Elias
Jersey eases off me after God knows how long and flashes a slightly embarrassed smile that tempts me into kissing her all over again.
"How'd you find me?" She asks.
I brush a couple strands of hair away from her eyes so I can get a better look at her.
She's a little shy about staring at me after that kiss, but she doesn't back down. I like her quiet confidence. It's subtle, sexy, and she doesn't even know it.
"Magic and traffic. I spotted you from the street which may or may not make me a stalker. Speaking of alter-egos, where'd you get those moves, J? I wasn't wrong about you being a New Jersey Ninja Turtle," I say.
She laughs to herself, and my pulse responds to the sound.
"My dad made me take Jiujitsu classes in the Spring because he was worried about me going away to college and not being able to defend myself."
"I think you're good to go, and if your martial arts fail, you've always got me. If any creep gets anywhere near you, I'll handle it."
"Boyfriend perks?" She says.
I respond with a quick peck on the lips.
"Boyfriend perks."
Jersey weaves her fingers between mine and stares down at our hands.
"I'm sorry--about leaving earlier. I tried calling to tell you where I was, but Lisa picked up, and then my phone died, so--"
"Forgiven. You scared me for a little bit though. I thought--something happened to you...and Lisa did too. I was--we were both really worried," I say.
Lisa's name tastes like a lie when it rolls off my tongue, but I don't want Jersey to know that I was the only one freaking out about her being gone. I don't want to come off as desperate even though I was. I didn't know how I was gonna find her if I found her at all, and the whole idea of her being missing completely fucked with my head.
The last time I got a girl caught up in my mistakes, it cost her her life. Even if it hadn't, Lacey would've left me after that video came out. Everyone finding out that she was the girl I was involved with killed her long before I did. I don't want that happening to anyone ever again, especially Jersey.
"Is Lisa mad at me? For leaving, I mean?" She asks.
"She's mad at the whole fucking world, Jersey. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I did enough."
She trails off sits back on her feet, but I stop her before she can retreat into herself.
"What are you talking about?"
She nervously looks around at the circle of people still staring at the both of us and then back at me.
"Can I tell you when there's less people watching?"
"Absolutely."
I sling an arm around her shoulder and shoot a mad dog stare at the rest of the strangers still hanging around with their phones out.
"Show's over. Go home, unless you want to stick around to watch us have sex in public of course, but that's a paid show only. Come back in an hour."
The last group of tourists surrounding us shoot judgmental stares in my direction, then pocket their iPhones and go back to taking pictures of the Hollywood stars on the sidewalk. I walk Jersey over to the nearest bus stop with a free bench for us to crash on.
She settles into the space next to me like she belongs there, and her lack of hesitation feels like a good thing. Maybe she meant what she wrote on her hand. Maybe she'll stick with me. Maybe she won't. The way things turn out between us now feels about as predictable as a coin toss.
"You know I don't blame you for leaving, right? If I'd just kept my mouth shut, you wouldn't have had to."
"I didn't leave because of what you said, Elias. There's a million Alexs in the world, and not all of them are girls so for all you know the crowd might've freaked out because they thought you were in love with a--"
"Don't even say it. Your Dan theory was bad enough," I say.
She slips into a giddy little grin that takes some of the edge off the moment.
"I know. I'm sorry I put you through that, but at the time, I kind of needed to believe in something crazy just to keep myself sane."
"What's so great about being sane? I'm certified crazy and it's a pretty good life, I think," I say.
My joke dies in the silence, the smile on her face fades, and seriousness makes a home in her eyes again.
"It is until you realize how much is actually wrong with you."
She stares off into the city lights while the weight of her words sinks in. Sometimes, in little moments like these I wonder where she runs off to--where all the roads in her head take her and if any of them are leading her further away from me.
Her eyes are a million miles away even though she sitting right next to me. Her sudden distance almost steals her out of the moment. But only almost. I lean in and kiss the quiet off her lips just to bring her out of her head and back to the bus stop. Back to me. I spent too much time being separated from her to lose track of her when she's sitting right here.
"Where'd you go?" I ask.
Her eyes swim in their sockets and eventually make their way over to me.
"To the same place in my head I went to when I was in the back of the bookstore--"
She sighs into the silence, I curl my fingers into her hair, and try to massage the tension kicking around that skull of hers.
"--It's kind of like walking into a silent room where everything positive anyone says about you is slowly tuned out until you can't hear them anymore. I know that probably sounds crazy, but that's sort of how my mind's been working lately."
She doesn't sound crazy at all. The first couple months I started working with Dan, he broke down how my depression worked, so I could understand it. When I first got to rehab, I was down about everything. Didn't matter how many times Dan told me that I'd learn how to survive the bad days and eventually get to the good ones, I didn't believe him. Not because I was being a stubborn asshole about things, but because I mentally couldn't accept the idea that things would get better. But I was wrong, and I thank God everyday for that.
