Soundtrack
HurtâNine Inch Nails
Heart-Shaped BoxâNirvana
Black Hole SunâSoundgarden
11
Jack
"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Jack muttered.
Mia stopped moving, forcing Jack to stop as well. If you had asked him to parse through every emotion he was feeling in that moment, it would have been impossible, for he was still reeling over Mia choosing Esme over him, and that was threatening to take over everything. If Mia didn't trust him to help her when she needed it, what did he even have? What had he done?
"This isn't going to end well," Mia said, complete with the smallest giggle.
That snapped Jack out of his spiral at least momentarily. Had this happened at literally any other time in their lives, Jack would have potentially relished whatever silly things Mia were going to say or do, but now it felt like a nightmare, and he wanted out of all of it.
Jack turned to her, his sweet Mia, and his hands held her face and his thumbs smoothed over her cheekbones. "I need you to relax, okay? I'll tell him you're not feeling well."
"He won't buy it. It's Andy."
Jack groaned; he knew this would be a long shot.
Soon enough, Andy and Carter had broken away from their friends and were close enough to Jack and Mia that Jack could see those perfect, shining white teeth. Rationally, he knew he had no right to hate this Carter mother-fucker, but emotionally, he wanted to knock every single tooth out of his mouth.
"Sup, Mia?" Andy closed the distance between them effortlessly. Jack rolled his eyes.
"H-hey, Andy. Hi, Carter." Mia gave a weak smile, and Jack knew they were doomed.
"Andy." Jack extended a hand, and Andy returned the gesture with a firm handshake; any other night, Jack would have welcomed a pissing contest with him, but his priorities had changed, and all he wanted was to get Mia safely home.
"Heading out already?" Carter asked.
The hand of Mia's that was slung around Jack's waist dug its fingernails into his side, cuing to him to let her talk.
"Oh, well, we've actually been here for a while. Ready to go home now." She offered her best attempt at a convincing smile, but she wasn't fooling any of them.
If Jack could read Mia's mind, he'd find that she thought she sounded completely normal, but Jack couldn't, and the anxious quality her voice had taken on made both her brother and his friend raise their eyebrows.
"Are you okay?" Andy asked. He stepped closer, eyes squinting at Mia in the dark. "You can come hang out with us if you want."
Her fingers dug into Jack's side once again, hard enough that he winced.
"She's fine. We're going home." Jack tried to turn them towards his car, but Carter blocked him. Mia sighed beside him.
"Really," she said. "Everything's fine, but we need to go now."
Andy leaned in closer to Mia, looking into her eyes. "Why are you being so weird?" He kept staring at her, and Jack could feel Mia cracking under his gaze. "Shit, Mia. You didn't take something from him, did you?"
She put up her hands in surrender, tears threatening to burst over. "It was an accâ"
Before Jack could process what was happening, Mia was no longer at his side. Andy's fists were clenching the fabric of his shirt, pushing him back and away from her. "What did you give her? What did you do to her?"
"Let go of me."
But Andy only gripped harder. "You've never done anything good for her. Not a single thing. No one knows what the fuck she sees in you."
"Let go. I'm not going to ask you again."
"Fuck you, Jack. You may have been able to fool my father, but I see right through you."
Jack set his jaw. Willed himself not to lose control. Tightened every muscle in his body. "You don't see shit."
Andy pushed him with everything he had, and as Andy wound his arm back, Jack heard Mia call to him; Jack knew that if he hit her brother, it would be over.
But fate in the form of a five-foot-two former college female all-around gymnast made it so Jack didn't need to. Before Andy could even get a decent swing in, he was laid out on the ground, Esme straddling him.
"HEY, hey!" She pinned his arms, and Jack simply looked on in amazement. "It was my fault, you jackass, not his."
"Get off me."
Esme smirked. "You're lucky it was me and not Logan who decided to handle this. Mia's fine. Jack did nothing. You and your friend need to go." She rolled off him and stood next to Jack.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Andy spat as he dusted himself off.
"Me?" Esme asked. "Or him?" She pointed at Jack.
Andy rolled his eyes and stormed back towards Mia. Carter was standing in front of her, one arm holding her back, and the blood in Jack's veins threatened to burst clear from his skin.
He shoved past Andy and closed the gap between them. "I swear to God, if you don't get away from her rightâ"
Mia had a panicked look in her eyes. "M-my hands and my feet and my legs feel funny and I think I need to sit down orâ"
In one swift move, Jack bypassed Carter (rocking him square in the jaw in his mind) and lifted Mia. "It's okay. We're going home."
