CHAPTER SEVEN
SEEKING SORROW
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"Damn it!"
A prime stellar state to refine herself. It was meant to be better. However, straining to just be fine was never going to be enough for Freya. It just wasn't sufficient to alleviate that empty and lonely space that ached her heart and guiltily fill her mind. The best. She just has to be standing at the top, peering below and beneath, feeling enthralled and alive as she reminded herself there were no space, no room, and no chances of creating a mistake in her life. Unfortunately for her, that was how her life had started out. To be born as a mistake.
Learning the hard way, she realized that there was no undo or reset system to be flicked when something bad had happened her way. There were countless of moments where all she wanted to do was flip a switch and start all over again. All she has to do was live with them, using it as a painful reminder that practice did make perfect. And she just has to reach that level of perfection.
Slamming her hands down, Freya cursed out in frustration as she glared at the wall in front of her. Precision meant everything. The satisfaction she got from it calmed her. Steel embedded into wood. Lines and circles determined her aim. Practicing her throw was all she could think of doing to calm her spiking nerves. She couldn't believe that she was getting riled up over an inmate object, gritting her teeth as she cracked her knuckles. The throwing knife didn't land so perfectly in the center. An inch or two out of place. Far on the right side and missing the red dot perfectly drawn on the wooden board.
That was far from a perfect throw.
"Damn it..." She whispered for the last time, tilting her head up and staring at the ceiling. Fluttering her eyes close, she inhaled a deep breath.
The training room floor seemed to be the only place high in the castle to be unoccupied at this time of night. Granted that she was awake at an impeccable hour, she was glad that no one was in their right mind to even enter the barracks. Rows of perfectly smith throwing knives were aligned on the table in front of her. Seven now lay on the ground. Three embedded on the circular target. And five remaining on the table.
Picking up one with her right hand, she threw the knife in the air, flipping the handle once, twice, until she was familiar with the small grip that she had on it. She raised it over her shoulder, slightly leaning back on the heel of her foot as she prepared to throw. With her eyes still closed, she inhaled a sharp breath. At the last second, she swiveled on her heel and quickly released the knife as it shot through the air, piercing the atmosphere, and landing with a thud as the blade dug deep into the cement wall, a crack surfacing around it.
"You missed."
She opened her eyes. Blue meeting Grey that watched with an unamused stare. The blade was an inch away from his face, landing right beside his head as he leaned against the wall with crossed arms. The smirk that she had wanted to give wasn't there as her lips fell into a straight line. "I won't make the same mistake next time."
So there's a next time? Levi thought in his head, tempted to even speak them out loud but didn't as he remembered those exacts words coming out her mouth, irritating him with her reckless and unbothered behavior on most things. A calm and cool obstruction was built all over him. A passive and blank face taking over his features as the same couldn't be said about Freya.
She didn't speak at first, didn't question why he would be in the same room as her, curious as what had him leaving for a week, or why he even entered to just watch. They blinked at each other, the silence itching at Freya's skin and how he seemed to be revering the white noise that they found themselves consumed in. His grey eyes peered at the knife, gaze switching to the side and no matter how bad Freya wanted to, she couldn't think of a single idea that the man in front of her thought of. Fortunately for her, he broke the silence.
"What do you think you're doing?" He always seemed to find himself wondering what her intentions were. She was unpredictable. Chaotic, if he thought so. Quick-witted. But overall, that fluctuating personality of hers attracted danger. When she stormed out of the room, he just had to follow, had to find out, had to know why that careless persona was switched with an imposing point.
"Sleeping. Can't you see? Or you don't know what sleep is?" She mocked in heavy and unnecessary sarcasm as she went to pick up another throwing knife.
"No."
"Whaâ" The handle slipped from her fingers as it clattered on the ground. She paused to glance past her shoulder and look at him. "Do you not know what sleep is?"
Starting to think that talking to her was pointless, Levi didn't answer when he noticed that uncomfortable look she was giving him. She caught onto the unamused face he had, nodding in unconcealed amusement as she didn't question further. She would just have to wait another time to bring it up. "You should try it sometime." Freya said lightly.
"You're not used to hearing apologies, are you?" He observed, directing the topic elsewhere.
"Is that why you always look so tired? Lack of slâ?"
