Chapter 40: Chapter 40

JAKE

“Don’t stop,” Vada begged.

“I can’t hold out forever,” I panted. “I’m gonna cum eventually.”

“Then take a break,” she snapped.

“This is crazy, Vada,” I sighed. “It’s the orgasm that you’re looking for.”

“I already had two!” she cried. “Do you see a baby anywhere?”

“Fucking you nonstop is not going to make you go into labor.”

“Fine. You can cum. But I expect you to be ready to go again in fifteen minutes.”

“You’re insane,” I grunted, my cock releasing inside her when my long-overdue orgasm ripped through my pelvis. “I’m not twenty years old.”

“Where’s Garrett?” she barked. “He can take your place.”

“Honey, you need to relax,” I suggested, flopping down on the bed next to her. “The baby will come when she’s ready.”

“I’m five days overdue, Jake!”

“And Dr. Mallawa promised to induce you if you haven’t had the baby by the weekend.”

“It’s only Thursday! And I don’t want to go to the hospital. I wanna have the baby here. The birthing pool is all set up in the living room.”

“Did you fuck her again?” Evan asked, appearing at the foot of the bed with his hands on his hips.

“Yes,” I groaned. “She made me.”

“Vada, this has got to stop,” Evan ordered.

“Unless you have an erection that you’re willing to fuck me with, go away,” she grumbled.

“You know where I stand on third-trimester sex.”

“I’m not staying in this condition for another two days,” she declared before bursting into tears.

“Why don’t you come with me to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving today?” he suggested. “There will be all kinds of delicious food, and you can eat whatever you want.”

“I’d rather eat my own ass than subject myself to hours of childbirth horror stories and lectures about Kegel’s exercises.”

“I have to side with Vada on this one, Ev,” I said, pushing up from the bed with a heavy sigh.

“When we went to your folks’ place for the Fourth of July, Eloise never shut up about that silent birth nonsense.”

“She really believes in it. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Vada said. “When Eloise gives birth to a baby in silence, then I’ll give it a try. Until then, I’m gonna stick with noisy births.”

“Fine,” he said. “Don’t come. Christine and I will go alone. And Jake, you can stay home with the horny pregnant lady. I hope your dick falls off.”

“That’s a little harsh,” I laughed.

“I’m not horny,” Vada muttered. “I want this kid out, and nothing else is working. I’m desperate.”

“Call me if she goes into labor,” Evan said.

“Will do,” I sighed.

***

“I can’t believe we aren’t having a Thanksgiving dinner,” Vada whined, staring into the fridge.

“I didn’t order a turkey because I thought we’d be too busy with a new baby to cook a big meal.”

“Are you seriously blaming me for being overdue?”

“No. I was just reminding you of why we aren’t having a dinner. You could’ve gone to the Morgans’.”

“I wish we had some roasted garlic cauliflower,” she sighed.

“What?”

“Roasted. Garlic. Cauliflower.”

“I know what it is, Vada.”

“And some cream of onion soup.”

“You’ll be sleeping alone tonight if you eat all that!” Garrett shouted from the living room.

“Will you make that for me?” she asked, leveling me with her pouty stare that she knew none of us could say no to.

“Of course,” I said. “If that’s what you’re craving, I’ll make it for you.”

***

I held my breath, sliding my body slowly toward the edge of the mattress. Fresh air was just outside the door.

As long as I didn’t wake up the snoring beast with the toxic ass, I’d be back in my own bed in no time.

I crept across the bedroom and reached for the doorknob. Vada usually kept her door open so my cats could sleep with her. But for some reason, she insisted on having the door shut that night.

I didn’t want to sleep with her. None of us did. The entire house reeked of onion-garlic farts. We took a vote. I lost. She was having my baby, and I was sentenced to a night in the fart chamber.

“Jake.”

~Fuck.~

~Maybe she’s talking in her sleep.~

I waited.

How long can a person hold their breath before they pass out?

“Jake,” she moaned, reaching for the lamp.

~Run for your life!~

Light flooded the room.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“I have to piss,” I lied.

“Why don’t you use my bathroom?”

“I didn’t want to wake you.”

“You’re so sweet,” she sighed. “I don’t deserve you. I’ve been just awful this past week.”

“No you haven’t,” I said.

~You’re lying your ass off right now.~

“You’re sneaking out of my bed in the middle of the night,” she said, the catch in her throat alerting me to the imminent meltdown. “I’m annoying even when I’m asleep, apparently.”

“It’s not you, baby,” I said, hanging onto the doorknob like it was a life raft. “It’s your ass.”

“I can’t help it!” she cried. “The baby is squishing my bowels and pushing all the gas out. And I’m a little constipated.”

