Chapter 8: : Chapter 8

AS SOON AS we park on State Street, Travis turns to me. “So what’s up with you and Cole?”

I force a smile as my gut sinks. I hate having to explain why Cole’s overprotectiveness doesn’t mean he wants me.

“Nothing,” I say. “We’re just very close, and he’s always been protective of me.”

Travis’s eyes widen. “He’s, like, insane. What was with the bacon and him telling you that you have to eat it all? Is he your nutritionist?”

My smile grows. “I know. Honestly though, he’s like that with everyone.”

“No.” Travis shakes his head. “I mean, I haven’t hung out with him a ton since he left for college, but every time I have, he’s had a girl with him, and he was never like that with any of them.”

“Well, you probably haven’t seen him with his brother or sister. He can be really bossy with them too, but he doesn’t mean to be. He has a really kind and caring heart.”

Travis smiles. “You’re sweet. So does that mean you’re kind of like a sister to him?”

I open my mouth and close it as something flutters in my belly. A few days ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes, and just saying that small word would’ve left me dejected, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m inexperienced, but he really seemed to like kissing me, and he wasn’t able to keep his eyes off my chest today.

Maybe he’s starting to see me as a sexual being rather than a naive little girl.

“We have a really close platonic friendship,” I say, because it’s the truth.

Travis grins. “Can I kiss you then?”

Heat washes over my face. My gaze is drawn to the passenger window and the people walking by on the sidewalk.

I lick my bottom lip, my heart starting to race. I put my palm over my mouth. “I just ate ten pieces of bacon.”

Travis stares at me blankly for a moment before a smile spreads over his face. “I don’t mind. I love bacon.”

A tight smile twitches at my lips, and I curse myself for my nervousness. I’m twenty-one years old, for crying out loud. I should be long accustomed to kisses in the car.

I have to do this. This is the part of being young that I’ve been missing out on all these years.

“Do you have a mint?” My voice is small.

As if snapping out of a daze, Travis’s eyes pop open and start darting around his car. He opens his glove compartment and rustles around a bit before going to the center console and throwing objects into the backseat by the handful. “Fuck,” he finally says. “I’ll be right back.”

He hops out of the car and darts down the sidewalk in the direction of the corner gas station.

Goodness, he really wants to kiss me. I ought to be flattered, and yet sickness stirs in my stomach.

It seems like less than a minute has passed before Travis jogs back to the car. He’s a little out of breath as he hops in and tosses a small green square on my lap.

“Trident.” I unwrap the gum and pop a square into my mouth. “It reminds me of my grandma.”

A small smile tugs at Travis’s lips. “That’s exactly what I wanted to do—remind you of your grandma right before I kiss you.”

A hysterical giggle is pulled from my chest, nervousness prickling like wildfire over my skin now that the moment has come.

“I’m sorry if I’m overly eager,” he says.

I shake my head jerkily. “You’re fine. It’s just that I’m a twenty-one-year-old virgin, and even something as small as a kiss makes me really nervous.”

“Yeah…” His eyes look almost dazed. “I can’t believe you’re still a virgin. I thought everyone at First Covenant was full of shit about all that waiting-until-marriage stuff. I definitely was. One time, I even fingered my girlfriend in the parking lot after youth group.”

My eyes must be huge, because he grins and squeezes my hand. “I hope you don’t think less of me.”

“I don’t. It’s healthy to explore your sexuality when you’re young. But hearing things like that always makes me feel…so behind. I’m such an outlier, even compared to other Christians my age.

You’ve all lived these full lives that I can’t relate to.”

“There’s plenty of time to catch up.”

When I glance up, he’s leaning forward. His eyes are molten, and it brings me back to that moment just before Cole kissed me. There’s a churning in my gut when our lips touch, but it’s okay. How can I enjoy a kiss when I’m this nervous? Travis nibbles on my lip before slipping his tongue inside my mouth. On impulse, I pull back.

“Too much?” he asks.

“No.” I swallow. “It was fine.”

When I shoot him my best smile, his face falls. “Oh God, that was a bad kiss, huh? That’s what you’re thinking. I can tell that’s what you’re thinking.”

