friendship thing. Sorry, but I gotta go," I say.
Indigo raises her free hand to stop me again.
"She asked me to stall you. Something about her needing to talk to Kai and not wanting you to eavesdrop."
Wait. She knew I was eavesdropping in the cab? I'm pretty sure I did a boss job of hiding it. I gotta work on my tactics.
"Okay. First off, I wasn't eavesdropping. We took the same cab together, and she was the one caught up in a super loud phone call. And second, did she happen to mention when she was coming back?"
Indigo shakes her head and her sea shell earrings keep swinging long after she stops.
"No. So we might as well hash out the dirty deets of your flirtationship with her before shit hits the proverbial fan."
Indigo crosses her arms over her chest, pops her hip out, and cracks her neck which disturbs me beyond reason. From of the looks of it, she'll beat or stare the truth outta me no matter what I do, so I figure telling her a little bit will hurt a lot less than trying to hide it.
"Fine, but you can't go around telling people this, aight? Seriously. I gotta know I can trust you," I say.
I pull her out of line and over to the more secluded area towards the end of the entrance line. She slips out of my grip and looks up at me with those full moon eyes again.
"What you need, Book Boy? A spit swear? A blood bond?"
She pulls a safety pin out of her hair and unclips it so the sharp end's exposed. I reach out and stop her before she does anything nuts.
"No. Nothing like that, I just need your word. If you rat me out to Jersey or anyone else, I'll know it was you. This conversation stays between me and you. Cool?"
I extend a hand and she takes it.
"Cool. So, how'd you end up in a love triangle?"
I drop my head back and sigh up towards the Westwood sky. My throat tightens up, but I swallow the urge to back out of telling the truth.
Situations like these make me realize how much I hate talking. How much I hate words, explanations, and having to tell and retell the story of my mistakes.
Dan used to force me to talk like this all the time back in San Francisco. He spent months picking away at my issues and digging down to the heart of everything that was wrong with me. It was draining then, and it's gonna be draining now, but here I am spilling my soul to another stranger. I just hope she'll be good about actually keeping my secrets.
"Long story short, I fucked up. Big time."
It takes about seven and a half minutes for me to get through the basic details of how I ruined everything with Jersey. I leave out the worst parts. Like Mindy, the nightmare in the maternity ward, and my family falling apart. But I'm pretty sure Indigo's getting the gist of what a douchebag I am.
I tell her about the bet, and how that bet ended in Jersey being stranded on a beach less than a day after we got together. By the time I stop talking, Indigo's staring at me like I'm some kinda virginity stealing asshole, which I am, but she hasn't stormed off or slapped me yet so that's a start.
"Wow. If I were her, I wouldn't wanna be anywhere near you either."
"Sweet. Thanks, Indigo, that's really nice."
She rolls her eyes at me and smacks her gum way too loudly.
"I'm not trying to be nice. I'm being honest. A girl's first time is a big deal, Elias. Both spiritually and physically. It's like our inner planetary alignment is shifted, and we're totally different cosmic beings after it happens, you know?"
"What?"
"Basically, it's major, and we definitely don't forget it, especially if the guy bails."
I'm not sure if she's trying to make everything I did sound worse by being this blunt, but her comment hits me like a sucker punch.
"I didn't bail, Indigo. I had to leave. There's a difference," I say.
She shakes her head like she's heard this a thousand other times from a thousand other guys, but I shake off her gesture like it doesn't bother me. I harden my face until I look like I don't care.
Bury it, Eli.
Bury everything till you don't feel anything anymore.
"Everybody says that, Elias. Especially guys who get around. Excuses are an integral part of the playboy's manifesto."
"I'm not a playboy--"
If I was I wouldn't be working this hard to get my girl back.
"--at least, I'm not anymore."
She rolls her eyes, blows her gum into a bubble, and then pops it inches away from my face.
"Yeah, but you used to be, and that's why she doesn't trust you. Think about it, Elias, if a girl played you like that would you go running into her arms the second she popped back into your life again?"
