a/n: hi guys i'm in steamboat springs rn and it's so weird because i went into the EXACT store harry and lili went in and i saw a weed shirt and yeah. weird.
anyways sorry i'm so mia all the time. love you guys. enjoy babesâ¤ï¸
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Dinner filled me to my breaking point, and I honestly ate so much I felt like I was about to burst at any given moment. I ate so much not only because I was aggressively hungry, but also because Anne made so much for the just three of us, that I would've felt guilty if I didn't fill up until I couldn't physically eat anymore.
I felt like I had eaten so much on just this trip alone, and I wasn't sure whether it was the nerves or the incredible meals that made it almost impossible for me to stop stuffing my face with food. It's nice when you have someone else to prepare such yummy food for you, instead of doing it yourself. This kind of treatment was a luxury I haven't been able to enjoy much since adulthood.
Having had so much to eat, I felt a little gross, and it definitely wasn't because of the food itself. All I really needed was a shower.
"Hey, is it alright with you if I like...use your shower?" I ask Anne timidly as I'm helping her clean up after dinner. "I won't take too long or have the water too hot, I just feel like I really need to take one." I chuckle awkwardly, feeling oddly embarrassed for my request.
Anne stops her hands' movements as they rinse mashed potatoes off a plate, turning to look at me with a completely blank, emotionless face.
"No," she says, the tone of her voice just as blunt as her face.
I quickly felt like a bucket of embarrassment was dumped over my head. I had felt nervous to ask, and now I can see why.
But then suddenly, Anne's face cracks into a smile. And soon after, small, quiet laughter fell from her lips. She shakes her head, finding her joke far funnier than I did.
"Of course you can take a shower," she says, completely opposite from the impression she was just giving me.
My brain instantaneously remembered the time when Harry did this exact same thing. When we were in Florida a few weeks ago, around his birthday, he denied a kiss from me as a joke. He obviously came back and paid up, but he had left me feeling stupid for asking for those few seconds when I thought he wasn't joking.
Harry must've gotten that from Anne.
"Oh o-okay," I say, my mind still slightly caught off guard, nodding vigorously.
Anne chuckles once again, seemingly really getting a kick out of this. She hunches over the kitchen as she continues her laughter, meanwhile I stand behind her awkwardly, holding my hands together.
As her short laughing fit came to an end, she straightened her posture and turned back to me with the remnants of a smile lingering over her face.
"Sorry love, I had to," Anne apologizes. "You can use the bathroom across the hall from you and Harry's room. There are towels in the hall closet."
"Okay, thank you so much," I say with a forced smile, turning to walk away.
"Wait, Lili," Anne stops me in my tracks with her words as she quickly turns off the tap. "Do you have shampoo and soap and everything?"
"Uh, I'm fairly certain Harry brought some with us, yeah," I told her with a nod.
"Alright, well if you need anything, and I seriously mean anything, don't be afraid to ask. I'll just be in here tidying up," Anne assures me with a serious look, showing she truly meant what she said.
"Alright, thank you so much," I say to her gratefully before slipping away to finally go take a shower.
I step out of the kitchen, walk through the dining room, then make my way down the hallway to the room Harry and I have been staying in. I pushed open the halfway closed door, seeing as Harry was laying down in the middle of the floor, eyes closed, headphones resting on top of his head, a Walkman lying in the middle of his chest.
I slowly tiptoed around him and over to my bag, trying my very best to be discreet so I didn't disturb his little listening party he had going on. I kneel down and quietly slip out a pair of pajama pants, an oversized tee, and a clean pair of underwear.
"What are you doing?" I hear Harry's voice sound from behind me. I slowly turned around, seeing as he was no longer laying down, but sitting down, watching my every move.
"I'm gonna go take a shower," I tell him, standing up from where I knelt. I watch as he leaps up, much quicker than I had gotten up.
"Okay, let me grab my stuff," he says as he quickly strides over to his duffel bag which was lying next to mine.
As he's passing me, I place my hand out on his chest, stopping him from going any further.
"Harry, you can't." I shake my head. He looks at me with furrowed brows, confusion written across his face.
"I wanna shower with you," he pouts.
"Harry, we can't do that." I shake my head. "Not here. Not at your mom's house."
"Why not?" He continues to push.
I widen my eyes. "Harry, we're at your mom's house. She already knows I'm getting in the shower, so what happens when she needs to ask you a question or something and you're nowhere to be found?"
He stares at me blankly. It was very obvious he didn't see a big deal in this at all. After a moment, I see the corner of his mouth quirk up slightly.
He leans in to say in a quiet voice, "My mum wouldn't put us in the same bed across the house from her if she didn't expect anything like that."
I hated that his words sent a shiver up my spine. Nonetheless, I shake my head. "Harry, no. Final answer."
He stares at me again, the same way he did before. Then he eyes me up and down with a dull face.