“It smells like a toxic waste dump in here, honey.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“Oh, it’s that bad,” I laughed, pulling my T-shirt over my nose when she pulled back the covers, releasing putrid trapped farts into the already-rancid air.

“It must be all the onions and garlic I ate today.”

“Ya think?”

“I need to get up,” she said, holding out her arm. “Can you give me a hand?”

“You need to rest, Vada.”

“I need to pee, Jake.”

I helped her up, holding my breath and trying not to gag when she breathed on me. Her breath smelled worse than her ass.

“Will you just hold me for a minute?” she whispered.

“Of course,” I choked out. “Whatever you need, honey.”

“I can’t wait to feel like myself again,” she sobbed, soaking my shoulder with her tears.

“I know, baby,” I murmured, rubbing her back. “We all want our happy-go-lucky wife back.”

“I don’t wanna be pregnant anymore, Jake.”

I felt something wet hit my bare feet. Her body went rigid, a small cry erupting from her throat.

“Did your water just break?” I asked.

“Yes!” she cried, pulling out of my arms. “The baby is coming!”

***

“You’re doing great, Vada,” Patty said,

Patty was the midwife we’d hired. Vada’s OB-GYN didn’t do water births. When our wife had first started talking about having a home birth, Evan was horrified.

And when the women in our group had filled her head with stories about painless deliveries and spiritual bullshit, she decided she wanted a water birth.

And then Evan really lost his shit.

But Vada was the one giving birth.

She got her own way.

“Is Jake allowed in the pool?” Vada asked.

~No.~

~Say no, midwife lady.~

~Jake doesn’t want in the pool.~

~There’s ~stuff ~floating in there. You have a fucking net to fish it out.~

“Absolutely,” Patty replied.

~Son of a bitch.~

I glared at Evan as he looked on with a satisfied smirk.

“I don’t think there’s really room in there for me,” I said.

“Nonsense,” Patty laughed. “There’s plenty of room.”

“Why don’t I just sit next to the tub and hold your hand?” I suggested.

“I really want you in here with me,” Vada begged.

“Jacob, can I speak with you in the kitchen?” Patty ordered.

“Sure,” I mumbled, following her with my head down.

“We have to support Mom,” she lectured.

“There’s mucus floating in there,” I hissed.

“You’ll be just fine,” she said, patting my arm. “If you’re not comfortable being naked, you can wear a bathing suit.”

“Oh, I’m definitely wearing a bathing suit,” I muttered.

The water was warm, the tub surprisingly comfortable. I settled behind Vada, wrapping my arms around her while she breathed through a contraction.

They were coming pretty close together. Our daughter would be arriving very soon.

“You’re almost there, Vada,” Patty announced. “Nine centimeters.”

“Should I get out?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, shaking her head.

“I feel like I have to push,” Vada moaned. “There’s a lot of pressure. I’m gonna be sick.”

“Maybe we should get out of the water,” I suggested gently.

She leaned forward, vomit flying from her mouth and covering the side of the tub. The water turned a murky brown, the stench of onion and garlic farts rising up from the water.

“Holy shit!” Garrett gasped.

“Literally,” I groaned, scrambling to get out of the tub while all hell broke loose.

Evan ran outside to the terrace. I cringed when I saw him hurling on my beautiful rose bushes.

Vada was bearing down, completely oblivious to the fact that she was in a tub of diarrhea.

And Garrett was videoing!

“Turn that fucking thing off!” I hollered.

“Vada asked me to video the birth.”

“Everyone needs to calm down,” Patty ordered. “This is why we have a contingency plan. I need you boys to help get Mom out of the tub. We have to get her upstairs and into a shower.”

“There’s no time,” Vada panted. “The baby is coming.”

***

“Knock, knock,” Evan called. “Somebody wants to meet her baby sister.”

“C’mon in,” I said, wrapping my arm around Vada’s shoulder while I gazed down at my sleeping daughter.

Garrett videoed while Evan perched on the edge of the bed with Christine.

“Baby,” she said with a goofy grin.

“That’s right,” Vada said. “This is your baby sister.”

“Did you guys decide on a name?” Evan asked.

“Joni Carlene,” Vada announced.

“Welcome to the family, Joni,” Evan said. “Our living room will never be the same again.”

“I hope next time I can actually deliver in the tub,” Vada sighed.

“Next time you’ll be in the hospital,” Evan grumbled. “That’s where babies are supposed to be born. I think we can all agree on that after today.”

“We’ll see,” Vada chuckled.

Joni’s eyes opened. Her tiny cry brought tears to my eyes.

“She’s beautiful,” I whispered, leaning down to give Vada a kiss. “Just like her mother. I can’t wait to make another one with you.”

“I love you, Jake.”

“Love you too, baby.”