My mouth drops open a little too obviously, and Indigo smiles a satisfied smile. I try not to get irritated about it but eh--I'm irritated.
Okay, so what?
Maybe she has point. I wouldn't want to date the girl version of me either.
But people can change. And I have. At least, I hope I have.
"Well, no. But I'm different now. She just has to give me the chance to explain things."
Indigo folds her arms across her chest and shoots me another one of her soul-reading stares.
"I totally get that, but if she's like most girls, explaining things might not change how she feels about what you did."
"She's not like most girls, Indigo. She'll understand. I didn't leave because I wanted to, I left because by parents forced me to go to rehab when all I wanted to do was stay with her!"
"Does Alex know that?"
My whole face goes hot, and I stare at my shoes just to keep Indigo from pointing out the obvious.
"No."
"Too scared to tell her?" She asks.
I nod, even though being a chicken shit is the last thing I wanna own up to. Besides, even if I tried to hide the truth, Little Miss Karma here would use her powers to drag it outta me.
"Yeah. But it's whatever. I'll figure out a way to talk to her when the time's right," I say.
"So, why not start right now?"
Indigo points over my shoulder to a noticeably wobbly Jersey clomping towards the two of us in her heels.
She slides her phone back into her purse, wipes her hands under her eyes, and then slaps on another paper mâché smile. Makes me wonder what that asshole said to her.
"Right now, right now? I can't do that. She's gonna be over here in like thirty seconds, and even if she wasn't, I wouldn't even know what to say."
Indigo reaches into her bag, pulls out her mason jar filed with napalm, and hands it to me.
"Don't worry about the words, Elias. You'd be surprised where people find inspiration."
Okay, so I might not be the sharpest knife in the toolbox, but I'm pretty sure Vicodin + Alcohol is a no-no. Then again, I definitely have mixed all kinds of pills with alcohol before, and I didn't die.
Not that I want this time to be that time or whatever, but what I'm saying is, there's definitely a chance I could kill myself.
Shit. If I die, my mom's gonna kill me.
She'd be so mad she'd probably pray me back from the grave just to scream at me for being this stupid.
But then again, potentially poisoning myself for the sake of my ex-girlfriend, sounds pretty awesome.
Kinda like that Romero dude and his chick Julia or whatever.
I'm not sure how that story ended, 'cause I basically slept through that entire semester of English class, but I'm sure things worked out.
"How much of this acid do I have to swallow for a happy buzz? I'm supposed to be rehabilitated so getting wasted is a no go," I say.
Indigo lifts her fingers up to the glass and measures out what looks like a half a shot of moonshine. Seriously?
"Well, I can't guarantee results, but this much should get you to where you wanna be."
"That's a baby dose, Indigo. I gotta be able to handle this situation like a man, and a sip isn't gonna do me any favors."
She screws off the top measures out next to no moonshine and hands it to me anyway.
"Sorry. Last time I let you taste it, you wasted it. This is all you get. Trust me. It'll work. The placebo effect always does."
"Fine. Thanks, amiga. I owe you one."
I pour her poison into my mouth and swallow the burn. This shit's gross, I'm glad she suggested the baby shot.
"Thank me later. You've got to actually talk to her first."
"Okay. What do I say? She's coming."
Indigo glances over at Jersey and throws a little wave in her direction.
"Just tell her the truth in cosmically sound pieces. Rome wasn't built in a day, you know?"
"What does Rome have to do with anything?" I ask.
She rolls her eyes at me, and I roll mine right back. She's the one being confusing. Not me.
"Wow. Never mind. Start with clearing the air about the whole gay thing, then tell her about rehab, and then get into the details of how you..."
I should be listening. I should be writing down every smart thing she's saying, but my body's starting to feel like a sauna the closer Jersey gets. I try blinking the heat outta my eyes, but the second I do the whole world slips into slow-motion.
Indigo's mouth is moving like molasses and even though I hear her words, none of em' are making any sense. I shift my focus over to Jersey who's walking towards me like a runaway model. She's even better to watch in slow motion. Hair blowing in the wind, whole body swaying from side to side.
