That night, James' fever reaches a scorching high. His breaths grow shallower, skin soaked in sweat, unresponsive to Noah's touches. Noah doesn't leave his side, barely touching the food Lora and I bring him.
He dies the next morning. I know it the moment Lora approaches me, hands tangled together and trembling, eyes glazed over. My heart thumps dully in my ears as I meet her, dread coiling in my stomach like a nest of snakes.
"He won't let meâhe won't let me near him."
"Okay." I can't force myself to speak any louder than a whisper. "I'll... I'll talk to him."
"Thank you."
I hurry down the ramp to the level beneath it. I hesitate outside the tentâthe rusted zipper is pulled up, letting the flap hang limp in the muggy, unmoving air. Then I push it aside, slipping inside.
Noah is in much the same spot as yesterday. When I crouch next to him, he lashes out suddenly, giving me a shove that sends me falling back onto my hands.
"Don't touch him!"
"Noah!" I lunge towards him and grab his hands. "Noah, it's me."
He freezes as he recognizes me. Then he falls into my arms, shoulders shaking with sobs. I pull him closer, gently untangling him from the cooling body of his brother. I shift James' silent, unmoving form onto the blankets on the floor to better wrap my arms around Noah.
He makes no move to pull away, even after my legs have started to cramp up, twisted awkwardly against the floor. I don't know how much time passes, but I've resolved to not moving away until he does.
"He didn't evenâhe didn't even wake up," Noah finally chokes out. "He never even knew that I was with him."
I adjust my position, shifting my legs beneath me and wrapping an arm around his shoulders to press him to my side. Fuck, what do I even say to him? We've all dealt with grieving friendsâdeath is nothing strange in this world. But it never gets easier.
"I... I'm sure he knew, Noah. Somehow."
They're empty words. But they're all I can give. I shift, swallowing, and reach for his arm.
"Why don't we get you some water, okay?"
He jerks away from me like he's been burned, reaching for his brother, hands fumbling and clumsy with desperation. "No, I have to stay here."
"Okay, okayâ" I slump back to the floor, reaching for his hands and gently pulling them away. "Okay. We'll stay here. Alright? We'll stay here together."
He slumps back against me, barely able to nod. The exhaustion is clearly catching up with himâup all night watching James, almost nothing to eat or drink, and now all the nonstop crying will have taken its toll. I wrap my arm around him, feeling his sobs slow into silent weeping until his weight finally shifts onto me more heavily, his eyelids drooping. I ease him down onto my lap, cradling his head in my arms. He mumbles a few indecipherable words, curling in on himself. I place a hand on his shoulder, feeling his breathing settle until he finally falls into a restless sleep.
â
With James moved quietly from the tent, I gently slide Noah off onto the floor and pull one of the blankets over his shoulders. He twitches in his sleep, but doesn't wake up, so I let myself out of the tent, pushing a hand through my tangled hair. I feel heavy, like there's a weight pressing on my shoulders that I can't shake.
Maybe I'm just tired.
It's a cloudy afternoon, watery shafts of sunlight breaking through the low-hanging sky. A few people hang around, chatting in small groups or heading down to the storage level. I spot Ama at the same time she sees me.
I stop in my tracks, heart sinking. She gives her companion a few parting words, then heads towards me, ducking her head as she approaches. I look away, swallowing.
"I'm... sorry about his brother."
I nod, eyes burning. I struggle past the lump in my throat, tilting my neck back to look at the ceiling instead of at her. Ama's left an awkward distance between us, a foot or so of empty space that I'm not used to. She folds her arms over her chest, like she's not sure what to do with her hands, but knows better than to reach for me like she usually does.
"And... I'm sorry for being so harsh earlier. I justâ"
"Iâ" I cut her off, then shake my head. I force myself to look at her, then reach slowly for her hands, watching the way her fingers uncurl in my grip. "I don't want to fight right now."
She gives me a weak smile that verges on relieved. "Me neither. We'll... talk about it another time."
"Yeah." I free one of my hands and push aside one of her loose curls of hair, tucking it into her dark mane. When I lean in, she finds me halfway, kiss gentle and hesitant when we meet. I pull away. The space between us has grown warmerâher stony mask is gone; her eyes are large and dark and glassy, like a doe's. I rub my thumb against the soft arch of her cheekbone.
"I love you."
Another half smile. "I love you too. And I think you need some sleep."
I manage a weary laugh. "Yeah. Just until Noah wakes up, though."
