you say
I don't understand your fears of coming out
you say
I can't compare my experiences with yours because
I said it out loud the day I fell in love with the same gender,
but
did you see the people in school punching me before class?
do you think there aren't any hate comments on the streets?
today I dreamed of kissing my girlfriend and still
I hid us both in the cabin of a toilet
even in my dreams I feel the need to hide what I love
so
I believe you should rethink what you're talking about
you say
it's nothing special that this grade is good, because
I am always good at doing those things
I mean
I am clever so
that's no surprise
do you know what?
I made my a-levels with 18 after growing up and living with an alcoholic for over sixteen years
do you believe getting graduation is an easy walk just because I am clever?
think before you talk
you say
I need to be happy
I have friends
I've got a flat
I am going to university
and don't get me wrong
I know how privileged I am and
I am truthfully grateful,
but
you see the scars on my skin and call them a weakness
you see the missed calls on my phone and think I am stubborn cause I don't answer
you think while I am going to therapy everything is easier to handle
you know what?
it's not
this is my second winter in this city
my parents don't even know the street I am living at
I am about to start my fourth semester,
but
that doesn't mean that 'fighting depression' gets me any credit points
on the contrary
I am dealing with wars in my head
and all you can think of is
criticising me for not seeing what I've already reached
yes,
I've reached a lot
I am stronger than I've ever been
true
but I did that on my own
and
there's no one out there paying my bills
just saying
the friends I have now
are the ones I found on my own
friendships I fought for too
I am a fighter
(in case you didn't notice)
so
do you look at a soldier and say it's an easy job to do because a soldier looks competent?
do you look at a doctor and think it's an easy way to work just because the 'dr.' embellishes his name?
well,
clap your hands
it's not
people have to grow to reach their goals
and this can be motherfucking hard
stop saying
I don't have the right to be
tired
or sad
or angry
and especially
just stop and don't even mention your opinion of my way to handle life
I'll give you a simple tip:
don't call anyone anything if you don't know what walking in their shoes actually feels like