"Fine," he says finally, giving up. "I'll pack our stuff while you're in the shower."
"Wait, I d-"
"Move along," he cuts me off by turning me around in one quick motion, pushing on the small of my back to get me to walk forward.
"Harry, I can pack my own-"
"Quit telling me no, darling," he cuts me off once again, continuing to push me until we're standing just outside the door frame.
I stop in my tracks and turn around to face him, hugging my clothes to my chest. He smiles and just as I open my mouth to protest further, he shuts the door, creating a barrier between us. Then I hear the click of the lock.
I sigh as I lift my hand up with a dramatic twist of my wrist and knock on the door. My hand returns to hug my clothes against my chest.
"Who is it?" Harry calls from behind the door.
I roll my eyes. "Room service."
The door unlocks, then swings open. Harry furrows his eyebrows together.
"You don't look like room service," he says with a confused look, dragging the joke on.
I roll my eyes again, shaking my head. "Do you have soap and stuff?"
"Room service is supposed to bring that kind of stuff." He raises an eyebrow.
"Harry," I groan. "I really just want to take a shower."
"Okay." He chuckles, leaning against the door. "All my shampoo and stuff is already in the shower. Use whatever you want."
"Thank you," I say, grateful for both him letting me use his things and the fact that the joke was over with. And just as I'm about to step away, I stop and turn back to him. "Why did you lock the door?"
"Well, you're gonna lock me out of the bathroom aren't you?" He points out, a smug look on his face.
I narrow my eyes at him before stepping away, not saying a word. I didn't know what to say so that he wouldn't say some snarky remark in response.
I go straight to the hall linen closet near the door to the bedroom, opening it up to see an organized arrangement of things. I reached for the neatly folded stack of white towels, grabbing one off the very top.
I then ventured down the hall a short ways and into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I wasted no time to set my things on the counter and walk over to the shower, turning it on to let the water warm up while I undressed.
I slip my top up and over my head, my pants soon to follow shortly. Before taking them off, however, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and set it on the counter so it wouldn't fall to the floor when I tugged my pants off. My undergarments soon found their way to the floor until I was fully naked and stepping under the warm water falling from the showerhead.
Harry wasn't lying when he said he had his shower necessities in here. He had shampoo and conditioner and body wash and a loofah and body conditioner? Obviously, I wasn't going to use his loofah, but you can bet I'll use everything else.
The moment I stepped out of the shower I quickly wrapped the towel around my body, then rushed straight to my phone, which was still sitting on the counter. I was so eager to check it, although I wasn't expecting anything from anyone. And I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had missed a call from Jess.
Normally, a missed call from Jess would cause me to worry, since I know she doesn't like talking on the phone unless it's too important to text. But considering it's been so long since we last saw each other, and we've gone this long without talking, I figured it was just a check-in kind of phone call.
Luckily I had only missed the phone call by 4 minutes, so there was a good chance she would pick up if I called her back. So I quickly made the decision that whatever she had texted she could just tell me over the phone, and called her back.
I brought my phone up to my ear and stood patiently waiting for her to pick up, despite the fact that I was still fully naked with nothing but a towel wrapped around me.
After a few rings, she picks up.
"Hello?" she answers.
A smile was immediately brought to my face at the sound of my best friend's voice. With all that has happened in the past 24 hours, it was so nice to speak to Jess, as incredibly clingy and stupid as it sounds.
"Jess." I let out a sigh of relief, the sound of her voice as familiar to my ears as my favorite song.
"Girl, you good?" Jess's voice sounds through my ear.
At this point, I wasn't sure whether our conversation would be the short catch-up kind or the hour-long kind where we tell each other all our problems. So I figured instead of just standing up in nothing but a towel, I would rather sit in nothing but a towel.
"Yeah I'm fine, it's just...nice to hear your voice," I admit to her honestly.
"Um okay?" She says slowly. "Anyways, you go to Harry's mom's and suddenly you can't text me back?"
"Sorry, just...a lot has happened in the last 24 hours," I tell her, looking down at my bare legs covered in goosebumps. I sigh, immediately wanting to change the subject. "So, how have you been?"
"Well if you had read my text you would know," she says. I couldn't tell if she was intentionally trying to be rude, or if she was just in a bad mood.
"Jess, please don't be like that," I say, tilting my head up to look at the ceiling. The last thing I needed right now was negative comments from her. "I haven't been ignoring you, I promise. It's just been a really crazy day."
"Yeah, Lils, but you're not the only one who has a crazy life." She was being cold, and it was really taking me by surprise. If she's ever said anything like this, she's always been joking. But I wasn't too sure she was joking right now.
"Jess, are you okay?" I ask.
"Yeah, I'm just really tired. I've been working overtime this week, and Jackson's being a dick, and I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with something because I have a small fever and I'm exhausted and I have this constant fucking headache that won't go away," she rants to me.