"Did you tune me out? When I was reading to you?" I ask, sheepishly.
She fidgets with the bottom of her dress for a couple seconds before answering.
"No, not at all. That's the strange thing. When I was standing there watching you on stage, I heard every word you said. I felt every word you said. And I kept waiting for that silence to drown you out or make me feel numb, but it didn't. Your voice was loud and clear in my head, and my heart, and my veins and it was--beautiful, and confusing, and terrifying. We had a whole room between us but I felt like you were right next to me, trying to pull me away from my doubts, but then something snapped, and I started doubting everything. I fell back into that place in myself that denies everything, and it got so bad that I left. I just left and I wish I could take it back, but I can't--I can't do anything but tell you how sorry I am, Elias. I'm so sorry."
Her voice gives way to sobs that eventually bloom into the quiet tears slipping down the slopes of her cheeks. I fight the urge to wipe them away because I want her to feel this. I want her to let herself be as honest and real as she needs to be right now.
"You didn't do anything wrong, okay? You don't have to apologize for anything."
"I do. If I was stronger I would've stayed. I would've rooted myself to the ground for you. But I was so scared. And it wasn't because of the people watching, or because of what you'd said, I was terrified of how honestly I responded. I wrote "Yes" on my hand and in that moment, I was so happy, but I felt like I didn't deserve it, so I ran. I stepped outside, bolted to the bus station, got on the first line that came, and ended up here."
"Right back where we started. Part of this place belongs to us, you know."
She wipes the tears away from her eyes and stares me confused.
"Wait? Is this the exact same spot where we kissed last year?"
She turns around and looks back at the Chinese theater like she's staring into a dream.
"Hell yeah! I rocked your little virgin world with that kiss."
She whips around and rolls her eyes at me.
"Wow, okay, first of all, that kiss was good, albeit a little sloppy and second, at that point you didn't even know I was a virgin yet."
"J, you were like a billboard for virgins. Your eyes were all big and wide and sparkly, and you blushed whenever I talked to you. It was cute. Obvious, but cute."
She crinkles her nose.
"That's--mildly embarrassing. Usually, I'm pretty good at fooling people."
"Nah, I had you all figured out. Speaking of that, this might be a stupid question, but it's an important one. Do you still--"
A black town car pulls up right in front of us and honks it horn loudly enough to kill the conversation. The back window rolls down to reveal Lisa's lovely face glaring directly at me. Her eyes dart over to Alex and she narrows them so hard her crows feet sprout a couple extra toes--if you know what I mean. I wave at her casually while she frantically motions for the both of us to get in the car.
"We have circled the block three times looking for you! Next time you decide to make an impromptu journey out of a moving vehicle, let me know it advance! Get in the car! We're late and I've got a mountain of bones to pick with the two of you!"
I stand up, take Alex by the hand, and start walking her over to angry Lisa's chariot one lazy foot after the other. The slower we walk, the angrier Lisa gets--and I'm loving every minute of it.
A couple steps short of the car, I stop and spin Alex around in my arms before catching her and pulling her in close. She giggles nervously to herself while Lisa eyeballs the two of us in shock.
"Elias King. If you don't get in the car in the next thirty seconds, I will get out and drag you in myself."
"We're coming, Lisa. I just gotta ask her something before we leave. It's for her ears only, no publicists allowed."
Lisa rolls her eyes, rolls up the window and I shift my attention back to Jersey.
"Remember when I said I had an important question for you, earlier?"
"Yes. That was less than a minute ago and I don't have amnesia so yes, yes I do."
I take her right hand in mine and lift her pen-stained palms to my lips.
"Do you still mean what you wrote? Am I free to date you and creep on you, and make sweet, raunchy love to you whenever you say the word?"
She lets out a snort of a laugh and stares up at me glassy-eyed.
"Yes and yes. But I haven't established what 'the word' is so you better keep things PG until I say so."
"So say so."
"Patience, Elias. Good things come to those who wait."
She stands up on her tip toes and pulls me into the kinda kiss that tests the balls out of my patience and then trots off towards the backseat.
I hang back for a couple seconds and watch her walk away. Her hips sway from side to side, and she struts off with a sly smile on her face and waits for me on the other side of the car.
I start to follow her, but I'm not even two steps off the curb when reality hits me. The world slows down to the point where I start questioning whether or not I'm really in it. Or if tonight's actually happening, or if the beautiful girl in front me is actually mine.
I watch her--waiting to see if she disappears, or if everything around me dissolves into a dream.
But then she turns around and looks at me, and the Hollywood smile on her lips is so damn beautiful that it shatters every single one of my doubts.
