"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"I do. Because I thought of it. So it is."
I sigh into the phone, leaning my head against the kitchen counter as I listen to Beckett drone on and on.
He's trying to convince me to come to a party that Sof is hosting. The only problem with that is I haven't stepped foot inside her house in over a year.
I'm not sure I ever want to again.
"Sof really wants you there."
"Why didn't she ask me directly then?" I counter, drumming my fingers.
"She's still unsure about where you stand with each other. But she's hoping this will fix it."
"A party will fix it?" I say unsure. "Beckett, you've been to one of their parties with me. Do you really think I need to go?"
"Think about Sof. Don't you want to repair what you've lost?"
It was still such an undecided factor for me. It would never make sense to me how I could care about someone so much but know that maybe they shouldn't be apart of my life.
"I don't mean to pressure you," he says.
I snort, rolling my eyes. "Yeah. Okay."
"I just thought maybe it would be nice to get out of the house for a bit."
"I get out of the house, thank you."
"For what? Work and grocery shopping?"
He laughs at his own joke, like it's the funniest thing in the world. I keep quiet, waiting for him to shut up.
"Will you be quiet if I say yes?" I ask.
"Totally," he agrees.
"Fine. Pick me up at eight."
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I regret it as soon as I'm inside.
The music is too loud. People are everywhere.
The house is always going to be haunted to me now. There are too many memories here.
"You'll be fine," Beckett yells in my ear, clearly sensing my apprehension.
I almost go to answer him but I'm suddenly struck when I see the photo slanted on the wall behind him.
It wasn't there last time I was here.
Baby Casey. He's being held by Brax. Xavier's sitting in the background, leaning over the shoulder of Brax.
"I need the bathroom," I croak, shoving past Beckett before he has the chance to grab me.
The door clicks shut behind me. The music dulls.
I watch myself in the mirror, leaning both arms on either side of the basin.
What was I even thinking?
Five seconds. It's taken me five seconds to lose control from a photo.
When I meet my eyes in the mirror again, they appear bloodshot.
I'm not going to cry. Not here.
Someone shouts from outside the door as the handle begins to rattle impatiently.
"I'll be out in a second, Beckett," I call.
When it continues to rattle, I realise that it isn't Beckett being a pest.
"Let me in, detective," Xavier calls.
My heart drops to my stomach as I slowly approach the door, twisting the handle.
He's leaning against the door frame, dark hair dangling in front of his eyes as he leans down towards my height.
"Hiding out in bathrooms?"
Before I can respond, he's barging past my shoulder, shutting the door with the heel of his foot.
"Want a beer?" he asks.
I cross my arms over my chest, shaking my head. "No. I'm good."
"Suit yourself," he grunts, leaning back against the basin. "Missing out."
"I've had beer before. Pretty sure I'm not missing out on anything, actually."
"Okay, miss I-work-in-a-bar," he grins.
I raise an eyebrow. "Are you drunk? Or high? Or potentially both?" I ask.
He snorts, raking a hand through his hair. "Would that bother you?"
I shake my head, perching on the bath tub. It's as though one touch of the cold surface, reminds me of Casey helping me calm down one night.
Instinctively, I jerk away from the tub.
Xavier watches my movements closely. I know he's noticed my strange reaction.
"Why'd you come in here, anyway?" I ask, clearing my throat.
He looks away, watching the shower curtain intently. "I saw you. Looking at the picture. Sof put it up recently."
"Oh," I whisper, deflating.
"I don't have many pictures of him as a baby. Mum didn't take a lot," he says. "Don't even remember it being taken."
He fidgets with the beer in his hand. It's the first time I've truly seen him uncomfortable. It makes him so much more human.
"I don't think I really thanked you," I say. "About looking after me when I was sick."
He shrugs, taking a sip from his beer. "Don't get used to it."
I roll my eyes. "I'll try not to."
He laughs quietly and I'm slightly startled by the noise.
If this past year has taught me anything though, it's that I'll never know what to expect.
"You gonna stay in here all night?"
"It wasn't really my idea to come in the first place," I rebuke. "Peer pressure."
"Yet you came undone like always."
I frown. "What is that supposed to mean?"
He grins, shaking his head. "So easily wound up too. I miss how easy that was."
"Shut up," I scoff. "It isn't my fault that Brax is infuriatingâ was. Was infuriating."
It wipes the smile from his face instantly. He nods his head in understanding. "Yeah, well. You did always make it easy," he replies.
He quietens, staring at the beer in his hand.
"Do you think about them all the time?" I ask. "Because I do. It's consuming me. It feels like it'll never end."
The confession comes from nowhere. Like it's exactly what's been eating away from me all this time and it just had to be said.
"Of course," he says earnestly. "They're my brothers, Rhea."
It's an explanation in itself. He doesn't need to say anymore, not when I see the sincerity in his eyes. The pain in his voice.
He lost two of the closest people in his life. He'd lost his twin. He'd grown up with them. Fought for them. Protected them.
So why can he handle this so much better than I am?
How did he live this past year so differently than I did?
"Let's go," he says. "I'm not going to let you lock yourself away anymore. Brax would fucking kill me if I let you do that."
Before I really get a chance to stop him, he's grabbing my hand a pulling me along behind him back out into the party.
I expect him to drop my hand instantly, but he leads me out into the lounge room where he finds SofÃa.
Once he does turn away, leaving me with his sister, I realise that I wanted to talk to him more about this.
That he seems to be the only one in this room that can truly understand how I'm feeling.
I watch him turn away, parting peoples conversations as he walks towards the kitchen. I only turn away once he's out of view and I don't have to think about how similar his back profile is to the man I loved.