CH 29

“Do you really, don’t love me at all?” Gu Jiuci asked him.

Tang Ziyou nodded, “No more.”

I dare not love you anymore.

Tang Ziyou sighed, his heart filled with desolation.

Before today, he never felt that there was anything wrong with him in his love for Gu Jiuci. He worked hard. He tried his best to love. He was proactive. He thought he loved Gu Jiuci very much, therefore he complained about Gu Jiuci’s fickleness.

However, at this moment, after Gu Jiuci clearly said what he had said before, Tang Ziyou realized that love had already changed him. He became something he didn’t even recognize.

All his dilemmas were actually created by himself.

Gu Jiuci appeared in his most troubled and confusing days. He helped him take care of his seriously ill grandfather, listened to his troubles, and solved the problems he couldn’t solve.

He unconsciously began to rely on him, liked him, and wanted him.

So when he heard that Grandpa didn’t worry about him and brought up the old stories, talking about the marriage contract between the two families, he didn’t hesitate to express that he wanted to be engaged to Gu Jiuci.

He knew that Gu Jiuci was unwilling. He also knew that because of this incident, Gu Jiuci began to treat him coldly and was even unwilling to come to the hospital, but he still wanted it.

Gu Jiuci once asked him, “Am I not good enough to you? Or do I owe you something? So you have to use my next life to make up for it?”

He listened to the resentment in his tone and whispered, “I like you and I will be nice to you.”

“But I don’t need it, do you understand? What you want to give, I don’t want it.”

Of course, he understood, but at that time, he always felt that the two didn’t understand each other enough. When they understood, Gu Jiuci might find that he was good and would be willing to love him.

He was like a person wearing sunglasses and pretending to be blind. He knew everything, but he was unwilling to take off the sunglasses, deceiving himself and others, believing that he would always be better in the future.

This was even more so afterwards.

He forgot what he had said and held Gu Jiuji firmly, just like a poor man holding his last wealth.

He had no other relatives. He only had Gu Jiuci left, so he poured all his enthusiasm on Gu Jiuci.

He always asked himself, why didn’t Gu Jiuci love him? Was he not good enough?

But why should Gu Jiuci love him?

Who would love a person who forced himself and failed to keep his promises?

However, he clearly wasn’t like this.

Since he was a child, he hadn’t been such a selfish character, let alone be the person who didn’t mean what he said.

He shouldn’t be like this, became a character that he hated.

One thought produced love, one thought produced hatred, and one thought became a demon.

Gu Jiuci had long been his obsession day after day and had become his demon.

So he twisted his character and made himself ugly. Therefore, he missed what he wanted most.

Love was the best thing in the world, but he lost himself in love.

Tang Ziyou gave up completely at this moment.

Whether his love for Gu Jiuci or his grievances, he let go of it at this moment.

He didn’t want to become something he didn’t like for anyone, so he didn’t want to repeat the mistakes he had made in his previous life.

“Gu Jiuci,” he raised his head to look at him and smiled softly, “I thank you very much for coming to say these things to me today and thank you very much for liking me. However, I have already left that relationship. I don’t want to go back, so I wish you find a new lover.”

Gu Jiuci looked at the smile on his face and listened to his generous words, his heart was full of obscurity, “I don’t understand. It hasn’t been half a month since I left before, what happened in these ten days? So you suddenly said that you don’t love, don’t love me.”

“I had a dream.” Tang Ziyou said calmly, “In the dream, I still love you until I die, but when I die, you still don’t love me. After waking up, I thought about it for a long time. I thought this might be the so-called seeking but not allowed to, so I gave up. I don’t want to live my whole life in the obsession of seeking but wasn’t allowed to. That’s too pitiful. I shouldn’t be like this.” (求而不得, meant wanting something or someone but can’t actually get them. And it implies that the more you want something or someone, the harder it is to get them. People use it mainly for talking about relationships, here)

“But I already like you now.” Gu Jiuci looked at him, “You’re not asking for anything now. We are in love with each other, so why don’t you want me to chase you?”

“In your cognition, as long as you look back, I will be happy and be with you?”

Gu Jiuci was stunned for a while and then said after a long time, “I don’t take it for granted that you will like me forever. I just think that you like me and you want me to like you. Then, as long as I turn my dislike into like, then your request will be fulfilled and we can have a good relationship, right?”

Tang Ziyou shook his head, “Of course not.”

