(Note: If you're in the mood to laugh, smile, and have an all around good time while reading this chapter give kaelking12's audiobook version a listen while you read! You're in for a great performance if you do!)
Alex
Statistically speaking, there are probably less than .001 percent of people in the world who don't know the difference between right and wrong. And then there's people like Roxy.
Roxy belongs in that special little category of human beings who are either a) sociopaths or b) deranged to the point where they choose to do the wrong thing just because it helps them get ahead. Roxy's an RA. She's also a year shy of getting her degree so she's clearly aware of the basics of being a decent person by now.
Or then again, maybe she isn't.
Maybe she was raised by glitter-covered wolves who taught her how to do her make-up like a human but act like an animal. Because only an animal would leak me, my boyfriend, and my best friend's information to the whole of YouTube without batting a fake eyelash.
Okay.
Rant kind of sort of over.
Normally, I'm not a vengeful person--not anymore at least. I used to straight up sock people in the face if they pissed me off-- but that was a dark time. Now, I let other people handle the vengeance department--like Elias, for example, who's currently hellbent on ruining Roxy's life in ways that may or may not be legal.
Time to find out.
After cruising down the Santa Monica backstreets in Ryker's VW van like 70's flower children, the four of us arrived at the the local Home Depot just off of Jefferson Blvd. Elias spent most of the journey holding my hand from the front seat while geeking out over all things guitar with Ryker. Indigo and I sat quietly in the back just watching our guys from a distance.
Every now and again Elias would shoot me lopsided smiles through one of Ryker's sideview mirrors and stare at me until I'd have to look away.
It's strange thinking that this is who we are now. That Elias and I can do something as simple as drive around together with our friends, laughing and smiling like we never had any problems.
This morning, I almost feel weightless. I almost feel like I can be the kind of girl who can convince herself of an illusion long enough believe it.
But then there are moments when reality sets in. When Ryker would brake a little too hard and Elias would hold on to my hand like a life line. Moments where the memory of us being skin-to-skin made me sick, and sad, and terrified of myself and him.
Of myself with him.
Sometimes, I don't know who the girl in the mirror is. I don't know why he smiles at her, and stares at her lovingly because some part of her still feels like she doesn't deserve it.
Some part of her is afraid to resign to it all over again.
The last twenty-four hours have felt like a lucid dream, like I was standing outside myself watching another version of me interact with Elias. Last night, I forced myself to stop being afraid. I stopped letting guilt and fear twist a beautiful moment with him out of shape because I wanted to live it.
I wanted to fall in love with it.
I desperately wanted to connect with him again.
But after he fell asleep, I fell into myself. The past and present crashed into each other and I lay there staring up while the stars blurred in front of my eyes--praying that he wouldn't wake up to my sadness. My emptiness.
I don't want him to see it.
I don't want him to feel everything the way I do because it would ruin all of this.
The rekindled relationship, the romance, everything.
Regret and resentment leave wounds, and mine are still raw.
Still aching even though things are supposed to be better now.
And we are.
Better.
Or maybe he's the only one.
The thing about "better" is that it only means something isn't as bad as it has been, so it's better than it was not necessarily better than before.
It has nothing to do with an actual transformation of turning something back to what it once was.
And that's what scares me.
There are times when I look at him and all I see is him leaving.
I see the broad arch of his tanned shoulders as he walked off Belmar beach. I see the way he smiled as he left. I still feel the way he kissed me.
And that memory terrifies me.
Haunts me. Finds its way and seeps into everything that seems good about us.
Not because I don't believe in him, or his promises, or his passion to stay.
I'm afraid I'm the one who'll disconnect.
That I'll disappear out of this relationship and end up waist deep in the same darkness that swallowed me last fall.
I still feel it in me. So present. It's hard to believe that he doesn't pick up on it at all.
But if he's happier not knowing, I'll give him that happiness.
Because that's what love is for me right now--giving someone else happiness even though I can't receive it.
