xix. DON'T ASK DON'T TELL

episode 28: southwestward

CHAPTER NINETEEN

DON'T ASK DON'T TELL

•••

"Don't leave me."

Dust on tiny feet, sweat pouring down her cheeks, and tears flooding her eyes. It wasn't enough to distract her from the incessant pounding of her running heart. The thrill and terror warring in her head, her voice sounding so small, and quivering. Chapped and seared lips trembled between her teeth as she bit on them down, wishing the taste of copper had never been there, trickling down the corner of her mouth to her chin, dripping down on ragged clothes soaked in crimson and earth. It seeped right on her tiny hands, nails digging in her palm and barring flesh. The running never stopped.

"Why? Are you scared?"

"No." Lying. It felt like it had been the only choice. The easiest one that she could do. A simple word rasping from her breath, with a set of lungs wanting to collapse. She could feel her bones wanting to snap as her bare feet padded on cold bricks and tipped rocks. Knees red and bruised from the constant fall she took. Elbows scraped and skin torn, reaping through tall and looming crowds of strangers. They were angry. Yelling. It only fueled the need to hide away, disappear within a blink of repose. She was terrified, screaming in her mind and asking would it ever end.

"Hurry up then."

"I can't." She didn't bother hiding the desperation of plea in her voice. An hour. Or two. She didn't know how long she had been out on the streets, cold and starving. Nothing new but body ready to fracture. Her chest puffed, inhaled heavy air tinted with dark smoke and streaks of ruins, that had her coughing. Dirty blonde hair clung on her face, matted with grime and soil, a tangled mess that whipped wildly around her eyes as she elbowed her way to pass. Her tongue went dry, finding it difficult to swallow the lump in her throat. Palms clammy, and arms aching tired, wanting to give out.

"If you don't, you'll get lost."

"I don't want that."

"Then we can't let them get to us, okay?"

"Why?" She could hear them. Men and their raging shouts for her to stop. But she didn't. Couldn't. The erratic beating of her heart told her not to. She didn't know why, but she knew that she had to escape them, knowing that they wouldn't stop either. It was the same look of people that had an arbitrated stare set on her, looking as if she didn't belong. Nothing more than mere dirt left but to wane away. Peeking a glance past her shoulder, blue eyes widened at the sight of silver glinting by their hands. Metal knives baring at her, the distance seeming to close within her gaze.

"Because..." A corner. Immediately, their running came to a quick turn, feet skidding to a halt as a set of frail hands grabbed her shoulder, hauling her to the side within a dark alleyway. One. Two. Three men came past them, blind to look within the shadows and dark to notice. Eventually, their shouting had become distant and faint. She finally caught her breath, dropping the small and stained sack on the ground. She didn't care or bother with the number of apples that came rolling out of its contents, dirt smudging on its ruby surface as her arms rested by her sides, just amused at the thought of eating. Surviving. Looking up, the image of his wide grin invariably comforted her. "That's just how the world works."

She never understood at first. Too naïve to wonder why the sky never turned a shade of blue, why palls of white never came. The ground always seeming to be dry, lined with cracks and dirt that it never rained. But she could sometimes hear the mounting thunder rumble above her head, a low growl that vibrated the ground she stood. It was the same thing all over again. The same surrounding to stare at. People that wanted her gone. Running. Stuck in a world she couldn't escape. Sinking down against the moist alley wall, she fell slumped against the ground, her head tucked in between her knees, eyes closing, whispering.

"The world looks so small when you're down here."

"Hey."

The sound of leather shoes tapping on concrete was what hauled her attention back to where she stood, eyes snapping open as she slowly inhaled a deep breath, feeling the cold air enter her body. Blinking once. Twice. She licked her lips, skin shuddering as the sudden ringing in her head had gone dull. Muffled and mind submerged into words that she thought she had desolated. A memory she thought she buried. Shaking her head, she turned her attention to the side, to the voice, tentative and heedful at the arctic tone that hauled her to notice grey eyes staring at her. His orders firm.

"Keep moving."

The broad streets of Ehrmich District were teeming with masses of civilians. It was insoluble to sustain the number of people that passed within her view. The tedium dejection in their gaze meeting her own. Despair strained, surrounding and tantalizing in the area. All refugees from Wall Rose. Their heads low. Cowls over their faces. Lament from departing what they knew was home to them. A Wall that they weren't sure could protect them. Children. Families. Standard men and women lugging through the growing tangle of the sudden evacuation to Wall Sina that had been declared in the middle of the night.

