x. NO REGRETS

CHAPTER TEN

NO REGRETS

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"Who would've thought."

A whisper in the night that had turned imposingly dark. Shadows from trees and towers. Clouds looming above screening the stars that refused to show, blindingly glint, and accompany the moon. It was dark. No longer perceptible and dismaying as she reaped liable to it. There was a vague sense of solace that she wold always find from being surrounded by the deep depth haziness. To find a degree of comfort in the darkness as she was nothing but to be alone.

The feather in her palm was light. Almost nonexistent and airy. Her fingertips gently roamed the soft material, tickling her skin. She admired it in what little luminescence. For a bird to lose its feather and sway in the air only for it to land on her shoulder, she could clearly see the white and pure color of it all. She twirled it between her thumb and pointer finger, nimbly trying to entertain herself for the night, ignore the loud pumping of her heart, and wait for the long and endless night to lapse.

Standing on the edge on one of the castle tower rooftop, her body swayed from side to side, moving with the drifting wind, tilting her balance from one end to the other, waiting. She lingered on her feet, head tilted back as she exhaled heavily at the feeling of the rigid air blow coldly at her exposed neck and throat, hair whipping and free from the restraints of a black ribbon that was now tied around her left wrist. Eventually, she let go. The white feather joined the wind, flowing in various directions that she couldn't tell with her eyelids fluttered closed.

"You're going to fall standing there."

Vigilant and observant. His straightforwardness never ceased to surprise or amuse her. Tone deep but soft that she wasn't startled. She already knew. It may have been a hunch, or an insinuation where she just realised that she wasn't as alone as before. An allusion of steel rises pinned on her. Not once did she hear the sound of the door creaking as it opened. Or the heavy footsteps of boots clicking on the floor. Or the still breathing as white smoke puffed out from lips. She just knew better. That at moments like these, she was never truly going to be alone.

"Yeah," Opening her eyes, she didn't glance behind her shoulder, gaze set on the clouds in as she waited. Slow noxious movements were carried out in front of her. Atmospheric pressure shifting droplets of water. It was slow. Snail pace painful. Yet, she followed through. She could only look up. Anything below and past her feet was a fearsome dread calling upon her. The terror of endless summits rattling her deep within, but her mind was set elsewhere to even think about the chances of falling "No kidding."

Inhaling softly, chest puffing, she swivelled on her feet, heels dangling on the ledge as she faced him. She grew accustomed to his nonchalant looks. Blank and dull stare but tantalising tint of his eyes. Furrow of his brows and the small sign of confusion from the crease on his forehead that he thought he concealed. She tilted her head to the side. Blue met Grey. A coy smile made it way upon her face.

"What if I..." Leaning all her weight on one foot, she raised the other, proving that he balance was on point, but grievous at what she wanted to sustain. Well aware of the tremendous height that lay behind her, the distance between her and the soil ground, she switched her footings. "Or..." Now leaning her weight on her right leg, left an inch away from the surface. She was pushing her luck.

He took a cautious step forward. "I'm serious here."

"You're always serious." Teeth showing, lips curled, she was grinning from ear to ear. She was aware of her nerves wanting to dig deep into the stone floor, to stay put, to find a sense of stability. But the man in front of her caught all her attention. "What are you going to do? Catch me? Or maybe..." She paused. Another step forward from him. Her gaze had fallen, lips pulled into a straight line as she was pulled int her thoughts. Seconds passed. Time ticking into a lulling beep. She raised her eyes to meet his. "Why not fall together?"

Her jesting behaviour was nothing but trouble. Teasing manner and smirks. Unseemly for her to be a soldier. Self-reliant. Stubborn. Frivolous actions that caused mischief. A misstep. She hated herself for it. Her initial fear for heights taking place as her blue eyes widened out of fear, body tilting back that she couldn't recover. Her hands reached out for the air. A hard grip encircled her wrist. And she was pulled forward, finding back her balance as she released a breathy chuckle. White puffs of air evaporated past her lips.

Levi's passive face met her shocked one. His hand continued to hold on her wrist, refusing to let go as he spoke. "I told you."

Freya grinned. "I know."

A moment of quietness. Levi noticed it. Her lack of caustic quips. Not tonight at the very least. A rare time for Freya to be muted. He caught notice of it the first night he spoke to her, wondering would she make it. The what ifs. The shadowing torments. He knew the only time for Freya to be this quiet was if something was plunging deep in her mind. He released her wrist, clearing his throat. "I hope you haven't forgotten why you're here."

