I WASN'T SURE what I was meant to be expecting when Yunjun did truly come home a few months later. I did not go to the city borders to receive her, for I was busy with my own work helping Yunhua manage the new relief she was handing out to the poor in the city. Chiqian had pointed out that it was likely a good idea to help out now. Neutrality was not an option in this battle for the crown.
But I knew, when I was summoned home immediately from the market I was searching for a cheaper food source from, that something was wrong. Terribly wrong.
When I'd arrived at Shangguan Manor, Yunjun had clearly been crying. And it was an eerie sight. She was still dressed in her armours, but her eyes were puffy and red. Shangguan Yunjun was not someone I ever thought I'd witness crying, but here I was. And I wasn't quite sure what to say.
I stood there for a moment, stunned.
Yunhua shot a glance at me. "Come in and close the doors."
It was just the three sisters and I. No one else. Even the servants had been dismissed.
"What happened?" I asked, quickly making my way to Yunjun's side. "Has he mistreated you?"
"He," Yunxuan spat out, venom in her voice, "left her at the gates and returned home with his darling concubine, who followed happily behind in a carriage while Yunjun rode on a horse. And that was after we'd invited him to come to Shangguan Manor for some tea."
My eyes widened. "Surely he cannot be this bold in his... mistreatment."
"She's pregnant."
"What?" My head snapped to Yunjun.
"Kun Ying'er. Or, well, Madam Kun now. She's pregnant. Four months."
"And you?" Yunhua asked softly, sat on a chair, one hand laid on her own swelling stomach.
"Nothing. Not that it'd be possible, since he comes to my chambers once or twice a month."
"You've been utterly played like a fool."
"Yunhua!" I cried out, but the girl merely shook her head.
"You've been played like a fool, Shangguan Yunjun, and you were the last person I thought that would ever happen to. All those speeches of grandeur, about how you would be as good as any man, how you would best them all, and you've been played a fool due to your feelings and brashness and lack of thinking."
"I know."
Yunxuan was silent. "So now what?"
"I could divorce him."
All eyes snapped to Yunjun. I think we were all to some degree shocked that these words came out of her mouth, after all those months of pining so little time before. But she seemed serious as she glanced at us. "I could."
"Not," Yunhua snapped, "before Yunxuan marries."
Because it would still be somewhat damaging to our reputations. Yunhua wouldn't be that affected. But Yunxuan, being unmarried, would. Not at least until Yunxuan was properly settled could Yunjun even suggest the idea of a divorce. Especially because she had no real proper reason to do so. Your husband neglecting you was hardly enough in the eyes of society. And society had harsh rules, even for people like Shangguan Yunjun. Divorce would not be taken lightly, even with our current standings.
"Not to mention," I added softly, "the marriage was granted by the Emperor. Unless he does something unforgivable, it will not be as easy as that."
"So do I just take it?" Yunjun asked, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief someone had passed to her.
"You stay in Luoyang," Yunhua snarled. "You stay here where we have power and jurisdiction where he would not dare mistreat you. Do you understand me? You extend your stay for as long as possible. Feign sickness, feign whatever, I do not care. You are not leaving Luoyang for the borderlands until we sort this out."
"We're going to stay for at least a year," Yunjun said with a shrug. "Madam Kun is pregnant. We're not going to leave until she gives birth. I don't think Feng Cao is going to let me return to the borderlands by myself either. It would seem extraordinarily bad for him, and he does care about his face and reputation."
"Which is what we're going to use."
"And you're far safer here with us," I told her, stroking her hair. "We're family, we'll protect you."
She sniffled. "I know."
"Why don't you stay the night? Claim homesickness. Or that Yunxuan refuses to let you go because she misses you too much. I don't think you're in the right state to go back right now and face them," I told her, stroking her back.
"I might." She paused. "I don't think he'd care anyways."
What had she gone through in the past while, to go from so totally, heads-over-toes in love to... this?
I wasn't sure what I could say. I didn't think either of the sisters knew either. We were all asking the same questions in our heads, wondering the same things. Was Yunxuan scared? That she might head down the same path as Yunjun? Did Yunhua fear that the Crown Prince may cast her aside in favour of someone else?
And I sometimes worry the same with Chiqian as well. No one had ever suggested it yet, but I had been married to him for years, and still I'd had no child. Not even the sign of one. Not even the sign of a pregnancy. I'd even started taking medicine in the past while. No one seemed to blame me, but I kept wondering if they were thinking about it inside.
And if I was infertile, the only way for Chiqian to have a child would be through a concubine.
I didn't know how I felt about that.
But at the same time, they'd told me that Chiqian had no plans to have a concubine. But if worse comes to worse, if I was truly barren, what then?
If he had to take a concubine, it should at least be someone I trusted, who would be on my side. Who would stay in their position and try not to rise above their station.
I could buy a concubine. A girl from a respected family who'd fallen onto hard times, who would be loyal to me. Or I could volunteer one of my maids. Yan'er comes to mind.