It recurred to Freya that she wasn't alone, reminded of a little job to guide a pastor into the district's stationed quarters the moment they bounded down from their curt voyage. The two had stopped short by the entree doorway, a set of cobbled stairs waiting as Freya had been the last to leave the wagon, tasked on making sure the Pastor followed. However, imminently, witnessing the relinquishment of citizens happen in front of them got them stopping. Peering at the sight that Freya shifted on foot to the other, something in her chest hitting with uncertainty. Pastor Nick swallowed. "Th-This is..."

"What did you expect you'd see? This is what happens when the wall falls." Levi leaned against wall by the stairs. A few steps up as he gazed at the two from behind with thin eyes. "Take a good look at the faces of people who've lost everything. The faces of everyone you and your people abandoned. If your church's wish come true, and Titans come flooding through the walls, we'll all be crammed up in their revolting mouths and die in the most miserable way possible. All of humanity, digested as one." It was clear to see who he was talking to. A dark tone to his voice. "Now, go."

The Pastor made no dispute at the order, walking past the man and up away without a word as his gaze trailed off at the district people behind him. Freya listened for his steps, waited for the clicking of his heels to fade away into silence as she remained still and standing at the bottom of the staircase. Sighing lightly underneath her breath, she turned around. Eyes casted straight to anywhere but him as she took the first step up the stairs to follow and regroup with Hange and Eren. Although, as anticipated, she didn't make it far more than two steps.

"You really think you can get away from me?" Regard flashed in his gaze as his hand shot out to grip her bicep. She stopped right by his side. Her shoulder skimming against his as always. She didn't understand what it was with him and halting her movements. However, she knew that stare. A hint of amusement flickering just beneath them. Eyebrow raised in question, the dark somehow sharpening his features cutting and sharp.

"It's late." Her perduring tone was evident, insisting. She knew very well that a second or two alone with him wasn't the best for her. For him.

"You didn't answer me."

"Well, it definitely was worth a try." She said flatly, knowing damn well that avoiding his gaze to get past him wasn't going to do her anything.

"Not that." He was direct. A man who knew what was eminent. His presence was conflicting enough that she didn't want a moment to be snared under his disquisition. She knew what he meant. What he wanted. Answers just as she repined for it. It was eerily alarming how much he wanted to know, to grasp an understanding just as her. His question just a few hours ago back in Stohess District circled her mind.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Really, we're doing this?"

"You tell me."

She didn't anticipate the amount of strength that he had on her. His hand on her bicep was light. Gentle but firm to hold her, somehow steering her a single step up on the staircase, but a step below him. Her back met the cobbled stone wall, a soft thud resonating between them as she blinked at the sight of his frame looming over her, leaning in close that she caught the scent of books and tea drifting in the atmosphere. His breath warm against her cheek. She shuddered, lips parting as a second passed. Another. He leaned down, staring at her with nonchalant eyes. His voice went low. "What is it with you and not answering the question?"

Her heart went uneven. Falling in an erratic rhythm that she couldn't control, pounding against her chest that she hoped he wouldn't feel with his body inches away from hers. However, that didn't stop her from tilting her head to the side, eyeing him up and down with narrowed eyes. Her fingers enveloped around the soft material of his cravat as the white clothe had been tied congruously around his neck. She watched as his eyes widened for a fraction, the only reaction he had slipped out before she tugged him closer, the tip of his nose nearly touching hers, quick to murmur. "What is it with you and walking away?"

Levi squinted, momentarily flicking his gaze to her hand wrapped around his cravat.

Jaw clenched, going tense at the sight of silver rings on her fingers. Tiny trinkets glinted against the moon light, their only source of light from the open door space as they found themselves immured at the bottom of the staircase. White rays beamed against the side of her face. A faint glow against fair features. He reached for her wrist. Long and slender fingers tied to her as his thumb rested against her palm. He made no move to remove her hand from his cravat. Still as he held her, deep in a strife. Looking back at Freya, her curving mouth met him as he licked his lips. "I'm right here, aren't I?"