So every time he looks at me through that mirror, even as he's looking at me now, I'll pretend as much as I need to. Until pretending makes the pain go away.
"Jersey! J-bae! Earth to Alejandra, do you copy?"
Elias's voice comes booming out of the front seat and startles me back to reality.
"What? Sorry, I was just thinking."
"About me?"
"Woah, man. Easy on the self-servitude. Humility does do wonders for the soul, brother," Ryker says.
"Soul, what?! Haha... see what I did there,babe? It's like 'so what' and 'say what' and 'like what?!' All at once! Three-fer!"
Elias grins at me like a loon. Wow. Morning afters really are totally different for guys than they are for girls. He's on top of the world and I'm--I don't know where I am. I wouldn't even know where to start looking.
"Of course. What else would I do, oh, King of my universe," I say.
"Oh my shakras, you're humoring him? I think you two need to re-zenter yourselves with a few root burnings and crystal cleansings. Obsidian or quartz should do. The last thing I need is for your narcissist of a boyfriend who happens to be incapable of understanding sarcasm btw to offset my morning meditation. Come on, Ryker, we outie this "universe", Indigo says.
Elias ignores Indigo and Ryker's exit completely and genuinely takes my statement to heart while flashing me a vomit-inducing self-satisfied smirk. Typical.
"Can I quote you? Please? I feel like reminding you that I'm the King of your universe will do wonders for our relationship."
I dry heave in his general direction and then reach for the door handle.
"And I feel like bolting out of the car before your ego sucks all the air out of it will do wonders for my mental health. Goodbye."
He flings his arms over the seat and catches me by the shoulder mid-escape.
"I was kidding, J. I'm sorry, I just wanted to lighten up the mood a little bit. You look--
"Beautiful, glamorous, tired from staying up with you?" I ask.
Deflect, deny, pretend.
"Yeah, well that, and you seem kinda--"
I lean forward and kiss him. I kiss him slowly until the curve of his smile brushes against my lips. If he's kissing me, he's not watching me. He's not seeing the other side of the coin slipping through the cracks. He pulls away after a short while and stares at me, starry-eyed.
"I love you. You know that, right?"
I know it better than anybody else. I just wish I was a better person to love.
"I do. I love you too, I'm just worried about Roxy and the stupid news and Lisa," I say.
A thick angry vein pops out in the middle of Elias's forehead at the mention of Lisa's name. It's adorable enough to tempt me into kissing it, but I don't. I hold back. Like I always do.
"Hey, I got an idea. How bout you and me hi-jack Ryker's shag wagon, kidnap and tie up Roxy and Lisa, and drop them into the L.A. river mafia style? You down?"
Elias waggles his eyebrows and I unexpectedly burst out laughing. I bend over and hug my stomach and commit the moment to memory. These are the little ones I live for. The ones where I don't feel broken.
"Okay, there's a series of problems with that plan, starting with the fact that there's no water in the L.A. river for you to throw them in."
Elias's mouth perks up on one side revealing a tiny dimple in the bottom corner of his cheek.
"That's the point. No need for the concrete block. Two birds with one stone, baby. Foolproof."
He flicks his wrist and snaps in fingers in that way all the cool kids used to in high school. Sometimes I forget that Elias used to be one of them. I obviously wasn't. I wonder if we'd actually gone to the same school if we would've ended up where we are now. Sometimes I wish I had met him sooner. Then maybe I would've ended up dating someone I would've grown to love instead of going out with a boy who's idea of ending things was breaking my wrist.
"Noted. I'll make sure to quote you in court when the judge asks me if I was an accomplice."
"Say what?"
"A person who assists the murderer in the murdering."
He stares up at the car ceiling for a couple seconds and nods his head like the wisdom of the world has just dawned on him.
"So like, does that mean you wouldn't be the Bella to my Edward?"