"Wow, I-I'm sorry." Was all I could think to say. I wasn't entirely sure what to say to that.
"It's fine, I just want a break," she sighs. "You're so lucky."
"Well, everything's not so perfect over here either," I say with an awkward laugh.
"What do you mean?"
I debated on whether I should tell her my bucket of shit or not. But I didn't want to burden her with all my drama that's going on, since it seems like she has her own to deal with. So I decided to keep it to myself. If she's so psychic anyway, she already knows.
"I'm tired too," I tell her instead. "I miss you."
"I miss you too." She sighs once again. "It's so fucking boring when you're not here."
"What about Jackson? How is he being a dick?" I question, choosing to get her to talk about herself so we could avoid the subject of what's been going on in my world.
"I don't know, he's just being rude about certain things. And like, certain things he shouldn't be getting mad over. He's also very overly defensive about everything," Jess explains.
"Oh, I'm sorry," I say sincerely. I now knew why Jess was in a bad mood when the phone call started, or at least part of the reason.
When she and Jackson are having problems, Jess tends to be far more on edge. Not that it excuses anything she does, but it makes me feel like it's less of my fault.
"It's whatever," she says, though we both knew that wasn't true. We're both silent for a moment, then she says, "So how's Harry? What's he been up to?"
"He's good...I think. He's just been working and trying to get everything in place for the Brits and stuff. I think he's pretty stressed," I tell her.
"I would be too if I were in his shoes. I mean, it must be a lot of stress trying to figure things out for himself, let alone two people." She laughs.
"Wait, do you think he's stressing out because of me?" I immediately panic.
The last thing I wanted was for Harry to have any more weight put on his shoulders because of me. And between everything that's happened that's put me under distress, I can only imagine how much worse I'm making everything for him.
"Well, not necessarily. I'm just saying, he's probably double stressed now. That's all," she says as if it was no big deal. But it was a big deal to me.
"Shit, you're right," I say under my breath.
This is exactly what I didn't want to happen when I came to London. I didn't want Harry to go through any trouble, but that's all I'm causing.
"Lils when are you coming home?" Jess whines into the phone.
"It might be sooner than you think," I mumble without even thinking.
"I miss you so much. I swear to God if the next time I see you is on TV I might just have a breakdown," she warns.
"I'll come home soon," I speak up confidently.
"When is the question," she says, her stubbornness out on display. "I have a wedding soon, you know."
"Yeah, Jess, I know," I say, rubbing my forehead with my fingers. "I'm going to be there for that. You know I would never miss that."
"God, I hope not. Because then I'd have to find a new maid of honor."
"I'll be there. I promise."
"Good." She sighs after a short pause. "I have to get back to work. You're lucky you called me when you did because my lunch is almost over."
"Oh, okay," I say, sad that our conversation was so short. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"
"Sounds good," she says. "Love you Lils."
"Love you too."
We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.
Immediately, I went to my messages to read whatever Jess had said that was so important. The message was still unread, which made me realize why Jess was so annoyed that I hadn't even read it yet. So I took the time to do that now, even though I've already been lectured.
Jess: So exhausted...I think I'm getting sick or something. And to make everything a million times worse, Jackson was out literally all last night and wouldn't text me back. Idk where the hell he was or wtf he was doing but I'm pissed. He came home at 2 am completely shitfaced. Idk what to do. Any advice?
I can see why she was annoyed that I didn't answer her back, but I didn't expect her to understand why I hadn't. I didn't tell her, and that's on me.
I felt better now that I had talked to Jess since, as we all know by now, she is my comfort person. I don't even care if she wasn't very happy with me, even just being able to talk to her was enough to satisfy me, as weird as it may sound.
I decided I felt bad enough about not responding to send her at least something, even if we did just get off the phone.
Lili: Sorry again I didn't respond...hope you start feeling better. Love youâ¤ï¸
I exited Jess and I's messages and, as an act that seemed completely out of my control, my eyes scanned over the screen. At the very bottom, I read a name that has been constantly on my mind for the last day.
Noah.
I shouldn't have, and I'm not entirely sure why I did, but I clicked on his name. I don't know why I wanted to read our - well, his messages - but I did. And it was almost like an out-of-body experience because the next thing I knew I was scrolling up.
As I'm reading our texts, I notice how desperate he was to talk to me. And I can't help but wonder if I was thinking it was the wrong kind of desperate.
Maybe he wasn't "in love" with me like he claimed he was. Maybe he was just confused. Maybe he was just so incredibly lonely that he didn't know the difference between being in love and desperation for feeling loved. Maybe if I had just responded the first time, none of this would've happened. Maybe I should've been nicer to him. Maybe I pushed him over the edge. Maybe this is my fault.
I wish I would've just asked if he was okay.