"Unfortunately."

"It's a simple question."

"And you know mine."

He pursed his lips at her quick reply. Teed off as he could already imagine the small creases forming on his attire. His hand wrapped around her wrist had tightened. "You know very well that it's not the same."

Feeling the pressure on her skin, she quipped. "You want me to tell you things that can put me behind bars, while you refuse to share any of your secrets with me."

"Because mine leaves people hurt."

"What does that have to do with me?" It's unbearable. The silence that intruded along the shadows. It was impossible to tell what went on in his head. His stoic demeanor irritating her as she continued honestly. "I don't even know you."

"You tell me."

Her jaw went slack. "You are just..." The rest of her insult dissolved in her throat as something resonated in her ears.

It was feeble cry that she didn't notice it at first. Body stiffening at the sound, fading as her face fell, brows knitting together at the prick she felt twinge in her heart. Shoulders taught like wire, feeling the rigid wind hit her skin when she heard it again. Again. And again. Pulling her gaze from grey eyes that stared at her chagrin expression, she ignored the look of perplexity that settled on his soft features. She turned her head to the moving crowd to her left, dredging through each face of a stranger. Searching. Listening. Until she found her and her cries.

"Don't leave me." Voice drowned in the number of murmuring of people. It was faint. Small and trembling. However, tangible. Melded with a deplorable cry, coming down to a low sniffle just across from the road. Streaming tears poured from wide, brown eyes. Innocence and chastity gleamed in them. Although, red. Puffy. And breaking within each second. She was nothing more than a little girl. Brown hair. 6. Maybe, 8. Alone without a parent. It was evident that she had one. Frantically looking from side to side, standing on the tip of her tiny toes, trying to strain a look above heads of moving adults. Searching, too. A little lost.

"She'll be fine." He told her. His brief words to pull Freya back did nothing to elevate the immersing contrition that came to her.

"No, she won't." She breathed, trying to conceal the shock that came to her as he noticed where her attention had landed. Somehow, the crying grew louder in her ears. High and in pain. Bitter and broken, tarrying for ease. She could feel a crack heave in chest, fragmenting her lungs. Air lost. Inhaling, a squeeze constricted her heart. Guilt evaded her body. Her brows furrowed together. Teeth gnawed the insides of her cheek as her stomach churned. The crying never did stop as she sighed and looked away. Head turned down that a strand of her hair escaped, falling in front of her eyes. "She will never be fine."

Levi noticed. Remarked the appalling sadness that flooded inside her blue eyes, turning crystal in the night. Caught onto her words that didn't sound right to his ears. A secret lingering in her solemn voice that he wanted to know. Had to find out. A part of him felt as if he already knew, having a feeling that it wasn't the little girl across the street evading her mind but another. His chest caved in. "And what makes you think that?"

"Does it matter what I think?"

His mouth parted open. However, not a single word came out before his lips were back to a straight line, closed and jaw tightening.

"Well, it's like you said..." She watched him with weary eyes as she spoke, noticing his other hand reach up towards her face. His movements startled her, somehow stately as she found it difficult to be so calm. His flesh cold like porcelain, a touch of ice grazing over her jaw, rising to her cheekbone. A shiver dragged down her spine. His touch stranded a trail of radiancy on her skin, the dark concealing the warmth that consumed her. His hand went over to the fallen strand of blonde that fell in front of her face, tucking it neatly behind her ear. "To you..." She didn't care how her voice had languidly dissolved in her throat, now confined in the intensity of steel eyes never leaving hers. "I'm no one."

It was quiet. Hollow and air heavy like the sudden drop that weighed in her stomach. He didn't say anything. Not a word. Not even an order as he pulled his gaze away from her. Slowly, she could feel his touch leave hers. Hands back to his sides. It made no difference. The likeness of his cold skin against hers was replaced by the frigid wind that took the night. The sound of his steps moving past her mirrored the bleary ticking in her head. Going down the stairs and turning a corner as he left, walking away. His presence gone and empty replaced by the deep trench that grew in her chest. Head falling back on the wall behind her, she sighed.