His vulnerability washes away all my nervousness. This I can handle. I set my hand on his. “No, it’s not that. Honestly, I’m so nervous that I’m in my head.”

“That’s not a good sign. A good kiss should take you out of your head. It probably means you don’t have chemistry with me.”

Goodness, I used to employ this same kind of romantic thinking with Cole. He couldn’t care for me so much, couldn’t be so protective and make me such a priority in his life if he didn’t have some kind of deep feelings for me. He couldn’t be everything I wanted in a husband—strong and commanding but also sweet and thoughtful—if God hadn’t designed him for me.

“I reject that kind of thinking,” I say, “and you should too.”

His brow knits. “What do you mean?”

“Not everything is black and white. All or nothing. I only had my first kiss recently because I thought even one sexual encounter would taint my purity.”

Travis cringes. “Yeah, I find all that stuff creepy now.”

“It’s really creepy, and so is thinking one awkward kiss means two people don’t have chemistry.”

He chuckles. “I’m not sure if that makes me feel better, but I’ll take it.”

I smile warmly. I didn’t expect him to be so vulnerable.

“Can we go inside now?” I ask. “I’m thinking maybe I’ll be less nervous after a drink.”

He squeezes my hand. “Sure. Let’s get you good and drunk.”

Though my stomach grows queasy at the thought, it doesn’t mean I’m not going to do just that. I’ll never get over this nervousness if I don’t try new things.

When I step out of the car, the damp ocean air hits my chest, sending a wave of tingling shame over my skin. When I look down at my boobs, a strip of nude tape is visible on my right side. I take a moment to adjust myself before looking up.

My stomach drops.

Cole is standing with his back against the concrete wall of the bar. His jaw is set, and his eyes are blazing. I don’t even need to ask if he saw Travis and I kiss in the car.

A RAGING heat pulses through my veins. Oh fuck, I can’t do this. I can’t stand by and watch her kiss other guys.

I’m going to lose my mind.

Those big brown eyes widen as she strides in my direction. Travis walks closely beside her. Too close, like he thinks he owns her.

Why can’t I keep these territorial impulses in check? For years, I’ve prepared myself for the day she’d meet her perfect Christian guy. I knew I’d have to plant a smile on my face and force myself to get to know him, even as I wanted to punch his asshole face.

I would get over it eventually. There’s no way I could let possessiveness jeopardize the most perfect thing in my life, especially if she found someone who made her really happy.

At least, that’s what I told myself.

Oh God, what if I can’t? Watching someone else press his lips against hers was agony, and Travis isn’t even a real threat. He says he’s religious, but he’s nothing like her. She would never consider him for anything long term.

I have to get this under control. With effort, I smile as she approaches me. “I already know what I’m ordering for your first drink.”

She smiles back. “That sounds—”

“No, I called it already.”

I turn toward Travis. “You called what?”

“Her first drink.” His words are matter of fact. “I called it in the car.”

I frown. “Are you seven years old?”

A small smile tugs at his lips. “I’m getting her a Mai Tai. She loves fruity drinks.”

I shake my head sharply. “A Mai Tai is way too strong for her.”

“I—” Livvy starts but then closes her mouth when Travis starts talking.

“Dude, you already force-fed her bacon. I think she’s fine now, Daddy Cole.”

He’s just trying to goad me, probably because he knows I saw that kiss. Travis always pulls shit like this. He gets under people’s skin for fun. Why didn’t I notice what a dick he is before tonight?

I take a deep breath and turn to Livvy. “I’ll get you a strawberry daiquiri later, okay?” I look at her sternly. “In an hour. You’re only having one drink an hour.”

When she sucks in her lips to fight a smile, heat creeps into my cheeks. “I just don’t want you to get sick.”

She smiles in earnest now, and her chest shakes with silent laughter. “I know.”

I exhale. “I’m sorry. I’m not used to having you out at the bars with me, but I promise I’ll stay back and let you have a good time.”

Travis pats my shoulder. “Why don’t you start now? I’ll take her in. How about you drive my car to my apartment? It’s literally two minutes from here, and my roommate can drive you back.”

