Today has already been a more perfect birthday than any scenario I could have dreamed up on my own, so why am I sabotaging things? Any other time and place would be better for talking about this.
I backtrack before Phoenix can reply. "Wait, no, don't answer. It's the wrong time for me to ask. What were we talking about before Venice?"
His thumb strokes the back of my hand while he studies me. The look in his eyes is so unguarded that I sense he doesn't share my concerns about discussing this now.
"It isn't the wrong time. You deserve to know what happened more than anyone, and I want to be an open book with you."
If I expected the topic of North Node and its aftermath to change his demeanor, it hasn't. His voice is calm, and he seems as relaxed as ever, just like the night in Vegas when Ava brought it up.
"I'm guessing you saw the Newport Beach video?" he asks. I nod, and he continues. "That night was bottom. I'd been home from Venice for a few days, and obviously I was drinking. I'd decided the reviews of North Node were completely my fault. My performance was bad, and I knew they should have fired me the first week of production. There was talk about it, because I was a mess on set. Chaz stood up for me, though, and said he would walk away from the film if I was axed."
"Because you had worked together before?"
Chaz isn't a stranger to me. He directed a film Phoenix had a supporting role in when his career was on the rise and we were still together, and I talked to him a few times at different events back then.
"Filming started right after I'd had back-to-back number one films. I think he was convinced my name would make North Node hit the top of the box office, and that he could get the performance he wanted out of me if he tried hard enough. He was my biggest cheerleader for a while and probably the only one who believed I could pull it off."
"So why did you punch and threaten him in Newport?"
I know what Phoenix was like in those days when he went on a bender, but I was never afraid of him getting into a physical fight with me or anyone else. Even wasted, it wasn't in his nature.
"We'd been on shaky ground since Venice and the screening. I couldn't make it to anything on time or sober, and then there were all the reviews about my performance. I don't think he expected me to show up at the cast and crew event in Newport Beach, and he was beyond pissed off when I stumbled in, already three sheets to the wind. We were at each other's throats from the time I got there. I deserved every dig he made at me, but then he said something about you and it went too far. I lost control."
"He said something about me?" Phoenix and I had been broken up for several years at that point. I can't fathom what Chaz might have said or why.
"Yeah." A muscle works in his jaw. I get the feeling he doesn't want to elaborate, in spite of his claim about wanting to be an open book, but he continues. "I don't know if you remember, but it was around the time you hit some of the bestseller lists with one of your books and were doing daytime talk shows. There had just been an announcement about the film rights, which Chaz read about. He had the announcement open on his phone and showed it to me, then made a few derogatory comments, and I--"
I interrupt him. "What were the comments? I'd like to know."
"Mostly things I don't like repeating." Phoenix rubs the side of his face with the hand that isn't holding mine. He keeps his jaw clenched and his lips pressed together for so long, I start to wonder if this is all I'll get from him. Then he speaks again. "The gist of it went something like, 'Look at your hot piece of ass ex-girlfriend, using the connections she made with you to get ahead after she left you to destroy yourself. I don't know what she did to make you end up like this, but get it together. She isn't worth it.' And then he said some other trash about who you must have slept with to get the publicity and deals you did." He pauses there. His chest rises as he takes a deep breath, then falls when he lets it out. "I'm sorry. You said you wanted to know, but you shouldn't have to hear this."
I can't say he didn't warn me. "It's fine. I don't care what Chaz thinks of me." And I don't, even if finding out what he said just sent embers of rage coursing through me. The man had a lot of nerve to invoke my name in something he knew nothing about.
"I did. I cared a lot. He was blaming you for everything I did to myself and to our relationship, and he was attacking your talent and talking absolute garbage. It went too far, and I snapped. That's when I punched him. He defended himself and fought back, of course, and it escalated from there."
I let this sink in, trying to process the story the tabloids didn't tell about what happened. Phoenix's brawl with Chaz has always been cited as the tipping point that cost him his career and ran him out of Hollywood.
"That entire thing was because of me?" Dazed doesn't even start to describe how I feel about this.
"No." He takes my other hand now, so he's holding both of them. "None of it was because of you. It happened because I was a few drinks past wrecked already and Chaz ran his mouth. He was also drinking, and neither of us were being reasonable. I wouldn't have punched him if I'd been less intoxicated than I was. I wouldn't have let it go, but I would have handled it differently."
I take a moment to mull this over, glancing out at the water as I do. We're miles down the coast from where we started. What began as a light breeze a few minutes ago picks up now with a stronger, chillier burst of air that raises goosebumps along my bare arms. I release Phoenix's hands so I can reach for my sweater, but he must see the goosebumps because he's on it before I make a move. He drapes the sweater over my shoulders and runs his hands up and down my arms a few times, restoring warmth to my skin.