By the time Freya had reached the top of the stairs and stepped into the second floor, she was met with a view of Hange raging on with continuous shouts that filled the room. Her anger directed towards Pastor Nick who stood in front of her like a crestfallen child. Scolded for a mistake. A mistake that ultimately toyed with the fate of humanity. "We don't have time for this! You know, don't you?!" Hange's furious glare was a startling sight. "Will you talk, or you won't?! Make up your mind already!"

It was enough to distract Freya from turning thoughts and grey eyes.

"I cannot say anything." Pastor Nick lowered his head, the same despondent look on his face unchanging. "The other believers are the same as I, and that will never change."

"Well thanks for nothing." The brunette turned on her heel, marching off with stiff shoulders as sarcasm dripped off her words, arms flailing wildly by her sides. "We're so grateful for all the help you've been!"

"It's too great a decision for a single person to make." Pastor Nick replied. "The Order of the Walls must always adhere to the sacred will we're bound to obey."

Hange paused, turning to face the pastor once more in exasperation. "Whose will? God, or something?"

"I cannot say anything. However, I can inform you of a name, who under their sacred will, we were instructed to monitor." He said.

"Monitor?"

"That person joined the Scout Regiment as of this year." The requisite information hanging from his words had gained everyone's attention as Eren, Mikasa, and Armin all stepped up behind Hange. Admittedly, Freya found herself leaning closer, taking a step or two near the pastor and his low murmuring statements just to hear. "Their name is..."

"Excuse me!" Freya's eyes snapped to the door behind Eren and the group as it banged open, hitting the wall beside. An all too familiar girl entered the room. The ends of her ponytail swinging from side to side at the abrupt entrée and posed for a salute. Left hand tucked behind her back and the other holding onto a rolled up parchment in her fist. "104th Cadet Corps. Sasha Braus!"

"Her?" Eren breathed out at Pastor Nick's words, too stunned to even take notice of his friend's arrival who stood behind him.

Hange stared at the boy, confused. "Who's that?"

"Um, this is for you, Section Commander." Sasha mumbled, shifting on her boots at the tense atmosphere that she barged into. Although, no one had noticed. Freya arched an eyebrow at the girl.

"You must find her at once. Only she... She may know the truths which even we cannot perceive. That is all the information I can share." The Pastor said in finality. "The rest I leave in your hands."

"If she's in the 104th, then she's deep in the front lines right now." Hange quickly realized.

"Let's go!" Eren hastily said, turning without looking where he was headed as he started off to a run. "We need to hurry!"

Hange called for him in surprise. "Wait!"

A brief thud resonated in the room as Eren came colliding with Sasha's still frame. The girl came falling back on the impact, crashing on her behind as she winced. "Ouch..."

"Sasha?" Eren leaned forward, hands on his knees and taking notice of his friend in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" Mikasa asked.

With the question being heard, Sasha's eyes widened within a second, pushing herself up with her hands as she quickly grabbed the fallen rolled up parchment on the floor. She pushed past Eren, back straight. Almost as if the collision didn't happen, she took a few paces forward, standing in front of Hange with a stern look, disclosing. "Upon my arrival, I have my report to the Commander. Afterwards, I was entrusted to deliver this message to the Section Commander."

"Message? Good work." Hange accepted the offered parchment in Sasha's hand, quickly paying her with a steaming potato that the girl accepted without a word. Her young face brightening up at the loamy smell and warmth radiating on her hand. With knitted brows, Freya opened her lips to quickly question where the food had suddenly come out from when Hange quickly turned around. "Gear up, everyone!"

Along with the rest, Freya had moved to the ground floor where her gear were placed and settled off to the side. It didn't take long for her to place it on. Albeit a struggle with the different leather harnesses going around her body, and equipment attached around her waist. Despite wearing it a few times on and off the field for her brief training and one time expedition, she still wouldn't get used to the stifling and repressing restraint it had on her body. Every once in a while, her gaze would peer at the front entrance. She shook her head.

"So, who is this girl in the 104th?" Hange asked just as Freya tightened the belt going just under her rib cage.

"She's the smallest one of us." Eren answered as he tucked in a strap of his leather harness around his leg and in his left boot.

"She's got long golden hair. Um, and..." Armin clutched one of Eren's metal scabbard close to his chest, humming in thought before saying. "She's cute."