She didn't bother questioning him why he was even here with her as Freya jumped down from the ledge, standing right in front of him. Hands closed in to a fist, her left hand went behind her back, her right coming to rest where her beating heart resided as she faced him in a form of a ridiculing salute. The curve of her lips told that she wasn't as serious as he thought. "I know."

His brows furrowed when his gaze landed on her right fist. Her fingers were facing the ground indicating that it was the wrong direction. A memory ticked in Levi's head. It was there, sitting in the back of his mind, but he couldn't quite put a finger on it. Freya's smile didn't falter. She seemed proud, satisfied that it was no longer a flicker of her finger from the right of her eye. He didn't mention how inaccurate her scout salute went as he silently found it amusing. Looking down at what she wore, he noticed that she was out of her own uniform, dressed in a more laid back and comfortable apparel.

Freya still had her rings. Silver accessories adorning her left hand, excluding her ring finger. There didn't seem to be a moment where he saw her leave bare from the thin jewellery. The sleeves of her white shirt was folded up to her elbows, the top buttons undone and exposing her collarbone, tucked in brown trousers, and a pair of dark boots reached her knees. What caught his eye was the soft blue vest hanging loosely on her slim frame, swallowing her whole as if it didn't belong to her. He strained his mind again to remember.

"You need to stop that." A heavy sigh weaved from her chest, snapping him from his trance of observation as he lightly shook his head.

"What?" Levi raised his eyes to her annoyed ones.

"When you look at me like that. I don't like it." She told him truthfully, shrugging her shoulders. She was aware of his stares in every room that they seemed to find themselves stuck in. An atmosphere of unspoken persecution looming above their heads with every glance they shared. Blank, sinister, or inflamed. She first noticed it from the moment her eyes had earned the malicious stare of his grey gaze in the tribunal trial. A proximately a month ago. It seemed so long. Yet, her contact with him seemed so short. Brief. Not a whole time for her to truly figure out the man in front of her. She was dissatisfied about it. But not surprised.

She was flustered at times. Driven red with constant rage of annoyance. And dwindling fear of something uncertain. She was quick to learn, but not so much be greeted with welcomed arms of acceptance. Angry glares here and there, intimidating stares, and humorous laughter were what she was used to receiving. It's all Freya had ever known, ever gotten used to. Because it was all she ever accepted. Levi was straightforward with most things. Orders. Command. And statement. Yet, something behind that stern and hostile facade of his intrigued Freya. The glares. The scoffs. She wasn't as blind as she thought herself to be. Moments where he looked at her, she would feel a mix of garnering sympathy, turning guilt, and something more that she couldn't understand.

"And what's that look?" He asked. That gleam in her eyes was slowly burning out.

She turned her head away. "Like you've seen a ghost."

It was an unanticipated chill going down her spine. Cold but endearing as she felt his thumb and pointer finger grab onto her chin, turning her face to stare back into his dull eyes, tilting her head down. She enjoyed height differentiating between them. Not particularly tall to tower over the man, but overcome him. He didn't seem to be bothered by this. It was riveting to know that his truculent intimidation was preventing her to do so. Torn pages of books filled her senses. Fresh soap. With the hint of damp rain and the woods. His voice came out raspy and low. "Not at all."

The sudden shift in his self-esteem enthralled Freya. She smirked, sly and coy, leaning in even further, venturing moreover to see how far out he would be willing to go and play along. She lowered her voice to a small whisper. "Yeah?"

Levi walked passed Freya as a faint tint of crimson coloured his cheeks, the tips of his ears turning red. Freya didn't turn around soon enough to witness sight of fit as her eyebrows had knitted together in confusion just as he threw another air of question her way. "What do you think you're doing here?" She blinked, shaking her head. Hot and cold. She never knew the man could be so confusing. She remembered the last time they had even spoken. Dangerous and demanding. That it left her unsure of what to think about the following days he was gone. When silence soon continued, he added, "Just answer."

"To think."

"You're lying." It was an innocent and unsheathing answer. But he was right.

She clicked her tongue, back straight and taught like wire. "I'm not."

"You're doing it again."

She couldn't help but grin. "Why the sudden curiosity?"

"You're avoiding the question."