I stare at him blankly. When he lifts his keys in my direction, heat washes over my skin. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No.” He shrugs. “I don’t want it to get stolen, and you’re staying sober, so what else are you going to do?”

“I’m not your fucking valet. You can drive it yourself.”

A faint smile twinges his lips. “Nah, I’m ready to drink, and she’s having a good time with me. Don’t kill the vibe.”

When he sets his hand on her shoulder, I clench my teeth to fight the childish urge to reach out and pull her away from him.

Why am I letting him do this? He’s almost laughing he’s enjoying my irritation so much.

“‘Don’t kill the vibe’?” I frown. “You sound like a fucking idiot—”

“Cole, enough!”

Livvy’s uncharacteristic shout startles me, and when I glance at her, my stomach sinks. Oh God, I hate it when she looks at me like that. It’s so rare that it happens, and it means I really fucked up.

Her frown deepens. “I’m getting sick to death of hearing you both argue like little boys. You weren’t even letting me talk.”

Travis chuckles. “I’m sorry, Livvy. I was just fucking with h—”

“Let me finish! I need a minute away from both of you, but especially you, Cole. You keep saying over and over again that you want me to have a good time, but I don’t think I believe you anymore.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “It seems like you’re only thinking about yourself and how want things to go tonight.”

“I’m sorry.” My voice is soft. “I really do want you to have fun.”

She stares at me for a long moment. “I think you should drive Travis’s car to his place, if only to give me a few minutes to myself.”

My stomach hollows. Oh God, I hate it when she banishes me from her presence. She’s only done it a handful of times when she’s been really angry with me, and usually never for more than a few minutes, but it always fills me with the irrational desire to throw myself at her feet and beg her to never leave me.

“I can do that.”

She nods once. “I’m heading inside to find the others.” When she starts toward the bar and Travis follows her, she turns to him and lifts a hand. “I want you to give me a minute, too. As someone who’s been a designated driver more times than I can count, I can tell you I’ve felt really used when people have treated me like their chauffeur.”

Travis nods quickly. “I should have thought of that.”

As soon as she walks inside the bar, Travis bursts into laughter. “Dude, what just happened? Are we in time-out?” He shakes his head. “God, she’s cute.”

I roll my eyes, unable to even slightly share his glee when I’m in the doghouse. “Shut up. I’m so fucking annoyed with you.”

His laughter grows louder. “Thank you for calling me an idiot.” He can barely get the words out as he lifts his keys in my direction. “That worked out really well for me.”

I roll my eyes as I take them from his hand. “I think I might crash your car for fun.”

“You do that. I’m sure your rich-ass parents have great insurance. Well, I’d better go find my girl.”

He grins like a moron before turning around and walking inside the bar, and I wish I didn’t want to throw his keys into the gutter. He probably only taunted me so he could tell our old baseball team that I lost my shit over a strawberry daiquiri. He isn’t a real threat when it comes to Livvy, but, oh God, this is all so much harder than I thought it would be.

She’s so much bolder than I expected, and now that I’ve been banished and forced to play valet to the douchebag who just gave her her second ever kiss, it’s time to finally admit that I never thought she would really go through with any of this. I thought maybe she would have a drink or two. Maybe she would wear a dress that at least considered slutty. And maybe she would flirt in her own shy way, but the rest of it… No way.

Does this mean she’s really going to lose her virginity at the end of the summer to some guy she hardly knows?

.

Fuck, I need to think.

As Travis predicted, it takes me only two minutes to drive to his apartment complex. I don’t bother calling his roommate after I park his car, much preferring a walk through the chilly evening air as I sort out my thoughts.

What am I going to do? I don’t think I can stomach letting her lose her virginity to a stranger, but what if I have sex with her and everything changes between us?

Both options are miserable, but I think I can predict what I’m going to do. Some deep, primitive part of me knows I won’t be able to let her do it with someone else, no matter how many times I tell myself that sex could put our friendship at risk. If I have to witness any more of this—other guys touching and kissing her—I’m inevitably going to give in.

Why do I have to be like this? I’ve brought women around her countless times, and she’s never been territorial with me. Why can’t I be as mature as she is?

