I could feel eyes on me as I walked through the hallways, it had been that way since I came through the door this morning. They all wanted to stare at the girl who found the dead man. I could see the curiosity, the urge to ask me about it hanging on the tips of their eager tongues. I could hear their muted whispers while we were in class. Lucinda had told me to stay home for one more day but I had argued with her, telling her the longer I waited the worse it would be. Now that I was enduring it, I wished I had stayed home.
I kept my eyes fixed on the world directly in front of me, doing my best not to pay them any mind. Thankfully nobody had bothered me. I felt a familiar stirring in my gut and I turned my face meeting the familiar blue eyed gaze. Alec as he separated from his posse, with the intention of approaching me. They watched him with varying expressions of suspicion, and curiosity.
"Hey, Mary-Beth. It's good to see you back in school today."
"Stay away from me. I don't want to talk to you right now..." I hissed at him under my breath as I kept walking.
"What? Why?" He looked guarded, those blue eyes sparking with a vulnerability. I could feel the need to smooth over the harshness of my words clawing at the back of my throat. The guilt for causing him pain twisted my stomach into knots. I knew that it was irrational, completely irrational, but it didn't stop the emotional reaction.
I held my mask in place, "You left me behind in the woods, Alec..." I pointed out in a dry tone. I wasn't blaming him for the fact that I had been through that horrific evening. It wasn't anymore his fault than it was mine, but still he had brought me out into the woods. He should have been more careful, understanding that I didn't know them as well as him. Something could have happened to me, something had happened to me.
His face dropped, hand lifting to the back of his neck, "I know...I've been kicking myself for that. It was stupid mistake. I thought you were right behind me, Mary-Beth. I swear I did." It was hard to look at him and not feel torn. I was angry that he had left me but it was hard to look at him and maintain those feelings, which only upset me more. I sped up my steps, feeling the need to get away.
Alec wrapped his fingers around my wrist, the electric feel of his skin on mine, racing up my arm, "Will you please let me apologize?" He sounded strung out and exasperated, "I've tried calling you, texting you...even came by your house the other day but your sister said you were still not feeling well and sent me away." I knew all of that. I had been avoiding him purposefully.
I pulled myself free from his grip, feeling claustrophobic, "I don't really want to hear your apology right now, Alec. Could you possibly comprehend how I felt out there? I was all alone in the dark. I had no idea where I was or how to get back to the highway. If it couldn't get any worse I found that body..." I could feel the anxiety rising, hands beginning to shake. I clenched them into tight fists, "I thought I was going to die out there." Images of the man I had found flashed through my mind and I quickly repressed them.
I noticed the way his brows furrowed, lips dipping into a deep frown, "I made a mistake out there. I know that, Mary-Beth. If something had happened to you...I would never have forgiven myself." I could feel the sincerity of his words seeping into me. I knew that Alec would never have intentionally put me in harm's way but he had been reckless. I couldn't handle reckless, not when I was riding the edge of my own sanity.
"Something did happen to me." I replied.
Alec tensed, "I know...I am so sorry, Mary-Beth. I want to make it up to you...not that I can but I want to try. I need to try."
"Then go away and leave me alone. I don't want to see you right now, Alec."
His eyes widened at my words, expression falling into something akin to hopelessness. I stood there watching as his reaction, trying to keep my own emotions from mirroring his. My heart clenched in my chest, "I'm sorry, Mary-Beth. I really am."
I bit the inside of my cheek, the urge to cry building, "I know you are but apologies don't fix what happened."
His shoulders slumped inward as he gave a nod of his head. I got one last look from him before he turned without another word and walked away. His friends called out to him, Avery reaching out, but he passed them as if he hadn't heard a thing. I watched him as he went, my heart becoming heavier with each step that put distance between us.
I found myself straightening up when Avery's gaze swung in my direction, eyes narrowing. I didn't have the energy to deal with her at the moment. I ducked my head and started walking again only to find myself blocked when she stepped into my path.
"You know I thought I was bitch but you take the cake..."
I lifted my face, "Excuse me?"
