Chapter 4: chapter 3: you deserve to feel free

As the school year went on, Gyuvin and Ricky grew closer in ways neither of them had expected. Ricky regularly came over to Gyuvin's place for study sessions, which often turned into video game marathons or sleepovers when it got too late to go home.

That evening, rain hammered against the windows, blurring the outside world into a mess of gray. Gyuvin sat at the table with his little brother and sister, watching them finish their dinner. His sister, completely engrossed in a cartoon on her iPad, had bits of rice stuck near her mouth. Gyuvin smiled and gently wiped her face with a napkin.

"You're such a mess," he teased softly.

She pouted. "No, I'm not."

Before he could respond, a sudden knock at the door interrupted them. Gyuvin's brows furrowed. "Mom must've forgotten her keys again," he muttered as he stood up.

But when he opened the door, it wasn't his mother. It was Ricky—soaked to the bone, raindrops clinging to his pale skin and dripping from his hair onto the porch. For a moment, Gyuvin was hit with déjà vu, flashing back to their first chaotic encounter when Ricky had been drenched by the sink. But this was different.

Gyuvin's stomach tightened with concern. "Ricky?" he asked, voice laced with worry. "What are you doing here? It's pouring! Did you walk the whole way?" His questions tumbled out in rapid succession. "Why didn't you call? Are you okay?"

Ricky didn't answer right away. He stood there, silent, his expression unreadable. The weight of whatever had driven him here was palpable. Finally, in a quiet, almost broken voice, he said, "Can I please stay?"

Gyuvin's heart clenched. "Of course," he said immediately, stepping aside. His voice softened as he added, "You don't even have to ask."

Ricky walked in without a word, his shoes squeaking on the hardwood floor. Gyuvin glanced back at his siblings, who were now staring wide-eyed.

As they entered Gyuvin's room, the warm air contrasting sharply with the cold rain outside, Gyuvin immediately headed to his closet. Without a word, he pulled out a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants and handed them to Ricky.

"Change into these," Gyuvin said simply.

Ricky nodded, his expression blank. He took the clothes and quietly changed, his movements mechanical. Once dressed, he sat cross-legged on the floor, staring at a spot on the wall as if lost in thought.

Gyuvin watched him from the bed, lips pressing together in concern. After a moment, he grabbed a towel and, without warning, draped it over Ricky's head.

"What—" Ricky said, startled.

"Hold still," Gyuvin muttered, gently drying Ricky's damp hair. They sat in comfortable silence, the only sound the soft rustling of the towel.

When Gyuvin was done, he tossed the towel aside and slid down to sit in front of Ricky, folding his legs beneath him. He met Ricky's gaze, soft but steady.

"You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to," Gyuvin said carefully. "But if you want to talk... I'm here. Like, really here. No judgment, no pressure. Just me listening."

Ricky's lips parted, but no words came out. He tried again, stammering, "I—it's—" He stopped, visibly frustrated. His shoulders tensed as he struggled to form a coherent sentence.

Gyuvin didn't rush him, simply nodding as if to say, Take your time.

Finally, Ricky took a shaky breath and spoke. "I got into a fight with my dad." His voice was low and strained. "At dinner. He just got back from China."

Gyuvin's brow furrowed, but he stayed silent, letting Ricky continue.

"It was over... dumb stuff. I don't even know how it started," Ricky admitted, his voice breaking slightly. "But he said things. Really harsh things."

As Ricky delved deeper into the memory, his eyes glistened. His hands clenched into fists on his lap, and despite his best efforts to hold it in, tears began to well up. His breath hitched as he fought to maintain composure.

Embarrassed, Ricky quickly turned his face away from Gyuvin, hiding it in the crook of his arm. "Sorry," he muttered, his voice muffled. "I'm being so dumb right now."

Gyuvin's heart softened as he watched Ricky hiding his face, shoulders trembling slightly. There was something undeniably endearing about how vulnerable Ricky was in that moment. Without thinking, Gyuvin reached out and gently patted his head.

He's really a kitten, Gyuvin thought with a faint smile.

"Hey," Gyuvin said softly, trying to coax Ricky out of his shell. "Look at me."

Ricky hesitated but slowly lifted his face, his eyes glassy and red-rimmed. Before Ricky could process it, Gyuvin grabbed his cheeks, squishing them slightly.