"Of course." She links her arm through mine, skin warm where it meets mine. It feels like part of the weight should've lifted as she leads me awayâbut if anything, I feel worse, unable to look her in the face. Maybe it's because of the itch I still feel in the back of my skull, an incessant ache. James' face, ashen and waxy, still hangs in my vision whenever I blink.
I can't do anything to hurt Ama. Not when this has been so hard on her already.
And yetâ
I glance back at the tent Noah is sleeping in, rebellious lump rising in my throat once again.
â
Getting Noah to eat and rest over the next three days is difficult. He looks as though he's ready to throw up every bite he manages to swallow, and he sleeps in short bursts of consciousness, only ever drifting off if I'm nearby. As the days bleed into one another, I watch him waste away, growing paler and smaller, curling in on himself like a withering flower, like part of him was buried with his brother. He spends most of the day on the uppermost level of the parking garage, sitting between faded parking spots with his arms wrapped around his knees, staring at the sky.
On the fourth day, when I don't find him in his usual spot, I make my way down to the second level, weaving between shelters until I nearly bump into Lora. She lets out a shaky exhale when she sees me.
"Teddy, I'm glad I found you. I need your help."
My heart rises in my throat. "Is it Noah? Is he okay?"
"He'sâyes. He's okay. He's with Lucy."
"What?"
"I don't know. I was changing her bandages and he barged in. Said he needed to talk to her. I told him to wait until we were done and we could talk about what he needed, but he won't leave."
"Alright. I'll... uh, see what I can do. I'll talk to him."
"Thanks, Teddy. I've never seen him like this."
I push my way into Lucy's tent. She's sitting with her back propped against a crate of medical supplies, looking healthier than the last time I've seen her. At least someone is doing fine.
Noah paces as much as the tent will allow him, fingers tangled in his hair. When I arrive, he drops his hands.
"Teddy! Good timing."
"What the hell is going on?"
"She can help us." He gestures broadly at Lucy. "She's one of themâshe'll tell us where to go. What to do."
"I'm not going to fucking help you attack my friends," she states matter-of-factly, fists clenched among the blankets over her legs.
"Your friends killed my fucking brother!"
Noah has changed. His expression is cold, brows furrowed with rage. The trembling of his clenched hands is my only way of knowing that he's still barely hinged, that he'll break down at any moment.
"Noah, we should talk," I say, a weight settling in my stomach. "I wasn't able to get a group. I told you that already."
"Yeah, but thatâthat doesn't have to change anything. We just have to be more careful." His expression turns pleading as he fixes his wide eyes on me. "Youâyou still want this, right?"
"Of course I do, Noah, I just... think we need to wait."
"For them to attack again? We have to do this now."
"I'm not sure you're in the right state of mind for that."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
When I don't answer, he spins to face Lucy again. She's unable to hide a flinch as he gets close, stabbing a finger at her.
"Help me. What's the least-guarded entrance to the bridge?"
"I'm trying to save you," she insists, leaning off of the crates with a wince. "You're outnumbered. They'll kill you both, I promise. This is a stupid idea."
"Shut the fuck up." He turns to me. "I'm going to take our busâwalking would take too long. I'm leaving tonight, whether you're coming or not."
Fuck. I can't let him go alone.
And part of me wants to do it. This is what I wanted, right?
My voice drops without me meaning for it to. "I'll be there."
His shoulders droop for a minute, eyes welling with tears before he blinks them away, trying to straighten the angle of his spine to reach my height. "Good." Then he pushes aside the tent flap and leaves, steps heavy.
I exhale, reaching for the flap of canvas before Lucy stops me.
"Teddy?"
I turn. "Yeah?"
"It's not worth it for them. They're not going to attack again." She leans towards me, twisting her hands together. Her expression is earnest enough to make it really hard for me to hate her. "Please. We were all just... desperate. They'll be looking for somewhere else to relocate to, if the mutated haven't broken through already, but they won't give you any more trouble." She hesitates. "As long as you don't give them any trouble, either."
"What?"
"They'll kill both of you. You don't stand a chance. Please don't let him do this."
"What do you care?" I snap.
"Ama is right. We shouldn't be tearing each other apart."
"Maybe you guys should've thought of that first. Just don't... don't try to get in our way." I push aside the tent flap, crouching to get underneath. I pause, shooting a parting statement over my shoulder. "And don't talk about my fucking girlfriend."