Tom's footsteps made a shuffling noise against the ground. Huck turned and startled and got up quickly, wringing his hands.
"Tom." Even through this dark, they recognized each other. "Please don't go." He said. Tom's body flushed.
Tom glanced at him and away, an unsettled feeling coming to him. He started to turn.
"Tom, wait. Wait," Huck said, his voice going from a whisper to a shout, taking steps towards him. "I gotta talk to you." He said. Tom adjusted his bag, trying to hide it.
"I don't know, Huck... I..." Tom sighed, running a hand through his hair with his free hand. "I don't know." There were fireflies in the air, lighting up in that green, lightning sort of way, filling the air like rain, vibrating in their glows. Tom tried to focus on them and hide the fact from himself that his heart was beating fast.
"Really, Tom. I just gotta clear things up. It was real awful how things went." Huck said. Tom looked at him, then. Stared at him, trying to place how he felt. "I..." Huck took a step towards him, and Tom let him. "I shouldn't'a kissed you." Huck said. "That--" He wrung his hands, blinking slowly. "That was a mistake. I... Well, I guess I ain't got the best ways of expressing myself, do I?" Huck asked with a slight, tense smile.
"Guess not." Tom whispered. He let his hand drop from the bag. "Um..."
"Kiss meant nothin'. I... Well, I ain't been taught in affection, so I reckon that was just me trying to help... somehow." Huck said. His voice was staggered, unusual. Tom's stomach felt empty, aching. He wasn't sure if he liked it better this way, with the kiss meaning nothing. He pretended to himself that he did. It was just a kiss. "Tom, I wanna retry that night. It went bad."
"It was just a kiss... that's it?"
"Yes." Huck's voice was dry and rough in the air. Tom nodded.
"Alright, Huck. I... I don't really like the way it ended, either." Tom said. There was such a tension in the forest. A dark silence, waiting. The fireflies stilled in their movements, still flashing like their own storms.
"So can we start over? I really wanna help you, Tom. I still wanna be friends."
Tom felt the forest around them. The harshness of every second, hearing things that he wasn't sure was true. That he wasn't sure he wanted to be true.
"Please, Tom." Huck said. And his voice, smooth and pleading, brought Tom's eyes to his. And Tom breathed with the forest, feeling the darkness all around them, seeing the fireflies' glow in Huck's eyes.
"Okay, Huck. Alright." Tom said, and Huck smiled, head tilting back to the starry sky.
"Thank you, Tom." Huck said. There was a lightness, a release of tension, a relief, in his voice. Tom felt it too, barely. At least he had a friend again. "Can we just... forget all that happened? I wanna start over."
"...Okay, Huck." Tom said.
He wasn't sure why he was going through with thisâbesides the fact that it was Huck. It was Huck, who always helped him and supported him and who was always trying his best to be a friend. Huck, who made Tom's stomach turn and made his skin hot and made his head swirl-- of course he was going through with this.
"...So..." Tom started, running a hand through his hair. He took a few steps towards Huck, then sat against a tree, dropping his bag down beside him where Huck couldn't see. And he didn't know quite what to doâhow could they go from violent ends to a quiet restart?
It was cold out in the forest air. Tom felt as if he would never get this chill out of his skin. The chill of the night and of nervousness. Of strangenessâit felt so weird, just forgetting what happened between them. And he shouldn't be here. He should be with Becky, begging her to marry him, and he should be home, doing his homework or sleeping. Doing anything but being here, talking with Huck. He shouldn't be with Huck.
Huck went and leaned against the same tree. Tom couldn't look at him. No matter how many times his eyes pulled towards that view; no matter the feelings in his stomach; he wouldn't let himself. Tom sat quickly down onto the sharp leaves and poking twigs.
"She just won't marry me. She thinks I'm not ready."
"Are you?" Huck asked. At the question Tom looked at him, and a pit was made in his stomach. He couldn't avoid the feeling. He thought he could.
And then their eyes met. There was silence and nothing else as they looked to each other, prolonging the moment. And each breath of Huck's left an imprint on Tom, and he had to force himself to look up at the sky or down at the ground or anywhere else.
The air thickened. It was dark and kept on darkening.
"I," Tom said, then cleared his throat of its shakiness, "yeah."
"Why do you need to marry her right now?" Huck asked. "Sounds like she don't think you should." Huck asked. Huck didn't like him. So why would he be asking these weird questionsâbut then again, this was Huck, and Tom could never see through him.
"Huck, Iâ"
Huckleberry leaned in suddenly. Looked deeply at Tom, and then Tom's breaths left his body. He felt the silence around them so deeply. He felt the ache in his chest so plainly. "Why her?" Huck asked.
Because everyone expects it.
Tom didn't understandâdid he know? Why would he be asking this?
"Why now?" Because Tom couldn't take this struggle any longer.
He must know Tom liked him.
Tom stared into his eyes and felt a swell of dizziness with the sight. Tom couldn't look away. He felt Huck's breaths on his face, so close, so soft as it swirled between them. He felt the heat of his knees against his, and of their bodies so close. Tom wanted to kiss him.