But at the same time, the very thought of that... the thought that I was even considering this at all... it made me shudder.
I'd become the very thing I used to look down on. And it had only been a matter of years.
And the plan was thus made for Yunjun to stay the night. Yunhua and I would still have to go back, but Yunxuan would be here to keep Yunjun company and perhaps try to comfort her. There wasn't much else we could do immediately. Not without risking everything. And I didn't think any of us were ready for that, especially not at such a sensitive time.
The Third Prince was waiting for us to make a single mistake. We could not reveal it. We could not show anything. They might be doing this for power, but I was doing this merely for survival. I did not want to die, and I knew what my end would be if the Third Prince did end up becoming Emperor.
And I wanted to do this for Miss Heng.
The girl's face still haunted my nightmares sometimes. Wondering if I could have done anything else. If we should have never left her by herself with the servants.
But it had already been so long.
No one even remembered her. I doubted it was anywhere near the top of Yunhua's mind from day to day.
I hadn't seen Luo Xueying in a while either. She was still without a child, which was hardly unexpected considering the precautions made by Yunhua and Grandmother beforehand. I'd become desensitised to things like that now. It was what people did here. To survive. To preserve their power. To maintain the status quo, the status quo that aided them.
My father had been doing well in court, I'd heard. I didn't know how much of it was my uncle's work. But I didn't care either. As long as they did not come to bother me. It had worked for the past few years, and I dearly hoped it would work for the rest of my life.
I didn't go to immediately find Chiqian once I got home, the way I usually did. I had too much on my mind tonight. Instead I retired to my side of the mansion, dismissing Yan'er. And talking of Yan'er, I ought to find her a good husband soon. Someone inside the manor, if she fancied, or outside. She wasn't already promised to anyone as far as I was aware, and she'd have told me if she was. The choice was in her hands.
I didn't expect Chiqian to come summon me so soon after, and in person no less. So I supposed it was less of a summon and more of a visit. I told Yan'er to let him in, and he came through the door a moment later, looking concerned.
"Are you alright, darling?"
I blinked. "I did not think you'd come here. Is something wrong?"
"You usually stop by mine before you retire. You didn't tonight, so I was wondering if everything was alright. Is all well with your cousins? Yunjun returned today, did she not?"
"I was just too tired," I lied, as if there weren't a thousand worries swirling in my head and I wasn't sure if I could hide them all to his face. I was probably already failing. "Yunjun is not happy, Chiqian."
"What happened?"
"Her husband is neglecting her for his concubine."
"Hardly unexpected."
"He did not even come with her to visit the Shangguans."
"It seems very in-character for General Feng. All people I know say with utmost certainty he is completely in love with Kun Ying'er, and most people are convinced he and Yunjun are merely a political marriage. Well, it may be, but only on his part."
"She has fallen out of love with him."
"Good. I would greatly look down upon her if she did not."
He sat down opposite me. "Are you alright?"
"Yes. Just... thinking."
"About?"
"Yunhua's pregnancy is going along nicely."
"You're changing the subject," he chided gently. "Something's wrong. Are you upset? Did I do something?"
"No. No. Of course not," I let out a weak laugh. "It's just... all these things and it's making me wonder..."
"Wonder?"
"I've been married to you for how many years now?"
"Three, almost four."
"We have still not had a child."
"So?"
"Sooner or later someone will notice."
"And?"
"It will be a problem."
"You and I are both still young, we have plenty of time to have a child if we want to. Do you want a child?"
"You need an heir. What if I'm..."
"Even if you are barren, does it truly matter? Let the title flow back to the crown. Pregnancy is dangerous anyways, I wouldn't want to risk you for anything."
"Chiqian, you need a child, and I want one too. Pregnancy is dangerous but most women have to go through it and I want to give you a childâ"
"Darling, darling." He leaned over, taking my hands in his. "If you have a child, you shall. I promise you, my parents do not care. And if anyone else cares they do not need to."
"I think my relatives are already starting to warn me. They think I need to have a child soon or you might take a concubine."
"I promised you I would not."
"But if I am barren?"
"Frankly," he pointed out, straightening, "it could be my problem instead of yours.'
"Chiqian!" I gasped, horrified. "How could you suggest such a thing?"
"You're suggesting the very same about yourself. You know, Minxi, for someone with such forward-thinking cousins, well, at least one or two of them, you share some very old-fashioned views."
I fell silent.
And then, after a long moment, I murmured, "It's what society demands."
"And is what society demands always right?"
"No."
"Your cousin is one of the very first female generals of this dynasty. One of the only few in history, I'm going to guess."
"And yet she's trapped in a loveless marriage and unable to escape."
"She made her path. I admire some of the choices she made, the others, not so much."
"Do you think... do you think women are the same as men?"
"In all but anatomy, yes," he said bluntly. "I've met some truly intelligent women and some truly idiotic men. I didn't see much of a difference between the smartest women and the smartest men, or the most stupid among them either."
"I didn't think you were such a radical."
