xi. A STEP FORWARD

episode 17: female titan - the 57th expedition; part 1

CHAPTER ELEVEN

A STEP FORWARD

•••

Walls.

Thick cages of cement trapped her in from the moment she was born. Without the experience of ever seeing the outside world, slowly losing interest of what it truly was, what lied beyond the barrier, she was a curious woman. The grey border towered over fifty-meters high. Lined with artillery canons instilled on the top. It was a daunting sight that loomed over her head. Though the thought of it was shoved in the back of her head. All her life, Freya considered herself to be lucky to even see the sun, feel the cool air drift on her skin, to be exposed out in the broad daylight. The bright world. Ironically shallow and dark. Ruthless. Vile. The shouts of her superiors was distant. Nothing but muffled voices carping her ears in preeminent announcements. She strained her ears to listen carefully.

"We've lured away all nearby Titans!"

Her uniform seemed exceptionally tight on her today, the leather harness almost feeling like it strangled her very body to the bones, losing the pump of blood circulation running as her head felt light. Her chest puffed up and down, though she controlled her breathing to a constant rhythm of inhales and exhales. The sun beating down didn't exactly help, yellow and orange hues kissed the top of her head, blonde hair tied in a low ponytail with her black ribbon. Her Survey Corps jacket was uncomfortable as she blended in the sea of cadets. Blue eyes stared straight ahead. Her skin seared warm.

"Thirty seconds until the gate is open!" Without realizing it, her fingers began to drum in beat with each tick of passing seconds on her lap, silently counting, waiting. Fifteen seconds in, eventually, she lost it. Mind scrambled, numbers flying straight out of her head. Her hands went clammy. Her tongue occasionally darted out to swipe her bottom lip in parlous apprehension. Enlivened anticipation emitted from the blonde woman. A squad leader from the front lines yelled. "It's time! In mere moments, mankind will advance once again. Show us what you're made of!"

Cheers of her comrades filled the air. Yells of volatile vanquishing drummed her ears like a boulder rolling against the slope ground, heavy thumps thrashing recklessly. Curled fists and silver blades were all exuberantly raised in the air, an exhibit of spirit laid out for everyone in the small district they found themselves in. Wide eyed gazes from children peered out their home windows to take a peek. The murmurs and whispers of the district folks mixed with their shouts, a stern deviance of their doubt making regard. Freya was all too familiar with those suspecting looks as their were moments away from departing. "Open the gate!"

The ground rumbled as the large stone gate rose from the ground. From where she was positioned, she couldn't exactly see it. The numerous scouts laid in front of her prevented her from doing so. At least, not for now, knowing that she was seconds away from passing that thick barrier of stone walls.

"We now begin the 57th expedition!" She knew that voice leading from the front lines. Commander Erwin's tone was deftly distinguishable from the rest. Deep and authoritative that his order and statement was like thunder shooting through the cadets, sparking a blaze of energy. She blocked the loud noises, muffling them until her head was deep in her thoughts. Empty but calm. Slowly, she exhaled large breath. Before Freya knew it, the dark stallion she rode on began to move, galloping in sync with those around her. "Advance!"

A few meters away as she left the gate, it was almost like the sky had grown brighter. The air grew stronger. And everything else seemed bigger. Her senses went haywire, eyes roaming around and taking in the sight of tall and glooming buildings, empty houses, and torn brick walls. A void of sight of what seemed to be the aftermaths of the past. Alone and left purely for it to reduce into smithereens outside of the walls' interior. Astounded by the scenery surrounding her, she began to whisper those four words. A new found mantra that started to circulate her mind. A reminder. "I can do this."

Someone had yelled from the side. She pulled her attention from her hands and towards the source. Blue eyes widened. For a moment, her heart had stopped. Overwhelmed, her jaw parted agape. The sight of a Titan making way towards the group stunned her into a dismayed state. It was everything she had learned from the beginning. Weeks of preparation had taught her for this moment. Yet, there was a strange shiver of rigidness shooting down her spine. A natural exposed body, meters doubling in height, and a face disoriented, the uncanny resemblance of it compared to a human was what startled her into shock. She didn't realize the impact and effects of looking at a Titan for the first time until it came running towards them in a dismantled and limping jog. Frays of dirty blonde hair whipped wildly as she swallowed, murmuring under her breath. "I can do this."

