Chapter 32: Chapter 32

Adelina POV:

TW:  contains suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts, read at your own discretion

Numbness is a wonderful feeling. Or it's not. I couldn't care, I crave it more than happiness. Happiness seems far too unobtainable now. Numbness cured my spiral, numbness dulled the painful ache and numbness is what I call my drunken state.

Self-control was always something I lacked when it came to substances that would make me forget, that would make it all stop. And well, today, I needed it all stop.

I probably had half the bottle of rhum to myself before Sebastian took it away from me, insisting I drink some water in between. I had abandoned the coke in my rhum when I stopped tasting the difference.

I didn't listen to him and he couldn't make me. I snatched the bottle back and he couldn't argue, I'm stubborn when sober and even moreso drunk. Besides, he was too full of booze to bicker with me when I would kiss him.

The liquor hadn't fully caught up with me yet and I was just in between being blissful and drowning in alcohol until I caught a fleeting face.

I stammered, not quite finishing my sentence directed at whoever it was, and turned back and around, looking up and down for Michael's bloodied face. I could have sworn I'd seen it, or maybe it was the paranoia finally pushing through.

And well I couldn't quite forget it. The haunting thought followed me at every turn. It crawled across my skin and lingered in my peripheral of my vision only to dissipate moments later. He wasn't there. He couldn't be.

But my hand grabbed the neck of the bottle anyways.

Unbeknownst to me, my eyes were watering as the dark liquor went down and I didn't know where Seb had gone by then. A blond haired friend of his was rooting for me, chanting "chug" over and over again as if he knew the memory I was trying to get rid of.

Th empty bottle hit the floor with a clank after slipping from my fingers. I looked around, not sure when the chanting had stopped, and I realized I was alone. Everyone was talking, laughing and joking but they took a backseat to my thoughts.

There was nobody there for me.

Fresh air sounded nice right about then. I awkwardly stumbled out the door to the balcony, a cold draft smacking me right in the face but I welcomed it. My emotions were all over the place so when I decided I wanted to see the stars, I layed down onto the even colder pavement.

I gazed at them all in quiet observation. Some were bright and some flickered, some were close to one another and others awfully far from each other.

The people I loved were stars, I didn't know which ones but certainly one belonged to each of them. But I wasn't up there, I knew I wasn't.

I giggled at the thought, cupping my hands over my nose and mouth. It was all blurry now. What a thought; I couldn't have star, I didn't even have a light to flicker.

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, everything is so stupid. I didn't care much for any of it anymore, I was alone, I was forgotten but most of all, I was so damn unimportant. What was holding me down to this? To this life? To these people?

The answer was nothing. And I don't know why that was so comical to me.

Full laughs bloomed from my chest. It was all so funny.

My head turned, my ear made contact with the icy cement and cooled the metal of the earrings, and my eyes locked with the short steel railings. I stared and stared, until a thought casually popped into my mind. What would happen if I fell? And then how would it feel? Then what would it do?

I could distinctly feel every palpitation my heart made.  Slowly, ever so slowly.

I didn't want to, no, but it lingered in my thoughts, stuck to the walls of my brain. The image of my body on the pavement below the balcony, much like I'm positioned now, was projected onto my eyelids everytime I blinked. And I couldn't get rid of it.  It seemed my issues, whether they were family related, Michael related or mental health related, are never-ending.

I couldn't help but feel that, maybe, just maybe, it would solve all of them; maybe it would rectify the trauma plastered to my back and the demons that hide in my shadows. Maybe I could be safe in my own head.

Then I found myself idiotic, how could it ever be possible to be able to once again find peace in my mind?

It wasn't.

My intoxication was no longer blissful, it had turned rather dangerous now as a vile voice muttered into my ear, jump, the bloodied whisper sneered to me.

It shocked me, scared me even, because it simply would not go away. Jump, jump, jump, it repeated.

I sat upright and slowly backed away, staring at the railing like it was the one that had planted the thoughts in my head. I suddenly didn't trust myself anymore, because for a split second I had considered it.