Gyuvin wiped the lingering tears from Ricky's face with his thumbs. "Seriously, Ricky. You can always come here, okay? Even live here at this point—I swear my mom would adopt you in a heartbeat. All doors are open for you. Always," Gyuvin said, making Ricky's chest ache.

And then, Gyuvin pulled Ricky into a hug, wrapping his arms around him tightly.

Ricky stiffened at first, completely caught off guard. But after a moment, something inside him melted. Slowly, tentatively, he hugged Gyuvin back, his grip tightening as if holding onto something steady after being lost at sea.

"Thanks," Ricky whispered against Gyuvin's shoulder, his voice barely audible.

"Anytime," Gyuvin murmured, not letting go. They stayed like that for a while.

The school was practically vibrating with excitement as the upcoming ball was the main topic of each conversation. Everyone was discussing outfits, dance partners, and other stuff.

Gunwook was spiraling. "How do I even invite her?" he groaned, referring to Hanni Pham, a girl a year older who he admired but had never exchanged more than awkward glances with.

Gyuvin clapped Gunwook on the back. "Dude, just grow some balls and ask her. What are you even afraid of? You're literally built like a centaur."

Gunwook glared. "Yeah, well, if you're such an expert, who are you going with, Gyuvin?"

"Sullyoon," Gyuvin said confidently. "Obviously. If you're gonna aim, aim high, right?"

"Good luck with that." Junhyeon shook his head. "She's so out of your league."

Then they turned to Ricky, who had been zoning out, staring blankly out the window with an expression of pure indifference.

Junhyeon nudged him. "Yo, Ricky. Who are you taking?"

"No one," Ricky answered without looking away from the rain outside.

"No one?" Gunwook echoed in disbelief. "Why not?"

"I'm just not interested in anyone," Ricky said flatly, as though this were the most obvious thing in the world.

Junhyeon blinked. "Damn, bro, so mysterious."

"He's like that second-lead in dramas who never gets the girl but has all the fan edits," Gyuvin grinned.

"Mr. Nonchalant," Junhyeon declared dramatically.

Ricky rolled his eyes. "Thanks, I guess."

Junhyeon sat up straighter. "Hey, at least I'm not the one giving up before trying. Unlike you all, I got a system."

Gunwook frowned. "What system?"

Junhyeon pulled a wrinkled paper out of his pocket and proudly unfolded it. "I made a printed list of girls to ask out. I've already been rejected by three, but I got five more."

"What is this—speed dating?"  Gyuvin asked.

"Hey," Junhyeon defended, "This is called efficiency. I don't even have to waste time thinking—just move down the list."

The streets were slick from the afternoon rain as Ricky and Gyuvin walked side by side, their usual route home for tutoring. The cool breeze swept through the air, and Gyuvin occasionally kicked at puddles with playful abandon. Ricky, however, seemed quieter than usual.

"You okay?" Gyuvin asked, glancing at him.

Ricky sighed. "It's just all this ball fuss that exhausted me. It's so overrated."

Gyuvin laughed. "Overrated? It's a teenage experience. Dancing, dressing up, cheesy confessions—it's like a checklist for high school clichés. You should invite someone."

Ricky shot him a flat look. "No."

"Why not?"

"I don't like anyone at school," Ricky said firmly.

Gyuvin snorted. "Same."

Ricky raised an eyebrow. "Then why are you taking Sullyoon?"

Gyuvin grinned mischievously. "For poops and giggles."

Ricky blinked. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, there's no one at school who really fits my type."

They walked a few more steps in silence before Gyuvin suddenly stopped in his tracks, causing Ricky to halt too.

"What?" Ricky asked, confused.

Gyuvin tilted his head, staring at Ricky's face with unnerving focus. His eyes roamed from Ricky's pale skin to his wide eyes and down to the subtle pout of his lips.

Ricky blinked, feeling thoroughly scrutinized. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

A playful grin spread across Gyuvin's face. "You're totally my type."

Ricky's eyes widened. "What?"

"Pale skin, big eyes, kinda mysterious vibes... plus you're cute and fun to tease," Gyuvin said casually, as if listing groceries. "If you were a girl, I'd totally take you to the ball."

Ricky's brain short-circuited. "You—you can't just say stuff like that."

Gyuvin laughed, nudging him with his elbow. "Why not? It's true."

Ricky looked away, his face heating up. "You're such an idiot."

"And yet, you hang out with me every day," Gyuvin teased, throwing an arm over Ricky's shoulder.