He let out a little laugh. "You must know so little about me, then. Minxi, I promised to never take a concubine."
"Well..."
"Did you not believe me when I said it?"
"Why would I? Many men make that promise in the honeymoon of their marriage only to turn back against it. And you're a shizi, the heir to a prince. It would be normal for you to have many concubines."
"That's not me, though. Or my family."
"Truly?"
"Would I ever lie to you?"
"You wouldn't hate me because I haven't given you a child yet."
"No. Never. Besides, worse case scenario, darling, we could always adopt Chang Yu. Chang Xun would be more than happy with it, and he could inherit. It is hardly the first time something like this has ever happened."
"I suppose so," I murmured, still slightly worried. "Are you certain?"
"A hundred percent. It seems like you don't know me nearly enough yet, darling, if you're doubting me like this. Come. Let us retire to our bedchambers. I'm sure we could both use a brief reprieve from all that has been happening around us."
And I followed. Of course I did.
But my worries hadn't completely gone away either. That was Chiqian's promise. But surely, after so long, his parents would be at least a little annoyed?
Perhaps I ought to take advice and start taking some medicine for fertility. I knew some women had bodies that were too cold or too weak to have a child easily. That could be why.
But Chiqian's words had also reminded me of something else. My own mother had died in childbirth. As with Yunhua and Yunjun's mother. It seemed to be something that ran in the familyâwhat was to say it wouldn't happen with me? Or any of us? And what happened then? If I did give birth to a child and left them motherless in this world, what happened next?
Though, it would be lucky if the child survived at all, if the mother died in childbirth. I was one of the luckier ones.
Was it a risk I wanted to take?
Perhaps I ought to let things go with the flow. If I had a child, I'd have a child. If I did not...
I'd bear the consequences, I supposed. I could shoulder through it. Hopefully. And most people saw the Prince Duan Manor and its inhabitants as a slight oddity over Prince Duan's refusal to take a concubine anyways, and thus Chiqian's refusal as well. Perhaps they wouldn't find it that odd that they were alright with me being childless.
Or perhaps I ought to just stop worrying about it.
Yes, perhaps that was a better option.
It wasn't as if we weren't trying to have children. But some things just weren't up to his and our ability. We could do our best, but it was up to the heavens in the end, not us.
And no one could go against the heavens after all. It was all up to their will in the end.
It made me feel a bit powerless sometimes. But then again that was a feeling that had followed me around all my life. Hardly anything I was unused to, though that thought did feel rather depressing to think about.
But I still brushed my mind off that. I threw myself, instead, into assisting Yunhua in her efforts against the Third Prince. The Crown Prince dealt with the machinations, Yunhua ran around the city being pretty and elegant and likeable, except that now, with her being pregnant, that was more difficult.
Yunjun sometimes joined us in our efforts too. Yunxuan did not, because she was still unmarried and it would be considered improper if she ran around outside all day.
I'd never imagined that it was there that disaster could strike, right in front of me and Yunjun's eyes.
soOOOO i feel like i should explain why i stopped posting this story for so long, and the simple answer is that i decided to try and query this book to a literary agent. now i did not expect it to work first time or be an easy path, but when i got an initial response, i decided to stall the next update for a little bit just in case it somehow miraculously ended up well.
i got a response earlier today! rejection (as expected), but honestly i'm p proud of the fact i even made it to a partial (basically i got asked to send a larger part of the book rather than just like the first chapter), and the advice i got was prettyyyy interesting & not something i'd ever thought of before.
(idk why i'm sharing this bc the version i'll be posting is still p much the original version but idk i just need a place to sort of vent)
the agent noted that the book just isn't very marketable. it's about 160,000 words long, which is really long in the ya genre, even for a fantasy novel. the overall plot is also p slow-paced (esp in the first few chapters which is what i was asked to send to the agent). she also noted that it might be wise to try to shift this novel to a more "adult" genre rather than simply ya.
the first two i think i can definitely do something about. i had plans to split this novel into two before i'd even started writing the first draft, and tho it's a slightly awkward length rn (part 1 is about 100,000 words and part 2 is 60,000), i can definitely do some cutting to part 1 and add some more stuff to part 2 to make it a feasible duology of about 90,000-100,000 words each. i think i can also definitely fasten up the pace, esp with the first half of part 1, which is prettyyyy slow.
but the third advice... yeah i'm just a bit at a loss with what i can do about that. i get what she means by how i can "adult" it (kind of), but at the same time, as a seventeen year old, there's a clear limit to how much i understand about the adult world and what adults like to read... so i think i can't do much about that particular bit of advice...
but yeah! eventually i'll start doing some edits based on these advice. eventually i do want to try traditional publishing, and i think a lot of my future novels will start going down a more "marketable" path in the grand scheme bc. well. that's my final goal. now the version i'll continue posting is still the original version, but eventually? i think i'll rewrite this novel.
and hopefully, one day, i'll manage to have this novel traditionally published.
but that's just the dream :) i still got a long time to go.