A part of Freya was relived to know that she wasn't the only one alarmed by the Titan when she heard a high squeal from the back of the group. Her eyes caught on to Sasha, the brunette nervously eyeing the large figure before her squad leader ordered her to look away. Her ears picked up the sound of whirring wires. Two cadets from the support squad came rearing in to handle their jobs and assure that no obstacles or Titans would come their way. Debris of concrete flew as the Titan waved its hands in the air in protest. As soon as Freya had passed the short battle, she didn't bother to turn her head and look back. She forced the sound of booming stomps and yells out her head. She fluttered her eyelids closed, face cold from the wind. "I can do thi–"

"Oluo," She snapped her eyes open, looking in front of her where Eren stayed in her field of vision as she stayed behind him. He glanced to his left towards Oluo. "Can they..." A wave of nausea and nerves hit the boy as his eyes roamed towards his friends. "can my comrades beat the Titans?"

"Huh? What the hell have you been doing this past month?" Oluo questioned, tone implying that Eren was ridiculous for even asking. "Listen, you damn brat."

Despite the tremulous feeling coursing through Freya and the uneven beating of her heart, she found herself rolling her eyes at Oluo. "Here we go again."

Oluo snapped his head towards Freya, thin eyes narrowed into slits as he heard her. "I'm talking here."

She couldn't find it in herself to release the reins of her horse to even raise her hand in mock surrender, knowing that they would tremble the minute she let go. She replied in a flat tone, surprised her voice didn't falter. "Go ahead."

Oluo cleared his throat, looking pleased at himself before facing Eren. "During an expedition, the point is to avoid the Titans if possi–"

For a split second, in the midst of horse hooves stomping on the ground, she forgot that she was finally a part of a Survey Corps expedition, already back in head quarters, face amused to witness Oluo once again spatter blood on his collar a he bit his tongue. However, she was pulled back to reality, face settling into a nonchalant stare but breathing going heavy. Abandoned ruins of building were gone as she now passed the old town area. A wide and endless field of green met her. Titan territory. Commander Erwin's voice ordered loudly. "Assume the long-distance formation!"

Freya couldn't count the times she was forced to remember how the formation was laid out. It was embedded right onto her skull. A plan that she fluently recalled. The amount of discussing in the woods, passing the twisted oak tree to get to the secluded meeting place, and the numerous questions sent her way if she understood was quite bothersome. All she prioritized was the way she stood in Line 5-Center: Standby. The Center Rear of the formation. The safest place to be in the expedition. Call her conceited, but it wouldn't take long to know that survival meant more to her than any. Each squad began to spread out, moving meters away farther. Although they were spread out, they stayed within eyesight of someone on all sides in fixed distances from one another.

Extend, survey, and relay range.

She eyed Eren in front of her. His back tensed with each gallop of his horse, taught and stiff like a wire with Oluo to his right and Petra to his left. Beside Freya was Eld and Gunther. The two men had stayed quiet since the beginning of the day. Face stoic but calm. In front of Eren, riding and stationed the farthest away from her, was Levi. She couldn't tell what happened to him, but she could already guessed that he was all too familiar with the procedures of a recon mission. Squad Levi. She sighed loudly to herself at the name.

Time. She couldn't tell how long and how many time has passed. The sky was still bright as ever. Without a change or shift in weather. Her nerves eased and settled in. No longer frantic. But her guard was still up. She rode in silence. The view of the green grass clearing was pleasant to admire. It was no different back from head quarters. But something about it being outside of the walls had made it seem dangerous and and immersing. Just as she dropped her gaze to her lap, something loud banged from behind. A few meters away, she craned her neck to look at it. Blue eyes watched as barrels of green smoke lined the sky and crossed the white clouds.

"Smoke round. Green." Levi observed the numerous shots. It was Freya's first time hearing him speak today. Calm and cognizant that she slightly envied him for it. She caught his grey eyes as they roamed the squad, almost being decisive and carefully choosing. His eyes left hers. "Oluo, you fire it."