She wrapped her arms around his neck and held on so tightly it nearly made it difficult for him to breathe. She trusts me. She chose me, echoed in his brain.
Andy was shouting something unintelligible at them, and then Jack felt the shudder of sobs begin in Mia's chest.
"He's going to tell my parents. They're going to be so disappointed."
"It's okay. Just listen to my voice. We're almost at the car, and then we'll be home. Everything's going to be okay." What Jack had wanted to tell her was that she was an adult and her parents' approval of her was unnecessary, but he knew that would only hurt her more. Once he was at the car, he opened the back door and laid Mia down across the seat. "Alright?"
She nodded. Jack closed the door, but as he opened the driver's side, Andy had made it just a few feet from him, pure rage in his eyes. Jack took a breath and rubbed at his upper arm. "Look, this was all an accident. She's going to be fine. I just need to get her home. Please."
Logan and Rory were quickly approaching behind Andy, but Jack raised his hand to call them off.
Andy shook his head with a scoff. "Take better care of her than you do your own mother."
Jack didn't only see red; he tasted it, heard it, felt it coursing through him. Never before had he felt such a surge of violence in his bones.
"Jack?" Mia's soft voice floated through the open door.
He climbed into the driver's seat, turned on the car, and drove off.
***
Jack was grateful Mia was in the back and couldn't see him; he cried the entire ride back to their apartment. How the mighty have fallen, how the stoic have wept.
When he pulled into his parking space, Jack used his shirt to wipe off his face. He then got out, rounded to the back, and opened the door to Mia. She was laying there with her eyes wide open, and he crouched down to her level.
"We're home. Let's go inside."
She blinked, then looked at him. "I don't like the way my body feels."
Jack let out a shaky breath. "I know. I need you to stay calm, remember?" He gently pulled her from the car, only to realize she wasn't fully capable of standing on her own. Jack lifted her once again and carried her into their apartment.
Once inside, he shuffled to their bedroom and laid her down. "I'm going to get you some water. I'll be right back."
In the kitchen, Jack filled a glass with cool tap water. Before returning to their bedroom, he took out his phone and texted Esme. "Thanks for your help tonight. Back home. She's a bit panicky."
He paced in the kitchen a moment, feelings of guilt and doubt crashing around him. Her brother was right: if he had never been in Mia's life, none of the shit she'd been through in the past few years would have happened to her. The only thing he was capable of was making her life worse.
Jack's phone vibrated on the counter.
"No sweat. Sorry for the mix-up. Lorazepam if she gets really bad. I can bring some if you don't have any."
On his way back to their bedroom, Jack stopped in the bathroom. His face was hardly recognizable in the mirror of their medicine cabinet as he swung the door open. His fingers grasped the opaque allergy medicine bottle he kept in there before slamming the door shut, nearly shattering the glass.
When Jack approached Mia, she was sitting up, sweaty and breathing heavily. He crouched in front of her and took her hands in his.
"It feels like I c-can't catch my breath," she said.
Jack nodded. "Because you're panicking, and that's making it worse. Sometimes, especially if you've had too much, you have heightened sensory awareness."
She gripped his hands tighter. "I hate the way this feels."
Jack let go of her hands and gave her the glass of water. "Can you try to drink this? I'm going to grab some pajamas for you."
Mia sipped on the water as Jack fished around in her drawers for a T-shirt and shorts. By the time he had what he was looking for, Mia's hands were shaking and she was close to hyper-ventilating.
He took the glass from her and crouched back down in front of her. Jack put one hand on her chest. "Breathe in, like you're trying to move my hand. Big, deep breath."
Mia tried, she really did, but she was also in the throes of a substance-fueled panic attack, and Jack knew a few deep breaths weren't going to make that much of a difference. With his free hand, he grabbed the medicine bottle he'd taken from the bathroom. He opened it, shook a few pills into his hand, and then selected one with care. He used the line down the middle of it to snap it in half.
Holding the pill in front of Mia, he spoke softly. "This is an anti-anxiety pill. It can help counter what you're feeling right now. I promise it will not make things worse, but it will take a little while to kick in."
Mia stared blankly at him, chest still rising and falling in inconsistent beats.
"I wouldn't give you something that would make this worse. You know that. I wouldâ" he stopped, taking a moment to keep himself from crying, for he knew how this was all going to end. "I would never do something to intentionally harm you. I only want what's best for you."
Mia nodded and held out her hand. She closed her eyes, popped the pill into her mouth, and swallowed it down with the rest of the water. Jack took the empty glass from her and kissed her forehead.