My head isn’t any less muddled by the time I make it inside the bar. It takes me less than a minute to find her. My gaze always seems to be drawn to her like a magnet. I stand for a moment to watch her. She looks up at Travis while he talks, and her stiff posture is a sign she’s nervous. This place is a lot more crowded than I expected it would be on a Thursday night. I should have picked a dive bar, if only to give her more space.

She takes a small sip of her yellow drink, and I can tell by the slight tightening of her mouth afterward that she doesn’t like it. I roll my eyes. Fucking Travis. I told him the Mai Tai would be too strong for her, and she would never in a million years tell him she doesn’t like it.

When I get close, she turns to me, and I shoot her a contrite smile. I raise my voice over the crowd noise. “Was that enough time, or are you still mad at me?”

She sets her soft hand on my arm, and it makes my gut clench. Her signature arm grab used to be the only kind of touch I could handle from her.

Not anymore.

“I’m not mad.” She lifts her head in the direction of my ear, and even though I know she’s going to tell me something, my whole body grows tense in anticipation. I’ve always had to brace myself whenever her mouth gets anywhere near my body.

“That was really sweet of you to take his car home.” Her warm breath tickles my ear, sending tingles down my spine. “Even though he was rude.”

“I deserved it.” I glance at Travis and back at her. “Would you mind if we went outside and talked for a bit?”

She smiles wide, and, oh God, it’s heaven to be back in her good graces. After saying something to Travis, she slips off her bar stool and starts making her way through the crowd. I set my hand on her shoulder to guide her to the back patio, and just that small touch sends electricity into my gut.

After her proposition yesterday, every brush of her skin sets me on fire.

As soon as I find a secluded spot on the patio, I turn to her. “I’ve been really overbearing tonight, and I’m sorry. I need to give you more space.”

She smiles sadly. “I only needed a minute. Of course I want to spend time with you on my first wild night out.”

“Yeah, but I’m not letting you be wild. I don’t know why I’m like this with you. I know being sheltered doesn’t mean you need a babysitter, but I just…” I run a hand through my hair. “I don’t know. I have no chill, and I hate it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Her smile grows. “You’re a very protective daddy.”

I snort, shutting my eyes. Of course she would say that right now.

“I bet you like it when girls call you Daddy in the bedroom, huh?”

My eyes pop open. “What?” I nearly shout.

Her expression grows hesitant. “I was just teasing.”

“Did you know that’s a thing?”

Her gaze falls to the concrete. “Well, yeah. Mari’s told me some things…”

“Is that what you’ve meant this whole time whenever you’ve called me Daddy?”

Her cheeks grow pink. Fuck, I’m embarrassing her, but I need to find out. I’ll go crazy if I don’t.

“Well, yeah,” she says, “but I was just trying to be funny.”

I take a deep breath to calm myself. “It is funny.”

“I just had no clue you were making a sexual joke.”

Her brow furrows. “Sometimes it’s like you think I’m a little kid. I have a lot of gaps in my knowledge because of the way I was raised, but I’m not stupid.”

“Of course you’re not stupid, and I don’t think you’re a little kid.” My gaze drifts to her chest as I reach out and touch her shoulder. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I was just surprised. And for the record, I don’t like being called Daddy—” I smile faintly, “—by anyone except you.”

Her gaze snaps to my face, and her eyes grow wide. “Are you being serious?”

I laugh softly. “I am.”

“Why only by me?”

“I don’t know. It makes me feel…some things.”

She takes a step in my direction. “What kind of things?”

Fuck, this is dangerous. I need to be certain this is the right thing before I start telling her what I’ve really been thinking all these years. “I don’t want to keep you out here too long. Mari will kill me if she knows I’ve stolen you away from everyone.”

Her face falls. She stares at me for a moment before nodding. “And I don’t want Travis to think I’m ditching him. I’ve actually had a lot of fun with him tonight.”

My spine goes rigid. “Livvy, he’s a fucking idiot.”

She raises her brows. “Yeah, you said that already. My sister used to call me an idiot when she was mad. When she was in elementary school.”