"Roger." Oluo nodded and immediately loaded his flare gun before aiming for the sky.

"Reporting!" A scout from another squad came into view, coming from the right, horse galloping beside Oluo. "Message to pass along! Right flank recon has been destroyed! Our recon system is partially inoperative. Pass this on to the left."

The news had Freya whipped her head to Levi. Eyes wide that she opened her mouth to ask. She hated how his back faced her. "How–"

"Did you hear that, Petra?" Levi's stern voice sliced through Freya's, cutting her off as she clamped her mouth shut. "Go."

"Yes, Corporal." Petra steered her horse to the left, leaving.

Freya left her post, maneuvering in front of Gunther and taking Petra's spot in the rear, Eren to her right, and the Corporal just ahead. No one commented as she abandoned her question behind. Noticing the distressed look on Eren's features, his green eyes met hers. Frantic and worried that she couldn't believe that she understood the reason behind his discomfort, recalling that a certain blonde boy was stationed in the right flank and that an unknown force had may or not wiped them all away. Another bang rang in the air. She looked up as three rounds of black smoke streamed across the clouds. She pursed her lips.

Abnormal Titans.

Averting her attention away from the smoke signal, Freya watched as Levi's gaze once again roamed the squad, head tilted to the side and peering behind his shoulder. A calculated look fell upon his stoic features. Her eyes connected with his. By the last second, it snapped away towards Eren. "Eren, you fire it."

Freya's chest twinge. She brushed it off away thinking that it was adrenaline pumping in her veins as Eren nodded, reaching for his flare gun. "R-Right!"

"You know something." The words had slipped from her tongue. Voice low but enough for him to hear as a deafening pop banged from the fired black smoke. Her gaze burned the back of his cape. The side of his jaw filled her view. Clenched and gritted together with a slight furrow of his brows. The corner of his pursed lips twitched. The subtle morph of his face formed an unsettling feeling in the depth of her stomach. She didn't care how despondent her voice sounded to him at the moment. "Tell me."

His gaze was set forward, not once looking back again. "Know your place."

Nothing but sheer bafflement washed over her. Fists clenched tightly as she was seething deeply inside with the statement. It left her susceptible. It annoyed her, driving Freya to the very edge as blue eyes darkened into an irritated glare directed to Levi's back. She was left with nothing to do but follow. Course of direction shifted. She could no longer keep up. As far as she knew, the main objective was to reach a ruined old city down by the south. However, as time dragged on in tensed silence, she could see their path growing from up ahead. The Forest of Giant Trees.

Tall and towering trees lined her eyes. A variety of green and dark soils and trunks was a blur. It relatively went dark as leaves blocked out the bright sky, and thick branches danced with the wind. The wide field of grass was left behind her as Petra had now joined the squad, taking place from behind. Wooden fences paved either sides of the long path. For some reason, the thought of being meters away and without eye sight from the different rear squads unsettled Freya a bit. Eren broke the extensive silence as he called. "Corporal... Corporal Levi!"

The annoyance in Levi's voice was clear as ever. "What?"

"Well... We're in the middle of the woods. If the center enters alone, we won't know if Titans are approaching. It seems something's approaching us from the right... How are we supposed to dodge the Titans or protect the carts?"

"Don't go on and on about the obvious..." Levi advised. "We can't do that anymore, of course."

Taken aback, Eren questioned. "Then--Then why?"

A pause of quietness. Freya was about to tune out the conversation when she was startled find his gaze set on her. A brow raised, and waiting as he spoke. "What do you see?"

She could feel the group's attention pinned on her back. But her blue irises fell on his grey ones. She couldn't back down, couldn't look away. Chafing dread was evident in her eyes. But he made no comment. She was well acquainted with the scenery. Her afternoons spent with the wild, clamouring nature that it left her smelling like the woods at the end of the day was all too familiar for her during this past month. She licked her bottom lip, eyes turning into a dark glare of disturbance as she answered him. "It's the perfect environment for 3d Maneuver Gear.