While Mia sat and worked on regulating her breathing, Jack helped change her into the clothes he brought over. By the time he himself had changed, her breathing was nearly normal. Jack turned off the lights, helped lay Mia down comfortably in bed, and then held onto her more tightly and dearly than he ever had.
Jack laid there with Mia in his arms, her cheek against his chest. Just before she finally fell asleep, she whispered, "I'm sorry." It was nearly inaudible, but that didn't make it shatter what was left of Jack any less.
***
The last morning they woke in bed together was much like the first time after Mia had come back home with Jack. He crept into the kitchen, made her tea, and brought it back, along with two pain relievers.
Morning sun ever so slightly broke through the edges of the curtains, and it cast Mia in the most beautiful light Jack had ever seen. She was angelic, heavenlyâthe starkest of contrasts against him.
Jack rubbed his palm over Mia's shoulder, and she stirred beneath him. "Morning, beautiful."
Mia stretched in bed, hands flying up to rub her eyes. "Good morning." She sat up, and Jack handed her the tea and pills.
"Feel like you're hungover?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Still feel like your body isn't your body?"
Mia swallowed down the pills and then shook her head.
"Good. That's really good."
Mia slid over in their bed and patted the space beside her. "Why do you like feeling like that?"
Jack couldn't help laugh a little. "I know how much I can handle. I just feel relaxed when I do it."
Mia groaned. "I shouldn't have taken that s'more without asking what was in it. I've known the group long enough to know I should have asked. I wasn't thinking, and I'm sorry it ruined the night."
Jack reached forward and cradled Mia's face with his hand. "Jesus, Mia. You're the last one who needs to apologize for anything last night."
"We both made mistakes. It's done now."
Jack swallowed, then hesitated, then swallowed again, willing the massive lump in his throat to disperse. "I knew she was going to be there. Logan mentioned it on the phone. I should have turned the car around, but I was too upset. I'm sorry."
Before responding, Mia took another long sip of her tea. Then, she looked into Jack's eyes with more compassion than he ever felt he was worth. "I accept your apology."
Mia closed her eyes for a moment, and Jack watched as a peaceful calm worked over her features. She opened her eyes and scanned the room, landing on the allergy medicine bottle. She pointed to it. "Has that always been filled with, well, not antihistamines?"
Jack nodded. "Personally, I haven't taken any in a long time. Sometimes I bring them to Logan's for other people. I...I don't want to talk about how I got them."
"Fair enough. Thank you for making sure everything was okay last night."
Jack nodded again, but words were suddenly failing him, and he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold back.
Mia closed her eyes and sighed. "I guess I'm going to have to call Andy. Sorry he was such an asshole."
"It's not your responsibility to apologize for him." Jack reached forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind Mia's ear. "But, you did say something last night, about how your parents would be disappointed in you." He shook his head. "You only have one life, Mia. You can't be so worried about what others will think of you, even your parents."
She didn't say anything. Jack wondered if he had been raised by different parents if he would be saying this to her.
He watched her finish her tea. He watched her snuggle back down into their bed. He watched her reach out to him, inviting him in to lay with her, to hold her, but Jack shook his head.
"I told my dad I'd help him move some furniture, so I need to head over there. Think you'll be alright without me?" It was the first time he had truly lied to her in months.
"I think the better question is will you be alright without me?"
Jack forced a playful smile. "Never." He leaned down and kissed her, left hand holding the side of her face while simultaneously tangling his fingers in her hair. He kissed her for far longer than usual, allowed himself to feel like he were melting into her skin.
When he finally broke from her, he whispered the softest I love you against her lips, which she eagerly returned.
On the way out of their bedroom, he pocketed the bottle of various pills he kept. The letter he penned for her at two in the morning was on the table. The bags he packed at three with his essentials were already in his car.
Before he left, he removed his key from his keyring and left it on the entryway table. He locked the door handle from the inside, stepped out, and pulled it closed.
a/n: I'M SORRY.
First things first: I am in no way condoning anything illegal. I am also not a doctor nor have I ever been high so literally those parts of this chapter are made up of hearing first hand accounts from other people and research I've done. It could be totally off base. I have no idea if anti-anxiety medicine is actually something that can help; the internet said so, so please don't take this as legitimate medical advice. Just don't do any drugs, okay?
Second things second: I'M SORRY. This has to happen. We're also strangely close to the end. Like, 4-5 more chapters I think. If I ever end up publishing this, I'd expand it from its novella format, but I've had it in mind for this to be more of a novella length work since starting my rewrite.
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I hope you have an excellent weekend,
L