"Cute?" Amused, Freya said in a high tone, eyebrows raised as she held back a laugh, watching Mikasa and Armin assist Eren with his gear. Freya wasn't going to deny their statement. Whilst she never had really interacted with the girl during her stay back in the former Survey Corps headquarters, there wasn't much to tell. Quiet and reserved. Determined. However, optimistic and bright. She muttered. "That's one way to describe her."

"She's always hanging around Ymir." Mikasa added from behind Eren as she properly secured the boy's gas cylinder by his waist.

Hange inhaled a sharp breath at the name, confused as she stared at everyone in the room for clarification. "Ymir?"

"She's..." Before Freya could fully answer, her gaze went back to the door. Words trailing as she watched Levi enter the room, leisurely walking towards the group. He was quiet, observing as the rest made preparations, and leaning against the wall opposite from her across the room and in the back. Arms crossed as the look on his features made it unsurprisingly clear he wanted to be unperturbed. She swore she saw the slight tick of his jaw as she spoke, concealed wryness in her voice, the corner of her mouth curving as she answered Hange. "The tall one."

With her Scouts leather jacket on, her green cape resting idly on her shoulders, lamentably Freya couldn't believe how long it took for Eren to fully change into his gear considering he had both his friends assist him. By the time the three were done, Sasha had quickly finished off her snack. All the while from beside Freya, Hange quickly scanned the rolled parchment given to her. A second passed. Another. She inquired. "Eren?"

Eren glanced up as he buttoned his cape. "What is it, Section Commander?"

"I was finally able to get my hands on the background report for Annie Leonhart. It's taken so long to get it because managing these reports is such a mess right now." She informed. Patently, Freya's interest at their conversation rose. "According to this, there were two others belonging to the 104th Cadet Corps who came from the same area as her. And those two are Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover." She looked back down on the report in her hands. "Thanks to the chaos five years ago, pretty much all of their family records are spotty or missing. However, during the long-range scouting formation, their unit was given false information. They were among those purposely told that Eren was in the right wing."

"The Female Titan attacked from the right wing." Armin recalled.

"Huh?" Sasha turned to him. "What does that mean?"

"That it's possible they passed on that information to Annie..." With each word that spewed from his mouth, Armin's voice faded at the growing look of confusion that settled on Sasha's face.

"Why? Why would they tell Annie?" Sasha asked. Her inquiry silently reminded Freya that not everyone in the Survey Corps knew about the mission that took place in Stohess District and the chaos that ensued with the crystallized state that Annie had been encased in. No one in the room answered the girl.

Eren faced Armin. Brows furrowed into a glare at the assumption. "Hey, hold on a minute, Armin. You can't just–"

"I know that, Eren." Hange cut him off. "By itself, that's not enough to prove anything. So just in case, I'd like to hear how these three interacted during training. Know anything?"

As far as Freya was aware, she never did had a conversation with any of the two boys that lasted more than a minute. The only time they ever did speak was when they were huddled in a group with the rest of their cadet group. Words curt and short that it wasn't enough for Freya to learn anything about them. She shrugged. "Nothing."

"I knew Reiner and Bertolt were from the same place, but they didn't seem close to Annie." Armin said.

"I agree." Eren nodded. "I don't recall ever seeing the pair talking to Annie that much. Well, Annie didn't talk much in the first place."

"When we eat, Annie would always sit alone and munch on food by herself." Sasha raised a hand, coming into a conclusion. "Oh! I've got something. I heard a rumor she liked sweets, even though she looks so grouchy."

"Noted." Freya said dryly. "Thank you." Sasha nodded firmly at the woman.

"I..." Mikasa blinked. "don't remember."

"But as their comrade, I'd find it hard to believe." Eren reasoned. "Set aside Bertolt, who doesn't say much. Reiner is like everyone's big brother, and he's not devious enough to deceive all of us."

"I agree." Armin said. "Reiner gave everything he had fighting the Female Titan with me. He would've gotten crushed in her hand if he hadn't–"

Noticing the immediate tensed state Armin got into, Eren asked. "What's wrong?"

"Reiner managed to escape, but..." Hesitantly, Armin continued. "Annie suddenly changed her course."

"Let me guess..." Freya blew a breath at the information. "And ran straight to our direction?"

"I..." Armin's gaze fell down. "I did mention that Eren might be at the rear of the center rank. But Annie was too far away to hear."

"Seriously?" Eren questioned.

