there's something I recently experienced
it's about
how do you appear to others
I know
some just see me as the gay girl
some read my poetry
some know I'm pretty clever
others rarely heard my name
it's like
he thinks I'm highly confident
she believes
I just crave for control
than I ask myself
who knows you the best?
and
who is even supposed to know you best?
and
even though I got an answer the minute I thought about it
I didn't come to the conclusion I wanted
there's supposed to be one person in the world who knows you
and I am afraid that the answer I always had was terribly wrong
one person who knows my smile in university, the one I have at home and the thoughts I have when I talk about the nerdy things
there is supposed to be one human being who knows that I am able to cry someone who knows the sound of my pain
I am talking about being familiar with my habits and flaws,
with fears and questions I am used to avoid
it's somebody who tries to see me as myself and actually seems to fail through the years
if you read this
I want you to understand that there is only one answer to this question
who knows you best
and
this
is
you
I mean it
the one person who led you through the lonely nights
the one who felt all your nervousness
a friend who knows your scars
cause she held the knife too
I don't know if it sounds crazy
or lightly depressed
maybe it is, but
think about it
I know you've got good friends
the ones who feel like family
some of you fall asleep next to their loved ones
next to someone who loves you in a way you're sometimes unable to love yourself,
but that's my point this night
it's not about being in a relationship
it's not about having a soulmate
or simply meeting someone who seems to understand
I am just talking about the fact that there are dozens of versions of myself out there
and they may be true, may be wrong
maybe they are just a part of one big picture
the thing is
I know I won't ever fit into any picture in this world or elsewhere
I am too curvy for that,
too chaotic,
too strange and complicated
I can't be a picture
cause my colours are changing tides too often
I couldn't ever be something steady
I feel too wild, too open-minded to take a seat and let my life just happen
I mean
I change my mind about being alive more often than I should
how am I supposed to say who I really am?
I've heard about identity
about g.h. mead and others
I know that me,myself and I will always have to discuss a few things in life
and I am okay with that
I've just come to the conclusion
that I always thought I need something to guide me
someone who looks into my eyes and sees my true self
honestly
I don't know if anyone ever had
but I did it
I did it at myself
and to be honest
it literally scared the hell out of me
I placed myself in front of a mirror and looked into my eyes
I called out my name
I called out my name twice
and after a while I saw myself looking at me and I felt something that I've never ever felt in my life before
and I cried
I cried like a freaking baby at birth
I nearly collapsed
cause
there was everything I am always unable to put into words
I realized how long I ignored myself
I realized that I punished myself for years, I kept myself shut
I did so many horrible things
I acted exactly like everyone who hurt me so much
I looked at myself
finally saw what I did
and
suddenly
there was so much regret
you wouldn't believe how sorry I felt
but then
I knew exactly what I am supposed to do
I can see it
in the sparkle of my eyes
what you are supposed to do is something nobody can tell you
you know yourself best
so
what are your eyes telling you?