"Don't try to avoid the question. Answer." He cut her off before she could finish. Voice low and sharp that had her raise eyebrows, surprised at the tone as her stomach suddenly felt funny. She pursed her lips together before doing as he said.
"They're unbelievable." Three. She counted three knives laying on the table. She picked one up, nimbly poking the sharp tip with her left ring finger. The pressure wasn't enough to draw a dot of blood. Hauling her right hand back where she held the knife, she held her breath before releasing to throw.
"A bleak sorry, and they think that it'll be okay." Two. Two knives remain. She squinted at the target, realizing that the throw was worse than the previous one. It landed three inches away from where she intended it to be. She suppressed a frustrated groan from erupting.
"If only it worked for everybody."
"A simple no would've sufficed." Levi wanted to comment on her fallible aim. But didn't.
She sighed. "I just don't like them."
"The apologies or the people?"
"Can't it be both?" She shrugged. She continued as she took the second knife in her hand. "There. I answered. Now leave."
"You think you can be the one ordering around?"
"Right. My bad, Captain." She clicked her tongue, finding his position and title ridiculous before continuing. "All he did was pick up a spoon." The steel bladed glinted as she raised it in the dim light, closing one eye and examining it's blunt edges.
"And?"
"And they go raising their weapons."
"So did you."
"He's just a kid." She said.
That statement struck to him odd. "Surprised you even care."
"I'm not protecting him just because of that." She clarified. When she caught the unaware face he had, she smirked. "You don't know." Humming, she threw the second knife. It landed close to the red dot. Yet, still she was unsatisfied. "I guess that Commander of yours doesn't tell you everything."
One.
"I trust him." He said, narrowing his eyes.
"Do you trust me?" Freya pondered aloud. She released a laugh. "Who am I kidding? Of course not, it's why you're here."
She suddenly felt her chest tighten. Freya learned many things within her short stay in headquarters. Cadets were often chatty, making up for the lack of thrill and mission which they were thankfully for with shared information and rumors. Whilst ignoring the many ways for Freya to suddenly disappear from the mouths of unwelcoming soldiers, she did hear interesting things about their superiors. Other than the confidential and formal connection that Levi and Erwin shared, Freya wanted to figure out the complicated and supposedly desolate story about upbringing of title Humanity's Strongest Soldier.
Trust. She wasn't entirely sure if she even got those. A heavy weight to fall on her. The pressure to carry devoir.
"Be honest with me. Do you think I'm gonna make it?" Her simple and stark question formed a crease between Levi's eyebrows. His face was blank. Mouth still shut. And thoughts running. Though an expressionless look was featured on his face, Freya couldn't help but think that his silence told she was derisive for even asking. She clawed at the quietness and rolled her eyes, knowing the many and dangerous risks of being a Scout and the fate that most cadets end up in. She just wanted to hear it from the man leading her to it. "I'm not at idiot."
"You sure act like it." He deadpanned.
She chuckled lightly, shoulders rising and falling in amusement as that was the most she was getting as an answer. She didn't complain.
She snapped her head to the side where the window banged open against the wall. For a long moment, she gazed at the view of the outside, listening to wind billow in, a howling rage that blew loose strands of her hair messily, and peer at the endless horizon that blanketed the night sky. There were no stars making an appearance unfortunately. She warily blinked. Once. Twice. Before she forced herself to look away to find Levi staring at her. Her cheeks felt hot as she narrowed his eyes him and his cognizant face. "What?"
"You're afraid."
She straightened her back, eyebrows furrowing into an angry look. "What did you say?"
"You're afraid." He repeated, unfazed by her reaction.
Her eye twitched. Despite what he stated a few minutes ago, she replied. "Go to sleep."
"You're afraid ofâ"
"Shut it."
"You're afraid of heights."
"Well, you barely have any, so you can't say anything about it."
He glowered at her, lips frowning as Freya sneered back at him.
Levi shook his head as he stifled an eye roll. "If you can't handle it then you can leave."
"I can't."
"You want to."