"So are you." She pointed out with a raised eyebrow. His back faced her as she turned around. Stiff and unmoving, waiting. She glanced back up. The clouds had now parted, and drifted away revealing the bright celestial moon she's been awaiting for to arrive. "The view." She mumbled absentmindedly. "I heard it was great. They were right." A sigh of contention escaped her. "The moon. It's so bright. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. And the sky... It's..." Her final words were nothing but a confused whisper on her tongue.

"Endless." Levi finished. Freya turned her head towards him, surprised that he managed to completely speak out her exact dejected thoughts. She bit down on the insides of her cheeks. Hard. To prevent the demeaning blush rise on her cheeks. Levi continued. "Why?"

"Hm?" She hummed.

"Why join the Survey Corps?"

"You already know."

"That's not what I–" He stopped himself, considering the fact that he may have been urging her for something that he wasn't completely confident of. He heard it all. Remembered Freya's words. A promise to oneself of having to never go back. The responsibility of risking her life over a child's. The heavy weight of pressure settling on her shoulder to save humanity. The latter being something she didn't particularly want to exert herself for. But everyone had a goal.

"Freedom, I guess." She spoke, breaking his thought. "That's what everyone wants, right? To be free?" She bent down on her knees and cautiously she sat on the ledge, legs dangling as she stared up at the dark blanket tucked above. "It's all happening so fast." She exhaled a large breath. She could vaguely remember the first day of training, her hesitance of using odm gear, the adrenalin of being up high in the air so long that she forced her mind and body to settle to the discomforting feeling of terror with heights. She thought it to be silly, but she couldn't help it. It seemed to be embedded in her entire being. A day. Freya just had to endure this one night. And that was it. The moment that the sun would fully rise, the beginning of her first expedition was to be set in place.

"You think you can handle it?" He followed her movements. Levi propped one leg up, resting his arm on his knee as he sat beside her, the distance appearing to stretch between them.

She didn't answer. "What was it like?" Freya asked. The question always drifted in her mind even before then. This was a chance she was going to take. "Your first expedition."

He hadn't expected that. Levi didn't think that she would be interested enough to even ponder on something so simple but trivial for him to answer. For a second, he considered ignoring the question with a simple line of nonchalant silence oozing from him. But he couldn't do it. It stung. Bitterly gnawing his insides as his stomach churned. A sad smile made its way on his face. He wiped it away before Freya could take notice as the blonde was too engulfed in the glowing moon. His first expedition. The night before. Filled with false promises and hope. Lies of counterfactual assurance and dreams of making it. To find himself in the same spot as before, only this time with company he didn't expect nor wanted in the first place.

It took him a moment before answering. Voice low, dropping to a murmur. "Nobody can foretell the outcome. Each decision you make... holds meaning only by affecting your next decision."

"So..." Freya trailed off. "I take it that it didn't go well."

Despite how grim he remembered the situation turned out to be from before, Levi chuckled. "No. Far from it." The laugh sounded foreign in Freya's ears. But it rang in her head. Once. Twice. Until it occupied a space in her head, taking place for her to harken back to.

She sighed, placing her hands behind her as she leaned back. "You think tomorrow's going to be the same?"

"I don't know." He hoped that wasn't the case. His heart ached.

"Do you regret what happened?" She turned her head to look at him. The silky light from the moon illuminated his face, strong features prominent. The slant of his nose, clench of his jaw, and the perplexing gaze that his eyes held were half hidden within the shadows. He certainly had looks that Freya had half forgotten that the bright moon was up there for them. To a stranger, she would be first seen as someone so innocent looking. Absolute and refined. Normal. The hint of curiosity filling her features as she stared at Levi.

There it was. As Levi turned his head to face her, eyes meeting, that heavy feeling settled back into his heart. Weighing down heavily and painfully. His chest tightened. He couldn't breathe, slowly losing the carried oxygen in his lungs. Couldn't think. But the pain was the farthest thing on his mind, unaware as his thoughts turned to figure out how a pair of blue irises had a hold on him, grasping in a trance as he found himself seeming to be wandering in the past. He held his breath, facing the moon once again.

"I've got no regrets."

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— AUTHOR NOTE —

the amount of times i watched no regrets is unhealthy. alsafhksugf. i don't know how i feel about this chapter if i like it or not. listening to the added song while writing this was so painful ahhhh i don't usually add songs but i thought it would nice listening to it while reading. thoughts on the new cover? i hope u guys like it!