I SAT THERE, on my wedding bed, slightly slumped from exhaustion. I could only see silhouettes through the red veil covering my head, the one that I'd been wearing for the past few hours. I was starving, since I hadn't been able to eat anything for the most of the day. I'd been sent here immediately after the wedding ceremony had been completed.
Chiqian's mother had whispered in my year that I was more than allowed to sneak a few pieces of cake into my mouth while inside our wedding room, but I'd only had a single piece. Any more felt like cheating.
It was a rather idiotic tradition. It was my wedding. And I wasn't allowed to attend the feast.
Absolutely ridiculous. I'd barely even had a drop of water, since I wasn't technically supposed to leave the bed a single inch until Chiqian came.
I hoped, dearly, for the sake of my bladder, that time would come soon.
The door creaked then, and I immediately shot straight. Footsteps neared and I could faintly make out Chiqian strolling towards me.
We were both dressed in a ridiculous amount of red. I could almost hear him smile as he said, "You must be tired."
"Exhausted," I murmured. "And I need to relieve myself."
He let out a laugh. "Then let's get everything over with quickly, then." He stepped closer, carefully picking up the red veil to slowly reveal my face. I smiled at him. He smiled back.
The red veil was forgotten as he moved over the hehuan wine towards me. He held one cup, and I the other. The last part of the ceremony. We had to drink from our cups with our arms crossed together.
We drank, and I placed the wine down. "Now I really need to relieve myself."
"Hurry up, then."
Grandmother had already told me the things that would happen next. Not that I needed her lessons. I'd learnt enough from some of the girls back in Henan who had loose-lipped older sisters. I was a bit worried, but it was what was expected of me, wasn't it? I was married now. And that meant my body was, in all sense of law, my husband's. Whatever he wanted me to do, I technically had to do.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me, but it was Chiqian who was my husband. Chiqian, who'd been nothing but kind since I'd first arrived in Luoyang, who'd been one of my first friends outside of my cousins.
But it was still surprising when I came back and he told me, with nothing but earnestness in his eyes, "We don't have to do it if you don't want to. You're still so young."
I blinked, staring at him. "But if people know..."
"We can fake it."
"The servants will still know, and they'll talk."
"Minxi, I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. You're only sixteen."
"Yunhua is only one year older than I."
"So?"
"But if the servants know... and if they tell others... it'll become the talk of the town."
"Trust me." He knelt down before where I sat on the bed, taking my hands into his own. "No one would dare. And even if they did, I am genuinely fond of you. I like you, Fei Minxi. The rest of town will see me doting on you in publicâhell, they already haveâand assume it is merely because you are too young, or because we do not feel ready yet."
"Okay," I told him. "Okay."
He gave me a sweet smile. "Do you want to go to bed? Do you want me to sleep here with you? Or do you want me to rest on the daybed instead?"
"Oh no, I couldn't do that. Sleep with me on the bed."
"Are you certain?"
I nodded. "We're married now, Chiqian. You're stuck with me, I'm afraid."
"No, you're stuck with me." He let out a soft laugh. "I'll go to the side room and change for bed. You should do the same."
He did that, and I called for Yan'er to come in and help me undress. She was uncharacteristically quiet tonight, a stupid little smile stuck on her face as she took my garments out of the room with a little curtsy.
I was left in my nightgown, and I cleaned myself up before laying on the bed. Chiqian came back a moment later, crawling in besides me.
"We're married now," he whispered. The candles were still left on and we laid besides each other, a careful distance between us. "My god, I never thought there'd be the day."
"It feels quite ridiculous, does it not?"
"You tell me," he laughed.
Between us, his hand brushed against mine. I didn't shy away. He was my husband and I was very much fond of him. We were excellent friends, and know we were bound together for life. We faced this city and its people together. We faced life together.
We still had so long to go. I was sixteen, he was nineteen. Life was still a long, unexplored path.
"Your parents..." he suddenly started, turning his head so that he was looking at me. "I have a feeling they won't be very helpful."
"No," I agreed. "They might ask for money. Influence. Favours. I will ignore them all, as should you and your parents."
"You truly are not fond of them."
"What I owe my father, I have already returned. I owe my stepmother nothing. I will watch for my step-brother only because he shares my blood, and because he's merely a child. He's innocent. But I will not give them anything else."
"I understand. I shall inform my parents. Would you like to move out, sweet Minxi? Move to a separate manor?"
"The choice is, as I said before, wholly up to you."
"We will decide when the time comes, then. My parents know their place, they will not interfere. You don't need to worry about them forcing me to take concubines or the like."
I let out a little giggle. "That is the less thing I worry about, Chiqian."
