"What a night," Grey announces as soon as we enter our bedroom. He moves across the room and starts to undress.
My lips and throat feels dry in dire need of hydration but it can wait. I am tipsy and can't find my words. with my silence I wait he feels my eyes and hopes he looks up half smiling.
I wait... but that never comes.
Feelings of dissatisfaction fill me. Something is missing...unresolved, yet my mind and mouth can't articulate it.
I ran my hand through my hair as i feel it start to revert back to its curls. It is hopeless.
Grey is still absorbed by his clothes. His fingers fumble around them. Probably drunk as i am.
My mind races with everything i should say at once and what i shouldn't say at all. My heart pounds as I take a deep breath, trying to find the courage to voice my thoughts.
Why am i even scared to speak to my boyfriend?
"Grey," I begin, my voice trembling slightly. "How about tomorrow we recreate this night, just the two of us?"
He stops, his shirt half-off, and looks at me with mild surprise. "Can't. But i will see what i can do within the week," he replies, his tone indifferent as he resumes undressing.
"Please just a night" I persist, my voice barely above a whisper. What he can't see is the desperation in my heart, if we don't do anything we won't survive for long.
"I said i will find a night, it just won't be tomorrow," He snaps.
I am not surprised by his outburst, he seems to do that a lot with me, however his next words surprise me. He shakes his head and moves closer to me with a brief hug he say, "I am sorry, there is so much i have and i am doing it for us," He says.
I don't say a word.
Grey strips down to his boxers and leaves his clothes on top of the bed before heading to the bathroom. I follow him with my eyes, feeling the sting connection seems to slip further away.
How long can i hold on? Why do i need to prove myself?
I grab his discarded clothes, the smell of alcohol lingering on them, and shove them into the laundry basket. I yank off the top bed cover, hating the thought of outside clothes touching our bed.
I remove my clothes and tie a towel around my body. Maybe if start again trying we can survive this. He did wait for me before, it is time i do the same.
I am about to walk into the shower to him, when his phone pings on the dresser. I walk to it. It is a message notification. I walk away before i find myself touching his phone and whatever i find hurting me all over again.
My initial plan to join Grey in the shower changes. If i go in there i don't trust myself not to start another argument so i wait and go in after him.
He comes out of the shower in high spirits. "One the best showers i have just had," He smiles.
He immediately walks to his phone, it is like he knows she texted him. I watch him type and throw it on the bed.
"Is that Talia?" I can't help myself.
He nods, "She says she just got home safe," He shrugs.
"What a wonderful co worker you are looking out for her well being," I sarcastically comment chocking with jealousy.
His smile quickly turns into a scowl, "What is your problem?" He asks.
And just like that i have made the night worse. We can't have one peaceful day.
"You took her to The Nile Hotel, you have just texted her now. I work a shift of twelve hours, and not even a 'hi' do I get from you. Yet you are busy flirting with other women," I say with disgust.
"I work with her, should I avoid her?" He asks puzzled, and I start to feel like a controlling and maniac girlfriend.
"Why her?" I ask in a whisper.
He rubs the bridge of his nose and sighs frustrated.
"Why her, Grey? For less, you give her everything I beg of you, and the more I do for us, the less I get," I say, the words slipping out.
Finally he can see through my pain, and it must awake something from within him. "Just what do you want me to do?" he slowly asks.
I want you to want me, love me without having to beg. Is the right answer. But to say that out loud is worse.
"Forget it," I say.
And that just snaps him further. "Stop acting like a victim,"
I swallow a lump and stare at nothing. "What are you implying?" I whisper.
"...I did flirt with a random stranger on the internet who could or could not be a woman... Jessie, I try, but I can't forget," he says, his voice filled with frustration.
"And Talia?"
"I didn't flirt with her. She happens to be co worker who is a woman"
"But..."He cuts me off probably tired.
"Why do you make all these rules for me while...?" He trails off, staring at me with disdain. It's a look I've seen before. He will never get past it.
"Because...." I feel cornered and sobering up. "You knew who I was before. You said you loved me because of what I could become and not who I was," I mutter, wishing I had ended this fight when I had the chance.
"I...I..." He is dumbfounded.
"It doesn't matter," I state before heading to the shower and cry from there.
Once the water turns on, my tears flow. He's right; my past is too tainted for forgiveness, let alone love. I take my time scrubbing, hoping to feel clean and worthy. But even after all that, my scars whisper reminders of my flaws, convincing me I'm unworthy of demanding any love.
I wear my pajamas, and when I walk back to the bedroom, I find Grey already in bed waiting for me.
"I should not have said that," he says.
"You are right, and my past will always bother you. I don't see why I should put you through this torture of being with the joke of our campus," I say, walking out of the room and not giving him a chance to speak, afraid he will agree with me, and I know that is how it ends after six years.
As usual, I sit at my desk and boot up my desktop. I open the top drawer and pull out the card Oliver Cooper gave me. I inspect it. It has his number, but I doubt it's realâprobably a decoy.
A billionaire's son doesn't give out his number to staff; he delegates that.
An idea pops into my head, maybe because I'm bored or just need to hear another voice.
I unlock my phone and key in the number. My thumb hovers over the screen, contemplating. What if it is Oliver Cooper? What will I say? I push aside the "what ifs"
Finally, I press the call option, and it starts to ring. Oh God, it is ringing!
'Hello?' Someone answers, and I quickly end the call.
My phone immediately rings again, and I stare at it, hoping it ends. It does the first time and immediately rings again. He seems persistent, and I decide to answer it.
'Who is this?' He asks, his voice sounding hoarse.
'Jessie,' I say, doubting that he recalls my name.
I hear shuffling, then he speaks, 'Are you alright?' He asks. When was the last time someone asked me that?
I shake my head and realize that he can't see me. 'Not really,' I say.
'I am listening, talk to me,' he says, and when he opens that door, everything in my head shuts, and I can't find anything to say. There is a stretch of just our silence as he patiently waits for me to talk, and that is when I realize my mistake and quickly hang up, knowing that I might have just cost my job.
I stare at my phone, and when an hour passes by without him calling again, I know that he won't.