A tear falls from my cheek as I feel like I'm drowning in a river of guilt. I felt sick to my stomach, queasy to say the very least. And as my thoughts just kept coming and coming, so did my tears.
I couldn't hold back my sobs as an aching pain began to engulf my head as I pinched my eyes shut, clenching my phone tightly in my hand. My chest hurt, my head hurt, everything hurt. My body was shaking, and it wasn't because of the cold air blanketing my mostly naked body.
There was a knock on the bathroom door, and I knew who it was, but I felt frozen. Too frozen to move, too frozen to even open my eyes. All I could do was shakily sob, my brain pounding against my skull.
The door handle rattled, giving me the curious strength to open my eyes, shaky and unsteady breaths leaving my mouth. Soon, the door bursts open, revealing Harry, his eyes worried and jaw dropped.
He wastes no time to rush over to me, kneeling before me, resting his hands on my burning thighs.
"Baby, what happened?" He asks, concern
threading his voice as his eyes search my blurry ones.
"D-did I-I k-kill No-Noah?" I ask him, barely able to speak through the point of hyperventilation I had gotten to.
"What?" His eyes grow wide, his hand traveling up to grab my hips gently.
"I-I k-killed M-Mikey." I shake my head, trying to get my words out in one piece. "Did I-I kill N-Noah too? A-Am I-I a k-killer?"
Hurt flashes over Harry's eyes before he vigorously shakes his head.
"No, baby. Don't say that. You didn't kill Mikey or Noah. They were both accidents that you had nothing to do with," he speaks sternly all while never breaking eye contact, which almost made me believe him.
All I could do was shake my head, my face heating up as another tear fell from my bottom lash line.
"Come here," Harry whispers, placing his hands on my waist pulling me into his chest, hugging me. "None of this was your fault."
I shake my head again, this time as my face was squished against his shoulder. I felt tired, calmer, but tired. So tired I could fall asleep right here.
My eyelids were heavy and my chest was aching like I could feel the breaks in my heart opening up as he hugged me tight against him. He holds me close for a moment, the strength of his hug never wavering. I didn't hug him back. I didn't feel like I had the energy to.
After a long moment, he pulls away, his eyes meeting mine the second they had the chance to. As I stared into the green of his irises, I could feel my state of panic slowly slipping away. My skin didn't burn anymore, and I didn't feel like throwing up. My breathing was still irregular and I still felt all the aches, but the anxiety was what seemed to disappear when he held me.
His eyes leave mine for a moment as he finally notices my attire or lack thereof.
"Here," he mutters quietly, reaching over to shut the bathroom door before pulling my clean clothes off the counter, setting them in his lap.
Harry grabs my underwear from the top of the stack, puts each of my legs through the leg holes, then slides the underwear up my thighs until he can't pull them up any further.
"I'm gonna need you to stand up." He looks up at me from his crouched position. "Can you do that for me?"
I nod and stand to my feet, and because of the shakiness still in my legs, I hold onto Harry's shoulder for support. As I stand, the towel drops from my body and puddles around my feet.
Harry keeps his head down as he continues to pull my underwear all the way up until it hugged my hips securely.
"You can sit back down if you want," he tells me, reaching over to pick up my large t-shirt from the stack as well. I wanted to sit down, so I did.
I watched his hands as he scrunched the shirt up around the head hole, looking up at me as soon as he was finished doing so. He kept his eyes on mine as he put my head through the hole of the shirt, my arms soon to follow after. He tugged on the bottom hem of the tee, pulling it down the rest of my slightly damp waist.
Once my body was covered with the shirt, he stood up and immediately tucked one of his arms under my legs, the other resting on my back. Before I knew it, I was being picked up bridal-style and he was carrying me out of the bathroom.
"W-what about m-my pants?" I ask, somewhat able to catch my breath now.
"You have enough clothes on," he tells me in a soft voice, keeping his eyes locked in front of him as he carries me across the hall and into the bedroom. "But what you need right now is sleep."
He carries me over to the bed and sets me down. The cool sheets chill my bare thighs the moment he places me on them, but he quickly covers me up with the heavy comforter, bringing me the warmth I needed.
My eyelids were as heavy as ever, and I could barely keep them open long enough to watch him make his way over to his side of the bed. I felt the bed dip as he crawled in next to me, turning off the nightstand lamp. My head was still hurting, and the dark was a nice gesture that I didn't expect.
I wasn't sure what time it was, but I knew I was tired. And as Harry pressed his body against the backside of mine, his faint cologne embracing my senses, I felt the comfort that I've longed for. The comfort I thought only Jess could give me.
His arms wrapped around me, pulling me even closer to him. I could only guess Harry wasn't tired. But I was emotionally exhausted. And sometimes, that leads to physical exhaustion.
I took a deep breath in and slowly drifted off to sleep, trying not to remind myself...
It was my fault.
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