Her eyes narrowed into dangerous slits, "Stay away from my brother. If I catch you hanging around him again..." She leaned in toward me, eyes flashing amber for a moment. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and I felt the familiar urge to run, but my leg seemed to have locked up on me. Her lips turned up into a cruel smile, "Well, let's just say you and I are going to have problem. Trust me when I say you do not want to have a problem with me."
I didn't say anything in response to her threat, only stood like a statue as she stared me down. She held my gaze for what felt like an eternity before turning from me with a low growl. I watched as she rushed off in the direction that Alec had gone. My gaze swept toward their posse, finding them watching me like a hungry pack of wild dogs. A shiver of fear raced through me as I took a small step backward, then another and another. I kept my eyes fixed on them, which caused me to bump into another student exiting a nearby classroom.
"Watch it!" They hissed at me.
I stumbled away from them, apologizing before glancing back toward Avery's little pack. They seemed amused, and smug over my reaction to them. I turned away from them with my cheeks burning. My heart began to pick up pace in my chest, hammering away. I felt like everyone was watching me now, their eyes tracking every breath that I took. As the paranoia increased, so did my pace. I needed to get out of sight. I needed to get to a safe place.
I rushed back down the hallway, the anxiety and panic becoming more overwhelming with each step. I felt like I was about to come apart at the seams. My muscles twitched and spasmed as if they were unable to process the overload of emotions and adrenaline rushing through my system.
"Miss Cartwright? Are you alright?" Miss Mercer the guidance counselor stopped me in the hallway, hands holding onto my biceps as she searched my face, "You seem distressed..."
I could feel more eyes on me. They were all looking at me, watching me. I needed to get away. I needed to find a safe place before I had a complete breakdown. My stomach rolled and I found myself pushing Miss Mercer away with more force than was necessary. I watched her eyebrows drift up toward her hairline as she stumbled on her heels. I gritted my teeth at the surge of murmured whispers in the background, they rang in my ears like cymbals.
"I'm sorry. I didn't..."Speaking seemed difficult, "I need to go....I'm fine." I got out as I rushed away, pushing through the crowd as I made my way to the bathroom. I knew I would be safe in there.
I pushed my way into the bathroom, dropping my backpack and moving to the sink. I turned on the faucet, cupping my hands under the cool water I quickly splashed it up into my face. I felt like I was on fire and my mind was racing. I needed my pills, but I didn't have anymore. They were all gone. I couldn't think about that now.
I needed to focus on what I could do, what would help me. I tried to steady myself with breathing techniques I had learned when I was much younger. In through my nose and out through my mouth. In through my nose and out through my mouth. I recited to myself over and over again as I tried to reign in the attack.
I clutched the sink, sweat building on my brow as I tried to keep myself from vomiting. I lifted my face, catching my reflection in the mirror. I looked half-crazed, clothes disheveled and skin pale. There were dark circles around my eyes, and my eyes...they were not correct. I stared at myself in horror as they flickered between the normal color and a bright amber color.
I was losing my mind. At that though I found myself dry heaving into the sink. I heard the low creak of the door opening, followed by the shuffling of feet. A part of me wanted to lash out, to scream at the intruder to get out and get the hell away from me.
"Beth?" I recognized the voice as Roxie, "Is everything alright?" not necessarily the person I wanted to be around but at the moment she was the closest thing I had to a friend. Though a part of my mind blamed her for the current state that I was in, being that she was the one that accidently had dropped my pills down the drain. Still, I needed help at the moment. Beggars couldn't be choosers.
I turned my face toward her, feeling a wave of dizziness come over me, "I think something is wrong with me..." I noted the shock expression that skittered across her face before my legs gave out under me and I feel to the floor. I hit the ground with a solid thud. My body felt like it was seizing up, something was seriously wrong with me. I needed to get to a hospital.
Roxie rushed to my side, brushing her cool fingers against my heated skin as she pulled the hair from my face, "Shit...you're burning up. This isn't good. We need to get you out of here. There's too many mundanes around for you to shift..." I didn't understand what she was talking about. All I knew was I felt like I was about to crawl out of my own skin, my mind was full of a heavy haze.
She stared down at me as I let out a small whimper, "I'm going to call my Uncle...he'll know what to do." Call an ambulance is what I wanted to say but I seemed in capable of speech. I'd never had a panic attack to this level before and I was terrified that maybe I would actually die this time.