Chapter 19: Decisions

Asher

“Hey, Moon Goddess, it’s me again,” I mutter, sitting cross-legged under the oak tree. “While the dilemma I came with last time is at least somewhat resolved, now I’ve got another doozy.”

To follow Genevieve or not to follow Genevieve, that is the question.

There’s no denying that there would be risk involved. If she figured out that I was stalking her movements to collect information that could help me overthrow her, she’d kill me. Or worse.

But if I don’t, where does that leave me? In the same spot I’ve always been? Where she may kill me in a fit of rage on a random Tuesday afternoon?

And if I don’t do it, will Margaery take it upon herself? I don’t want her to put herself in danger. It would hurt more to watch Genevive hurt her than if I were in the crossfire. But, then again, it is concerning that Margaery was ready to offer me up for the job.

Maybe I shouldn’t read too much into that, though. Perhaps she thinks I’ll do better at tracking her because of the mate bond? Even if it’s the bane of my existence, I can still use it to my advantage. And since she doesn’t have a mark, it’s unlikely that she’ll notice I’m harnessing it to find her. My mark pulses a bit whenever she uses it to track me, but she wouldn’t have that symptom.

It’s wrong to stalk people, Cato warns.

It’s wrong that she abuses us, Cato! How can you continually justify this?

She’s our mate! You’re sitting in the presence of the Moon Goddess while plotting against the woman She gave you! This is sacrilege!

I think it’s time we accept that my mate bond with Genevive is not as pure as we thought. Whether it’s the Night God or not, I don’t know. Someone made a mistake when they put us together—a cruel one with grave consequences.

But…

But what, Cato? What could you possibly have to say to defend her?

I’m not! I’m just saying that maybe we can do better. Maybe-

There are no excuses or justifications for what happened the other night. She could have killed us. What would you have said then? Oh, right, nothing, because you would have been fucking dead!

But she didn’t! She showed restraint, right? Maybe that means there’s still hope!

I can hear the desperation dripping from his voice. All I feel is anger toward her, the kind of uncontrollable rage that may get me in trouble, but he’s still in denial. He desperately doesn’t want this to be the reality because it means we may never find our one true love.

But does that matter? I’d rather live the rest of my life alone than with someone who treats me this way.

Can you answer me?

“I don’t know what to tell you, Cato,” I mutter.

It was just so good in the beginning. Wasn’t it? Am I crazy for feeling that way?

No, you’re not. She was incredible in the beginning. But that was a long time ago, Cato. Don’t you see the pattern?

I… I just don’t want to accept that. There must be something we can do. We should try to help her! Maybe she’s in trouble? We shouldn’t abandon her when she needs us.

For fuck’s sake, Cato! Do you hear yourself? Even if she is mentally ill, she doesn’t see or want to fix it. We can’t force her to do that. Nor should we because we could fucking die in the process.

But she’s our mate! I love her!

You may love her, but she does not love us.

That’s not true!

Yes, it is! Would you ever hurt someone you love? Would you ever physically harm her?

No.

So explain how she can do the same to us, then turn around and ask for sex the next day? Is that not gross manipulation? Can you see it now?

You’re just looking for the worst in her to justify your feelings for Rose. What, did you have some spiritual awakening in the last week that’s made you realize all this shit? You were saying the same things over and over and over not too long ago!

I know, Cato.

I sigh, burying my head in my hands. I’m sure my self-loathing didn’t help the situation with Cato. I fed into it. I beat him down to smithereens in the beginning. Just as Genevive abused me, I abused him.

I abused myself.

How am I going to heal this? How will I heal him because I know I can’t do it without him.

You should stop seeing Rose. That’s when all these thoughts got in your head about leaving our mate. Genevive has probably noticed you drawing away, and that’s why things have worsened.

Even if I were sleeping with Rose, which I’m not, that doesn’t justify what Genevive did! If anything, I need to see Rose more to make sure I don’t slip back into these old habits. She only made me see that I deserve better. We deserve better, Cato. Don’t you believe that?

