Chapter 7: Talentless - Chapter 7

“How gaudy,” Ivy grumbled.

She could have been talking about many things: the riddle, the arrogance of the gods, or the two large golden doors the false wall revealed. The latter was about ten feet away, glittering with an array of red and green gems and gilded largesse. The doors were more tasteless than intimidating, but the mana radiating from whatever lurked inside was legitimately frightening, strong enough to make all five of them stop and stare.

“Smells like something big and bad,” Boh sighed.

Rayden thought Quill was going to turn that statement into a jab, but she merely bit her lip and shook her head.

“Yes, I suspect whatever’s inside can most definitely kill us,” Jim said casually. “Fun.”

Rayden tried to take solace in the fact that the genteel man was still smiling.

“Is everybody still down for this?” He asked, more for his reassurance than anything.

“We don’t have a choice,” Ivy said curtly.

Jim nodded enthusiastically.

“Indeed, we lack agency, as the gods have made explicitly clear today. Excellent pronouncement Ivy, you really are our driving force.”

While the green-haired woman disregarded Jim completely, Boh pressed his warhammer into his palm with a loud clap. The dwarf took a long drink from his flagon, wiped his mouth, then puffed out his chest in valor.

“As long as whatever’s in there ain’t immune to clobbering, we’ll be alright.”

Quill tapped the bottom of her staff against the floor in agreement.

“I believe we can triumph; we just have to be careful. I won’t let any monster stand in the way of the dinner you owe me, Rayden.”

She winked at him playfully, deliberately getting the others' attention. He did his best to look stoic as Boh, Jim, and even Ivy all looked at him in surprise.

“You pulled the trigger, ay? Good man!” The dwarf practically shouted in excitement, expressing his enthusiasm by slapping Rayden’s back so hard he almost fell over. “It’s the curves for you, too, huh?”

Rayden watched in terror as the dwarf crudely pantomimed his interpretation of a woman's silhouette. Quill was already glaring, and Rayden didn’t want to be considered an accomplice.

“Hey Boh…” he interjected. “I appreciate the enthusiasm, but, uh, maybe tone it down a bit. That's kinda sexist.”

The troublesome dwarf looked aghast.

“What? I’d do the same if you were promised to a big dick swinging lad!” He protested, proceeding to pantomime as much.

“You know, I had a friend named Bill once, who was fucking another dwarf named Bill, called them the two Billy Goats. One time I caught them having a bit of fun in a stable, anyway…”

Mercifully, Ivy grabbed the man by the scruff and pulled his considerable bulk up and away from them.

“Rayden,” Quill scowled, poking him in the stomach. “If you ever talk to me like that fat mongrel, I’ll have you publicly executed.”

“Duly noted.”

He was about to tease her for staking her claim in public, but was distracted by Jim abruptly breaking into song.

“The spriggan and the goblin, no, they never saw him coming.

Then he exited the dungeon with a Talent AND a woman!”

"And if you ever talk to me like Jim, I'll off myself in front of you," Quill added. "And you'll be jumping right onto my funeral pyre a moment after."

"More than fair," Rayden said, gesturing with his palms out.

Shaking their head in disbelief, they made their way to the gilded doors and began a thorough inspection. The five of them carefully studied the towering entrance, but there was no obvious puzzle, and no visible mechanisms beyond a pair of long golden handles begging to be opened. Rayden kept up a brave face, but he was getting nervous, knowing that his future depended on vanquishing whatever was inside. With a Talent, he could advance from a life that was well-spent, but mundane, to free roaming the first layer of the Feral Lands and slowly becoming the gathering storm he had dreamed of.

Power, vengeance, and freedom...the beginning was just beyond.

It was striking to think that just a few days ago, he’d woken up like usual, made his way to the adventuring guild, and accepted a quest he was afraid wouldn’t have enough participants to complete. Now, he was about to clear an unsanctioned dungeon with four mysterious warriors and go on a date with a maybe-princess. Rayden was cynical at best when it came to worship, but if he survived the next hour, he might even forgive the fucked up goblin metaphor and make an offering. His preferred god was Wrath, because Envy and Prosperity were akin to the nobles he hated, and Charity seemed like a self-righteous wretch. However, he wouldn't say a single word of that to any of their big, almighty, godly faces.

“It’s time,” Ivy announced.

Everyone nodded, searching each other's faces for courage they could make their own. Ivy looked intense and focused. Quill’s eyes gleamed with resolve. Boh’s face hardened, his gruff face suddenly covered in dark shadows. Jim was…well, Jim.

The man looked the same as always, and that was a comfort.

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Ivy and Boh stepped forward and opened a door each, revealing a vast room of endless gray stone, dimly lit by rows of hanging braziers. A mammoth golden rug covered much of the floor, providing a ruby runway to a raised platform where two glittering thrones faced them in golden majesty. An ugly but nicely dressed goblin sat in each, comically dwarfed by their big golden seats. One wore a royal purple shirt and a crown inlaid with rubies and sapphires, while the other was swimming in a pale blue gown that stretched past her legs and dangled down the top of her throne. She was holding a piece of parchment in her grubby hands, eyeing it nervously.

The rest of the enclave was empty, as if someone had bought a throne room, removed all signs of the previous rulers, and forgotten to repurpose it. Nobody had told the humans who once lived here that such negligence led to vengeful goblin infestations. As Rayden and company prepared to fight, the goblin in purple suddenly squealed out a shrill greeting, causing everyone to freeze.

“Welcome, brave ones!”

Rayden blinked, looking to his companions, who were just as surprised. Goblins didn’t speak common, or at least, he’d never heard of them doing so, but he supposed it fit the dungeon’s strange theme. They could start performing a fucking jig for all he cared, as long as it helped him complete the dungeon and earn his Talent.