He looked at Gu Jiuci, “Love and not love are a matter of one thought. Just like you suddenly fall in love with me, I will suddenly not love you. Gu Jiuci, do you believe it? Before you, I also hated people who kidnapped someone with love and the promise of elders.”

“I was also the kind of person who said, ‘no one makes him like him, it’s the person he likes on his own wishful thinking, so it’s normal for the other person not to love him’.”

“I am also a person who will remember every promise I made, hope that I won’t cause trouble to others, and hope that everyone around me will be happy.”

“But I’ve changed.”

Tang Ziyou took a deep breath and said dryly, “Because I fulfilled what I said, you think that I don’t want to tie you for a lifetime, so you feel that you have misunderstood me, and that you have created a prejudice against me. Is it what made us where we are now?”

He shook his head, tears rolling in his eyes, “You are wrong.”

Tang Ziyou said solemnly, “You didn’t misunderstand me, because I had forgotten the sentence I promised you. When I left and broke up with you, not because I realized that we were inappropriate, but because I had that dream. That dream was too real. I looked back on my life before dying and felt pitiful and pathetic, so I left after waking up from the dream.”

“But, if I hadn’t had this dream, I would never leave you.”

“It’s hard for me to not become aware if we’re not suitable? I knew it a long time ago, but I just wanted to tie you for a lifetime, because I love you, because you are my only family.”

“So you don’t misunderstand me. That’s not prejudiced. That’s the real me.”

Tang Ziyou’s tears flowed. He raised his hand and wiped it. He calmly said, “But I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

“Love is supposed to be beautiful, isn’t it? I don’t want to embarrass myself anymore. I am not such a person. I don’t want to let myself be someone I don’t like anymore.”

He looked directly at Gu Jiuci, his eyes were clear, and his tears kept streaming down.

Gu Jiuci approached him and reached out to wipe his tears, but Tang Ziyou held his wrist.

He moved backwards slightly, leaving his palm, and said calmly, “If there wasn’t for that dream, if I were still alive when we were just engaged, now, if you say you like me, I will be very happy to be with you.”

“Because I couldn’t see myself clearly at that time.”

“But now, I see it, so I can’t promise you.”

“Gu Jiuci, I’m very grateful to you for telling me that you also like me, but I’m not what you think.”

After he finished speaking, he smiled, sad and magnanimous.

Gu Jiuci was silent, not knowing what to say for a while.

Tang Ziyou loosened his wrist and stood up, “If there’s nothing else, I will go back first.”

“Wait.” Gu Jiuci also stood up.

He stared at the person in front of him, always feeling that he had never understood Tang Ziyou, and felt that he had never been so close to Tang Ziyou.

“Are you afraid or unwilling?”

“Both.” Tang Ziyou honestly said, “I don’t dare to like you again and I don’t want to like you anymore.”

“Not even a little bit?”

Tang Ziyou nodded.

He said, “Gu Jiuci, you deserve someone better and I deserve someone more suitable.”

After he finished speaking, he turned and walked towards the hallway.

Gu Jiuci didn’t chase him but watched him silently until he closed the door and left.

He sat on the sofa, thinking of what Tang Ziyou had just said, and his tears. He sighed deeply.

Gu Jiuci left without a hurry. He stayed in a nearby hotel.

However, he didn’t appear in a hurry in front of Tang Ziyou but waited for Shan Qikun to finish his work and return to the crew. He appeared with him which was called tanban (探班, visiting the class).

The crew of 《Spring Festival》 naturally welcomed Gu Jiuci’s arrival. Even Qu Wenyi’s face, which had been indifferent for many years, showed a little smile.

Tang Ziyou didn’t quite understand Gu Jiuci’s thoughts, but Shan Qikun and Gu Jiuci knew each other well. He came to visit the class and it was reasonable, so he didn’t say much.

“What do you mean?” Shan Qikun squinted at Gu Jiuci, “Visiting class? You?”

“Can’t I?” Gu Jiuci asked rhetorically.

Shan Qikun nodded, “All right. Tomorrow I will let the crew open the first batch of media visits. When the reporter comes, they can still see you and give us momentum for this drama.”

Gu Jiuci wasn’t afraid of him, “Okay, am I afraid?”

Shan Qikun was helpless, “Are you here for Xiao You?”

Gu Jiuci looked at him, “Otherwise, I really came to visit to see you?”

“What’s the matter with you two now?”

“We broke up.” Gu Jiuci said.

Shan Qikun was shocked, “You agreed?”

“Otherwise? I can’t hold on to others.”

“Then you stay with me now?”

Gu Jiuci was silent for a moment. After a long time, he replied, “Don’t ask.”