Ricky finally found his voice. "You're seriously the worst."

"And you're still here," Gyuvin shot back, grinning.

Ricky collapsed face-first onto his bed, the familiar scent of his sheets doing little to calm the storm inside him. His mind replayed the scene from earlier—Gyuvin standing way too close, smiling mischievously, and saying "You're totally my type."

What the hell was Gyuvin even thinking, saying stuff like that so casually? Ricky clenched his fists against the mattress. He knew Gyuvin was just being playful—Gyuvin was always like that, effortlessly charming and oblivious to the effect he had on people. Especially on Ricky.

And that was the problem.

Ricky had always known who he was. His sexuality wasn't a secret to himself—he'd come to terms with being gay long before this chaotic chapter of his life started. But knowing didn't make it easier when he was friends with someone like Gyuvin.

He thought back to the first time they met, on that absurdly chaotic day with the broken sink. Even then, Gyuvin had stood out. Tall, with sharp but soft features, and that damn puppy-like face that ticked every box in Ricky's imaginary list.

But crushes were one thing—manageable, even dismissible. Friendship? That was harder. As they grew closer, Ricky found himself tangled in moments he couldn't ignore. The way Gyuvin would lean in too close, his breath warm on Ricky's skin. The way their hands would brush, sending sparks up Ricky's arm.

It was torture.

Ricky knew Gyuvin wasn't gay—he was confident in that fact. He flipped onto his back, staring blankly at the ceiling. He knew he couldn't tell Gyuvin—it would ruin everything. Their friendship was too important, too precious. But hiding it was starting to hurt just as much.

Ricky pressed his palms against his face, exhaling sharply. "Get a grip," he muttered to himself.

Ricky was on a mission—avoid Gyuvin at all costs. PE was the worst because it was prime Gyuvin territory: basketball, sweaty high-fives, teasing touches that Ricky pretended didn't make his stomach do backflips. But not today. Today he was focused on survival.

He was halfway across the gym when Gyuvin's voice echoed through the hall.

"Ricky! Where are you going?"

Ricky's heart dropped. He forced himself to keep walking, but then Gyuvin appeared out of nowhere like a golden retriever with super speed and grabbed his wrist.

"You feeling okay?" Gyuvin asked, tilting his head in concern.

Ricky panicked at the warmth of Gyuvin's hand. He yanked it away. "I'm nauseous," he blurted.

Gyuvin's brows furrowed. "Nauseous? Why? Did you eat something weird? Should I take you to the nurse—"

"No! No nurse!" Ricky cut him off, practically vibrating with tension. "I'm fine. Just... leave me alone."

Gyuvin blinked, clearly hurt, but Ricky didn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with it. He bolted, ignoring Gyuvin's concerned calls.

He wandered aimlessly around the sports hall building, looking for a quiet place. His feet led him to the back hallway, where the old storage rooms were. He pushed one of the doors open—and immediately wished he hadn't.

His brain crashed.

There, in the dimly lit room, his best friend Zhang Hao was pressed against a stack of gym mats, making out like his life depended on it with Hanbin, the literal student body president.

Hanbin's blazer was hanging off one shoulder, his perfectly styled hair was a mess, and his hands were gripping Hao's waist like he was afraid he'd float away.

Ricky stood there, paralyzed. Do I leave? Do I announce myself? Do I scream?

Zhang Hao must have sensed the disturbance in the force because he suddenly broke the kiss and turned his head—eyes going wide with horror when he saw Ricky standing there like a ghost.

"Ricky!" Zhang Hao's voice cracked. He shoved Hanbin back as if that would somehow erase the last thirty seconds from existence. "This—uh—this isn't—"

Hanbin, ever the smooth operator, calmly adjusted his blazer and gave Ricky a charming smile. "Hey."

Ricky blinked. "Hey?* That's all you have to say? Hey?"

Zhang Hao looked like he wanted to die. "This is not what it looks like!"

Ricky snorted. "Bro, it exactly looks like what it looks like."

Hanbin chuckled, completely unfazed. "We've been caught. Might as well own it."

Zhang Hao glared at him. "You're not helping!"

After Hanbin left to fulfill his student council duties—cool and composed as if he hadn't just been eating Zhang Hao alive in a dusty school storage room—Ricky and Hao sat awkwardly on a bench outside. The air smelled faintly of rain, and the distant sound of basketballs echoed from the gym.