I smile sheepishly. “I know I acted like a child earlier, but… You’re way too good for him. I’ve never liked him all that much. I mean, he’s fine. I tolerate him, but he’s not for you.”

“That’s for me to decide.”

I grit my teeth. “He was trying to piss me off earlier. He always does that kind of shit, especially when we go out drinking. You can’t stand people like that. Why would you have any interest in him?”

“He’s non-threatening.” Her voice is notably softer. “I’m nervous about all this. I’m nervous to get drunk. I’m nervous to kiss. It helps to hang out with someone I don’t have a crazy crush on, because it lowers the pressure. I don’t feel like I have to be a really good kisser.”

I look away from her, not wanting her to see how much I hate this. How much the idea of her kissing another guy makes me want to throw her over my shoulder and take her away from here. “I just wish…”

“What?”

“I wish you would take my advice.”

“What advice?”

“If you’re really going to push through with this whole contract thing, wait until you find a guy you could actually be with long term. Maybe not for the kissing, but for losing your virginity. I know you well, and I think you’ll be happier if you lose your virginity to someone you can at least see yourself being in a relationship with.”

“I’m not ruling that out.”

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“Maybe I could be in a relationship with Travis. It doesn’t feel like it now, but I’m open to it. He and I had a nice heart-to-heart in the car.”

“Livvy, he’s not religious. Not like you. He hasn’t mentioned God or church once in the years that I’ve known him.”

“I know he’s not, but my faith has evolved. I don’t need to be with a Christian anymore.”

An otherworldly energy settles over me, and my ears start to ring. “What?” My voice is a croak.

She nods like it’s nothing, like she’s just telling me about a movie she saw yesterday. “My partner’s faith, or lack thereof, has nothing to do with mine. My relationship with Jesus is deeply personal.”

“When…” I take a deep breath through my nose. “When did you decide this?”

She purses her lips to the side and narrows her eyes. “I guess it’s come on slowly over this last year. I’ve been reflecting a lot about purity culture, and this is tied to it. I was taught that I needed a Christian husband to be my spiritual leader, and I find all of that toxic now. I need to be my own spiritual leader, so it might actually be better for me to be with someone outside of my faith, someone who can help me see other perspectives and challenge me.”

I nod slowly, unable to craft a response to that. Why does it feel like the whole world shifted, just like it did years ago? Except this time, everything is glowing. Warmth rushes through my veins, and her beautiful face is sparkling. What is this feeling?

I think it might be hope.

“You really changed your mind?”

A small notch forms between her brows. “Cole…”

I swallow. “What?”

“You seem like you’re really affected by what I just told you.”

“Yeah,” I scoff. “It’s pretty big news.”

She stares at me for a moment. “It’s big for me, but is there a reason it’s significant for you?”

Another blanket of warmth drifts over me. Oh God, I could actually be with her, just like I wanted all those years ago. But this time, I wouldn’t have to go to church. I wouldn’t have to resign myself to lying to her every single day by pretending like I believe in something that still feels imaginary, even after the year I spent trying to make it real. I could just…be with her.

Why am I even considering it?

I’ve always known that her rigid religious background is a blessing in disguise. It’s the only reason I still have her in my life, so why do I feel like she opened door of possibilities?

Fuck, I need to think.

“It’s a little noisy out here,” I say, “and I want to give you my full attention when we talk about this. Why don’t you get back in there and find the others? I’ll be right in.”

Something flashes across her face. It looks a little like hurt, but I can’t think about that right now. I absolutely need some space to think, or I might do something really impulsive like tell her I’ve been waiting for this moment since the day I met her.

In a flash, she’s gone. How did she leave so quickly? Fuck, the whole world is buzzing, like I’ve taken a strong hit from a bong.

I walk to the edge of the patio, grip the cold metal bars, and squeeze tightly. A breeze brushes over my face, and it feels like heaven. I glance at the evening sky, and a deep ache pulls at my chest.

Why does the whole world look beautiful?

A relationship with her wouldn’t last, even if we both fell in love. It would all fade away eventually, and then I would have nothing left.

Oh God, what am I going to do?