I do my best not to stare at him with my mouth hanging open but sometimes the boy just doesn't make any sense. At all. If all else fails, after graduation I could always ask him to hire me as his personal translator when he does interviews and book tours. I'd be employed for life.
"Babe, they're from Twilight. Were you thinking of something else?"
Elias's forehead turns into a tiny field of wrinkles.
"Yeah, what's that one with the girl and her boyfriend and they're both bandits. Jekyll and Hyde?"
Oh Dear Lord.
"Bonnie and Clyde, sweetheart. Bonnie and Clyde."
"Oh yeah! Like Thelma and Louise except straight!"
Wow.
"Thelma and Louise were friends, Elias."
He bunches his mouth to the side and squints like he's working through a memory.
"Ah, okay. I didn't actually see the movie. I just remember seeing two chicks on the cover and thinking it'd be kinda hot if they were--"
"You know what? We've totally been keeping Indigo and Ryker waiting for the last few minutes. I'll race you to the front entrance! On your mark, get set...."
End of awkward conversation.
I whip open the van door and break into the eighty degree heat sprinting with the desert wind at my back. There's something different about the air in California. The way it always makes you feel like you can breathe easy even when you're in over your head. The smell of the ocean's always on the wind and the sun's always on your skin reminding you to look up and appreciate the day.
I shut my eyes and lose myself to the feeling of being momentarily free. But the clomping of Elias's flip flops against the pavement pulls me back to earth. He runs up behind me, locks his arms around my waist, and carries me past our make shift finish line and into the cool air conditioning of the store lobby.
Elias starts loudly carrying on about having caught a wild animal which of course sends me into a fit of surprisingly giddy laughter all over again.
I catch sight of Indigo and Ryker leaning against each other--their bodies propped up against a long row of shopping carts, just staring at the two of us. It's not exactly judgmental stare (unlike a few douchey passersby), but instead there's a kind reverence on their faces that has nothing to do with Elias and I. It's kind of like they're re-watching one of their favorite movies and taking in every frame.
Elias puts me down--reluctantly--mainly due to the fact that a store manager curtly suggested that we "quiet down or else". I don't know what the terms of his "or else" consist of, but I'm fairly sure Elias only agreed because the guy was six foot five and was built like a brick wall.
Once I'm safely back down on the ground, Elias takes my hand and waltzes the two of us over to the curved row of shopping carts to catch up with Indigo and Ryker.
"You two put on quite the show. Makes me nostalgic about how me and Indi used to be," Ryker says.
Used to be?
"You guys don't need to put on a show for people to stare at you. You're like this awesome hippy chic couple and you're totally on the same wavelength. I'm jealous," I say.
"Hey! We're on the same wave length. Every time I see you I wave to you way longer than anybody else," Elias says.
Elias makes this face all of a sudden--and it's adorable and devastating at the same time because I'm fairly sure he genuinely believes in what he's saying. Ryker subtly waves me over to his side and leans down to whisper to me.
"He's not actually serious, is he?"
"Oh, he is. He got a really bad concussion because of me a little over a year ago and he hasn't exactly been 100% in the vocabulary department ever since," I say.
Ryker nods and then passes the story on to Indigo who scoffs loud enough to get Elias's attention.
"What? Are you guys talking about me? I can hear you, you know!"
Indigo folds her bangle-covered arms across her chest and stares at Elias blankly.
"If you can hear us, then technically you should already know what we're talking about."
Elias's face turns bright red but despite his obvious embarrassment, he straightens up and shoots Indigo a look that I think is supposed to get her to back down. She doesn't budge. Honestly, if it ever came down to it, Indigo could probably make Elias cry. Inarguable fact.
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Either way, you shouldn't be disrespecting the guy who's gonna lead you into battle. We can't get back at The Roxasaurus if we're divided as a team, okay?"
"We're not divided, Elias. We were just talking about how your brain is," Indigo teases.
Elias's jaw nearly crashes into the linoleum floor. Apparently, he doesn't like being teased.