Do you?

I choke on my breath, tilting my head back to take in the tree.

Part of me does, but there’s still a part that doesn’t. A piece that is hurt after being belittled for so long. The part of me that’s embarrassed for what happened and thinks I’m less of a man because of it.

The part of my brain that plays the memory of choking to death on a loop at all hours. I want it to go away. I want to stop thinking about it. It’s as if I have to relive it again and again and again. Maybe that’ll fade with time, but part of me knows it won’t.

“Fuck,” I croak, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “Why, Moon Goddess? Why would you do this to me? Do you hate me so much?”

No answer. Not that I was expecting one.

Asher-

Stop. I don’t want to speak with you right now. I want to be alone.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I-

“Cato, I told you to stop!” I scream. “I need to think. I need to make a decision about Genevive, and it’s clear what your input is. But you can’t stop me if I decide to go through with it anyway. So, I need to think.”

He doesn’t answer, and I’m grateful for that. I’m unsure how much more of his argument I can take before he convinces me of the lies we’ve been telling ourselves again.

I can’t go back to the way it was. I just can’t.

I need to find a way out. And if trailing Genevive will help me do that, then so be it.

Rose

“Well, look who has risen from the dead!” Victor celebrates as I walk into the office. “Oh, wait, maybe that’s not the best saying?”

“You’re so funny, Victor; I forgot to laugh,” I deadpan, setting my things down with a huff.

“Jeez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the coffin,” he teases, walking to my desk and sitting on the edge of it. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“Uhm, about how you disappeared for a whole day?” He exclaims. “Listen, I didn’t go to your house to harass you into coming in because I know you like being alone when upset. But now that you’re here, it would probably be good to talk about it. Get it off your chest.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Victor,” I answer, rubbing my forehead. “I’m exhausted and just need to finish my work since I’m behind.”

“Rose,” he repeats, his voice firm as he grabs my chin gently. “You are my best friend, and I love you. I know you’re my boss, but that doesn’t change anything. So, stop treating me like your employee right now and start talking to me like I’m your best friend. Because I know I am. I mean, come on.”

I blush, taking his hand in mine, grateful for his incessant care. It feels good that someone loves me, especially when I was so down in the dumps about it last night. Victor has always been there. My ride or die.

I hate lying to him.

“I appreciate it, Vic. And you are my best friend. I’m not ready to open up about it since the emotions are still raw. You know I’m the solo type. It’s not anything to do with you.”

“Are you sure?” He asks. “Talking about it might make you feel better.”

“What would make me feel better is focusing on something else,” I reply, meaning it. “So, if you could fill me in on what I missed yesterday, that would be great.”

“If you say so,” he mutters reluctantly as he stands straight, crossing his arms over his chest. I can tell he’s a little peeved by my resistance to talk to him, but he’ll get over it. He knows me well enough to know that I don’t really share my emotions with anyone except for him. He just has to be patient. “There isn’t much to report. Except we got word that Luna Genevieve has been telling other Alphas in the area that Alpha Evander from River Run has been trying to screw her over with shitty trade deals. She’s pretty heated about it, from what I’ve heard.”

Shit.

So he took my advice, then? He threw River Run under the bus. Part of me thought he wouldn’t because he has such high integrity, but maybe he was put in a position where he had to.

As angry as I am about what he did, my stomach twists. I hate to think that he was forced into a corner. He must have been since he was very reluctant when we spoke.

“You alright?” Victor asks. “You went off into space a bit there.”

“Yeah, just wondering what could have led up to that,” I answer. “And what it means for us.”

“Hopefully, it means her ire will be directed elsewhere.”

“At least we have that going for us,” I say with a chuckle, feeling the urge to see Asher again.

I want to check on him. Make sure he’s safe. But how? Does he think I hate him? Will he come back to the cabin?

“There’s something I need to do,” I announce.

“What? You just got here!”

“I know, but with this information, I think I need to do some digging.”