Tom took in a sharp breath. He already knew how that would end up, and this time they wouldn't be able to patch it back together. Tom shrugged, unable to speak. Huck pulled away.
"She'll marry you if you sound sure enough." Huck said, giving him a prolonged look before turning, staring into the dark of the forest. Tom felt as if he would break. There was an emptiness in him. A fog, a feeling, that wrapped around him, and despite Huck being right there, Tom felt so far away. But he kept a composure in his face. Tom knew he was doing the right thing, staying away. Making Huck think he wasn't interested. But Tom's body leaned in to take more of that shared warmth between them. Tom reveled in this short moment as much as he could.
"Do I seem sure?" Tom asked. Huck's eyebrows furrowed and he wrung his hands together.
"Are you?" Huck asked.
And they were leaning in to each other. Tom was looking at Huck's mouth... His eyes... They were so close. Everything would've been different if Tom just...
"I reckon I amâI, uh, just wanted to know if you thought so, too." Tom said. He closed his eyes for a moment and ran a hand through his hair. Huck was so close. If Tom just leaned in... Everything would've changed.
"Alright." Huck said. And Tom opened his eyes, and Huck was leaning away again. The moment was over. Tom wished it wasn't.
They stopped talking, and stayed sitting. Huck watched him, seeing each flicker of his eyes to meet his. Tom wanted to stay longer. To change everything. But he knew he couldn'tâif he kissed Huck, then he might not be able to marry Becky. But... If he kissed Huck, he would know if it was actually just a kiss. If he could be happier than he would be with Becky.
Tom forgot all about not looking at Huck. He couldn't stop looking at him, if this would be it. If he was going to convince Becky to marry him, then he wouldn't be able to feel this way. It was wrong, even now, but... But right now, there was still a chance to change how things would end up. Tom could savor this final moment before a decision was made; before his life ended and restarted. Tom looked at Huck with a longing.
"I really hope you two're happy." Huck said quietly, watching him. Tom nodded. The air, with all its silence and calm, had gained something thick. A tension as their breaths swirled together.
"Me too." Tom said.
And now, he was trapped in this town. Huck kept him hereâif they hadn't talked, Tom could've left town.
And since it was just a kiss... Since Huck didn't love him back, then there was no alternative to marrying Becky. He couldn't just run.
Huck got up.
That was it. It was passing so fast. The ache in Tom's heart stayed. He couldn't get rid of it, and he knew he never would, but... Marrying would be better for everyone. He wouldn't hurt Becky or Aunt Polly by breaking their hearts and being a disgrace. If Tom stayed, he wouldn't break their hearts, and he would still have a best friend.
Huck took a step backwards. Each time he did, Tom could only watch. With each step, Tom felt the absence of everything in his heart. He couldn't leave.
Tom felt like crying. He felt like closing his eyes and just falling back to the beginning. To when everything was simple and he was in love with the girl he was supposed to, and he wasn't in love with his best friend.
"I got homework to do. ...Thanks for being my friend again." Huck said, rubbing his hands together, turning away. Tom's life as he knew it was over. He wished he could hear something in Huck's voice, but all he could hear was the same rich tone as always. Tom could hardly decipher anything Huck did, and so he would never know.
Tom got up quickly, taking steps after him. His head swirled with the quick motion.
"Wait, Huck." Tom's voice was a quick expel of a breath. Huck took another step and Tom quickly took his hand.
Huck looked back to him one last time, as they were. Tom could feel the end to it, despite being so close to everything; despite holding his hand. He couldn't say anything that matteredâhe had made too much damage. He couldn't face changing his future so drastically. His heart turned and turned with his stomach and his breaths. "I..." Tom closed his eyes. He ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't stop this. He couldn't change it. "Thank you for everything." Tom said quietly, defeatedly. He let go, and their hands fell back. A sting was in his eyes and a sigh was stuck in his breath and he could hardly breathe, but there Huck was, supporting him in the distant way he could.
"...I'll always be here for you, Tom." Huck said. And that's why Tom couldn't run. The words ached as Tom heard them. They were friends again, and nothing more. There wasn't an impossible choice to run from, anymore-- he would have been running from his whole life, now, and so he couldn't go.
The sun had set. Tom felt so cold in the falling dark. "See you at school." Huck said. And he left, and all Tom had now was the past.
Tom walked home, eventually. After moments and minutes of standing, staring, wishing-- wishing that he didn't ruin everything every time he spoke. That he could just do something right. Once. Wishing that he had left before he knew the truth, that Huck didn't love him back.
The more steps he took, the angrier he got. The sadder he got. Why did he keep on doing this? Why couldn't he just say what he felt? Tom walked and sucked in breaths and blew them out as heat. His feet pushed against the sinking ground as he walked home. He felt a dark, sad pity in the edges of his stomach. This was all always his fault and he knew it.
He arrived home. Pulled open the big creaking door and walked upstairs. Aunt Polly said 'hi' but Tom couldn't say anything back with everything that was compounded in him. He had opened his mouth and whispered a response, but his voice didn't follow and he knew he couldn't even repeat the effort without something else coming out through his breath.