"Screw you guys. I thought we were friends."
Ryker pats an extremely insecure and frustrated looking Elias on the shoulder and flashes him a wry smile.
"Easy there, compadre. We're all fighting for the same cause. Your lady love was just telling us how your head injury impaired some of your cognitive abilities. But there's no judgement in this group, Eli. You are the way you were made to be."
"Cogna-what?"
"Nevermind. So what's your battle strategy, Napoleon?" Ryker asks.
Elias steps up on a nearby lawnmower display and clears his throat to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today in honor of Roxy The Snitch. She royally screwed us over so we're gonna screw her right back foursome style!"
Elias beams at the four of us like he's exceptionally proud of his analogy. Or then again, maybe he's just totally unaware of what he just said. Indigo lets out the kind of sigh she specially reserves for Elias when he makes brilliant comments like these.
"Beautiful imagery, Elias. Now I have the picture of all of us sexually engaging with Roxy permanently engrained in my head. Thank you for that," Indigo says.
"You're welcome, GoGo. Always glad to expand your imagination."
Elias smirks at her a little too obnoxiously so I step in between the two of them before Indigo's infinite patience with him spontaneously runs out. I wrap my arms around Elias's waist and stare up at him until his focus shifts back to me. In two seconds flat, the smugness on his face disappears, and his mouth molds into a genuine smile. There's the boy I know.
"So, what's the plan, Mr. King?" I ask.
Elias's eyes dart around nervously.
"That's the thing, I don't actually have one...I mean I thought I did. Like, on the way here, I had this idea that I wanted to do something to Roxy's car and I thought once we got to the Depot that I'd be inspired but...I got nothing."
Indigo approaches the two of us with Ryker trailing close behind.
"I've got an idea. Why don't we buy a couple sledgehammers and a nail gun and ruin all of Roxy's tires before making the outside of her car look like the dude from Hellraiser? If we really wanna go Shiva on her we can cut up her seats for dramatic effect. What do you think?"
Everyone's silent. Everyone. Silent and staring at Indigo completely confused by the Mrs. Hippy Hyde personality that just came out to play. I clear my throat and do my best to smile at her without looking as freaked out as I feel.
"That's....an intense plan. Maybe we could come up with something slightly less illegal?" I say.
"Sure, but if you don't break any rules, you can't have any fun."
Ryker takes Indigo by the shoulder without saying a word and turns her around to face him. He lowers his head of glorious half-munned hair, leans in, and rests his forehead against hers. He lets out a low hum which Indigo eventually matches. I have absolutely no idea what they're doing, but when they finish, Indigo looks centered again. Thank, God.
"Sorry about that, sometimes my sense of karma can be a bit far reaching," Indigo says, and soon as the words leave her mouth, Ryker straightens up like a soldier and smiles at the three of us like he just discovered the Lost City of Atlantis.
"Guys, I got it. The plan has just materialized in my brain and we are going to make it a reality. Alex, Elias, we're gonna drop you off at a clandestine location and you both will be responsible for picking up--the package."
Elias cocks his head to the side and looks at me with the kind of face that silently hopes I've understood Ryker better than he has. Yeah, no.
"What package?" I ask.
"The package that will literally and figuratively, blow Roxy's mind."
***
There are many walks of shame in life. The first and most popular is the one that couples have to partake in after they've slept together and their friends, family, or general acquaintances catch them after the act.
And then there's the CVS walk of shame.
The one where you waltz into a drugstore, past a horde of people watchers waiting in line, who automatically assume that because you're there with your boyfriend, that the two of you are most likely heading to the pharmacy for your shared STD.
This is how things went down when we arrived.
Apparently, midday is rush hour for judgmental pharmacy goers in Santa Monica. The check out lines were practically spilling into the aisles all while one extremely pale and twitchy looking cashier struggled to handle the register. Elias and I entered the store holding hands and talking like normal people do only to be stared down by the proverbial drug store mob the second we passed them.
