Chapter 43: Knot Happening Again: Chapter 43

The clay yields beneath my fingers, cool and malleable. I lose myself in the sensation, bidding my hands to shape the formless lump into something beautiful. Something whole.

I’ve been in my studio for hours, the light outside fading as evening settles in. It’s become my refuge these past couple of weeks, a place where I can breathe without feeling the weight of expectation pressing down on me.

A knock at the door startles me from my reverie. I stiffen, my heart rate picking up. ‘Come in,’ I call, trying to keep my voice steady.

The door creaks open, and Maddox’s familiar scent wafts in. I relax a fraction. Of all the pack members, he’s the easiest to be around right now.

‘Hey, Effy,’ he says, his voice gentle. ‘Brought you some dinner. Thought you might be hungry.’

I glance at the clock on the wall and realize with a start that it’s past nine. ‘Oh. Thanks, Maddox.’

He sets a steaming tray down on my worktable, careful not to disturb my tools or the half-formed sculpture. His eyes linger on the piece, curiosity evident in his expression. ‘It’s beautiful,’ he murmurs. ‘What is it?’

I look at the sculpture, really seeing it for the first time. The clay has taken on a vaguely human form, hunched and twisted. Broken, yet somehow still standing. ‘I don’t know,’ I admit. ‘It’s just… what came out.’

Maddox nods, not pushing for more. He pulls up a stool and sits, his presence a comfort rather than an intrusion. ‘How are you holding up?’

I shrug, reaching for the fork on the tray. The plate is loaded with grilled chicken, roasted vegetables, and quinoa. A perfectly balanced meal. Rhys’s influence, no doubt, since Mace is out having dinner with his family and Troy had to go downtown to discuss something with his record label. They both invited me to come, but after everything that happened at the fight, and how my name and face are now plastered all over the tabloids as the Carver pack’s new disgraced omega, I couldn’t bring myself to go.

‘I’m fine,’ I say.

It’s a lie, of course. I know I’ll have to come out of hiding eventually, but a girl’s allowed to be a hermit from time to time.

And this is certainly a beautiful cave.

‘Bullshit,’ Maddox says, but there’s no heat in it. Just concern. ‘You’ve been holed up in here for days, Effy. Weeks if you don’t count only coming out of your studio for showers and occasional meals. We’re worried about you.’

I take a bite of chicken to avoid answering immediately. The food is good, but it sits heavy in my stomach. ‘I just need time,’ I say finally. ‘It’s a lot to process.’

Maddox sighs, running a hand through his short brown hair. ‘I know. And we’re trying to give you space. But… you’re pack. Our omega. And we care about you, to put it mildly.”

The words hit me like a physical blow.

Pack.

It’s what I’ve always wanted, isn’t it?

A family, a place to belong.

So why do I feel like it’s going to be ripped out from under me the second I let myself relax and enjoy it? The moment I dare to let myself believe these men that I’m here because it’s where I belong, and deserve any of this?

Leon completing the mark has resolved the physical pain. My scent is no longer unlocked, so I can go outside without worrying my scent is going to be a beacon to every unmated alpha in the area. And even though I’ve been avoiding him as much as—okay, maybe more than—the others, I feel the bond between us, as newly completed as it is.

Like he’s finally carrying the weight that should have been shared between us all along.

But the absence of those burdens has created a vacuum. It’s allowed all the insecurities and doubts that I never had time to focus on before, while I was in survival mode, to come flowing in and I realize I have no idea what to do with them. I’m an expert at surviving, but what the hell comes afterward?

‘I’m sorry,’ I murmur, setting the fork down. ‘I don’t mean to worry you. It’s just… complicated.’

Maddox leans forward, his blue eyes serious. ‘Talk to me, Effy. What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?’

I bite my lip, considering. Maddox has been nothing but kind to me since I arrived. Maybe… maybe I can trust him with this.

‘I feel guilty,’ I admit, the words coming out in a rush. ‘You’ve all been so welcoming, so supportive of my decision to let Leon complete the mark. And then with Rhys, it just happened. It felt right, and it still does, but… I’m not ready for anything more right now. I know it’s selfish, but⁠—’

‘Hey, hey,’ Maddox interrupts, reaching out to take my hand in his. His touch is warm, grounding, as he brushes his thumb over my knuckles. ‘There’s nothing selfish about that. What happened at the arena was kind of an extenuating circumstance, but even if it wasn’t, you don’t owe us anything. You could choose to let any of us mark you, or none of us, and it would be your choice. We’re not in a rush, Effy. This isn’t a competition, or about making sure everything’s equal at all times. It’s a pack. A family.’