I shut my eyes, tilt my head towards the skyline, and whisper my gratitude towards the stars.
Dear God,
I'll do better this time.
For you.
For my family.
And for her.
Real talk.
-Elias
***
I love sushi. Really, I do. If sushi were a girl I'd be all over it all the time. Maybe that sounds weird, but whatever. You know what I mean.
Anyway, my relationship with sushi has always been a good thing--until tonight.
Normally, when I wanna stuff my face with spicy tuna rolls or scarf down some yellowtail, I go to cozy hole-in-the-wall places that only a handful of people know about.
I don't go to five star, pretentious-as-fuck restaurants that attract nothing but suits, celebrities, and Hollywood socialites like Lisa, but here we are.
The three of us step out of the Lincoln past a hive of paparazzi who are too busy stalking someone two cars down to pay any attention to me and walk into the belly of the beast. The inside of this place looks like it was designed by an asshole for assholes who like eating sushi in the dark. The whole restaurant is low-lit and packed with more people than I want there to be. Everybody's eyeing each other to figure out who's who, while I'm standing here giving zero fucks about anybody else but Jersey.
She grabs onto my hand when we walk up to the hostess who barely takes her eyes off the reservation list to acknowledge our existence. Figures.
"Danali, party of three," Lisa croaks.
Her voice sounds even worse than usual. My bad. She had a lot to yell at us about back in the car. Apparently, me and Alex aren't supposed to be seen together until she says so, we can't drop hints about or relationship on social media until she says so, and we can't fucking breathe until she says so. This chick sounds like the Dr. Murray of book publishing, but I have no plans to do anything that she says.
And there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
I can keep things between me and Jersey low key without having to physically separate myself from her. I don't need Lisa's permission to spend time with my girlfriend.
I don't need Lisa's permission to do anything.
I'm a King, I don't take orders.
I make the rules.
Real talk.
"Your table is ready. Follow me please."
High-ponytail hostess leads us deep into the restaurant and seats our little trio in a relatively secluded area. I like the privacy for two reasons.
Reason #1: I can eat in peace without people staring.
Reason #2: It's dark enough in this corner for me to get away with murder when Lisa's not paying attention. Jersey's been walking around in that little white dress all night, and I'm dying to take advantage of how short it is. Real talk.
Jersey scoots into the space next to me and props her head against my shoulder. Lisa rolls her eyes at the two of us and slams her iPad on the table to try to scare us out of acting like a couple.
"Listen up, you two, what happened tonight is what Hollywood likes to call a disaster, so I've made a list of potential cover stories that'll keep the truth about the whole Jersey identity reveal out of the press for the next couple days. They're going to figure out who Alex is eventually, so be prepared for the worst. The internet's not a nice place, and Hollywood journalists make online trolls look like angels, so prepare yourselves. I've got a couple hundred phone calls to make, so read while I work."
Lisa slides the iPad across the table, but I'm too busy nuzzling noses with Jersey to pay attention to Lisa's list. I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that she's my girlfriend, so I'm acting a little extra creepy right now. I keep staring at her eyes and her lips for weirdly long amounts of time, but Jersey doesn't seem to mind it.
She just blushes and looks down at her hands, or her shoes, or at anything else but me when my creeping gets to be too much. I catch her by the chin when I feel her getting awkward again, and pull her gaze back to mine before she can run away.
"You remind me of this song I know," I say.
Confusion washes over her face, and it takes me a couple seconds to realize that I sounded vague as fuck. My bad.
"There's millions of songs in the universe, Elias. Which one are you referring to?"
"The-the one where the guy's talking about the blowing girl?"
"What?!"
"No, I mean- ya know, for once I'm not talking about that. It's that song where that guy's singing about falling in love with a girl."
"Oh! You mean every love song ever written?" She says.
I shake my head.
"Hey, I put all my descriptive mojo into that Letters to Jersey reading. I'm running on empty here so give me a second to try to figure this out."
"One, one thousand. Times up! Second's over. Spill the title, Shakespeare," She teases.
"Did you just clock block me? You know I can't think under pressure."
"You usually can't think at all. But I'm proud of you for trying."
"You know, there's punishments for sassing the King around these parts. Punishments like this one."
I grab Jersey by the waist as tickle the hell out of her until she starts convulsing. She accidentally donkey kicks the table, and Lisa spills her water all over the crotch of her pants suit. Jersey and I both freeze and wait for her to wail on the two of us.
But she doesn't. She's too busy on the phone to scream like she wants to.
She mouths a silent "fuck you" to me across the table to save face before storming off to the bathroom to clean herself up.
Jersey and I burst out laughing the second she leaves, and go right back to our little guessing game once making fun of Lisa's anger issues loses its fun.
"So, like I was saying, you remind me of this song about a girl. It's sung by some guy from the UK, I think," I say.