He flashed a smile too. "I promise you, it'll only be you. All my life."
"And if I die before you?"
"You and only you. I'm my father's son, and we're a very loyal bunch."
"This is a heavy promise to make."
"I mean it."
"Yi sheng yi shi yi shuang ren?" One life, one fate, one pair of people. For most women in this world, under this dynasty, this was only something they could dream of. And here he was, offering it to me like a gift on a silver platter.
I knew better than to completely trust him. Men, especially with these types of things, tended to be unreliable. But it still made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, the way he said those words while looking at me so intently. I suddenly felt a bit shy, turning away.
He reached over gently, turning my head. My eyes widened as he leaned in, pressing a soft, chaste kiss on my forehead. "Yi sheng yi shi yi shuang ren. Go to sleep, Minxi, you must be exhausted. I'll blow the candles out."
And he did that. I lied there for a long while, suddenly used to the feeling of someone next to me. When was the last time I'd shared a bed with someone? When I was much younger, perhaps, when I still had my nurse. But she'd been sent away the moment I'd turned twelve and I'd been left with tutors and servants. Despite my close relationship with Yan'er, even she never dared to sleep on my bed. She always rested outside.
Chiqian didn't seem to mind it. It wasn't long until I heard his soft snores. Turning to stare at him, I watched the gentle moonlight dance on his tanned skin. My husband. The father of my future children. Someone I'd be with until the end of my life.
Would we tire of each other, some years down the line? Grow to despise each other's voice and behaviour and appearance? Would we become separated by death like my father with my mother, my uncle with my aunt?
There were so many uncertainties and they all danced in my head, unable to be restrained and held back. In the glow of moonlight I worried, I panicked, I feared.
"Minxi?"
"Oh, you're awake."
He opened his eyes, blinking blearily. "Why aren't you sleeping?"
"Too many things in my head."
"Like what?"
"Don't worry about it, Chiqian. Just go back to bed. I'll fall asleep soon."
"What are you thinking about, Minxi?"
I hesitated, wondering if it would sound ridiculous if I voiced my thoughts. But after a long moment, I gave in. "Everything seems so perfect right now," I admitted, inching a bit closer. "It's making me worried."
"Don't be scared of the future," he whispered. "Things change all the time. We'll adapt to it. Of course we will."
"What if everything here falls apart?"
"Then have faith that we can rebuilt it all together."
"You're very optimistic."
"I just believe in myself. I believe in us."
"Okay." I offered him a little smile, though I wasn't sure if he could see it in the darkness. "I believe you."
"Good."
"Can you hug me, Chiqian?"
He seemed taken aback for a moment, but then he lifted an arm. "Anything for my wife."
â
I SETTLED INTO life at Prince Duan's Manor quickly. With the exception of heading to their house to greet them every morning and evening, my in-laws rarely put themselves in my life. Princess Consort Duan seemed almost excited to hand over all the ledgers and the management of the household over to meâmost mothers tended to be at least a little bit reluctant, since it reduced their influence in the household. And most mother-in-laws tended to keep a bit of control over everything either way. Not mine, obviously.
She was a sweet woman. A bit too easily excitable, but she was always very kind and considerate to me. Starkly different to the other ladies I'd met in Luoyang over the past two years. She seemed almost naive. She reminded me of Yunjun, with that wild, uncontrolled energy.
We headed back to the Shangguan Manor on the third day after the wedding, and Yunhua was there too. I informed her quietly that I'd already spoken to Murong, having not had the time to speak to her in private in the past few weeks. I'd seen her a few times, but there had always been someone else there and I didn't want to risk it.
Yunjun was ecstasticâ "General Feng Cao is coming back to Luoyag!" âwas practically all she could manage, and Chiqian seemed dryly amused.
"I didn't realise you were such excellent friends," he said, being one of the only people among us who'd actually met the man.
"He understands me," Yunjun said with a seriousness that made me want to laugh. "I have never met a person who understood me more."
"Some of my friends find his character a bit unsavoury."
Yunjun shook her head in disbelief. "They are all jealous, I think. Feng Cao is a genuine and kind man and anyone who meets him can sense it."
At this point, I wasn't sure who to believe. Yunjun seemed like a fairly smart girl, but the way she spoke of Feng Cao almost felt as if she had been completely and utterly brainwashed by the man. It was starting to become a bit disconcerting. And while Chiqian had stayed reserved about saying anything directly bad about the man, I had the clear feeling that he did not approve of this friendship. And it probably wasn't just because of a mistress.
