18. The Problem

~Josh

I should have come home earlier. Much earlier. I knew that hours ago, too, and yet I was still walking into the house well after the sun had set. I didn't even really have a reason for not coming home sooner, not one that I could explain, anyway. That was the part I wan't looking forward to doing: explaining - and maybe it was one of the reason why I didn't make myself come home sooner.

And of course, they were waiting for me when I walked in. Leo and Jackson were embracing each other in the kitchen. It wasn't anything I haven't seen before, but this time, I felt a weird pang in my chest seeing them like that. It was then that I realized exactly why I needed my own space.

"You're back," Jackson said simply, taking a step out of Leo's hold and towards me. "We thought you'd at least come home for dinner."

I looked down at the small shopping bag in my hand before placing it on the counter. "Yeah, sorry." What else was I supposed to say? Even if I could figure out how to explain what I just figured out, they wouldn't understand. "I meant to."

It wasn't a lie. I did plan on coming home right after I got out of work and picked up this new milk for Logan to try. Except somehow I ended up at my moms' house and I couldn't make myself leave.

"Where were you, love?" Leo asked. "It's been hours."

I nodded, pulling the milk out of the bag and putting it in the fridge before answering him. "My moms'."

"Did you tell them not to answer their phones? Because I did call them."

I'm sure the guilt was written all over my face. I practically begged Mama not to answer when Leo called her first. I knew they were just worried about me, but I needed that time away from them.

Yet that just proves my point even more; I'm greedy. I want so much more than I need or even deserve. I already have three husbands and two moms, why did I need to seek out more parents or take over an entire day away from the two people who I should have been with?

None of us said anything else, even though I felt like they wanted to say more. What was there to even say? I messed up, obviously. I should have called them or actually come home after work instead of waiting until now.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, making my way towards the hallway. What else was there to say? That seems to be my new motto for the night, although I was sorry. I felt incredibly guilty for doing that, but I didn't know how to explain it, so it was better left at a simple sorry and maybe we'll all be fine tomorrow.

Except I knew that that wouldn't be the case. I felt like a third wheel in my own marriage. And tomorrow wouldn't change that. Not unless Kyle got his memories back and came back home so we could be the happy family we once were. But that wasn't going to happen. Not right now at least.

I had almost made it out of the kitchen when I felt a hand land on my shoulder, stopping me in place. I didn't turn around to see which one of them stopped me.

"Josh," Leo sighed. "Please, just talk to us."

I turned around, slowly. Leo dropped his hand back down to his side from where it had rested on my shoulder. Jackson was standing next to him. Both looked equally concerned about me. That should have been reassuring - their concern - but for some reason, something felt off, and I wasn't sure if it was me or not.

I wasn't even given the chance to say anything when Leo leaned down and kissed me. At first it was a simple closed-lip kiss, but then he pushed his tongue into my mouth while pulling my body closer to his. I would have relished in this kiss - the first real contact I've had with either of them in so long - but a taste entered my mouth that proved my point even more. It was the taste of Jackson. Like they had done stuff earlier and Leo hadn't yet brushed his teeth.

I pulled away, shaking my head. It shouldn't bother me as much as it was. I knew it happened - and I've done it - for the past ten years. But this it was different. It felt different.

"What's the problem, Josh?" Jackson asked. He didn't ask it in a mean or harsh way at all. He sounded like he genuinely wanted to know, and that made me feel even guiltier. "We'll help you work through it, whatever it is."

"The problem?" I asked. How could I even word it? I couldn't. "The problem is that three doesn't work."

Maybe it wasn't the best way to say it, and running out of the room right after wasn't the best move either, but I couldn't stay there and explain it right now. I didn't have the words to make them understand what I was feeling.

How could I even bring myself to tell them this? To accuse them of being closer to each other than to me? It was true, not by much, but it was there. Except it never made a difference. In ten years, I never noticed it this much. Because Kyle was always here. There was always someone else. But now it's Leo and Jackson, and then me. I shouldn't feel this left out, and yet I was.

~Kyle

Three people should not be living in this house. Two? Fine. Manageable. But even just spending one night on the pull-out couch and trying to share this space with my father and his girlfriend, it's obvious how tiny this place really is.

I felt bad staying here when there's barely enough room for me. I also felt bad about how much I couldn't stand Tina. She obviously wasn't bothered by my lifestyle - or at least, the one I had before this accident - and she was letting me stay here. I should be grateful to her, not only for being so accepting of everything going on, but also for making my dad happy.

He has never been this happy. I don't think he was ever this happy with mom, and - according to Colton because I can't remember - hadn't truly been happy until now.

