IMPORTANT NOTE & TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter discusses themes of suicide, anxiety, and depression. We want anyone who has struggled with these things to know that both Kristen and I have had a lot of personal experience with friends and family members who have dealt with this first hand. By navigating the characters through these difficult topics we hope to provide hope for those of you who are struggling with any of these things and let you know that we're always open to talk with you guys about whatever you might be going through.
In our faith, we believe in helping anyone who's struggling, building up the brokenhearted and establishing strong, trusting, personal relationships with people (no matter who you are or where you come from, we're here to help never to judge). We've been through a lot in our own lives and want to write things that help you guys know that you're never alone in what you're dealing with.
We also hope that Elias and Jersey are relatable characters whose stories mirror the struggles people deal with in real life. Much of the struggles they've gone through are inspired by actual problems from people we've known personally or people who we've encountered. We want this platform to be a safe place for our friends/ readers to share their experiences. Please know that these story lines have been written with utmost care and consideration of people who deal with these issues in real life, so we have nothing but respect for you and your experiences.
So if you have a story to share, or a story that's inspired by this one, we're more than happy to talk to you publicly or privately about what you're going through. Just leave us a comment or drop us a message and we're always happy to talk :).
-Jenny & Kristen
***
Elias
I can't look at Jersey so I stare out at the dust flickering through the sun beams spilling down from the windows. Maybe God's trying to tell me that the sun can shine through the shadows no matter how dark the day is, but right now it just feels like the light's fading between me and her.
We sit without saying anything for a while. Just breathing and holding our breath trying to figure out how to fill in the quiet. Regret crawls out of my chest and straight into my throat. But right before I open my mouth to take back everything I said, Jersey takes me in her arms and holds me long enough for my guard to come down.
The second she touches me, a whole new world of worries hit me in waves. I'm scared of her judging me. Of her running from me. Of her looking at me like the waste of a person that I've become. Like I'm a quitter. A coward. Or someone too selfish to think of anyone I would've left behind.
The truth is, I was scared. Too scared to deal. So scared to face everything I gave up for everything I felt forced into--Mindy, being a father, leaving Jersey in the dark.
Being alone.
But the thing is, you're never alone for long. Fear finds you. It found me.
And fear morphed death into some sick-twisted form of salvation. A way out. Even if it was the wrong way. Lucky for me, God just made it a detour.
We sit here in silence, but something about the calm leaves me unsteady.
I expect her to pull away, get up, and leave me for hiding all of this from her, but she doesn't move. She just cradles my head in her hands while tears trail down her face. Tears I hate myself for putting there in the first place.
"Elias, why didn't you--say anything to me? If I'd known I--I could've-- I would've dropped everything and come out here to see you if I'd known that--"
Her voice breaks into jagged little pieces and she shatters along with it. She's shaking in my hands, crying without making a sound, and the sight of it knocks the wind out of me. I have to fix this, but I can't.
I can't fix what I shouldn't have done.
"I wanted to tell you, Jersey. And honest to God, I tried to talk to you every single day, but nobody let me. Not my rehab center, not my family, not Dan. I didn't have a way to get to you. Not letters, not phone calls, nothing. And I'm sorry. I should've said something before today--I should've said something a long time ago but--I was scared that you'd look at me different. I was scared that you wouldn't understand--"
"Trust me, I understand more than you think, Elias."
"How, though? I wanted to die, Jersey. I got to a point where nothing else felt like it made sense except swallowing a handful of pills and tapping out of everything. What I tried to do to myself in rehab isn't something I'd ever want you to understand."
"But, I do--"
Jersey eases out of my arms and stares at me with an emptiness that feels way too familiar. An emptiness I thought I'd only ever see in myself. But it's alive in her eyes, and I wish it wasn't.
"--you don't have to believe me, but I know what it's like. Losing yourself. Holding life in your hands. Watching it slip through your fingers."
The second she stops speaking, the air around her shifts and she changes along with it. Shadows slip out of her lips and steal some part of her spark. But a few seconds is all it takes for that kind of darkness to settle in. I take her hands in mine and pull her to me, hoping to God that I can lift her out of the sinking place I see her falling into. But no matter how close she is and no matter how tight I hold her, I still feel her slipping.
She's been slipping since the day I got her back.
I want to know why.
I need to.
But I'm still not man enough to ask.
Because I'm not sure I'm ready to hear the answer. But then again, maybe there are some things you're never ready for, no matter how long you wait. Life doesn't care if you're prepared. A curveball wouldn't be a curveball if you could see it coming.
I suck in a breath, shake off my nerves, and open my mouth to try to start a conversation we've been dancing around for months. My tongue dries up like sandpaper before I can get a sound out, but I force myself speak. 'Cause if I don't, neither of us will.
"What happened to you? After I left."