Hange raised her knuckles under her chin. "Did Reiner seem overly interested in Eren's location?"

Brows knitted together in concentration, Armin murmured. "It can't be..." Blue eyes widened. "I only started talking about Eren's position because Reiner was the one who asked about it first. Furthermore, when that happened, the Female Titan was staring at her palm. He might've written a message with his blades in her hand. Reiner could've..."

Eren turned to him. Angry. Voice rising in disbelief. "What the hell? Why are you saying things like this? You should–"

"Eren!" Hange called, a slight warning to her tone. "No... Everyone, listen up! Supposing that we find Reiner or Bertolt, act in such a way as to not reveal any suspicions. Of course, do not make any mention of Annie Leonhart either. Regardless if they're Annie's accomplices or not, we need to lead them deep underground and confine them. Does everyone understand?"

With cadets answering with a firm 'yes' as their answer, Eren started towards the door. "We've got to go."

"Calm down, Eren." Suddenly, Levi spoke. His voice stern that it gained every individual's attention in the room, including Freya's. Eren paused. "You all listen, too. We're going out own ways now. The rest is up to you. Erwin may have thrown together your squad, but everything's riding on you." His gaze went to the blonde boy. "Got it, Armin? Work with Hange and combine your knowledge."

Armin's back straightened. "Yes, sir."

"Mikasa." Levi continued. "I don't know why you're so attached to Eren, but use the utmost of your ability to protect him at all costs."

"Yes, sir." She nodded.

"And finally..." His gaze went past Freya. "Eren. Learn how to restrain yourself. Don't succumb to rage and lose sight of the goal. We can't afford another mistake."

Eren swallowed. "Yes, sir."

Out on the open grounds where wagons and horses line out for their departure, Freya hauled herself over a brown stallion. Her hands reached behind her head, fingers gripping the black ribbon tied loosely around her hair. She tightened it with a quick tug, but not before noticing a figure come into the corner of her eye with slow and silent strides. She dropped her hands to her lap, raising a brow. "What? No goodbye for me?"

Levi wouldn't look at her. Head turned to the side, giving her a view at the sharpness of his taught jawline as he crossed his arms. Grey eyes distant. She watched as his throat bobbed, a deep exhale coming after that he tried to conceal, white puffs of air drifting from his mouth. "She's fine." Was all he stoically said. "I made sure of it."

Her features turned into perplexity. "What?"

"Move!" Hange's direct order resonated in her ears at the unpleasant timing. Freya opened her mouth, a second away from questioning Levi when cadets around her began to proceed with a quick pace on their horses. Pursing her lips together at the thought of not wanting to be left behind, she gripped the reins of her horse tight, turning away from Levi before moving.

She couldn't help but peek a glance past her shoulder one last time and towards him as she caught up behind Hange. The sound of hooves clacking on the cobbled roads echoing in the busy district as they headed towards the gate, refugees from Wall Rose parting to the side to make way for their leave. His back was turned from her, walking away and into the stationed building. It was only then as she returned her attention to the front that her breath hitched in the back of her throat.

Blue gaze flitted to the little girl slumping down against the sidewalk. The very girl who moments ago had cried, sobbed in the air that she didn't want to be left. Lost and alone. Only this time, she wasn't. There was a beaming smile on her face. Tears dried on rosy cheeks. A mother's arms wrapped around her frame. And a little boy laughing by her side. His eyes glossy from pooling tears. A relieved look etched on his young face.

She hated it. The virile appetency and longing that surged in her. Envy in her veins that it gnawed her insides as time seemed to have hindered for her. Slow and tarrying with each tic, watching the scene unfold with wide and derisive blues. It presently made sense to her. His words. Why he couldn't look her in the eye. Her heart clenched. Stomach fluttering at the feeling that swelled in her bones. She didn't know what it was. What the sudden emotion that passed through her that had her heart beating against her rib cage. Despite the enviousness that clashed with an unknown feeling, she exhaled a shaky breath, her mouth curving up into a small smile.

"She'll be fine."

•••

— AUTHOR NOTE —

ahhhhh this book just got 50k reads, thank u guys, this means so much i was a day late posting this cause school kept sending me emails about all my missing work and i basically spent all week trying to catch up lmao. my mind is still on vacation but i hope u like this one