"Ed Sheeran? I love Ed Sheeran. Do I remind you of his music because if so that's super romantic?"
What the hell is it with girls and Ed Sheeran? The guy's probably the first ginger ever to melt this many panties. But, I'll bet you a million dollars if he didn't have that singer-songwriter thing going, on he'd still be a virgin. Quote me.
"Nah, he didn't sing the song I'm thinking about. This other dude did. His name starts with a D or something."
"Damien Rice?"
"Yeah! That guy."
Jersey cracks a crooked smile.
"Wow, I would not take you for a Damien Rice fan, Mr. Foo Fighters."
"What's that supposed to mean? I can like romantic songs too. I've got a soft side you know, and a hard one, but you know all about that already."
I wink at her and she pretends to vomit. Whatever. She likes me. Ego and all.
"Anyway, in that song Damien sings this line over and over again about not being able to take his eyes off this girl he's into," I say.
Even in the low light, I catch Jersey's cheeks light up. It's beautiful. She's beautiful, and this is exactly why she reminds me of this song.
"The Blower's Daughter," she says after a long silence.
"Yeah, the blow one! The rest of the song's kinda depressing but the chorus might as well have been written about me and you right now. You look beautiful tonight, you know that?"
She shakes her head and laughs to herself.
"No, I don't. I look tired and you probably can't take your eyes off of me because of the astronomically huge midterm stress pimple that's sprouted in the middle of my forehead. It's super gross."
I didn't even notice it until she pointed it out. It's weird how she only sees her flaws. She's missing the bigger picture.
"I already told you. I like your gross. Want me to pop it for you? That stuck up table of Barbie dolls across the way will freak out if I do it when they're watching."
Jersey eyes them for a couple seconds and then nods at me like the little squirrel girl that she is.
"Oh, my gosh do it! And then kiss it once all the pus comes out for dramatic effect.
Too far.
"That's completely twisted but I like the way you think. If we get rid of them, we'll have this side of the restaurant to ourselves. Come here."
Jersey leans in, I take her face in my hands, and start singing the chorus of "The Blower's Daughter" while I position my thumbs on either side of her pimple.
"Are you seriously gonna do it? I was kidding, Elias!" She whispers.
I wink at her and slide my hands down to the sides of her face.
"Of course, I'm not. I just wanted an excuse to get close enough to kiss you," I say.
She angles her lips up towards mine and smiles away my self-restraint.
"For the record, if you want to kiss me from now on, you don't need an excuse. Just do it."
"Boyfriend perks?" I ask.
"Totally."
"Get over here."
I close the couple inches left between us and lose myself in her lips again. Kissing her feels so different now. We don't hesitate or question things the way we used to. We just connect. And it's so easy, but so out of this world intense that I have to remind myself to slow down.
I have to remind my hands that they belong on her waist instead of under her dress.
I have to remind my body that we're in a restaurant and not in my room.
There are all these rules and limits to this boyfriend-girlfriend thing.
But the longer I kiss her, the less I care.
"Sorry to interrupt, but can I get you two anything to drink?"
A high-pitched voice pulls me away from Jersey and kills everything good about the mood and the moment.
"Can you give us a second?" I say.
I don't even turn around to acknowledge the waitress because I'm too busy trying to figure out new ways to make out with Jersey's face.
"Sure thing! I can go get you some waters and take your orders when I come back. Is that okay with you?"
Her voice.
Something about her voice grates at my ears in a way that's disturbingly familiar. Maybe it's 'cause she sounds like Roxy on helium. Maybe it's 'cause I can't stand the sound of screechy girls after spending half the night surrounded by them. Maybe it's because she sounds desperate.
I don't know.
Whatever it is, it's irritating enough to get me to turn around and I take a good look at the person that voice belongs to.
But the second I turn around, I wish I hadn't.
I wish I hadn't sat at this table.
I wish I hadn't come here at all.
I look up and see San Francisco staring me straight in the face.
I see the rain.
I see the shadows of the city and the shadows in myself.
I see six months of darkness, hospital rooms, and surgical tables.
I see a distortion of my life dancing in the darkness of her eyes and the smoke of my mistakes burning in her fire-red hair.
And all my words evaporate in my mouth.
Because I'm face to face with my worst kept secret.
The one that could ruin everything.
The one whose presence kills all the poetry in me.
Mindy.
***
(Thank you guys so much for reading! Are we torturing you guys with these cliffhangers ;)?! Well, no worries! We should have the next update for by next weekend although there may be slight delay because we'll be in Berlin next weekend, but we will keep you posted! Can't wait to share more with you next weekend!)
PS: BONUS QUESTION OF THE WEEK: Which girl was worse for Elias, Mindy or Cassie?! Comment with your thoughts!