The question hangs in the air for a couple seconds and Jersey stares up at the ceiling like it'll stop her from crying, but it doesn't. The hazel in her eyes catches the light through tears I know she wishes I couldn't see. But at least I'm seeing the real her, because lately it's been harder to find where her truth is behind all of the see-through smiles.
"I don't know. I was down for a while, I guess. I felt like I lost grip of a lot of things, but that's not anything out of the ordinary, right? I lost my virginity and my boyfriend in twenty-four hours, got mopey about it, and pretty much fulfilled every cliche about being seventeen and emotional. But honestly, it's not really worth talking about compared to everything you went through, you know?"
"How is depression not worth talking about, Jersey?"
"It wasn't depression. It was a rough patch."
There she goes. Lying again.
"Three months isn't just a rough patch, J."
"Look, it wasn't a big deal, okay? I'm fine now so--none of this matters anyway."
"Then what did you mean earlier--when you said that you understood how I felt?"
She shrugs her shoulders and tries to force a smile which deadpans on her lips.
"I don't know. I guess I just meant I could relate to you being sad."
"I was more than sad, Jersey. I was at the end of my rope."
She glances at me with nothing but quiet worry raging in her eyes.
"Because of rehab?"
"Because of you. I didn't have you, I wasn't allowed to talk to you, and I was stuck in what felt like the biggest mistake of my life with no way to fix it. I put myself in a situation with someone I--"
My throat tightens up to the point where talking feels a lot like choking so I stop. I stop before I can finish the whole story. Before I can finish the whole truth.
"Elias, let's just drop this, okay? What you and I did after Belmar and the people we got involved with don't matter anymore."
"It matters more than you think."
Jersey freezes up the second those words leave my mouth, but then snaps herself out of dealing with reality like she always does.
"Well, what if I don't want it to? What if I'm not ready to talk about whatever and whoever this is? I came here to be with you, Elias, and just you. Not your ghosts. Not your mistakes. We did that last summer and it nearly ruined everything."
The same hurt I saw tear her to pieces whenever I used to mention Lacey spreads across her face to the point where I can't stomach it. I immediately regret starting this conversation. Especially without thinking twice about how much it might take out of her. I see it now--the damage it'll do, the chaos it'll cause, but even so, I'm not ready to back off.
"But I didn't bring you here so I could keep pretending, Jersey. I brought you here so that I could be honest with you and God, so I don't have to keep carrying around everything I haven't told you anymore. This church is the only place where I feel like I can be better than I am."
She stiffens up and inches away from me just like I figured she would.
"But I'm fine with you as you are."
"Well, you shouldn't be. Not until I've told you everything," I say.
She shakes her head.
"Maybe I don't want to know everything, Elias. If you have to take me to a church to tell me whatever this secret is, then I don't know if I'm ready to hear it."
I take her by the hand and lace my fingers between hers before she moves even further away.
"I figured. That's why I brought a back up plan with me, so you know that I'll keep my word when it comes to telling you the truth, no matter how long it takes."
Jersey stares at me confused while I reach into my back pocket and pull out a tiny folded piece of newspaper.
I open my palm and peel back the layers of paper until she sees what's resting inside.
"I was gonna give this to you when we got to my mom's but I figured here was a better place, you know?"
She stares down at my hand for a good thirty seconds before finding it in herself to respond.
"Elias, is this? Wait, what is this--exactly?"
"A...promise bangle."
"A what?"
"You know it's kinda like a promise ring except Ryker thought it'd be too cliche if I went with the whole ring thing, so we made a bangle-bracelet thing for you out of salvaged metal parts. I have one too."
I place hers around her wrist and then pull out mine so she can see my artistic masterpiece. The only problem is that she isn't looking at it the way most people look at great works of art. Weird. Ryker said she'd be head over heels right about now.
"Oh. Oh wow. Is this a chastity thing or--"
"No, I mean, it can be if you want. But I wanted it to represent my promise to always tell you the truth no matter how--"
"Ugly."
"Yeah, I'll always--Hey. Wait. Did you just insult my gift to you? This is handmade art."
Jersey lifts her wrist up to the light to look at it and shoots me the kinda smile my teachers used to when I failed my tests in middle school. Great.
"Babe, after you giving me something like this, I'd feel bad lying to you about how it looks, but it's a beautiful idea. The execution is just--"
"Okay, fine, so the metal work isn't the best and some of the metal pieces look more rusty than they should. But still. I made it for you because I wanna be a better man for you, aight? It's the thought that counts. And, more importantly, what it means."
"Oh dear, there's more to it?"
"Uh, yeah, let me give you the artist's lowdown, um, artisanly speaking I was going for how even something, uh really broken and shattered, can be not anymore because they can be put together to be whole again into something newer and more beautiful than the last time which was the first--."
She leans in and tries to kiss away the frustration on my face.
And it works.
A little.
"Babe, first off, I'm sorry but I had to stop you before you hurt yourself."
