Even at dinner the next night, Emily could not stop thinking about Kit's words. In fact, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about them at all all day. She still did not know exactly what she wanted, and she was now willing to admit that, at the very least, she was conflicted.
She knew she had to make a choice sooner rather than later, especially as her ship was scheduled to leave in two days' time. She could not afford to waste any more time and she had to make a decision regarding what exactly she wanted. It was not fair to herself or to Nate or to anyone else that she had delayed this for so long.
With a sigh, she took a long sip of her wine, only to meet Nate's eyes across the table as she set her glass down. She knew she should have looked away, but his eyes only drew her in further. She didn't know what it was about them, but they always succeeded in leaving her breathless.
There was one thing she knew to be true, however, and that was that no one had ever before, throughout her entire life, looked at her the way Nate did now.
"If we can have your attention," A voice spoke up, making Emily jump slightly as she looked up at Cassandra who had risen, a beaming Kit right at her side. "There's something we'd like to tell you all."
The anticipation in their eyes was clear to all the others at the table. This was good news, too, and Emily's heart skipped a joyous beat as she caught Cassie's eyes. If it was what she thought it was, then she would have many congratulations to give the happy couple. The only regret she had was that Mary was in the room to hear whatever it was, as if she were actually part of the family.
"I am with child!" Cassandra exclaimed, her blue eyes dancing in joy. Kit looked just as happy. "Juliette is to have a little brother or sister."
Emily couldn't help the beaming smile that made its way on to her face. She'd spoken to Cassandra a while ago about children, and she'd told Emily that they'd tried for ages to have a child. With Juliette, they'd had to read through every medical journal they could find and listen to every old wives' tale offered to them. To be blessed with their second so easily was truly fortunate.
Allie was the first to congratulate them, as she squealed at the prospect of being an aunt again. She immediately rose to embrace both Kit and Cassandra, exclaiming all the while how she hoped it would be another girl because nieces were more fun than nephews.
The first thing Emily did was hug her best friend, smiling brightly as she whispered in her ear, "I am so, so happy for you. You deserve every last bit of happiness you've got. I'm so proud of you for chasing what you wanted." This was a reference to something she'd said to her two years ago, before she'd left, and Emily knew Cassandra understood exactly what she meant as, when Emily pulled back from hugging her, her eyes were gleaming with unshed tears as the memories of the past and hope for the future had hit her with full force.
"I'm proud of you, too." She said to Kit as she hugged him. "You've clearly done a good job." She teased, loud enough for just Cassandra and Kit to hear, making Cassie blush before smacking her on the arm and making her husband grin widely, chuckling.
Mary barely acknowledged the news, and only congratulated them out of politeness. It was entirely too amusing to see her around Juliette, as she was always torn between her disgust for children and her desire to impress Nate, which oftentimes had left to Mary cooing at Juliette while still wearing a repulsed expression whenever she thought no one was looking.
Finally, Nate stood, and it was clear that he was feeling emotional. He'd all but raised Cassandra and now, here she was, having children of her own. Any sane person would be impassioned by such a thing.
"Congratulations, Cassie and Kit, on the newest addition to your family. I'm sure that no matter what lies ahead of you, you shall overcome every hardship with the strength of your love, for each other and for your children. Be it niece or nephew, they are always going to have a loving uncle in me." He expounded, voice thick with emotion. Chuckling lightly, he added, "This speech of mine had better give me an edge over the others when it comes to being godfather, though!"
"We wouldn't choose anyone else." Kit said, hugging his brother-in-law.
"Does that extend to naming the child after me, too?" Nate joked, causing Cassandra to roll her eyes.
"I think Nathaniel is a silly name for a girl, but there's a tiny chance I might consider it for a boy." She replied, but Nate only laughed before gathering her up into a hug and muttering something into her ear that made her tear up again.
"Now that the tear-jerking part is out of the way, how about we celebrate?" Nate suggested, before turning towards one of the footmen who was in the corner of the room. "Daniel, please bring us a bottle of the finest champagne in the cellar."
At this, everyone cheered. Although Cassandra technically was not supposed to be drinking any alcohol, she decided that a sip or two of champagne would not make much of a difference.
The rest of the night passed in merriment and joy. Even Juliette joined in. She did not know why everyone was so happy, but she still laughed and giggled along with the rest of them, and didn't cry even once all night, which was a relief to Cassandra. Finally, at nearly half past eleven, they decided that it was an appropriate time to retire as they were all beginning to feel tired.
