As the days progressed, Nate found himself spending more and more time with Emily Carter.
Kit and Cassandra were nearly always together, with Juliette, and Allie spent all the time she could with the sister she dearly missed. Emily did spend some time with Cassie, but she sought Nate out quite often, nearly as often as he sought her out. This was a fact that made him both proud and exhilarated.
Allie had become much, much better but she'd lost quite a bit of interest in the social events that were happening. She still adored dressing up in pretty dresses and dancing, but she wasn't very interested in the men she was dancing with or with the people she was socialising with. She'd become disillusioned by it all, and Nate wasn't sure whether he should be worried or pleased.
As Emily had said last time he'd mentioned this, only time would tell.
The last week or two had been the best of his life. If he and Emily weren't working together in the study, heads bent over the same ledger and laughing at a silly joke one of them had made more often than not, they were riding or reading in the library or drinking hot chocolate at midnight. On those nights that Nate could actually stay up, he would go to the kitchen and make two cups of cocoa. Usually, Emily would join him.
Their conversations weren't incredibly productive, nor did they wax poetic about their love. It was the perfect balance and it was normal. He found that she was the one person he was entirely comfortable with, and he felt that he could tell her anything at all in the world, even his silliest thoughts, and she would not laugh at him or judge him for them.
It was a nice feeling, and something he couldn't ever remember feeling in all his years. With her, he felt as if he could confess to her his darkest secrets and she would simply smile, take his hand and tell him that it would eventually be alright and that, if it wasn't, they would have to make it alright. That was something she had actually said to him, and it had resonated with him more than anything else that he'd ever heard from anyone before.
They'd even become so comfortable around each other that they were entirely alright with casually touching one another. Sometimes, he'd take her hand or brush her hair out of her face or kiss her cheek and the world would seem perfect. She'd fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder on more than one occasion.
Never before had he been so at ease with a woman. He'd always been awkward and uncomfortable and untrusting because they had all always been after only his pocketbook and not his heart. But Emily would never do anything like that, and he'd realised a while ago that he trusted her with his most prized possessionâ his heart. He knew it might fall and crack, but he trusted that she would never allow it to shatter. He trusted her.
Beyond all else, he hoped that she loved him just as much as he loved her.
It was foolish, he knew, to even think that was a possibility. Emily was strong and stubborn and level-headed and wouldn't throw away everything she'd strived so hard to achieve just for him and that was exactly what he loved about her. She wouldn't be herself if she wasn't any of those things. He would never begrudge her that which gave her happiness, and he knew that her independence gave her happiness.
Nate had duties in England, duties that were incredibly important to him and that he would never abandon. If he was a simpler sort, he would throw it all to the wind and leave England with her forever so that they could travel the world. But he couldn't. Besides, that wouldn't really make him happy. She would make him happy, of course she would, but he would always miss his home and, over time, he might even grow to resent her for taking him away from it.
Even if he had to live without her, he'd gladly do it, as long as it meant he would never have to regret her.
Even so, there was a large part of him that was tempted to tell her how he felt, just so he could get it off his chest. She could reject him terribly and he wouldn't mind, as long as it was out in the open where no one would be able to deny it or take it back. He valued honesty and he expected nothing less of himself.
So, he steeled himself. He would tell her. He would tell her that he loved her but he wouldn't give her an ultimatum. She would choose what she wanted to choose and, if it was in his power to give it to her, he would.
The door to his study was thrown open just then, and Emily barged in wearing her usual smile that altered itself a little upon seeing him. It was the things like this that made him think that, maybe, she loved him like he loved her or, at least, thought of him in a romantic rather than simply platonic way.
"Come on," she urged, gesturing for him to rise to his feet, "It's a new day and a fine morning, so let's make use of the splendid weather and go for a walk. Ella told me yesterday that the rosebushes are finally in full bloom. I'd love to see them." She spoke without taking a breath in between, while Nate rose and walked over to her side of the desk to oblige her.
Although Emily had said she would never admit it to anyone else, she adored roses. She'd told him the other day that they had always seemed like the sort of flower only prisses liked, but that she still thought they were beautiful.
"Em, wait." He managed to say, cursing himself the moment he spoke the words. He wasn't ready to do it.
"What is it?" She asked, a little impatiently, but her gaze softened greatly at the sight of him standing there, probably appearing a conflicted, stupid mess.
"It's just that, well, you're wonderful andâ" He sighed, as her eyes widened at the words. "You're stunning and perfect and I'm not getting my words out right butâGod!" He exclaimed as she grew increasingly more confused as to what exactly he was attempting to do.
Finally, after a minute or so of floundering, he decided that actions spoke louder than words, so he would have to take action.