"Thank you." I pull the sweater tight across my chest, even though the wind has subsided again.
"For what it's worth, Chaz apologized for what he said later. He admitted he was trying to get under my skin because he was angry and didn't understand why I was throwing my career away."
I squint at him against the blinding rays of the evening sun. "You talked to him after that? The tabloids made it sound like there was a war between you two, and that he got you kicked out of your next film and shunned by all the studios and execs."
"He called me a couple of days later, after we'd both cooled off and I'd had time to recover from my trip to the emergency room that same night to have my stomach pumped."
"Why didn't one of you say something to set the record straight?"
I'm at a loss to understand this. Either one of them could have stopped the barrage of headlines and rumors that grew like a tumbleweed with each passing day, instead of letting the tabloids torpedo Phoenix's reputation and career.
"I didn't care what they said about me, and I didn't want your name brought into it. The paps would have hounded you, especially since your career was taking off and people knew who you were. Chaz agreed not to talk about what happened on the condition I entered rehab. He helped me get out of the contract I'd signed for his next film so I could."
There's defending someone's honor, and then there's this. I stare down at my palms, quiet while my mind strings together the scenes of a story I couldn't have predicted. I don't know what to make of it yet, but one thing has become clear. Phoenix wasn't kidding when he said he never stopped caring about me.
"Is rehab where you went when the tabloids claimed you were in hiding?"
"Yes. Chaz had connections that got me into a facility in Antigua, which kept my location under wraps and kept me from leaving when it got rough. I wasn't convinced rehab would work for me, since I'd tried it once before then and checked myself out after six days, but I went. The only people who knew were Chaz, my family, and Len."
His mention of Len pulls the question that's been at the back of my mind since last weekend straight to center stage. After the roses and text messages this morning, I'd almost talked myself out of bringing her up today.
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Ask me anything you want to know. Nothing is off limits." Phoenix tilts my chin up so I have to meet his eyes. His gaze is as gentle and open as it was when I asked about North Node.
"What happened to Len? You told me you lost her, but you didn't say how."
If the subject change catches him off guard, nothing in his face or posture shows it. He answers without faltering. "No one knows. She went missing one day and didn't come back. The last sighting of her was on someone's home security camera, when she was walking down the street she lived on."
My pulse speeds up with each word. By the time Phoenix finishes his last sentence, I'm certain of what I suspected when I saw Elenna's missing person poster on Nash's Instagram and read the caption where he called her Len.
"That sounds a lot like the last sighting of Elenna Paseo, the woman who went missing from Aliso Viejo." I watch him as I speak. Nothing in his expression changes.
"That's because Elenna was Len. Or is, if she's still out there somewhere."
He sounds casual about it, and unfazed that I've made the connection. Now I wonder if I had it wrong, and if he didn't know Elenna's unsolved case inspired my book.
"When you overheard Ava telling Torin about my book, did she say it was based on Elenna's disappearance?"
"She didn't mention her name, but what she described was too similar for it not to be. I assumed it was."
"You didn't say anything when you mentioned my book, or when you told me about Len."
"I didn't," he agrees. "You seemed spooked I even knew the basis of your book and I didn't want to make it worse or come across like a stalker. Then when Len came up, I was more concerned about you and how you felt at that moment. It didn't seem like the right time to bring it up."
He says it so matter-of-factly, I almost feel foolish for letting this fester in my mind all week. Of course it didn't seem like the right time. I was in tears for the second time in twenty minutes and asked him to talk about something else.
"Do you think she's alive?"
The shake of his head is so slight, it's almost imperceptible. "I wish I could say yes. I've accepted she might not be."
Anyone who doesn't know Phoenix the way I do would take one look at his face and think he was unaffected by what he just told me. They would assume he's past the grief that came with losing Len and not knowing what happened, or if she's dead or alive. But I notice when the corners of his mouth droop and his body stiffens, and how his hand trembles when he raises his glass of sparkling cider to his lips to take a drink.
It hits me then, what he's struggled through and overcome since our world together fell apart. I've had tunnel vision the last two weeks, focusing on how I felt, the questions I had, and what I went through after we weren't in each other's lives. I may have tiptoed through purgatory after we broke up, spending weeks bawling my eyes out and months going through the motions of my life while I oscillated between sad and angry, but he has also been to hell and back. He lost his career, got and stayed sober, and dealt with the disappearance and presumed death of a close friend. And yet, all he's done is focus on me since he said hello at Nebula. Phoenix has done everything but move heaven and earth to make me feel like the sun orbits around me, and like my emotional needs and comfort come first and are all that's important.
