"You want me to what?"
I'm sitting on the floor of my living room, completing a puzzle.
When I was about to be released from the facility, my psychologist told me to try new activities that didn't use a lot of brain power. To relax me.
I couldn't remember the last time I tried to do a puzzle. It was probably when mum was still alive. She used to love them when I was a kid.
Now my hand freezes mid-air as I think over what Beckett has just said through the phone.
"Have dinner with me and Sof tonight," he repeats on loudspeaker, sitting beside the puzzle on my coffee table.
"Ah," I laugh nervously. "Yeah, I'm not too sure about that."
"Come on," he pleads. "She really wants to see you."
I think about how glad I was in the end to see Xavier. I still can't decide whether that is a good thing or not. It could be risky letting them back in so soon. Or at all.
"Beckett," I sigh. "Things can't be how they were before with us."
"They don't have to be how they were before. Just start over fresh," he urges.
I pick up a few pieces of the puzzle, shuffling them around the table until I give up on trying. I'm too distracted right now.
"Where are you wanting to go?"
"I thought I could cook actually. Or get takeaway, more accurately."
I huff a laugh, shaking my head. "I really don't know about this," I bite my lip.
"Clearly a part of you wants to," he says. "Otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about it."
Of course he's right. It's just the endless cycle of doubt running through my mind about what the right thing to do is.
"Can I bring Layla and Maia?"
"Of course. Bring anyone you want," he says, relief clear in his tone.
"When exactly where you planning this for?"
"Tonight?"
"Tonight?" I cough.
I'd expected to at least have a week to work myself up to this, but clearly Beckett liked to work quickly.
"And don't even try and get out of it by saying that you have work. I know your roster."
I groan, staring at the phone of my screen. "I hate you for this but fine. Fine I will come. Justâ don't make a big fuss over this, alright? I don't want her getting her hopes up over anything."
"Okay. See you tonight then. Six o'clock suit you?"
"Guess soâ"
"Great! Bye!"
Before I can utter another word, he hangs up, leaving me in silence.
âââââââââââââââââââââ
Layla comes with Maia to pick me up later that night.
I haven't properly seen either of them since the disagreement I'd had with Maia at dinner after being released.
The car ride to Beckett's is slightly tense, but I pretend not to notice it. Tonight would be hard enough and having yet another fight with my best friend wouldn't help.
"So, should we place bets on what food we think he going to buy? I say pepperoni pizza. Three of them because he just thinks everyone loves pepperoni."
"Oh! Doesn't he love dumplings?" Layla says. "That's my bet."
"Probably something disgusting," Maia mumbles. "Where he doesn't give anyone else a say because he expects us to eat whatever."
I laugh. "Remember that one time he became obsessed with trying different types of brains? And he didn't tell Layla that he'd used sheep brains for some dish he'd created."
Layla begins to gag and somehow, I actually earn Maia's soft laughter. "The look of horror on your face, Lay," Maia says. "I've never seen you so mortified."
"Because it was disgusting!" She objects. "And he just happened to forget to tell me what it was? Liar."
Layla parks out the front of Beckett's place and my smile slowly dims. I wish I'd had more time to prepare myself for this.
"You alright back there?" Layla says, watching me through the mirror.
I smile softly, shrugging. "Do I have a choice?"
"Yes," Maia says sharply. "We could drive away. Avoid her at all costs so that you don't backtrackâ"
"Let's go," Layla says, yanking on the door handle.
We step out into the night. A chill runs through me as I hold my jumper tighter against me.
Layla is carrying the salad she made whilst I have the bottle of wine. I'm definitely gonna need a glass tonight.
We ring the doorbell and within a instant, Sof is greeting us at the door. My heart drops slightly, wishing it had been Beckett first.
"Hi," she says quietly, waving awkwardly. "Did you all drive here safely?"
"We live ten minutes away," Maia deadpans.
I feel Layla send her a glare as I step further into the foyer, offering Sof the wine bottle. "Yes," I say softly. "All safe."
"Great," she takes the bottle diligently, like she's afraid she may break it. "That's good to hear."
Maia coughs behind me and I fight the urge to stamp on her toes. This was awkward enough without her making it more awkward.
"Beckett ordered some pizzas. Or, just the one type but three times," Sof says, moving towards the kitchen.
"Pepperoni?" I muse.
She laughs, eyes twinkling. She stops suddenly, as if she's been caught doing something she shouldn't with me. Like she can't laugh without upsetting me.
My heart sinks at the idea. Despite everything, I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable by me.
A lot had changed but I hated the idea that we weren't on comfortable terms with each other. It was weird.
"Look who has finally arrived," Beckett pulls me into a hug first and I pat his back, trying to breathe despite him crushing me.
Once he lets go I take a seat at the table whilst he greets the others.
"Do you think we could talk actually?" Sof says suddenly.
Shit.
I hadn't expected this to happen so early on in the night. It's yet another surprise I hadn't prepared myself for.
"Um, yeah," I clear my throat, standing from the table again. "Sure. Of course."
I follow her towards Beckett's room, feeling the gazes of the others on my back. I don't turn around to look.
Sof shuts the door behind us and I perch on the edge of the bed, staring at the plain walls of his room. He really isn't one to decorate, except for the new addition I hadn't seen before. A picture of him and Sof laughing.
He really likes her.
"I'm sorry about the other night," she begins. "I never meant to upset you like that."
I turn to meet her eyes and find the hollowed sadness within them. "That wasn't your fault. I thought Xavier would have mentioned that by now. I was sick."
She nods. "He did. But I still can't help but feel like I should have reached out when Beckett and I got together. Like you deserved an explanation."
I shake my head. "I'd never expect that. Especially because I was the one that cut you guys off whilst I was away. For that, I am sorry. But it's what I needed to do."
She starts to pace the room. "I get that," she says quietly, like she doesn't quite believe her own words. "I just wish you hadn't."
"I know."
"I care about you," she says. "You changed Brax. You helped Casey. You were becoming a big part of our family and then you just vanished."
"I needed time."
"Do you still need time?"
I can't look at her dead in the eye and tell her that a part of me never wanted to see any of them again. It was hurtful and cruel. She had gone through enough this past year too. I needed to remember that.
"Maybe," I say instead. "I think I do."
She comes to sit beside me, pressing her shoulder into mine. "Can you at least promise me that we won't lose touch again? That you'll keep in contact with me?"
I feel my chest ache at how broken she sounds.
Was I being selfish in only thinking about what was best for me? Had I even stopped to think what Sof may need?
"Of course," I say, grabbing her hand. "I'll always be around when you need me. Always."
She squeezes my hand once and I feel sudden tears prick the back of my eyes.
I could swear I had a conversation with Casey once that was very similar. It takes my breath away for a moment but then Beckett is calling us for dinner and I'm blinking away the tears.
"I'm glad that we spoke," she says, pulling me to stand before wrapping her arms around my waist.
We stand there for a moment, just hugging. I wonder how I ever let this girl go alone in a world that nearly destroyed me too.
I'm not sure I'll be able to do it again and it terrifies me more than anything.