“This is strange as I think it is, right?”

“It’s like if Boh understood big words, or if Jim started acting normal,” Quill responded.

He wagged his head, just as the goblin cleared his throat, skittishly glancing at their blank faces. Met with silence, the little guy tried again.

“W-Welcome, brave ones!”

When no one took the initiative, Jim gestured toward the royal usurpers and spoke in a hushed whisper, “I’ll handle this. You’ll find I’m a skilled courtesan.”

The rest of them eyed him skeptically, but after the riddle room, he had proved himself their preeminent goblin scholar.

“I don’t think he knows what courtesan means,” Quill whispered.

Rayden cracked a smile but held his tongue. Free of his companion’s shackles, Jim skipped forward and offered the goblins a deep bow.

“Greetings, great goblins, my name is Jim. And whom do I have the pleasure of addressing on this auspicious day?”

The royal goblins glanced at each other, probably having never met a person quite like Jim. Rayden couldn't blame them for that. However, he was wary of the fact that the two green nobles looked more like nervous hostages than potential boss fights.

He had a feeling another surprise was in order.

“I’m Bok Bok,” the kingly goblin chirped, before pointing at his feminine-presenting partner. “This Sheena Tok. Me congratulate you on completing terrible gob-gob trials!”

“Ah, thank you, Bok Bok, a pleasure to meet you both,” Jim said with an enthusiastic smile. “Yes, it was quite the ordeal. May I ask if more spriggans await us, or did you only have the one?”

The little goblin’s eyes widened.

“You kill sprig-sprig pet-pet?”

“Indeed,” Jim confessed. “I’m sorry to report that a slew of your minions were vanquished as well. Rest assured, we gave them all a hero's burial.”

A visible bead of sweat dripped down Bok Bok’s mottled green head.

“Anyway, my humble group of adventurers and I do not wish to harm you,” Jim promised.

He paused, pacing a few steps before pointing back at the goblins with a dramatic waggle of his finger.

“It’s just, we’re unsure how to complete this dungeon without slaying you, and we’re hoping you could propose an alternative?”

The goblins paled, their pickle-green faces turning almost sage. Rayden kept a tight grip on his daggers, ready for whatever came next. Jim hadn’t exactly been subtle, but he didn’t see an obvious solution either.

“Uh…hmmm…” Bok Bok sputtered. “Me no know what Dun-gh-un mean, but me sorry for stab-stab human with pointy! Gob-gob just want big brain again!”

“I see,” Jim mused. “So you took the fort away from the humans and slaughtered them to advance your species?”

The goblin nodded fiercely.

“Yes! Sky man promise! Bok Bok sit-sit on throne one sun ago, now his brain already big-big!”

As if to demonstrate, Bok Bok started counting them with his chubby fingers.

"Bok-Bok count five! Yesterday Bok-Bok stop at three!"

Rayden almost felt bad for the little cretin. He knew what he would do if his only choices were to kill goblins and regain his intelligence or remain a monster chained to instinct. It wasn’t exactly a fair proposal, but he doubted that any of this was fully real…and he wasn't in the mood for mercy. The longer he was in this dungeon, the more unsettling he found it.

Jim sighed, then turned to the gown-wearing gob-gob.

“And did you have any idea of how we could avoid bloodshed, m’lady?”

The goblin looked toward her partner, who simply replied, “Sheena Tok.”

“Yes, I recall her name,” Jim said flatly.

The goblin shook its head.

“No, no, man-man not get it.”

Bok Bok enunciated slowly, mouthing the syllables in short squeaks, “It’s She-No-Tok.”

As if to emphasize the point, She-No-Tok pulled out a piece of charcoal from her bosom and drew a helpful doodle on the parchment she’d been holding, depicting a goblin with a crossed-out speech bubble. Boh guffawed. Quill giggled. Even Ivy cracked a smile; if not at the name itself, then at Jim’s flummoxed expression.

Unfortunately, that’s when all hell broke loose.

A deafening peal of thunder rumbled outside, reverberating through the castle's foundation and shaking the ground. A sharp howl crescendoed into a furious roar, then the castle’s ceiling exploded upwards as if some otherworldly being had taken a great and terrible breath. Massive chunks of swirling stone were thrown against each other, slowly breaking into smaller bits of rubble. Eventually, the gray canopy pummeled itself into powder, revealing a churning funnel descending from a dark, angry, and roiling sky. Thick rain pelted down in sheets. Cobalt wreaths of lightning launched from towering clouds. Booming thunder followed, resounding like trumpets of war.

It was as if they'd drawn the heavens' ire.

Rayden stared into the chaos, absolutely terrified. The blue fog of the Enclosure was nowhere to be seen, which either meant this was a planned part of the dungeon or someone incredibly powerful was directly intervening. The storm raged on above, and yet, he and the others remained untouched by the deluge. Raindrops splattered against the empty air where the castle’s ceiling had been and vanished. It was like the top of the castle had been stripped away, only to reveal an invisible window that separated them from the maelstrom.

His first instinct was to glance at the goblins—as if they could have somehow brought forth this cataclysm—but the green pair were trembling in fear like everyone else. Quill and Ivy started pointing at the sky. He saw their mouths move, but he couldn’t hear their words. It was then that he noticed a blue silhouette plummeting down from above, the same color as lightning, but humanoid. The spectre effortlessly passed through the invisible pane and came to a stop just before it crashed into the ground.

Rayden and his companions tightly gripped their weapons as a tall translucent man with a spectral blue outline began to casually stretch in front of them. The storm continued to rage above, but its howls became muted and its thunder dulled.

“Hello, everyone!” The blue man smiled. “Sorry to interrupt this whole goblin bullshit, but I was growing bored. The Mother is patient, but I am not!”