The maids had already gone to sleep, which meant that Emily had to help herself out of her dress. The corset, especially, was hard to unlace but she managed after much effort. She donned a simple cotton nightgown before slipping into her warm bed.
The crackling sounds of the logs in the roaring fire should have been the perfect lullaby, as it was every other night but, even as the clock struck midnight, she found that she could not fall asleep, despite having wanted to only a half hour before.
Instead, she was struck with memories. Memories of her and Nate. Talking, laughing, reading and simply just sitting in silence, the warmth and closeness between them being enough comfort, and sometimes even better than any conversation they had.
She was even struck with memories of Nate with Juliette, and could remember thinking just how wonderful a father he would one day be. He was so good to her, and so sweet. He adored children, and the way he took care of his niece was the perfect example of what he would be like with his future children.
Perhaps it was stupid, and she'd never liked admitting it to even herself, but she'd sometimes considered what sort of father he'd be to their children. She pictured a little boy with blonde hair like his and grey eyes like hers and a little girl with dark hair like Emily's and her father's lovely brown eyes. She could imagine scenes at Christmas, all of them opening presents under a tree, or even walking into a room and seeing Nate playing with their children. It was simple, but it was a sweet picture, one that made her smile even though she knew it could never come to life.
Or could it?
She could have a great life with Nate, a life that she could live in perfect happiness. Just because she'd made another decision before, it did not mean that she could not change her mind. Things that brought one happiness often changed, and it would only be right for her to change her mind as those changed.
Nate was exactly what would make her happy. He would never treat her as unimportant or inferior. He would never try to curtail her rights or freedoms. He would only ever treat her like his equal, as evidenced by the so many times he'd taken her advice and done exactly as she'd said when it came to financial matters. He would love her till the end of his days, just as he'd promised her and she knew it.
Travelling did make her happy, it truly did, but who was to say that she couldn't be happier with Nate? Besides, they could travel together, couldn't they?
With these thoughts swirling through her head, Emily made up her mind. She slipped out of bed and donned her slippers before grabbing the robe that was thrown across the foot of the bed. She tied the strings of the robe deftly and was halfway to the door when a thought struck her.
Wouldn't it make more sense to wait till tomorrow? It wasn't as if they had only minimal time. Now, they would have the rest of their lives.
But, still, something in her wanted to tell him immediately, to make sure she wasn't dreaming. So, she slipped out of her room, shivering at the cold air of the stone hallway. Nate's room was directly across from hers, so she knocked lightly on the door, hoping he was still awake.
There was no response, so she pressed her ear to the door and frowned as she heard voices. She recognised one as being Nate's, but she was not entirely sure whether she was imagining the second voice or not.
Nevertheless, she pushed the door to the room open, and her mouth fell open in shock. Her eyes widened at the scene before her, and all she could feel was pain of the acutest kind as Nate turned to face her, shock in his eyes at being caught. He opened his mouth to speak, to explain away the situation but stopped when he apparently realised that there was nothing he could say.
For, there he stood, dressed in only his trousers with one button undone. Behind him, with her front to the door, was Mary, dressed in only her undergarments. It was certainly a compromising situation.
Emily nodded to herself as her throat closed, the growing lump a harbinger of the tears about to fall. Nate once again was about to say something, as he hurriedly buttoned up his breeches again, but continued to be at a loss for words.
She waited for it, for an explanation from him. She wanted to give him a chance, so she waited for him to say something, anything that would excuse him from any blame but, even a minute later, no explanation came from either him or from Mary.
"Right, I'll leave then." She said, clearing her throat. Her voice was thick with tears, but she pretended it wasn't. "I'll let you get back to it...."
"Wait, Emily!" Nate exclaimed, cursing under his breath. And she did wait, she waited for a few seconds, but he still did not say anything further. And as she turned to leave the room, the last thing she saw was Mary's victorious smile.
She raced back to her room, where she collapsed against the other side of the heavy door, hugging her knees to her chest. It was then that she let the first tears fall, which soon led to an untamable torrent of tears that wouldn't stop. They fell one after the other, like rain in a storm, and she realised that now that she had started, there was little chance of stopping.
There was just one thought in her mind that repeated time and again, like some awful litany.
I thought I meant more to him. I thought he loved me.