Xavier had been keeping a close eye on me since they'd found me. It wasn't always obvious, but I'd spotted his car across the street from Cash's bar last night. He'd followed me there and stayed for the entirety of my shift.
I'd thought about confronting him, but a part of me wondered whether it was better to let it go. I'd almost felt at peace walking across to my car, knowing he was close by.
The door to the Patridge house swings open and even though I know he lives here, I feel my heart sink when Brax stands before me.
"Oh. Hi."
He doesn't say anything at first. He stares at me, his gaze sweeping over my body as he takes me in.
"I'm here to see Sof," I say. "Just wanted to chat."
"She's out at the moment," he says. "Should be back soon."
I nod, clearing my throat. "Okay. I'll come backâ"
"You can wait in here," he steps back from the doorway.
"No, that'sâ"
"Rhea."
Something about the way he says my name makes me stop. I had a whole excuse prepared to use, that I could come back another day to see Sof, that it wasn't that important. It dies on my mouth instantly.
"Okay," I say.
I can't look at him as I walk past, barely able to scrap through without knocking into his giant frame.
I was strange how many memories I had of this place. They seemed to hang heavy in the room with me, like a burden on my shoulders. Casey's laughter always made it better though.
My eyes seem to land on Casey's picture framed on the wall. I'm suddenly hit with a memory of him running me a bath when I'm was sad. The way he loved the garden. The way he looked when he died in my arms.
I jerk my head away from the photo, clutching a hand to my throat. Tears spring in the corners of my eyes and I bite my lip to keep them at bay.
"Did you want something to drink?" Brax asks.
"Um, maybe just a water," I mumble, taking a seat on the couch.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket. Taking it out, I find a new message from Maia.
Dean, Maia and Lay had created a group chat the day I'd come home from being kidnapped. They'd wanted to go to the police straight away but Xavier had warned them against it, explaining that he'd find me first. It took a lot of restraint to stop my brother from going apeshit apparently.
Since coming home, the group chat has a new message every few minutes. The girls had also made me turn my location on so that they could track my every move. They'd also moved into my apartment for the week, sleeping on the couch.
Maia: WHY IS YOUR LOCATION TELLING ME YOUR AT THAT FUCKING HOUSE?
Maia loved to use her caps lock at any given time. It was her way to enhance her anger, she'd always said.
Me: Just here to speak with Sof about Beckett. They had a fight about something.
Layla: Please be safe.
My phone starts ringing. It's an incoming call from Dean. Great. Maia had clearly alerted him with the text.
I decline it. It rings again. I text him that I'm okay and that I'll be home soon. He rings again. I power off my phone.
"Rhea."
Brax's voice startles me. He's standing so close that I involuntarily take a step back from him. He hands me the glass of water, not meeting my eyes.
I sit down on the edge of the lounge chair, staring ahead at the blank television screen.
"How long do you think she'llâ"
"Not long."
"Okay," I clear my throat. "I mean, it's not that important. I really could justâ"
"Do I make you that uncomfortable?"
I turn towards him and he's looking at me now, almost piercing right through me.
I don't have an adequate response to that. I didn't feel a sense of discomfort but I didn't feel calm either. I felt like this still wasn't real.
"I understand the hate," he nods. "But I'm still me. I'm still..."
It's not unlike him to suddenly shut down when he finally starts to explore his feelings. It almost feels normal, if not for a second.
"It's hard for me," I say suddenly. "I don'tâpart of me can't even stand being in the room without you right now."
He looks away and I notice the subtle clench of his jaw.
"You couldn't have gone about all of this so much better," I whisper, afraid that if I speak any louder, my voice will waver. "You didn't have to..."
Leave me.
"You didn't have to kill to get revenge," I say instead. "I could have helped you, legally."
"You think as a lawyers intern that you have the power to bring justice?" He retorts. "I did what had to be done."
"I'm not going to fight with you," I say. "I didn't come here for that and quite frankly, it never seems to get us anywhere."
"So you just wanna sit in silence?"
"Or, we could have a conversation," I state suddenly. It surprises him just as much as me. I hadn't really known I'd felt ready to talk to him, but maybe it was easier just to rip the Band-Aid off.
"Without you getting defensive and me yelling," I continue. "Without our usual toxicity."
"You're finally ready to listen?" He says quietly.