"So..." Ricky broke the silence, his tone drenched with disbelief. "Since when?"

Zhang Hao rubbed the back of his neck, his ears still red. "I've had an eye on him for a long time, actually. And all the seniors got drunk together last month, so I decided to make a move."

"And?"

"It was successful." Hao grinned.

Ricky shook his head in disbelief. "Unreal. And you didn't tell me?"

"I was going to," Hao admitted, looking guilty. "But I kept chickening out. I didn't know how you'd react."

Ricky raised a brow. "Why would I care? You think I'm homophobic or something?"

"No, but... it's just scary, you know?"

"But wait," Ricky continued, genuinely curious. "How did you even know he was gay? Hanbin literally looks like the most basic Korean man on earth. I thought his life plan was getting a mortgage and voting conservative."

Zhang Hao laughed. "He used to do waacking."

Ricky froze. "...That actually explains a lot."

As they got up from the bench, ready to part ways, Ricky paused. "Hey, Hao. Wait."

Zhang Hao stopped and looked at him curiously. "Yes?"

Ricky hesitated, his lips pressing together before he let out a long exhale. "I... I need to tell you something."

Hao's brows lifted. "Uh-oh, this sounds serious."

Ricky gave a dry laugh. "It is. Kinda." He rubbed the back of his neck, clearly struggling. "It's about Gyuvin."

Hao's eyes sparkled with intrigue. "Oh, this is gonna be good."

"Shut up," Ricky muttered, but a faint smile tugged at his lips before fading into something more vulnerable. "It's just—being around him lately has been... hard. Like, really hard. I keep trying to distance myself, but it doesn't work. Every time he laughs or teases me or just... exists, I feel like I'm losing my mind."

Hao's teasing expression softened. "Damn, Ricky."

"I don't know what to do," Ricky admitted quietly, his voice wavering. "It feels impossible to hold it in, but if I say anything, it might ruin everything. We're good friends now. What if I mess it up?"

Hao thought for a moment before speaking gently. "Look, I know it's scary. But holding it all in? That sounds even worse. Trust me—I've been there."

Ricky's eyes flickered with doubt. "But he doesn't like me like that. I can't lose him."

"You can't control how he reacts," Hao said carefully. "But you can control how you handle your own feelings. And you have every right to express them, even if they're 'atypical,' as society would say. They're your feelings, Ricky."

Ricky looked down, biting his lip. "It's not that simple."

"I know," Hao said softly. "But you deserve to feel free, not like you're carrying this secret weight all the time."

Ricky signed. "Thanks, Hao."

"No problem, Ricky," Hao said, clapping Ricky on the back.

They walked off together, the weight on Ricky's chest feeling just a little lighter.

The long-awaited day had arrived — the last day of school and the grand ball. The entire school buzzed with excitement as students, dressed in dazzling outfits, filled the lavishly decorated hall. Everyone seemed ready to celebrate the end of the year.

Gunwook was with Hanni, proudly grinning as they walked into the hall together. Despite his earlier anxiety, he managed to look surprisingly confident. Junhyeon was also with a date, a girl from the debate club, and they looked surprisingly sweet together despite Junhyeon's awkward swaying on the dance floor.

And then there was Gyuvin, standing tall next to Sullyoon, who looked effortlessly stunning. They laughed and danced with the crowd, radiating charm. Ricky tried to ignore the pang in his chest as he watched them. Gyuvin looked genuinely happy, and Sullyoon matched his playful energy perfectly. It shouldn't have mattered — Ricky told himself this over and over — but it did.

The music shifted to a slower beat, and couples instinctively drew closer on the dance floor. Ricky felt his throat tighten as Gyuvin spun Sullyoon around, their laughter blending with the soft melody. He couldn't watch anymore.

Ricky slipped out of the hall unnoticed, stepping into the cool night air. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, but the weight in his chest wouldn't budge.

"Stupid," he muttered to himself. "You're being stupid."

He leaned against the wall, staring up at the starless sky. The festive sounds of the ball drifted faintly through the doors behind him. He didn't know how long he stood there, but eventually, the ache in his chest dulled just enough for him to return.

When Ricky re-entered the hall, the lights and music felt overwhelming again, but he pushed through. As he scanned the crowd, his gaze locked with Gyuvin's. Gyuvin's smile faded as his eyes darkened with concern.