I place my hand against his back and begin moving it in a slow, circular motion. I continue until the muscles there relax under my touch and he sets his glass on the table.
"I think I see sea lions near the shore," I murmur, easing us out of the silence we've fallen into.
He circles his arm around my shoulder, the same as he did when we boarded the boat, only this time he pulls me in closer. I turn my body so I lean against him, and he puts his other arm around me.
"Are you warm enough?" he asks. Sitting together the way we are, with his arms around me, I didn't notice the wind pick up again. His body shields me from it.
"You're a good space heater like this, too," I joke. "I'm perfect right now."
"You really are, you know."
My heart nearly bursts inside of me when I catch what he says. He rests his head on top of mine. We stay that way, watching the sea lions and the passing scenery until Daniel emerges from the ship's interior with another crew member to set the table for dinner.
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The menu at dinner was Michelin-star worthy as far as I'm concerned, but the true surprise and crowning glory was Daniel showing up at our table with my favorite Milk Bar birthday cake for dessert. Phoenix feigned innocence when I asked him if the cake was a coincidence, or if he was behind it. I may never know for sure.
The sun is already below the horizon when we dock at shore and say our thanks and goodbyes to the crew. I think we're headed back to the parking lot after we step off the boat, but Phoenix has other plans.
"There's one more place I'd like to take you tonight." He touches my elbow, then guides me in the opposite direction of the parking lot. "It's just down here."
"There's more?"
His eyes twinkle under the boardwalk lights. "You gave me the whole night. I wasn't going to lose out on hours of your company by taking you home this early."
He reaches for my hand. We stroll along the harbor until we're in front of a nondescript building that's sandwiched between an Italian restaurant and a souvenir shop. I glance around for a sign, but I still can't tell what the building contains. Then I listen. There's music coming from inside.
Phoenix opens the door for me. I nearly gasp when we walk into a space lit up by hundreds of flickering LED candles. A string quartet is set up at one end of the room, already playing a song I recognize the melody of, even if I can't place the artist and song title.
"I saw something about candlelight concerts here on weekends," he explains. "I thought we could check it out."
I take in the glow of the darkened room, and how the candlelight gives way to private spaces in the shadows where seats are set up. Phoenix pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens a screen with a barcode, then holds it out to a woman with a handheld scanner. She points at a corner of the room and says something I don't hear, then hands him two leaflets. He passes one to me as we wander further inside, but I'm too mesmerized by the sights and sounds to read it.
We head for the area the woman pointed at. There's no one else occupying any of the seats there, and so we have the corner to ourselves for the moment. It isn't until we sit that the name of the song being played by the string quartet pops into my mind. It's "Perfect," another song by Ed Sheeran.
I open the leaflet Phoenix gave me and discover two things at once. Each concert listed in the calendar is a themed performance, and tonight's is an Ed Sheeran tribute. The last notes of "Perfect" fade as I read this, and a new song begins. It takes approximately an eighth of a second for me to recognize it, and a lump forms in my throat when I do. My eyes land on Phoenix. He knows what song this is, too.
He holds out his hand. "Will you dance with me?"
I don't trust my voice to answer, so I take his hand without saying a word. We both get to our feet as the quartet continues to play "Thinking Out Loud." It's only when I'm in Phoenix's arms, my head against his shoulder and our bodies swaying in complete synchronicity, that I let myself listen and feel. The lines between the past and now blur when I close my eyes. In an instant, I'm twenty-three, dancing with the man I love under the moonlight on a boardwalk, in possession of a heart that hasn't yet been broken. When I open my eyes, I'm thirty again. Now I'm dancing in a candlelit room with the same man, remembering how perfectly our bodies fit together, and aching to forget every scar the years between then and now left us with. There's no way to predict if our story has a happy ending this time, but the one thing I'm certain of is my yearning to find out.
Ava will have opinions, Torin might think I've lost my mind, and don't get me started on what my family will say. None of it matters. For the first time in six years, I'm letting my heart lead and trusting what it tells me. In its steady beat, I hear it whisper what it hinted at last weekend.
I am falling in love with Phoenix all over again.
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These two are going to break me.ð¤§
I can't put them here for copyright reasons, but I encourage you to look up the lyrics of "Perfect" if you don't already know them. I chose it as the first song Del and Phoenix hear when they arrive at the candlelight concert because of how perfectly it represents the new chapter of their relationship.