Yunxuan was a lot more blunt. "Yunjun, are you in love with this man? I find the way you speak of him absolutely ridiculous and honestly a bit embarrassing. You're not usually this way."
Yunhua slanted her youngest sister a glare, but turned to Yunjun for her answer.
After a moment, Yunjun started, "I don't think I'm in love with him... but I do like being around him a lot. Again, we're very good friends."
Chiqian let out a small laugh that he quickly disguised as a cough. "Well, he will be here soon. You shall be reunited."
"I look forward to seeing him again."
Yunhua and I exchanged a glance and she let out a small cough. "Right. But we are not here to talk about General Feng Cao today."
Tianjin agreed. "This conversation is boring me."
Yunjun sent her brother a dirty look. "Everything bores you, you stupid boy."
"I am not stupid," Tianjin deadpanned, "in fact I think I am smarter than you."
"In what worldâ"
"Enough." Yunhua raised one hand. "That is more than enough. Let us not bombard Duan shizi with our idiocy and stupidity and sibling rivalry."
"Oh, don't mind me," Chiqian laughed, "this is one of the most interesting things I've seen in a while."
"You mock us, sir."
"Oh, I wouldn't dare, Your Highness. Isn't that right, Minxi?"
I shook my head. "This is ridiculous."
"Agreed," Yunhua huffed. "Let's move on. Yunxuan, you should start considering what you will do after your coming-of-age ceremony. It won't be long before you marry."
Yunxuan looked flabberghasted. "Do you hear this? She is telling me I ought to marry soon. Yunjun is not yet married, why should I marry?"
"I'm a special case," Yunjun said, flashing a bright smile.
Yunxuan stared at her. "General Feng Cao?"
"Iâ"
"I must admit," Chiqian interjected, looking thoughtful, "in the case you are interested in marrying him, I do not think him a good choice."
Yunjun scowled. "None of you even know him."
"On the contrary, I do know him," Chiqian pointed out. "As does Tianjin."
"Even I've heard rumours about his mistress," Tianjin admitted.
Yunhua's eyes narrowed. "You should not know of such things."
"I'm fifteen," Tianjin sounded exasperated, "not an infant. And the soldiers talk. Especially when someone's mistress is the most famous courtesan in Luoyang."
Yunjun looked angry now, glaring at all of us. "A lot of men have mistresses, you know. It doesn't say much about his character orâ"
Yunhua turned to stare at her. "I cannot believe you are saying this, Yunjun. You. Shangguan Yunjun."
"The Crown Prince has concubines!"
"Because he is the Crown Prince," Yunhua hissed. "And all of his concubines are official. Giving positions and stations and titles. Very different from a mistress that is not acknowledged even by his own family."
And I agreed. "A waishi is very different from a qie, Yunjun. And from what I've heard, he seems to be quite attached to this mistress of his. You truly, truly ought to reconsider."
"This is ridiculous," Yunjun shot out. "I'm leaving." None of our cries could stop her as she marched out of the sitting room. Tianjin let out a sigh.
"I'll go after her."
"No," Yunhua commanded. "You stay here, Shangguan Tianjin. Let her calm down and think about her own stupidity. She is in love, I think. Completely and utterly in love in the most dangerous way possible. Let us hope she wakes up."
"And if she doesn't?" I asked in chagrin.
"Then we shall have to force her to make decisions she may not enjoy."
"I don't like the sound of that," I told her.
"With all due respect," Chiqian murmured, "I think you should just let her be for a while. Your sister is one of the most stubborn young women I have ever met, and I think spending some more time around Feng Cao will open her eyes to his true character. I do not think of him as an evil man, but he has a tendency for being irresponsible and far too impulsive for his own good in the army. Not the most emotionally stable."
"Perhaps we could see if a marriage could be granted to Yunjun?" Yunxuan suggested softly.
"No, that will only backfire." Yunhua shook her head. "No point worrying about it right now, perhaps we should wait for this young general to arrive in Luoyang first."
"That seems wise," Yunxuan agreed.
okay my head was basically going through a war of "make this historically accurate" and "make this acceptable to a modern reader with modern views" and i sort of made a compromise between both??? but yeah.
basically, minxi is sixteen here and chiqian is nineteen. technicallyyyy illegal and probably a bit sketchy under modern circumstances but would have been extremely normal in most dynasties in imperial china. in fact in a historically accurate circumstance under a majority of the dynasties minxi would likely be under the age of fifteen (e.g. empress zhangsun was 13 when she married her husband who was 16 if i remember correctly). ofc in some she'd have to be fifteen to marry, and chiqian would be around the age of twenty instead... it changes from dynasty to dynasty.
ok i'm gonna stop talking now enjoy your day :)