And that's how I found myself here and now, sitting on some couch having just finished calling Valerio and asking him to come and get me.  I don't know how I thought drinking more would help, but I took a shot before doing so, easing the nerves I wasn't even feeling because of how drunk I already am.

If he noticed my slurred speach, he hadn't said anything. He had merely accepted to pick me up without asking further questions.

It doesn't take long for him to get here and I stay near the door for him to find me easily.

He enters wordlessly, effortlessly blending into the crowd of drunk teenagers, a hardened expression resting on his face. His eyes search, but I don't make his task of finding me simple as my legs feel like jello and my vision is swaying.

His hand reaches into his back pocket and pulls his phone out. A couple clicks later he holds it to his ear and I feel a soft vibration on my leg. Looking down I see he's calling me and stumble around, trying to click the answer button but failing.

"Rio," I say into the phone.

I could see his eyebrows scrunch in confusion, but he ignores the new nickname "Where are you," his gruff voice speaks. I laugh slightly, not quite knowing how to give him the answer he was looking for, " I can seee youu'" I sing.

I see him lift his head toward the ceiling, fustration now creeps into his tone "this isn't a fucking game, where are you?" his head is now turning side to side.

As I was about to answer, he suddenly spots me. His walk over to me was a lot quicker than his normal pace, his face slightly twisting with annoyance every time a drunk and sweaty body would touch his.

His arm reached out to grab mine in a harsh grip, pulling me from where I was sitting. While stumbling over my feet, trying to keep up with his motions, my face comes inches from the ground.

He must realise that I was about to fall, as he yanks the arm he is holding to prevent my nose from coming in contact with the floor.

He stops all motion,  picking me back up and setting me straight as an easy grin rests on my lips and he grabs my face gently between his hands. That would have been funny, I think to myself. His eyes examine mine, "fucking hell," he murmurs under his breath "this is going to be a shit show."

♢♢♢♢♢♢♢♢

I become as mentally sober as can be very quickly.  Whether that is the result of throwing up my guts on the side of some service road or because of the thought of jumping out of the moving car stuck like superglue to the wall of my mind will remain unknown to me.

Sitting parked in front of the house, ice runs it's course through my veins. It's doing what it's supposed to, it's numbing me, as it has already done countless times before. It isn't frozen fear, nor cold regret, it is simply frigid temperature blood made to desensitise me.

Valerio sits next to me, his face giving nothing away but he too hasn't moved yet. His jaw ticks with what I can only assume is annoyance every so often and only looks at me to say, "You're in deep shit."

My heart starts to pound slightly faster  but I keep myself stable, "Is that meant to scare me?" I quip. There is no tremble in my voice and I stay perfectly still facing the house I know I could never call home while I feel his eyes burn holes into the side of my face.

He observes me with such quiet acuity, no doubt trying to figure out the mystery they've all pegged me to be, "There is no reason to ever be afraid of any of us," sincerity leaks from his eyes in a way that is so unnatural to him "I'm just going to tell you what to expect."

"I can handle myself just fine," my tone is biting, my words slightly slurred together and my vision not having completely regained focus.

"Would you just fucking listen to me," anger creeps into his words and his knuckles turn white around the wheel "I'm not saying you're not capable of handling yourself, Adelina, you're a fucking Bianco."

I scoff and shake my head while turning to face him, "Don't call me a fucking Bianco," I snarl "And I won't take advice from one."

"Hear me out dammit."

But I didn't want to hear it, not one word.

"Domenico isn't one to be fucked with, alright? Just accept what he has to say, don't fight it." with that, he exits the car and leaves me to follow. With reluctance, I step out aswell and join him as he waits.

He doesn't look at me and I can't find it in me to care, he acts as if I haven't already walked through hell and crawled out breathing. He's behind as I enter the house feeling the eerily calm atmosphere.

With one look back at him I understood his presence behind of me wasn't intended to make me feel caged in, but meant to be assurance.

I didn't need it.

Holding my chin high, I walk to where I know they'll be waiting. I walk straight into the flames. I could hear quiet, angry voices as I approach the living room and don't bother announcing my presence when I walk in.