Dear God help me.
I wanna tell her everything. I wanna get down on my knees and beg her to forgive me. I want--my girlfriend back. Real talk.
"--so basically that's what I think you should tell her, got it?" Indigo says.
"Got what? Sorry, did you say something?"
Indigo shrugs her shoulders and goes back to smacking her gum.
"Ugh. Never mind, just wing it and try not to do anything stupid, Elias."
Too late. 'Cause I'm waving and whistling at Jersey like an idiot, and I don't even care 'cause she looks hot right now and she should know it. Real talk.
"Sorry guys, long phone call. Wanna head in?" Jersey says.
I step between her, and Indigo and loop my arms in between theirs.
"If it's with you two lovely ladies, I'm down to do anything--"
Indigo flips me the bird, so I turn to Jersey who looks slightly less depressed than she did a couple minutes ago.
"--especially if I'm with you. You look great, by the way. Not sure if I told you that back at the dorm, but, somebody should make you feel sexy , and I wanna be that guy."
I don't know what I just said, or where the hell all this super confidence is coming from, but I don't hate it. My blood's pumping, my heart's racing, and I'm pretty sure the moonshine just kicked my high to the next level. And. It's. Awesome.
"Thanks, Elias. Really, thank you." Jersey whispers.
Her cheeks get all rosy, and she stares down at the floor just to hide it.
Suck it Kai.
The King's back in action.
I flash Jersey a smile, and she half smiles back,but Indigo steals my attention with a poke to the ribs. I turn to face her and she yanks me down to her level so we can whisper to each other.
"Just a word of advice, you should probably hold off on hitting on her until she's a) single again and b) sober. I said tell her the truth, don't trespass on her relationship."
"Indigo, I am not hitting on her. I'm being friendly."
She pokes me again, and I'm pretty sure it's gonna leave a bruise this time around.
"Yes, you are. You just started drinking, there's no way you're drunk enough to be acting this stupid."
"Okay, first of all I've been sober for almost a year until today, so you have know idea what kinds of happy things are happening in my body right now. And second, I was rolling before we got here, just don't tell Jersey I mixed 'cause she'll freak out."
Indigo's eyes nearly fall off her face.
"Oh. That would've been nice to know. If you end up in the ER, don't tell the paramedics you got the moonshine from me."
"Done deal! Wanna pinky swear?"
I hold out my finger to Indigo only to have Jersey's hand come crashing into the side of my arm outta nowhere.
"Hey! What was that for?"
She wrenches me out of Indigo's grip and yanks me a good couple feet away.
"For throwing your pinky around like a man slut that's what! The only person you make pinky promises with is me, capiche?!" Jersey says.
And there's the accent.
Yep.
I love this girl.
"Capiche. Why? You jealous?"
Her cheeks turn rosy, and she slaps her hands on either side of her face to cover it.
"Hah, no way, Jose. Incase you forgot, we're in relationships, Elias, and people in relationships can't get jealous. Fact."
Wow. She might be the most talented liar in the world. Just saying.
"Whatever, Jersey."
"No! Not whatever. I'm serious. Just because I don't want you to pinky swear with other people doesn't mean I'm jealous. It just means that our pinky swears are special and magical, and I don't want other people to share them. Get it?"
Not at all. She's drunk, and incoherent, and 100% jealous, but I'll let her keep thinking she isn't.
"Sure. Tell you what, how bout I make up my illegal pinky swear to you on the dance floor? If I have to be at a club, I only wanna dance with you."
She takes my hand, calls out to Indigo to follow us, and then locks her eyes on me.
"You sure you can handle all this?" She says, running her hand down the length of her dress.
Bad decision in three, two...
"Let's go find out."
***
(Thank you guys for reading! Part 2 will be up on Tuesday! What do you guys think is gonna happen between Elias and Jersey? Comment below with your theories/ideas :)! For those of you who are listening, how'd you like the audiobook? We had a great time recording it!)