Chapter 33

Envenheim 181

I left the great hall feeling angry, but soon, that anger melted into a familiar melancholy. My hands were shaking both from anger and from having so many social interactions in one day. Before I got captured eight years ago, I never felt so nervous in such situations, and I never felt exhausted afterward, but I did now. I sighed and tried to steady my hands. That moth boy they abused could have easily been me. The poor thing… I should have rescued him. I loathed myself for letting him suffer.

As I walked through the halls of the castle—unsure what to do with myself—I felt that familiar feeling of loneliness that festered within me. I was sick of humans and their airs. I missed moths. I missed Daddy’s court, my siblings, and my old friends. I missed my old life in general. I leaned against a wall in the hallway and realized I couldn’t let my emotions run my life anymore. I shouldn’t have stormed out. I needed to be smarter to play Paris correctly and get what I wanted.

He didn’t see moths as intelligent creatures to be respected—apart from me—and I couldn’t sway him from that point of view just by telling him he was wrong. I needed to be subtle about changing his mind. I needed to make him and every human around him believe that I was one of them—and that meant distancing myself from my people and my culture.

I had to come up with exactly what to say to Paris later in the day. I thought it all through thoroughly, and I thought to myself that I had come up with something decent.

My heart was beating very quickly from the thought of following through with it, however. The long-term plan required me to be irresistibly desirable, and I didn’t know how to be like that. I was so clumsy and stupid… I couldn’t even sew, cook, or clean like a proper lady until recently, and it was only thanks to Terry.

I twisted Caerwyn’s sapphire star in my hand and I realized I had to stop simmering in sadness. Prayer always helped me sort things out. It always made me happy to pray to the understanding human god.

As I headed to the chapel, I walked past the kitchen and saw my sister cooking dinner for the slaves with Morgan assisting her. A guard was holding his chain.

Gerta giggled at something Morgan said and then he kissed her cheek before the guard yanked his chain—moths weren’t allowed to display affection in front of humans.

Terror gripped my heart as I looked on in horror.

I entered the kitchen and said to the guard, “can you take him elsewhere? I wish to speak with this slave.”

The guard nodded and left, recognizing my station.

I turned to my sister in concern. She was crossing her arms and making a face.

“I have starving moths to cook for.” Gerta said in annoyance. “What do you want?”

“Morgan is dangerous! He is a wild mothman!” I told her worriedly. “Tell me you aren’t planning on letting him court you…”

“What proof have you that he is a wild mothman? And even if he is, why should I care? We all lost who we were when that thunderbolt struck.” Gerta said while she returned to cutting up a carrot on a cutting board. “He treats me well and he is good company. I see no signs that he is one of the wild mothmen.”

I grabbed her shoulders worriedly. “He is dangerous! He worships foul moth gods and…”

Gerta’s face twisted into one of disgust and she pushed me away. “You’re becoming one of them! You truly do prefer their god to ours as I suspected! You forsake your own people and culture and keep yourself safe and sound from the plight of them while you sleep with foreign kings! You disgust me!”

I reached out to touch her but she stepped away. “Don’t touch me! You stink of forbidden meat and rich, human perfumes! You are not one of us! Even if Morgan worships the wicked god of lust, it is preferable to the false human god! Leave me!”

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I looked back at her with unshed tears and then I turned away silently and continued on to the chapel.

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Nobody was there at this time of day and I prayed alone in silence. “Please help me be strong; help me be able to take the abuse from both humans and moths. Please make my hands stop shaking and my heart stop pounding. Please…”

Sunlight reflected off of Caerwyn’s sapphire and I said tearfully. “Let me be as strong in my convictions as Caerwyn. Let me be strong enough for the future.”

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I found Terry after I finished praying—the one person I could consider a true and loyal friend. I craved his company because he accepted me without judgement. He was stationed alone in the slave quarters today.

He noticed my trembling hands and he asked, “are you alright, Mimi?”

I shook my head. “I just can’t calm down…”

Terry held my hands up to his face and asked me with concern, “shall I fetch the physician?”