Their eyes scanned our every move most likely waiting to see us sneak off to the herpes cream section together.
But what the mob didn't understand or probably expect was for Elias to loudly proclaim that he was, and I quote, "backed up like a sewer pipe"and in dire need of the laxative section.
That was ten minutes ago. The mob hasn't looked our direction ever since.
We've been standing in the constipation aisle staring at the wall of laxatives trying to find ones without the ingredients Ryker said to avoid. Elias hands me the list his new found best friend gave him and just about kicks over the shelves in frustration.
"Dude, I get that Ryker and GoGo are health junkies or whatever, but why can't we buy some good old fashioned poop chocolates and call it a day?"
He folds his arms across his chest and scowls at the mountain of laxative choices in front of us. I'm right there with him. Instead of giving us a list of things we could buy, Ryker gave us a list of things we shouldn't. I'm practically going cross-eyed reading paragraphs of ingredients while Elias is losing his mind trying to pronounce them.
Time for a change of plans.
"Why don't we just ask someone, babe? The people here are really helpful when they want to be," I say.
Elias busts out his I'm-a-man-and-I-don't-ask-for-help-with-anything-ever face and frowns at me.
"Jersey, I got this. Today's my first official day on boyfriend duty and what kinda guy would I be if I couldn't find a box of all natural laxatives?"
I almost laugh because it's genuinely hard to believe that he's actually being serious. But the wildly determined look on his face completely says otherwise.
"Fair point. But what kind of guy would you be if you refused to ask for help when you needed it?"
He squeezes the back of his neck and sighs in defeat before stomping off to find a store employee. He doesn't even make it ten steps before his phone goes off in his pocket.
"Hey, Gogo. Yeah, Alex is with me. No we're not doing anything shady, her phone's dead. Scouts honor. Sure, hold on."
Elias jogs back over to me and puts Indigo on speaker phone.
"Hey, Lex. I just wanted to ask you and boytoy a question before we proceed with our mildly criminal plans. Are either of you deathly allergic to anything?"
"Not that I know of," I say.
"Does our mission involve coconuts? 'Cause if so, I'm out."
"Yes, Elias. Our grand scheme is to pelt Roxy with coconuts after giving her the runs. How'd you guess?" Indigo says.
Elias's face bunches up like a prune.
"What's with the teasing today, GoGo? What'd I ever do to you?"
"You're officially my roomie's boyfriend now so that gives me a license to give you the proverbial hard time. Suck it up. It's all love."
Elias mouths a silent "can you believe this girl?" and then goes right back to glaring at the phone.
"Okay, well we're almost done here. We just need the name of the laxative Ryker suggested," I say.
Indigo laughs through the other side of the phone line.
"He gave you a list of no-no ingredients didn't he?"
"Yeah, and no name."
"Typical. It's called Nature's Solution. After you grab it, can you two bus it back to UCLA and meet us at the Sunset Rec parking lot? Sorry to leave you stranded but we're picking up something...special."
Elias motions for me to hand him the phone.
"Special enough to ditch us? You better show up with a van full of ninjas or some epic shit like that or else," he says.
"All I can say is, when it comes to settling the score with the Rox, revenge never looked so pretty."
***
Ryker and Indigo got a dog. No, you didn't misread that. They actually showed up with a living, breathing, newly adopted rescue named Karma.
And Karma is my new best friend.
The adorably overweight, caramel, Pitty jumps up to say hello the second Elias and I are close enough for her to greet us. She licks both sides of my face while Elias pats her head oohing and cooing like all dog lovers do.
For a split second, I imagine a future us. A version of our lives where we have a dog of our own, a place of our own, and a cookie cutter relationship. The kind you watch play out in Lifetime movies that are happy sappy to the point of being nauseating. But when you're living out those moments, the ones where a good feeling is only amplified by the strength of your connection to another person, they're not movie cliches. They're moments that remind you of the silver lining. Moments that bring you out of the dark.