"I don't." She snapped, ignoring his persistent tone. Her aggressive response confirmed his suspicion the moment he assessed her during their first odm gear training. He wasn't entirely sure of it at first. A hunch that he usually didn't follow but was satisfied he did. He was hesitant to believe it, to realize that someone had joined his squad of sailing in the air and only to find out that being a few meters away from the ground was daunting. He didn't like the idea of accidents happening as he shot her a stern look.
"You're afraid of heights, barely able to function with a real Titan, what makes you think I'm letting you fight in odm gear and risk our squad from any casualties. You kidsâ"
"Woah, woah, woah. Hold on. I'm not a kid." Was the only thing Freya could get from that inferring sentence. As a matter of fact, while Levi may have been older than Freya, their age gap was quite close. Despite her youthful features, Freya was just in her late twenties, Levi in his early thirties. Neither had the need to mention their age just to understand that they were both adults. Except for the latter who secretly viewed Freya as a child than most. Where her priorities lay was quite concerning for him. And her making a bug fuss of him calling her a kid was proving his point.
Levi squinted. "My mistake. You're not a kid. You're a pain in the asâ"
Before he could finish, Freya shrugged. "Takes one to know one."
"Real mature." He scoffed. His irritation only grew further when she chuckled dismissively, shaking her head.
Glancing down to her hands, she began to twist her silver rings from her left hand. Metal burned her skin, and marked a faint red on her left pinky. This was Levi's first time to witness her get lost in her habit, fingers constantly fidgeting and intertwining themselves into each other. He noticed her bare left ring finger. The rest glinting in polished but simple accessories. She stopped and folded her hands behind her back, clenching them tight.
"Do you know the one thing waiting for me the second I quit?" She asked, his interest and curiosity rising. There was a deep and underlying hint of fear rooting in her words. She tried to hide it. Tried to forget that fear didn't even exist. But it lived in her. Acted as a hauntingly detrimental marker that told she wasn't as brave as she made herself out to be. She could taste the bitter taste of her upcoming words, bile wanting to flood her mouth, and the imprint of death overriding her thoughts. She swallowed.
"The city where the sun never shines."
A shiver ran across his spine, heart suddenly feeling heavy with unknown emotions running in him and thrashing painful memories that he concealed in the back of his mind. Levi was relieved to know that her gaze was set somewhere else other than him, her back facing him as his body stiffened at her solemn words. He clenched his jaw from the mention of that revolting place. His skin crawled just by the remembrance of it. The filth, stench, people. For it to be coming from her mouth just reared it to be worse. He didn't know why, but his heart tightened, making it painful to breathe.
"It's a suitable punishment for your crimes." He said darkly, looking away from her figure and glaring at the wall past her head. He focused on letting out steady inhales and exhales.
"Oh, please. Don't tell me you don't have any. We all have something to hide." She rolled her eyes, tired and annoyed that she was still viewed illicit as she let out a humorless laugh. Her grin faded. "It's simple really. He dies, I die."
Simple. Though not easy. She supposed, the unknown scared her. Having no clue of what a Titan really looked like, Eren's incomplete transformation was just enough to rattle her to the very core. She mentally chuckled at herself for being terrified of an enormous arm and half a chest. It showed just how much she was fooling herself into agreeing to join the scouts. She wasn't like them. It took them years. Hardship training. And the will to save humanity to drive them into a war between terrors. All that it took for her to apply was to avoid the soul crushing reality of having to go back.
"I'm not going to make it, am I?" She spoke, shoulders sagging as she sighed loudly in the quiet room.
"Midnight.
"What?" The moment she turned around to face him with her eyebrows furrowed and mouth tilted down, a knife came whizzing past her head. The shell of left her ear suddenly stung. A sharp cut incised the skin. Her hand immediately shot up to touch the small cut, and when she looked down on her fingertips, a small amount of crimson blood stained the tip. She whipped her head behind her to look at the circular target. Her eyes widened in the slightest, mouth agape in shock to find that the knife had perfectly landed on the red dot, mistakes in her aim surrounding the absolute toss in travesty. She clenched her fists tightly, anger bubbling in the pit of her stomach as she turned around. There was a small hole on the wall where the knife used to be as she glared at the man. Freya swore she saw a smug smirk forming when he turned around to leave.
"We train. You and me."
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Freya
I'm sorry.
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â AUTHOR NOTE â
a slightly short chapter but i wanted to post an update as soon as possible