Before he could even register what he was doing, he had raised his hand to cup the side of her face, meeting her eyes intently as he tried to gauge her reaction. When she just stared at him dumbly, he pulled her against him by her waist, making her gasp softly. "Whatâ" She began, but was quickly interrupted by Nate doing something he'd been wanting to do for years.
He lowered his lips onto hers, cutting off any further words on her part. His kissed her insistently, and she hesitated for a second before kissing back, both her arms wrapping themselves around his neck tightly so that she was pulled flush against him, as her body arched into him.
They kissed for what felt like the most perfect eternity, with their lips moving together in harmony. There was passion in their kiss, and a fire that wasn't quenched even slightly with every passing second, but there was something else too. It was something deeper that Nate recognised as being the love he'd been feeling for her for ages.
Finally, in need of air, they pulled away from each other. Panting, Nate couldn't help himself as he ran his fingers across her cheek. She leaned into his touch as her eyes fluttered shut but she quickly threw them open and pulled back, out of his grasp, as her own hands left the spot on either shoulder that they had settled on.
"What was that?" Emily demanded, crossing her arms over her chest. She did not seem angry to him, however, only confused. That familiar sense of hope bubbled away happily in his chest as he opened his mouth to answer before closing it again, his mind racing in an attempt at framing a coherent response.
"I'm in love with you." He professed simply, choosing to go the direct way. He didn't want to unnecessarily beat around the bush to delay what was going to be the same anyway. She would either accept or reject any offers he made and there were no two ways about it. Pushing it for longer was not going to make any difference to the end result. If he simply came clean, it would make his own wait shorter, anyway, and would put paid to this torture sooner.
"What?" Emily spluttered disbelievingly, and Nate's heart sank at her response. He'd hoped for the best. He'd hoped for a fervent, passionate response followed by perhaps another kiss and then a proposal, either of marriage or of courtship. He'd hoped for a future with her, and that hope appeared to be getting bleaker by the second.
"I love you. I am madly in love with you. The sort of love where I want to spend the rest of my days, no matter how many they might be, right by your side. I want to marry you and have a family with you. I want to kiss you whenever I please and dance with only you at all the balls we go to. I want to grow old with you. I want to laugh and talk with you for all the years to come. I want to work on ledgers with you in my library and drink hot cocoa in the kitchen with you every night for the rest of both our lives. I want to go on rides and picnics with you whenever we please. I want to race you through the halls. And, when I die, I want to be buried beside you."
Emily's mouth fell open in shock and she raised a shaky hand to cover it. Nate's heart hammered in irregularly in his chest as he waited for her to say something, anything while still trying to process the fact that he had actually said all of that without stuttering or stammering or making even more of a fool of himself than he already had.
He watched with bated breath as her eyes glassed over, either with tears or emotion and she brought her hand back to her side. Finally, she got over her surprise and admitted to him, "I love you, too, Nate. I love you too and I do want all those things with you, but......"
"But?" He murmured, so softly that he wasn't sure if she'd even heard him. Evidently she had, for she looked up to meet his gaze and, in her eyes, he saw both joy and sadness living together and he knew he needed to dread what was to come next for he would not like it one bit.
"But there is something else that I want even more." She admitted, breathing deeply before continuing on, a heavy regret to her tone. "I have to leave at the end of this summer. I cannot give up my hard won freedom and, God, I'm scared that this will take away that freedom. Not you, of course. You would never do such a thing. But I want to travel and I want to see the world. I so desperately want to ask you to come with me, but I know you can't. I won't be selfish and ask you to leave everything you've ever wanted behind. We cannot be together and, for that, I am sorry. You won't ever know just how sorry I am. But, don't ever doubt the fact that I love you. I love you in a way that I have never loved anyone before and in a way that I shall never love anyone again. You have made me happier than any person ever has, which makes me even sorrier to have to leave you."
Nate listened carefully to every word she spoke and, as she said them, the truth of them sunk in. He couldn't ask her to give up what she wanted and he couldn't give up the things he loved.
"You do understand, don't you?" She asked desperately, and he nodded but his mind was in an entirely different world.
"Can Iâcan I kiss you one last time?" He questioned, his lost gaze meeting her sad one. She sobbed lightly as she nodded and, in a flash, he'd stepped forward and claimed her lips again. This kiss was bittersweet and raw and passionate and sorrowful for they knew it was the last time they would ever kiss one another. He wished it would last forever but, all too soon, he felt the need for air and had to pull away.
Their foreheads rested against one another for a minute, and Nate squeezed his eyes shut as he felt Emily's body quake slightly against him with the force of her tears. The hand that lay against her cheek felt a teardrop hit it, but he found that he could not do anything.
She sobbed once more, but Nate still did not open his eyes. He felt her lean forward once more and press a whisper of a kiss to his lips, light as the petal of a flower.
Once he'd realised what had happened, his eyes flew open, but all they could catch was the sight of her running from the room, one hand holding her skirts as the other wiped at her eyes.