I toss on my bed and turn to face Grey, my boyfriend. We've been together for more than five years, ever since college. I expect to find him asleep, only to open my eyes and be blinded by the light from his phone.
I blink twice at what I see. On his phone, there is a photo of a nude girl. He quickly locks his phone, placing it behind his pillow.
"Let me see," I murmur, my heart pounding as I reach for his phone.
He holds my hand mid-air with a smile on his face. "Chill, it is nothing," he says with a nervous smile.
I blink severally, it is happening again.
"I know what I saw. You are doing it again," I say, my voice breaking with hurt.
"I am not refuting what you saw. I am saying it is nothing to worry about," he says.
His words are a lie because i realize i am now worried.
"Why do you always do this to me?" Tears threaten, but I force them back. Crying only makes him care less.
"What are you talking about? I have done nothing," he takes his phone again. He unlocks and locks his phone again nervously, but the image of the girl remains burned into my mind.
A feeling of hopelessness fills me. He said he would stop, he did for a while. I said i won't forgive him again, i did.
I shake my head and sit upright, leaning on the headboard. The dim light from the bedside lamp casts shadows on the pure white walls of our bedroom, an irony of our relationship.
"I can't do this anymore, Grey." I whisper.
I hear him sigh.
"I am sorry. I am trying," He says back.
When we were just friends his small habit of flirting with girls online and adult sites didn't bother me much. In fact i would give his suggestions when we started to date, he took the responsibility to stop.
It stopped, then it begun again, stopped, begun, stopped....
I sniff, and he looks up, and in the dark, he can tell I am crying. He sighs, annoyed, stands, and walks to where we charge our phones and leaves his phone there.
"I can never understand what you want me to do. I am not the one that posted the photos." He comes back to bed and slips in.
I know that was not just a random photo on the Internet. I know what I saw. It was an open chat box where he had received a nude photo and maybe more I haven't seen.
"If I am not enough for you, just go and be with those women you like to chat with." I fall into the trap I said I wouldn't, arguing with him.
In these situations, I am always overly emotional. It is my first relationship and promised myself it would be the last and would make it work. While on the other hand, he remains calm and makes the matter seem light. It drives me insane.
"Why are you this intense? I am always here with you. Why would I be searching if I have you?" He says with amusement.
Am i intense? Or it is the sneaky feelings of insecurity when i see how he looks at them. I have never found actual evidence that he did cheat.
I sigh and slip back into a sleeping position. The bed feels like a battleground, the air thick with unresolved tension.
I lay facing the wall, and after a while I feel his hand sneak around my waist and pull me closer to him, his hand moving up to my breast and fondling it.
He blows air at the nook of my neck. His other hand moves to my ass, and I feel his protruding manhood poking at me. I can never understand how he gets turned on during or after an argument. While in my case, his touch just disgusts me.
I push his hand away, "I need to sleep. I have work," I say.
He tries to bring his hand back again but I push it away. He turns to the other side in a violent way, and I just lay awake until I hear him fall asleep, and I slip out of the bed to where his phone lies.
I take a deep breath.
My heart is beating so fast. I know what I am looking for, I know exactly what I will find. He always asks if I am looking for reasons to leave or stay whenever I go through his phone. I never have a clear answer. Maybe because I'm afraid of what I might find, or maybe because leaving him means facing a future alone.
I slowly take it and tiptoe to the bathroom and sit on the toilet and unlock his phone. I have all his passwords. He gave them to me.
That is another thing about Grey, he is a honest man. He will admit his wrongs and repeat them. He will give you assess to his phone and other possession, it is up to you what you find.
I check his open tabs. Social media, several dating sites, Message apps. His most recent is Telegram, where he was chatting with the girl who sent him nudes. It seems they have been for like two months. I feel my heart sink.
I should just stop, pack my clothes and disappear into the night. But the hurt renders me senseless.
I check his WhatsApp; his status, he has hidden it, such that I cannot see it from my end. I check for any locked messages. I have no password. That is new.
I wipe a tear. It is so easy to think about what you would do in certain situations until it is time to do it.
I have already found what I was looking for. Now what? Other than the text, it shows that there was never physical contact with all these girls.
I think of calling my bestfriend and pour my heart out, but how? if i am the queen of pretending it is all roses. I am alone, with no family. He is all i am remaining with.
I have done this several times, and each time I feel the same shit feelings after. I don't know why I thought it would be different this time. It never is.
Grey loved me, he shows it sometime. Maybe if i hold on a bit, he will be the guy i knew at start and not who he is now.
I lock his phone, stand, and leave the bathroom and return his phone where it was.
I know I won't find any sleep. I walk to my desktop and turn it on. As it boots, I unlock my drawer, a wooden box filled with secrets and my many identities. I remove a file Grey thinks that i already threw.
If only... i think as i revisit my past
It is named JOJO, i skim through the photos, reports and witness statements. Every detail of it is imprinted in my memory yet i couldn't close the case.
I jump up when I hear my alarm go off. I groan as pain travels from the back of my neck to my shoulders. That's what I get from sleeping on a stiff table. I realize there is a blanket covering me, my small flask beside me, and a note. Probably, Grey did all of this.
There he goes again.
I don't know what is wrong with me, why I keep doing the things I do. Why I hurt you and me. I have exhausted all the apologies a single person can take. It is nothing, you are the only one for me. I am not perfect. Just tell me how to be better for you and have patience with me.
I love you, Jessie.
I shut my eyes. I don't understand why he keeps doing this, or why I do this.
follow me