I blink back tears, overwhelmed by his understanding. There’s that word again. ‘But you’re all waiting for me. I feel like I’m holding the pack back.’

Maddox shakes his head firmly. ‘You’re not holding anything back. You’re ours. But we’re yours, too. We’ll wait as long as you need. Forever, if that’s what it takes. Until it feels right for you.’

A sob escapes me, and suddenly Maddox is there, pulling me into his arms. I bury my face in his chest, breathing in his comforting scent as he strokes my hair.

‘We’re family now,’ he repeats gently. ‘All of us. That doesn’t change just because you’re not ready for more marks. Okay?’

I nod, unable to speak around the lump in my throat. We stay like that for a long moment, until my tears subside and my breathing evens out.

When I pull back, Maddox gives me a soft smile. ‘Feel better?’

‘Yeah,’ I say hoarsely, surprised to find that it’s true. ‘Thanks, Maddox.’

He squeezes my hand once more before letting go. ‘Anytime. Now, eat your dinner before Rhys comes after both of us with his judgy doctor face.’

I laugh, the sound rusty but genuine. ‘We can’t have that.’

As I eat, Maddox fills me in on the latest pack news. The media frenzy around Leon’s fight and subsequent press conference is still in full swing, but Maddox has been working overtime on damage control.

‘It’s a circus out there,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘But we’re handling it. Don’t you worry about a thing.’

I push the empty plate away, guilt gnawing at me again. ‘I should be helping. It’s partly my fault⁠—’

‘Nope,’ Maddox cuts me off. ‘None of that. This isn’t on you. Not even a tiny bit, so don’t let me hear you blaming yourself again.’

Before I can argue, there’s another knock at the door. This time, I recognize the scent immediately.

Honey and sandalwood.

Rhys.

‘Come in,’ I call, my voice steadier than before.

Rhys enters, his green eyes sweeping over me with a doctor’s practiced gaze. ‘Everything okay in here?’ he asks, his tone light but concern evident in the set of his shoulders.

‘We’re good,’ Maddox answers for me. ‘Just having a chat.’

Rhys nods, some of the tension leaving his body. I feel guilty for keeping him and the rest of the pack at a distance. For making them worry. Especially when our bond is still so new and fragile, but that vulnerability is making me want to push them away even more. It’s the only thing I really know how to do to protect myself.

“Good,” he says. “I was hoping you might join us downstairs. If you’re up for it.”

I hesitate, my instinct to retreat warring with the newfound sense of belonging Maddox has awakened. ‘I… what for?’

‘Nothing major,’ Rhys assures me. ‘We’re just watching a movie.’

The offer is casual, no pressure. But I can see the hope in Rhys’s eyes, smell it in his scent.

They want me there.

They want me to be part of the pack.

I take a deep breath, steeling myself. ‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Yeah, I’d like that.’

The smile that breaks across Rhys’s face is like the sun coming out from behind clouds. ‘Great! We’ll be downstairs whenever you’re ready.’

As they leave, I turn back to my sculpture. The twisted, broken figure stares back at me. With gentle hands, I smooth out some of the harsh lines, softening the edges. It’s still broken, still imperfect. But maybe that’s okay. Maybe it doesn’t have to be anything else right now.

I clean up quickly and head downstairs, my heart pounding with each step. The sound of laughter and conversation drifts up from the living room, growing louder as I approach.

I pause in the doorway, taking in the scene. Rhys and Maddox are on the couch, arguing good-naturedly about what movie to watch.

And there, in the armchair by the window, is Leon.

Our eyes meet, and I feel the pull of the bond between us. His emotions wash over me. All his hope, all his longing, all his regret. I know he can feel mine too, the complicated tangle of fear and anger and something else I’m not ready to name.

For a moment, I consider turning back. Retreating to the safety of my studio. But then Leon smiles, soft and gentle, and I find myself smiling back.

Just a little.

Things can’t go back to the way they were between us before, and the mark doesn’t change that. But… at least it feels like we’re on more equal footing now.

Like I’m not the only one with something to lose.

I take a step into the room, then another. The conversation falters as they notice me, but quickly picks back up, like none of them want to spook me.

There’s an empty spot on the couch between Maddox and Rhys. I settle into it, tucking my feet up under me. Maddox throws an arm around my shoulders, casual and comforting. Rhys settles on my other side, and I lean into him.

‘So,’ I say, my voice only shaking a little. ‘What are we watching?’

As the debate over movie choices resumes, I let the warmth of the pack—my pack—wash over me.

It’s not perfect.

We’re all still figuring this out, still healing.

But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.