I look at him, remembering the guy that I lovedâlove, if I was being true to myself. Of course, I still loved him, but that didn't mean I liked being around him.
"I want to ask you some questions first," I begin.
He takes a seat opposite me, leaning back into the couch. "Alright. Good ahead."
"Why'd you really leave?"
He stares at me blankly. Resting his arms on his knees, he leans forward. "You know why. I lent into the anger more than ever before and I did what needed to be done."
I shake my head. "I believe half of that. You did lean into the anger, but you left because you couldn't deal with the pain. Of course, maybe that goes hand-in-hand with harming others, but that wasn't what fuelled you to leave."
He scratches at the stumble under his jaw and I see his eye twitch. I've made him uneasy. I'm hitting the target.
"I'm not sure what you mean," he says, monotone.
I stand up now, because I know he's going to back out of having this conversation with me if I don't control it. Just like he always did in the past.
I'm done avoiding the hard conversations, though. If he thinks it's okay to leave for a year and just reappear than he can damn well listen to the cold truth.
"Yes, you do," I continue. "You left because of what happened with Casey. You never spoke to me about how much his death affected you. We always glossed over the topic before you just vanished. You left because you were in pain. You didn't leave because you needed to kill, you left because you couldn't handle the memory of him everywhere."
"Stop," Brax shakes his head.
"I've been so angry at you for coming back and acting like you're some hero for taking peoples lives. But I know deep down it's all a ploy, a tactic to hide how you've been feeling this past year. You think that Casey was your sole responsibility and that you let him down.
"Well," my voice breaks now but I push on. "I'm here to tell you, that no matter how angry I am with you, no matter how much you infuriate me, his death was not your fault. He loved you so much and I know he wouldn't want this for you."
"Stop it, Rhea."
"I know you think leaving was going to help me, that I'd just move on with my life and forget you. Well, you failed! I think about you every fucking day I wake up. That whole year you were gone, I prayed it was all fake. And then it was. And it sucked just as much as when I thought you were dead."
That's when I see it, the single tear rolling down his cheek. One of the most emotive responses I'd seen from him, other than anger.
"Talk to me, Brax. Don't blow up at me and hide how you're feeling. Just...talk."
He digs his plans into his eyes, clenching his teeth. "What do you want me to say, Rhea?" he holds out his palms, almost like he's surrendering.
"Anything."
"You're right," he nods. "Of course you're fucking right. You always were about me, that's what scared me most. You know that.
"And I didn't find enjoyment in killing people, Rhea. I'm not a fucking psychopath, just an asshole. It made everything so much worse, anyway."
"Brax..."
"You know I dreamt about him? Every night. I thinkâif I'm being honest with myself, the reason I came home when I did was because I wanted to escape his disappointment. He isn't here but...I felt him. Every time I did something immoral, I fucking felt him."
I hadn't expected this much honesty but it's like he's been keeping it in for so long and now he can't stop.
A voice in the back of my mind reminds me of Charlie's threat: turn Brax in or Sof gets killed.
I blink.
"I know you'll never forgive me for what I've done. I don't expect you to. But we'll always be tied to each other, even if weâeven if you move on. I think that's Casey's doing, really. He wanted us..."
"I know."
He doesn't have to say it. I knew even if I moved on from this family, I'd always have a part of them with me. Even if it was messy and confusing.
"All I want it to keep you safe, Rhea."
I nod, wrapping my arms around myself as I look away. I did believe he meant that, even if he didn't always have the best ways of showing it.
"And I'm sorry. I'll always be sorry."
"Okay," I whisper.
"Just remember that we are on the same team here," he finishes. "Charlie locked up in a cell is the end result."
I gulp, wondering if he can see that I'm keeping something from him. If he does, he doesn't seem to show it.
"I miss him," he whispers. "And I hope he's not too disappointed in me."
"He loved you a lot, Brax. I don't think he could be disappointed. Maybe just a bit sad."
He nods. "I wish I could have told him how much I cared. I don't think I ever really did."
"He knew," I say.
I almost reach out for his hand but I'm not there yet. A lot of ground has been broken but I still felt that Brax had let me down.
The front door swings open and Sof enters, holding a bag of shopping. "Oh! Rhea."
She looks between between the both of us, puzzled. "What the hell did I miss?" she asks.
I wouldn't even know where to start if I tried.