Once Karma has her fill of covering the two of us in slobber, we hand over our bag of bowel unblocking goodies to Ryker and Indigo.
"And so, our siege begins," Ryker says as he fishes the box of Nature's Solution out of our crumpled CVS bag. Elias and I stare at him completely confused as he lightheartedly whistles over Karma and then proceeds to feed her a piece of the laxative we got.
Elias bolts over to Ryker and grabs him by the shoulders a second too late.
"Dude, what are you doing?! Dogs can't take laxatives?! She'll die!"
Ryker pats Karma on the head and then glances up towards Elias with a lazy smile on his face.
"That's extreme. She won't die, Elias. These are as natural as you can get and Indi and I specifically picked out a dog with constipation problems for the job. She'll be okay. Believe me, I'm an active member of PETA, so I wouldn't hurt a hair on her head, right, Karma?!"
Karma licks Ryker's hand and bounces around in front of him like she didn't just swallow a stool softener. Indigo beckons Karma over in her direction as she struts towards Ryker's van. The wind picks up and blows the coat tails of her military jacket as she makes her way across the pavement, sun glasses glimmering, hair tied up in a messy bun. She looks like an action star and as I stare at her, wishing I could achieve that level of effortless awesomeness, Ryker answers the question on my lips before I even get a chance to ask it.
"Watch and learn, Alex. Indigo's about to make magic happen."
"What kind of magic?"
Ryker shushes me as soon as Indigo emerges from the van with a straightened out clothes hanger in one hand and a Swiss Army knife in the other. She heads straight for Roxy's neon pink Barbie Mobile with Karma happily trotting along at her heels. Indigo stops once she reaches the back, crouches down, and jabs the blunt end of her army knife blade into each one of Roxy's wheels.
Elias and I stand there with our jaws glued to the floor as we witness Mrs. Former Kumbaya turn into indie Rambo.
"Ry, does your girlfriend have any mafia ties I should know about? Alex's family does--" Elias says.
I pull an invisible zipper across my mouth to signal him to shut up and he winks at me and keeps on going regardless.
"--her grandmother is like the old, saggy version of Al Pacino and she nearly castrated me for pissing her off--so I'd like to know about crime lord connections ahead of time so I can avoid any surprises."
Ryker lets out a breathy laugh all without taking his eyes off Indigo.
"Indi's a lifetime of surprises, Elias. You don't know what she's gonna do from one day--"
Indigo's hanger rattles against Roxy's driver's side window as she jimmys the lock on the door and finally pops it open.
"--to the next."
Indigo pulls a bag full of dog treats out of her pocket and scatters them all over the inside of Roxy's pristine interior. She leans over and pats the front seat to let a very excited Karma know that she's free to jump inside.
"Wait, so our big plan was to leave dog treats inside of Roxy's car?" I ask.
Ryker shoots me a knowing smile.
"We let Karma eat her fill of dog food before you guys showed up and all I can say is when it comes to what's about to go down in Roxy's car--"
Ryker tilts his head up toward the sky and stares up into the universe like he can see it all coming together.
"--Karma's a bitch."
***
(Thank you guys so so much for being so patient with this crazy update. From technical problems to busy schedules it's been hectic trying to get this out to you guys but kaelking12 and I are super excited to finally be able to post this chapter/audiobook episode for your reading/listening pleasure! Can't wait to share the next update with you! Will keep you posted on when it'll be up!)
PS: BONUS FACT VS. REAL TALK COMMENTING/HASTAG BATTLE! LET'S SEE HOW LONG WE CAN MAKE THIS CHAIN! FEEL FREE TO MAKE AS MANY FACT/REAL TALK WORTHY STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BOOK, CHARACTERS, WHATEVER YOU WANT ETC.
IF SOMEONE SAYS FACT RESPOND WITH REAL TALK BELOW THEM ETC. I'LL START....
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!
#FACT