His face didn't falter one bit, returning his eyes to front as he spoke back to Eren. "Try to use that tiny brain of yours, Eren... if you don't want to die, think."

Eren swallowed. "Yes, sir."

The group was left with unanswered questions spiralling in their heads. Freya felt the strained atmosphere suffocating her and level her nerves to rise uneasily. She saw it. The perplexing gazes of her squad mates. Knitted eyebrows scrunched together and the worried expression that Oluo, Eren, Petra, Eld, and Gunther held. All directed to Levi. A sudden change of route, a different and unknown destination, and a formation disrupted to spread out, it was all too strange. She didn't practice this, she didn't''t learn this, she didn't know anything at this point. Despite not being able to see her with his back towards them, Freya silently questioned Levi if he even knew what the hell was going on.

"A black smoke round?" Eren asked aloud, catching the groups attention.

Freya turned her head toward the source of the signal. Her blue eyes widened. "It's from directly behind us."

"It's whatever was coming towards on from the right." Eld guessed.

"Draw your blades." A shrill ring emitted as Levi unsheathed his one blade, the weapon turned down in his left hand and the hood of his cape sliding down. His dark hair whipped messily. "If we see it, it'll only be for a second."

"I'm sorry..." Slowly shaking her head, Freya blinked, face confused as she asked. "It?"

The moment her question came slipping from her mouth, a loud cry of despair howled from behind. Her body stiffened as she whipped her head to look. The color had drained from her face, falling, heart stopping and breath hitching lodged in her throat. Skin pale and cold, she never wanted anything more than to close her eyes. Wake up. Admit that it was nothing but a dream. Nightmare. However, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't pull her eyes away from the sprinting Titan that had intentions she couldn't fathom to imagine. A deadly and cold look forming on its feminine face.

It was different. Smart. Stronger. Dangerous. In an instant, the two support squad cadets that hovered above were wiped out in an instant. It blocked every slice from the silver blades, pulled and tugged strongly on shooting wires, and swiftly moved like an athlete, charging towards Freya and the squad that every time she took a peak, it seemed to have inched closer and closer. Fourteen meters in height with chopped blonde hair, body exposing fibrous tendons and muscled structures. Freya swore that she saw the Titan smirk upon gaining speed and momentum.

"Go!" Levi's command was nothing but a muffled yell in Freya's ears as the Titan's large figure loomed above their heads. Inches away from its grasp. A gasp from Eren pulled her back. Her breathing went uneven.

"It's fast! In these trees, there's no way to foresee and evades its attack!" Gunther shouted, speaking out everyone's thoughts.

"It'll catch us!" Eld scarily stated.

"You think?!" Freya hissed at the two. Angry and scared, terrified to the bone.

"Corporal, let's switch to Maneuver Gear!" Petra's shrill voice cried. But Levi's attention was elsewhere, carefully eyeing the large figure in silence. Two figures zoomed from the trees. "Reinforcements from the Rear!"

Freya held her breath. A male cadet aimed for the Titan's nape. His wires shot out for something to dig itself into. But it clawed at air as the Titan dodged to the left. Its hand reached out for the wire, pulling at the male scout and ramming its shoulder on its body and connecting with a tree. Another scout soared past it to escape. But the Titan's large hand shot out and engulfed the scout's body in its palm, squeezing tight before Freya heard a loud pop and crunch of bones gnashing resonated. Crimson droplets splattered the air. Breathless, Freya inhaled sharply, chest filling with needed oxygen painfully. It continued to run.

"Corporal, your orders!" Petra cried desperately, shrill and high after witnessing the damage.

"Say something!" Freya joined in. Voice tight as her panicked blue eyes widened in double.

"Let's go for it!" Oluo said. Freya, didn't like how hesitant he sounded. "It's dangerous... We should kill it!"

Eld unsheathed his blades, nodding. "I'll rip you apart!"

"Corporal Levi?" Eren asked, staring at the man's back.

"Give us your orders!" Oluo demanded.

"At this rate, it will catch up with us!" Gunther observed. Freya's heart had stopped for a moment.

"We kill it here... That's why we came to this forest! Right, Corporal?!" Eld waited for confimration. No response.