Gyuvin excused himself from Sullyoon and weaved through the crowd toward Ricky. "Where'd you go?" he asked, breathless. "I was looking for you."

"I just needed some air," Ricky said flatly, avoiding his gaze.

Gyuvin tilted his head, eyes narrowing. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Ricky insisted, plastering on a forced smile. "Go back to Sullyoon. Don't let me ruin your night."

Gyuvin's brows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"I said I'm fine." Ricky's voice was firmer now, but his body betrayed him — tense and uncomfortable.

Gyuvin watched the crowd swirl and sway around them, but his focus stayed on Ricky's tense posture. The ball no longer felt exciting — it just felt loud and suffocating. He leaned in closer. "Let's leave."

Ricky blinked. "What?"

"Let's ditch this. We can go to the park or something."

Ricky shook his head firmly. "No way. I'm not ruining your night."

Gyuvin scoffed. "It's already boring without you. I'm just not feeling it anymore."

Ricky hesitated, glancing back at the vibrant dance floor. "What about Sullyoon?"

A teasing grin tugged at Gyuvin's lips. "Why do you care so much? Do you like her or something?"

Ricky's eyes widened. "No!" he blurted, heat rising to his face.

"Then what's the problem?" Gyuvin pressed. "Come on, it's just us."

Eventually, Ricky relented, muttering something about Gyuvin being persistent as always. They slipped out of the hall unnoticed, the night air crisp against their skin. The rain from earlier had cleared, leaving a faint earthy scent in the park as they walked along the empty path.

Silence lingered between them, comfortable but heavy with unspoken thoughts. Ricky shoved his hands into his pockets. "This feels... weird."

"What does?" Gyuvin asked, glancing at him.

"This." Ricky gestured vaguely. "The fact that we're even here together. I mean, I couldn't stand you at the beginning of the year."

Gyuvin let out a laugh. "Oh, trust me, the feeling was mutual."

Ricky smirked. "I noticed."

"But you know," Gyuvin said. "The more I got to know you, the more I thought, 'Damn, this guy is actually pretty cool.' Even if you're a bit of a pain sometimes."

The streetlights flickered softly, casting long shadows across the pavement. As they approached Ricky's gate, he slowed his steps, Gyuvin following suit.

"So, we're here," Ricky said, his voice steady but low.

Gyuvin smiled faintly. "Yeah. See you later, I guess."

He was about to turn and leave when Ricky's voice stopped him. "Wait."

Gyuvin paused, looking back at him.

"I need to tell you something," Ricky started, his expression unreadable.

Gyuvin tilted his head. "What is it?"

Ricky took a deep breath, gathering courage. "I'm going to Shanghai for the entire summer."

Gyuvin's brows furrowed. "What? The whole summer? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I didn't know how to bring it up," Ricky admitted, his voice wavering. "But that's not all." He clenched his fists, nerves bubbling under his skin. "Before I leave... I need to say something."

Gyuvin's expression softened with concern. "Ricky?"

"I like you," Ricky confessed, his voice trembling but resolute. "Like... more than a friend."

The words hung in the air, heavy and raw.

Ricky continued, forcing himself to keep going. "I know it's not mutual. I'm not expecting anything. And it's okay if you don't want to be friends anymore. No pressure or anything." He exhaled shakily. "I just needed to get it off my chest."

Gyuvin stared at him, stunned. His usual playful demeanor vanished, replaced by wide eyes and parted lips, clearly grappling with what he just heard.

"Ricky..." Gyuvin finally said, his voice gentle. "I—I'm really flattered. But—"

Ricky nodded quickly, a small, forced smile on his face. "I know. I know."

There was a long, awkward pause, filled with the hum of distant traffic and rustling leaves.

"But we can still be friends," Gyuvin offered, sincerity laced in his tone. "If you still want that, I mean."

Ricky let out a soft laugh, though it was tinged with sadness. "Of course, I do."

Gyuvin's lips curved into a tentative smile. "Good. Because I'm not ready to get rid of you either."

They stood there for a beat longer, the tension slowly dissolving into something bittersweet.

"Well... I guess this is it," Ricky said, shifting on his feet.

"Yeah."

"Bye, Gyuvin."

"Bye, Ricky."

As Gyuvin walked away into the dimly lit street, Ricky watched until he disappeared from sight. His first school year in Korea had come to an end — one filled with unexpected friendships, feelings, and heartbreak.