“Why?”

“I can’t speak clearly in a few words, so don’t ask.”

Shan Qikun was speechless at ‘couldn’t explain clearly in a few words’. He just couldn’t let him go, so watched him nearby? What was unclear about this.

He shook his head and let him go.

However, Shan Qikun thought of Tang Ziyou’s eyes and his simplicity when he was close to him. He felt a little regretful in his heart.

As for what to regret, he didn’t think further about it.

* * *

Tang Ziyou saw Gu Jiuci during dinner the next day.

Shan Qikun invited him, “Together.”

Tang Ziyou refused, “No.”

Shan Qikun was going to say something, but Gu Jiuci said suddenly, “I’m sorry.”

Shan Qikun: ? ? ?

Tang Ziyou looked up at him, with obvious puzzlement in his eyes.

“I didn’t tell you that I and Ah-Kun are friends.”

Tang Ziyou nodded when he heard the words. He thought it was something.

“It’s okay,” he said, “It’s all over.”

“At that time, I didn’t want you to know too many people around me and get involved with my friends, so I didn’t tell you. But I told them about your existence and they all knew our relationship.”

Tang Ziyou let out an “Oh” and said to him, “You don’t need to tell me this. It’s all over. It doesn’t really matter whether you know it or not.”

“Well, you’re right.” Gu Jiuci said.

Tang Ziyou didn’t speak anymore and walked sideways passing him.

Shan Qikun listened until Tang Ziyou left then said, “You just let him go like this?”

“Otherwise?” Gu Jiuci replied, “He probably won’t be able to eat with me. Let him eat well. After all, he has to be filming in the afternoon.”

“So you left the crew just to see him and say a few words occasionally?”

“Of course not.”

“What’s that?”

Gu Jiuci looked at him, not knowing what to say.

Tang Ziyou cried and said in front of him the night before, “But I don’t want to be like this anymore. I wasn’t such a person. I don’t want to let myself be someone I don’t like anymore.”

He cried very reluctantly, but he was very generous. Gu Jiuci almost couldn’t help but want to hold him and embrace him in his arms, but he restrained himself.

Because Tang Ziyou held his wrist before, he refused his touch.

At that moment, Gu Jiuci suddenly realized that Tang Ziyou really liked him too early. As early as in his memory, Tang Ziyou who liked him, Tang Ziyou who knew he didn’t want to and wanted to force him.

He thought that was Tang Ziyou’s character. He also thought that for Tang Ziyou, it was logical and unquestionable.

However, it wasn’t.

In fact, he had never seen Tang Ziyou’s most ordinary appearance, let alone his most natural character.

So he wanted to see, to get to know Tang Ziyou again, and to contact him again.

They almost became the closest people in the world. In the end, even if they couldn’t be a couple, they should understand each other and know each other’s character.

But he didn’t know Tang Ziyou’s character. He owed Tang Ziyou. He wanted to make up for it.

Gu Jiuci explored the class for three days. Director Wang watched him who didn’t leave. He curiously asked Shan Qikun, “Ah-Kun, how long does Xiao Gu plan to visit your class?”

Shan Qikun thought, what it had to do with him. Gu Jiuci clearly used him to build the plank road and waited for Tang Ziyou to secretly settle down. (明修栈道, meant to feign one thing while doing another or to cheat under cover of a diversion, here)

“Who knows,” he said.

“Your relationship is pretty good,” the director said with emotion.

Shan Qikun let out a cold sigh. His heart could be pulled down. He was chasing his wife, so he should really come to see him.

Director Wang leaned close to him, “Since you have such a good relationship, Xiao Gu isn’t in a hurry to leave, why don’t you let him have a cameo role?”

These words had been in Director Wang’s heart for two days!

There was no way. Gu Jiuci, such a film emperor, joined in the crew every day with Shan Qikun. Director Wang watched and his heart was itchy. If he could make a cameo and hit the gimmick of double film emperors, wouldn’t the ratings of this TV series explode!?

“Anyway, he’s also idle. It’s okay to play a cameo role, right?” Director Wang’s eyes were full of encouragement.

Shan Qikun thought for a moment and felt that there was nothing wrong with it. “Okay, I’ll talk to him later.”

“Good.” Director Wang said excitedly.

The author has something to say:

Xiao You: ? ? ? I don’t want to!

Xiao Jiu: This is my new number plate. Do you think it looks good?

Xiao You: Don’t look, take it away.

Xiao Jiu: [Grief.jpg]