Freya gritted her teeth together, shaking her head with clenched eyes before staring at the squad. "Then what the hell are you waiting for?!"

Eren continued to bore holes at the man. "Your orders!"

Turning his head, Levi glanced behind his shoulder. The distressed and nervous expression of his squad was a sight. A sea of baffled blue, green, and brown eyes all waiting. Reaching down for his flare gun settled in his holster, he raised his arm up. The barrel aimed for the sky. Unloaded and empty. His thumb weighed down on the latch. A second passed. Awed at his cool and calm composure, Freya missed his next words. "Cover your ears." He pulled on the trigger.

"Damn it..." A sharp ring pierced Freya's hearing. It echoed and rattled her skull. She winced at the noise, instantly regretting her actions to not follow the rest who had their hands cupped on their ears. With squeezed eyes, her head went hazy. She could faintly hear the monstrous steps of the Titan's feet pounding from behind. A long siren dragged the on. She didn't realize that an empty barrel would be this painful to hear. She shook her head, opened her eyes as her hearing went back to normal.

"A sound blast?" Eren asked, dropping his hands to his sides.

"What are your jobs? Do they involve getting overwhelmed by fickle emotions? That shouldn't be the case. Our squad's duty is to keep this brat from getting a single scratch on him." Levi spoke. "Even if it costs our lives."

A sudden weight fell upon Freya's shoulders, posture sagging as she asked. "What now?"

"We'll continue to flee on horse." Levi responded. "Got that?"

In disbelief, Freya stared at the man as if he was crazy. "We can't--"

"Yes, sir!" Petra understood strongly. Freya snapped her head to the woman. Just a few moments ago, the red head was yelling at the top of her lungs for her Corporal to do something about the situation. And now, she seemed to be agreeing to the plan of escaping. Not that Freya rejected the idea, but chances of succeeding was turning out to be low.

"Flee?" Eren questioned. "To where exactly?!"

"Our deaths, apparently." Freya loudly scoffed.

"It's already right on our tails." Eren watched as scouts zoomed and whizzed around the Titan. "Reinforcements! They'll get killed like the others if don't help!"

"Eren, face forward!" Gunther reminded.

"Don't slow down, keep going full speed!" Eld added.

"Why?" The boy questioned. "If we don't stop it, who's going to?!"

Gritting her teeth together at each unanswered question spewing in the atmosphere, Freya replied. "No one!"

Eren ignored her. "Another person died–"

"We will too if we go back!" She snapped hastily. There was no indication that told if Freya felt guilty for leaving an innocent soul to be crushed, too occupied with worrisome thoughts wondering if she was to be next to die. The account alone rattled her.

Eren continued with a shake of his head. "There's someone still fighting. If we go now, we can make it--"

"Eren, face forward and keep going!" Petra ordered.

"Are you telling me to turn a blind eye?! You want me to run, leaving a comrade to die?!"

A breathy sigh escaped her as realization came crashing on Freya. "That's exactly what they're saying."

The red head continued. "Obey the Lance Corporal's order!"

"I don't see why we have to abandon him! I don't get why you won't explain either! Tell me why!" Eren demanded. He turned to Freya. "Don't you want to know?!"

She did. More than anything at the moment. Sitting on top of her horse, galloping distances away from where she soon started, she couldn't believe herself for even thinking about it, considering her options, but she wanted to return back to the walls, stay within the safety of tall barriers. She was torn between wanting to know and understand, and conceal herself in a place where she knew she wouldn't die so terrifyingly.

She couldn't answer. With her mouth parted and no words coming out, Oluo spoke instead. "It's because the Lance Corporal decided against it. You don't understand because you're still new. If you do, shut up and obey!" Eren puts away his blades, carefully eyeing the skin of his right hand. His mouth went dry.

"What are you doing?" Petra asked him with wide eyes. "That should only be done when your life is in grave danger. Didn't you promise us that?"

Freya released a sharp puff of air, voice battling with the woman, incredulous. "We are seconds from being stomped to death, you don't call this a dangerous situation?"