But there was something about her that got on my nerves. Maybe it was the the confined space and no memories of her that was throwing me off. I'm sure she was a wonderful woman who treated my dad right. Everyone I couldn't remember just happened to be too strange for me these days.

Including my own husbands.

Maybe I should go live with them again. Make new memories with them, like Josh had suggested the other night when I saw him. He said I'll always be welcome back there with him, and I definitely believed him. My concern lies with the kids - my kids. I haven't seen them at all since I lost my memories. Pictures, yes, but re-meeting them is a different story. They weren't old enough to really understand what was going on, apparently. I would basically have strangers' kids acting like I'm their dad. While I knew they were mine, I didn't know them. At least not right now.

But maybe I should try.

The was a knock on the front door and I didn't even bother getting off the couch to answer it. This wasn't my house, and even still, I probably wouldn't recognize whoever it was. So I left that for my dad to deal with.

I heard talking coming from the direction of the front door, but I wasn't paying attention to the words that were being said. Instead, I looked through some of the papers that were lying on the small desk in the corner of the room.

None of it was really too interesting, some bills and such that I didn't look too closely at. But then I saw a single sheet with my name up at the top, an address written next to it. Under that was Colton's name and another address. I figured it was the address of my home - of my family - but I couldn't even recognize the town name, let alone the address itself.

A hand landed on my shoulder, startling me slightly. Turning, I found myself face-to-face with my brother. He smiled.

"Hey. How you doing?"

I shrugged. "Alright, I guess." I lifted up the paper that was still in my hand. "Our addresses?"

Colton laughed. "Yeah. Dad sometimes forgets the little things. It's why I'm really glad he has Tina around." He leaned in closer to whisper in my ear. "I can't stand how annoying she is sometimes, as I'm sure you've noticed by now, but she loves him, so I guess it's okay."

It was good to hear that someone else shared the same opinion of Tina as me, but I couldn't say that to him just then. Dad and Tina both walked into the room, making the already small space feel way too overcrowded.

"I know you just got here, Colton," my dad started, "but Tina and I have to head out for a bit. You can keep your brother company."

Colton nodded, almost like he wasn't surprised they'd be leaving us. "I can totally do that. El won't be home until later this evening anyway. He won't miss me just yet."

He laughed, and my dad and Tina seemed to find it amusing as well, but I was lost. I figured I should know who that person is, and it took me a few seconds too long to remember that my little brother is married, and that's probably who he's talking about. I didn't question it though, not wanting to see the look on all their faces - the one that said they had forgotten that I couldn't remember whatever it was they said.

When Dad and Tina finally left a few minutes later, Colton let out a sigh of relief the second the door closed behind them. "I really hoped to have gotten here after they left. As much as I love Dad, I just... ugh. That woman bugs me."

Again, I wasn't sure if I should have known why Colton knew they'd be leaving around now. Although this time, he actually explained.

"I don't know if Dad told you, probably not, but he and Tina go to the doctor's every first Saturday morning of the month. It's just a check up, so don't worry. I don't think anything's really wrong. I think they just like the habit, and maybe the constant reassurance that everything is fine. I don't know."

I nodded, not knowing how to respond to that. I barely even understood the relationship between my brother and me. I remember when he was still a little kid, hyper and - frankly - kind of annoying. This Colton had definitely matured. Hell, he's even married. I still couldn't seem to wrap my head around that.

"So what brings you by?" I asked, trying to not think about what I couldn't remember. "You obviously knew Dad wasn't going to be here."

"But you're here, and I came to see you, not him."

"Why?"

Colton shrugged. "Because you're my brother and you just got out of the hospital?"

I felt like he wasn't telling me something, so I pushed him to tell me. "What's the real reason? There's something else. What is it?"

He sighed, sitting down on the couch that, until a little while ago, was my bed for the night. "I think there's something going on with your husbands. I don't know what's going on, but it's totally freaking me out because you guys never fight."

"Why would you think that something's wrong? That they're fighting?"

He looked down at his hands in his lap. He had a look on his face that I recognized - the one that said he didn't want to tell me, but he couldn't lie. "Josh spent the night at my house the other day. That never happens and I'm kinda worried, especially because he refused to say why he wasn't at home with Leo and Jackson and the kids. I thought maybe one of them said something to you? I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Forget I said anything, it's probably nothing anyway."

He tried brushing off the situation, but I felt like there might actually be something wrong. Josh seemed off when I saw him the other day. Granted, I couldn't remember who he was, but there was something going on with him, something more than dealing with that Suzanne woman.

I looked back down at the paper with my address written on it. Maybe I should go see them. Meet the kids. I might be able to help, even if I didn't know what was going on.

"I think I should go," I said out loud, making Colton stop whatever it was he was saying.

"Go where?"

I lifted up the paper to show him again. "Home."