The atmosphere is tense and I physically feel the attention of all of the brothers become transfixed on me. They sit somewhat scattered in the room and there are empty places in between them all.

They are letting me choose, the thought washes over me, they want me to pick my own poison.

My eyes meet Valentino's relieved ones and I could see the little bit of amusement lurking within the depth of them.

I see Valerio leaning on the doorframe from the corner of my eye and understand he most likely has no intention of sitting until I do. In other words, he goes where I go.

My heart slightly raises into my throat. I don't know who benefits from Valerio's behaviour, whether Domenico asked him to follow closely behind me like I was a prisoner needing to be kept in line or whether he thinks I need his assurance, both are insulting.

"Please," Domenico's collected tone breaks through the silence we have all created "sit. We have much to discuss."

My legs, who seem to have a mind of their own, take me over to sit next to Raffaele and Valerio joins my side on moments later, sitting stiffly and staring at his oldest brother.

Confidence, attitude, I remind myself. That's what will get me through, build the wall and don't let anyone see the cracks. Paint pretty flowers over it or paint flames.

My legs are crossed over each other, as are my arms and I lean all the way back into the cushions of the couch while indifference rests on my face. But it seems I'm the only one who chooses this emotion to convey because in Domenico's eyes, there is only cold hard fury.

"Nice of you to join us," his voice is even with no trace of anger, but I know better than to trust things that can be manipulated so easily. I raise my eyebrows, wanting him to see my faint amusement, "The pleasure is all mine, truly."

I can already see this conversation turning sour. I could feel the stares of the others in the room bouncing between the both of us but neither of us pay much attention to it.

"Let's not waste much time, shall we? Where were you?" he now stands to the left of a coffee table, maybe finding that sitting made him restless but knows that a confident, authoritative man like him shouldn't fidget. It's bad for his image.

"I don't see how that concerns you," my smile is sarcastic, he must know it.

"You now live under my roof."

"Have we not had this conversation before?" I know my words are taunting.

Valentino whips his gaze towards me, his eyes wide with warning. Proceed with caution, they scream to me, but my caution was thrown to the wind with my first sip of alcohol and I can't see what buttons I'm pushing since my sight became hazy.

Everyone turns to Valerio next, expecting an answer to my whereabouts, but receive a cold shoulder instead.

Domenico is having none of it and shoots a quick look over to Francesco. I follow his eyes too see the second oldest brother's leg bouncing, I can practically see his skin itching to jump up and handle the situation himself.

I don't know him well, I know him the least in fact but in whatever way makes sense, I know him.

He's smart, so so smart, but goodness he can't control himself for shit.

Domenico's nod is slight and a mutual understanding passes between the two. In fact, everyone has noticed it and I can feel the strained atmosphere increase.

Domenico's eyes find mine once again, "I think I've given her enough time to adjust, haven't I Francesco?"

Francesco's voice rings out clear, "Perhaps too much, fratello,"  he growls.

I don't look at him, I don't give him the satisfaction. Instead, I keep my eyes on the oldest. Confusion pokes me, what have I not figured out yet?

"I think I've given you more than enough time to settle in, Adelina. I have given you freedom and room to act as you wish. I have allowed you to disrespect me, our family and the rules of this household in the name of you finding comfort and familiarity in this new situation. Take this as your sign that that time is up. As any other member, you are expected to respect those around you. It is clear you no regard for your brothers and I and I suppose it is perhaps time to start holding you to a higher standard."

Normally the words would not have made a dent. They would ricochet off me body, my mind but today, I feel the mental dent it puts in the barrier I have made for myself. I speak before I have time to think over a correct response, "Hold me to no standard, I have no intentions to maintain it."

I did not even obtain Valentino's mirth. Unfased by my words, he continues "Since it is clear you cannot fufill our simple requests, they will no longer be requests. Starting now I will be setting rules that I do not ask you uphold, but ones I demand you uphold. Seeing as your favorite activity seems to be staying out until the small hours of the night, the first one is a curfew of eight thirty that I have no qualms with adjusting if need be."