The two women had their voices high and loud, pleading and desperately straining to palm a clash of conflict between Freya and Petra, struggling to get a hold of persuasion. Their voices had mixed as they both simultaneously yelled and called. "Eren!"

"You're not in the wrong." Levi spoke, halting the tensed exchange between the two women. "Feel free to do it."

"What?" Freya's eyebrows furrowed together.

"It's clear to me. He's a true monster. And not because of his Titan abilities. No matter how you try to hold him down... No matter what cage you lock him up in... Forcing his mind into submission is an impossible task." He explained. "Eren, the difference between your decision and ours arises from the gap in experience. But you see, you don't need to depend on such a thing. Decide. Either you believe in yourself or the soldiers of the Survey Corps, myself included. I don't know the right answer. I never have. Even if I believed in myself and the decisions of the comrades who've earned my trust, the result was always a complete mystery."

"No regrets." Freya murmured quietly under her breath, eyes casted down to her hands as she gnawed on the inside of her cheek, stomach churning.

"That's why... you should just do your best to make a decision you won't regret." He said in finality. Freya's brows furrowed as she clenched her hands into a fist, nails digging into the soft flesh of her palms, marking crescent moon shapes on her hand in red harsh lines.

Petra nodded to Eren, tone soft for him to understand. "Believe in us."

The young boy's features morphed into clear confusion, a wide variety of conflicting emotions running in him that left him dazed, unsure. Levi turned his head to Eren, stone eyes demanding an answer. "Eren, hurry up! Decide already!"

Eren gulped, swallowing the thick lump in his throat. "I'll keep going!"

"Target is accelerating!" Gunther informed. True to his words, the Titan's pace picked up far greater than anticipated. Its form was hunched over, leaning forward as its legged propelled to run faster, so much so that dirt began to trail from behind, leaving a smoke of soil to dust the air.

"Faster! We'll outrun it!" Levi commanded.

"You can't be serious!" It took Freya a moment to register that they accepted the plan wholeheartedly. She should've known better. Their heads straight forward, ignoring the agonizing cries of scouts being squeezed to death from behind, abandoning comrades, and yearning to seize the moment, Freya couldn't find it in herself to stray away and leave, knowing that it wouldn't do her no good. She wasn't prepared to have risk it all in such dangerous times. She hadn't anticipated it. Unlike them, Freya wasn't steeled to take a step forward. Despite the eery feeling of wanting to leave things behind, forget, she wasn't ready. No matter how hard she fooled herself to believe so.

With wide and hectic blue eyes, they began to sting from the wind whipping directly on her face. Her body stiffened, yet her hands shook uncontrollably on the reins of her horse. Worn out and mind baffled, she didn't know what would have happened next if it weren't for a Commander's voice shouting above the trees, overcoming the Titan's loud footsteps as it suddenly screeched to a halt.

"Fire!"

It was no longer a booming thunder of barrels firing that rammed her hearing. It was that long and impetuous siren of sharp ringing circulating her head that rattled her brain in her skull. A blur of silver lines came shooting out from the sides, concealed within the ruffled bushes and large tree trunks. She couldn't count how many spears and arrows pierced the Titan's body in different angles, restraining its movement. With it stuck in place, the distance between her the Titan grew farther and farther. Yet, she could still see it. The dumbfounded look it held, the quick instinct of it to cover its nape, and the dark look clouding over its lined features. Trapped.

"After securing the horses up ahead, switch to three-dimensional maneuvers. I'll act separately for a while. Eld will take charge of the squad. Hide Eren a good distance away from that Titan." Swiftly moving up and kneeling on his saddle, ready to depart, Levi's gaze was locked on to the awed group. His calm and composed voice was the least surprising thing Freya noticed at the moment. But a mix of vexation and glint of awestruck fell on her eyes as she stared at the man in stupefied silence. Stunned to even move or speak, she watched as his eyes lock on to her frantic ones, dull irises blank, mouth moving, and words ensuing to her before being hauled up in the air. "You know what to do."

•••

— AUTHOR NOTE —

i didn't mean write every female titan scene in this chapter but i really want to reach season 3 as soon as possible hehehe. let me know what u think about this!