I shook my head. “It’s just nerves… Terry, can I tell you something? I have to tell someone.”

Terry nodded with a frown and said, “as a matter of fact, I have something to tell you as well. You go first.”

“Promise you won’t tell?” I asked him. “Promise you won’t hate me?”

“I could never hate you, Mimi! You helped make me into a perfect gentleman!” He said cheerfully.

I looked both ways and said in a hushed voice, “you must never repeat this; I have a plan I must put into action, Terry. You remember how I made you spread all that gossip? I told you it was simply for my own safety—so that moths would not attack me and I could leave the castle safely. But the truth is, I wish to gain their favor because I plan to free them eventually with Paris’ help. Humans and moths have to love me alike if I am to succeed.” I explained with my heart thumping nervously.

Terry was silent for a moment and then replied, “I had a feeling that was what you wanted… Mimi, Caerwyn always told me that he thought it was reprehensible and against our religious teachings to own moth slaves. I want to help you in any way I can.”

I grinned with happiness and tears in my eyes as I embraced him. “Thank you, Terry!”

He patted my back and then held me at arm’s length. “My turn… Mimi… I don’t know whether I want to be a templar or not anymore. I don’t think I’ll end up taking my final vows.”

“What? Why not?” I asked him. Ever since I had met Terry and Caerwyn, I thought being a templar was the highest and most honorable form of living, albeit a rigid one. To live your life entirely in the service of others and God was so noble—and there was nothing more peaceful than a life of repentance.

“I…” He said nervously. “I’m in love with someone. I can’t love her if I’m a templar.”

“Who…?” I asked.

Terry looked down. “Promise you won’t judge?”

I took a moment to think about who it could be before I clapped my hands to my mouth in disgust. “The duchess?”

Terry was surprised. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised from that interaction you saw earlier… I really like her.”

I lectured him like I would have done my little brother when he did something naughty. “You told me yourself that she was married! And this woman is no good; she abuses my people and she is abusing you, too! She’ll never leave her husband for you! All you’ll ever be is her lover!”

I saw blackness seep into his eyes as he suddenly pushed me as roughly as he could against the door of one of the moth quarters. My back stung and one of my arms was bruised. I pressed my hands against the door—shrinking away from him fearfully.

“I suppose you’ll leave me now like mother did? You think me a violent beast like everyone else does, don’t you! You think me overrun with red blood to the point where I will hurt any woman I touch—and so you want me to be kept from them forever!” He was panting with rage as I pressed myself further against and turned my face away from him fearfully.

I shook as I looked into his terrifying black eyes.

Terry was my best friend and the only person I could confide in. To me, he was family.

I would lay down my life for him.

I reached out slowly with my four arms and ran my hands down the sides of his face. He flinched. “You’re okay… I’ll always love you…”

Terry’s face went blank for a moment and he slouched over and let me soothe him for a moment. His eyes closed and it seemed like he had fallen asleep for a moment. Eventually, he opened his eyes and they returned to their normal blue color.

“What happened? Good God, did I hurt you?” Terry examined me frantically.

I shook my head. “I… I’m sorry about what I said. It’s your life… I just—I’m worried about you. You can do what you want, though.”

Terry grabbed my trembling hand and said with tears in his blue eyes, “I hurt you, didn’t I? God, I prayed and prayed that I would never hurt anyone ever again. I even let the priests bleed me often to keep the violent thoughts away and it still didn’t work! Please forgive me. Please don’t hate me. I’ve just been stressed—my father plans to visit soon and he wants me to take my final vows. But I love Julia so much!”

So, Julia was that cruel witch’s name… I needed to have a talk with her.

I gulped nervously and replied, “I’m fine, Terry. It’s just a bruise. I told you I loved you and I meant it. I… I think I love you more than my own sister.”

He embraced me and wept in my ear and apologized over and over again.

I returned his embrace and looked over his shoulder. My hands wouldn’t stop trembling.

His black eyes reminded me so much of Morgan’s fur. I decided I needed to speak with that creature alone again soon as well as that witch, Julia.