Sometimes, it felt as if Tom should be gone.
Like he should be travelling the world, away from all of this. Maybe with Huck, but... Maybe notâit would be too complicated.
Or like he should be sleeping. Just... resting in a sort of coma, where he wouldn't be tense and he wouldn't be thinking and he wouldn't have to do anything. A liminal place, a limbo, where he would be free.
He wanted peace. If Tom was alone, running, he could have peace. He could finally let go of all of this stress of being good enough for Becky and keeping his distance from Huck, and everything that dragged him down. He just wanted to run and be gone, out of this town he had been stuck in his whole life.
And other times, Tom was just sick of it. He shouldn't feel like this. He should just marry Becky and then his feelings would most definitely stop and then he would just be happy in those little ways he could be. He would find things to keep him happy. He wasn't sure if the love, the attraction would ever be real, but... He had to try something to stop this hurt. He needed to get over this.
Tom walked towards school in this dawn air, earlier than people were even awake. He didn't have a schoolbagâhe wasn't caught up in anything, so it didn't matter much. In this sleeping light of the morning air and the streetlamps, he walked. His footsteps were calm and even and soft against the roads of town. And the lingering night breezes pushed like breaths against him, pulling him towards the schoolyard.
But he couldn't go.
If he walked to the woods instead, no one would notice. No one noticed last time except Huck. So eventually, between the light of two lamps where there was dark, he turned. His footsteps were uneven and dragging, and he walked quicker and quicker still, towards the forest. Until he was running.
And when he was running, he could remember that night with Huck.
The night that could've changed everything, and the moments that made his heart ache.
His breaths were harsh and quick, and his heart beat brokenly and deeply. He reached the tree line and continued, letting the scene play out until in his mind they were knee-to-knee, leaning in. And if only something had gone differently... If only Tom didn't like Huck. If only Huck liked him back. Tom wouldn't be stuck here, inâ
Tom's breath caught. It caught and the air tugged against him and the wind curled around him like he should still be moving with it, being pulled along. His stomach had a sudden numbness and darkness and depth. His legs were burning and his breaths were harsh and sharp, and he could hardly take in air. Huck was here.