"Thanks, it was kind of getting hard for me...t-to speak, I mean."
"Right. Secondly, I think you meant artistically. And, lastly, take this as a compliment, but I think you should stick to writing. Words may actually be your forte."
"Oh yeah, like for protection and strength in battle, you mean. I get it, Fort Elias, right? My words make you strong."
"What? No, forget it. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I like the way you think, and I'm on the same page. Eventually, I want us to get to the point where we don't have any secrets between us anymore. But as far as this afternoon goes--"
She stands up out of the pew and offers her hand to me.
"--I think we've had enough hard truths for one day, don't you think?"
She smiles at me and does her best to shake off the shadows still hovering over her shoulders, but all of them stay. As much as I wanna keep talking with her, and trying to understand her, I can't keep pushing. Not right now.
I said I'd give her a decent couple days here with my family. We'll deal with our demons when we get back to LA--like we always have.
"I con-contract--no--concubine--nah, that's not right. I--"
"Concur. It's concur, babe. Let's get to your mom's place and eat before you waste away as fast as your vocabulary," she says.
"Wow. Thanks. See, that's why I have you around. You're like Google Maps for words."
"And, you're the reason they invented auto-correct."
"Hey! Be nice." I tease.
"Just being honest."
"Brutally."
"Lovingly."
"Yeah, sure, I love you too."
I latch onto her and the two of us start making our way towards the door. A couple steps shy of the front, the old grey-eyed pastor I used to talk to whenever I used to visit this place, walks in and flashes me a Cracker Jack smile. His eyes dart over to Jersey, and then back to me, and the look on his face softens as soon as he puts two and two together.
"So this is her," he says.
My whole face turns red while Jersey looks back and forth between me and Pastor Michaels confused.
"I'm sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm--"
"Alex, correct?"
"Yeah. It's nice to meet you--"
"Pastor Michaels, but you can call me Paul. I've heard a lot of wonderful things about you, young lady, and said a lot of prayers for you too, no thanks to this fella of course."
Jersey nods and tries to cover up her shock behind a smile. Pastor Michaels pulls her into a hardy handshake and winks at me before he lets her go.
"That's really nice of you, sir. I'm not really sure what I believe in, but thank you for the prayers," Jersey says.
Pastor Michaels chuckles to himself.
"Well, whether or not you believe in God doesn't matter, 'cause He believes in you, as does a certain young fellow I know. Now, I hate to rush off but I've got a couple to counsel in my office but Eli, don't be a stranger. Come back and see us soon, young man, and bring the young lady if she's up to it."
The pastor pulls me into one of his famous hugs that I hadn't even realized I'd been missing.
"Will do, Pastor P. Will do."
Pastor Michaels salutes the both of us, shuffles off to his office with a little more pep in his step than he had when he walked in. Jersey shoots me a look that I do my best to ignore until Pastor Michaels is out of earshot.
"So, you prayed for me?" She asks.
I ease her towards the door and try not to look at the most likely smug smile on her face.
"I did. What about it? You gotta problem with prayers?"
"No, I'm just curious. What'd you pray for?"
We step out into the San Francisco sunlight which takes the tension out of the morning.
"That you'd forgive me. Even if you didn't wanna take me back, I just wanted you to know I was sorry for everything I did to you."
Jersey loops her arms around my waist, rests her head against my chest, and laughs into my t-shirt.
"I forgive you, Elias. I forgave you a long time ago. The only person I feel like I have left to forgive is--"
The taxi driver honks his horn at the both of us and starts screaming out the window. Jersey bolts off ahead of me and disappears into the back seat before she finishes what she needs to say.
Like she always does.
But we'll get there.
One unsteady step at a time.
***
(Thank you guys so much for reading! We hope you enjoyed reading/listening to the chapter & audiobook! Next update will be on Wednesday! kaelking12 and I are so excited to see so many of you guys back and supporting the book! Can't wait to see you Wednesday August 8th!)
QUESTION OF THE WEEKEND: EXTREMELY HARD WOULD YOU RATHER!
Would you rather...
a) Be honest about a deep dark secret you've been keeping from your significant other knowing that it would most likely break you both apart?
OR
b) Hide your secret and live with the fact that even though you're still together with the person, every day you're living is a lie?
Try answering that one in the comments! We're curious. For us it's A. What would you choose?
IN OTHER NEWS: BOOK RELEASE NEWS:
I was privileged enough to be a contributing author to Wattpad's new #WritersGuide book from Writer's Digest edited by BenSobieck! It releases AUGUST 7th and you can buy it in stores like Barnes and Noble & Waterstones and I'm super excited for you guys to read it!
I wrote Chapter 10 "Turbocharge Your Storytelling with Multimedia!" and you can find other incredible contributions from the other #WattpadStars in the Writers Guide that will help you figure out how to become a successful writer on Wattpad!
Who's grabbing a copy?!