I scoff, shaking my head into my hands, "Yea, that's not going to work for me." I stand, taking slow, and maybe even predatory steps towards him "I am no one's lapdog." I stop a couple steps away from him.

We are in a standstill, Domenico's eyes staring into mine until he mirrors my actions, only slower and undoubtedly more intimidating.  "You seem to have it confused" he sighs and I see a slight shift in my peripheral vision. I turn only to find Valerio on his feet leaning unmoving nearby, danger lurking in his eyes.

"I quite agree, you are not a lapdog of any kind. You are, however, under my legal guardianship. In case you are not familiar with the term, it means I have the duty of caring for your best interest and since you have proven time and time again that you cannot make the appropriate decisions for yourself you have forced me to set rules outlining what is necessary for your own well being. Seeing as I wish to have this conversation with you whilst you are completely sober, it will have to wait until morning..."

I choose to no longer hear his lecture and start walking away, making my way up to my bedroom to process the emotions building up. Or get high, I haven't decided yet.

I could hear footsteps behind me, but they are not quick, and I make no move to speed up mine either. That is until Domenico starts speaking again, " You would do well to remember that I'm now in charge of you and will prioritise your health over all else."

His voice, cold and detached, could be considered barely audible. And while even this would have a grown man shivering in fear, it has only stopped me dead in my tracks.

"You are not my mother," my heart breaks at the thought of her "nor are you my father. You cannot control me or the things I do. I appreciate your concern, but I assure you your "help" is not wanted or needed."

"I'm afraid I have little care for your opinion on the matter. My decision is final, it is not up for discussion. Have a good night."

But I refused to let the matter go. By now, the brothers fill the large hallway and observe in silence. There is a dying flame somewhere in the depths of my heart that refuses to be extinguished. Maybe it is what has kept me alive all these years, so it is only habit I give in to it.

My mind is exhausted, it has taken beating after beating, reminder after reminder and memory after memory. It aches beyond rationality, I have completely lost my reason and have formed an inability to find new things to say.

I could only repeat, you don't own me, you can't control me and wonder why they can't hear me.

"I will never respect you enough to give a shit about what you say," haven't I said this all before? Like a broken record, I can't play a new tune.

They all stare at my struggle, whether they recognise it or not, nobody else gets involved. Never have I ever been subjected to such quiet observance, and it makes my skin crawl.

Domenico does not respond right away. Instead, he walk to me. The hallway way feels never ending and all too short at the same time. His strides are long, powerful and confident and he reaches me in no time without trying to be quick.

I refuse to move, I stare up at him in stormy defiance. He is unphased, taking a long look at me,"I understand," he takes a breath and continues after seeing the confusion on my face "Respect is earned, and it is a two way street. I have done nothing to earn your respect, so trust me to understand that you do not have any for me."

He's not wrong, but I refuse to agree. Instead, I move to leave once again.

"However, you must understand, you have done nothing to earn mine," he starts speaking "And after this whole ordeal, which does not only include tonights events, you do not have my trust either. These are things that can't be formed in a day and it is for this reason that I must lay down the law with you. It is no different for any of our brothers, at one point or another, I have been forced to do the same for each and every one of them. You must learn now that this behaviour is not tolerated, and in this household until the time you are a legal adult, we, but most importantly I, hold authority over you."

Rule number twelve, all rules apply to anyone of authority.

The air is knocked out of my lungs and every piece of fight I have exits my body swiftly. Some cord snaps, unleashing cold water over my head. Every ounce of confidence I had put on is stripped away and my my mind is left naked, bare.

The stitches I used to rebuild myself are ripped open and I am returned back into the mindset I swore to myself I would never be in again.

But suddenly, I am back in Michael's house and obeying his every command.

____________________________________

Hello my loveliesssss

Long time no see, huh?

I missed you alllll

School and life got in the way, but here it is!

thank you all for being patient, I made this one longer than normal

Let me know what you think!

comments?

I hope you all enjoyedd

Bye loveliess