Nathaniel Whitlock was entirely convinced that Emily Carter was the woman for him and absolutely nothing was going to change that.
He'd first thought it when he'd met her properly at a dinner he'd hosted two years ago. He'd always thought she was very pretty but, once he'd heard her speak with such eloquence and intelligence, he'd realised that she was beautiful. Her mind only enhanced her features, in his opinion.
He knew most men wouldn't agree with him at all, but he liked his women with a brain. He wanted someone he could have a conversation with, not some mindless doll whose days and nights would be spent in anticipation of his needs. He needed a woman who thought for herself, not a girl who would just adorn his arm and warm his bed.
Emily was exactly that sort of woman. She had a mind of her own and she had no qualms about expressing her views. He respected her, and that was the most essential quality of any relationship, whether romantic or not. She was independent and didn't allow others to treat her the way they wanted. She stood up for herself and that was a quality he admired in people of either sex.
The night before, when they'd met in the kitchen and had shared a cup of cocoa, he'd felt so.......alive. There was an inferno in his heart where previously there had only been the slightest embers.
For so long, his entire existence had centred around raising, rearing and loving his sisters. He'd been so focused about teaching them to grow into themselves that he'd forgotten almost entirely who he was. Finally, he was starting to remember something.
He loved his sisters, of course he did, more than anything else in the world. However, he'd left himself behind somewhere along the road between being the boy he once was and becoming the man he had now grown to be. That disconnect had only widened, but with Emily's arrival he was becoming his own person again, and he loved that very much.
The problem lay in the fact that she most probably did not think of him like that. They'd shared a few moments here and there, but she hadn't given anything away. He had made it slightly obvious that he thought of her a certain way, but he had not received any signals on her part that she felt the same.
Besides, it was all too quick. They didn't know each other nearly enough. He wanted to know someone's very soul before he could marry them and, as much as she appealed to him, he didn't know the deepest depths of her character yet. He only knew what she allowed him to see.
But, again, he was progressing much too quickly in his thoughts. He needed to control himself, to breathe.
He found that he couldn't, though. She now occupied the every beat of his heart and every thought that passed through his head, and had turned him into a witless fool who couldn't dream of anything but her.
He hated himself for it, but enjoyed the feeling. It made him feel as if he were floating through the clouds, embracing the sky as he danced through the blue with silver wings. It was the strangest feeling he'd ever had, as well as the sappiest but he couldn't change the fact that that was what it was. It was incredibly silly, and he'd never admit it to anyone else, though.
He groaned, burying his face in his hands and rubbing his temples for the briefest of seconds before looking up. This was bound to end in disaster, in him having his heart broken and his feelings hurt, but he could not stop himself from becoming more and more involved.
He couldn't even focus on his damned tenant agreements because all he could think of was her offering to help him with his work and pondering a situation in which she did, in which they would spend many a sleepless nights poring over boring documents together until, someday, he found it in him to kiss her.
And there he went again, behaving like a sappy sod.
Perhaps he needed lessons from Allie on how to be less emotive. The Lord only knew that she had a quick heart that jumped from feeling to feeling and from mood to mood as quickly as Nate could snap his fingers. It hurt quite often to see her needing him less and less, but she was now nineteen and he needed to begin loosening the reins.
With a sigh, he closed the ledger before him, knowing that he would not get any work done if he continued on like this. His mind was growing more and more restless by the day, and jumped from Emily to his sisters to his niece to his tenants and, finally, to his work. The cycle then continued and he could never concentrate for very long. He was beginning to lose faith in his abilities. He couldn't wait for Mr. Greene to return so he could wash his hands of the mess that was agreements and legal documents.
He wasn't built for such things, he'd soon realised. It wasn't that he was incapable of performing such duties but, rather, that he got tired of them quite easily. He was better at actually conversing with his tenants and seeing what could be done there and not with all of this. The legal aspects needed to be handled by a solicitor.
Maybe he would take Emily up on her offer and ask her to help him. Hopefully, he wouldn't be too distracted by her to do what he was supposed to do. Knowing him, he probably would be.
He contemplated pulling a bottle of whiskey from his stash in his desk, but stopped in his tracks because it was barely afternoon and he would not turn into a man like his father, who spent more time intoxicated than he did sober.
There was a sharp rapping on his study door that jerked him from his thoughts. "Come in!" He called, wondering who would call on him now.
The door swung open and Allie walked in, giving him a small smile before shutting the door behind her again. She leaned against it for a second as Nate looked at her questioningly and then finally came to sit in the chair on the other side of the desk from him. She wrung her hands together nervously and then stood up again, and paced a few steps forward and then backwards again while Nate simply watched on, curious and concerned.
Allie wasn't one for nervousness and beating around the bush. She was usually confident and straightforwardâ if she wanted something she would just say it without mincing her words. To see her this anxious was odd for him.
"Allie, are you alright?" He asked finally, getting over his astonishment. He couldn't even remember the last time she had seen fit to enter his study. She had always said it was far too staid and boring for her. He could only recall her playing little games while he worked when she was a child of eleven.
"Right!" She exclaimed suddenly, her voice nothing more than a squeak, "I'm quite alright. I'm fine, really. I just had something I wanted to ask you for. If I'm bothering you, then I can leave. Yes, I think I shall leave."
"Alexandra," Nate smiled, "When was the last time I refused you anything without a good reason for it? You're my little sister, and I will consider anything you ask of me if you truly want me to. So, sit down again and ask me whatever you wish to ask me. Even if it's silly, I promise that I shan't lose my temper."
"It's only that this is something I've asked you for before and you've said no to." She confessed, "I know I shouldn't be this nervous about asking you for something but I still don't know how you will react."
"I already gave you my word that I will not get angry, didn't I? Ask away." He was beginning to become a little nervous. There wasn't much he'd refused Allie, and whatever requests he'd put paid to were not good at all. They were all things that he did not want his impressionable sister doing.
"I wanted to know if I could attend the next few balls." She gushed, and opened her mouth to add to it or defend her plea but he held up his hand to signal her to not say another word and let him speak.
"Allie, I've already told you that I don't want you out in society until you're twenty years of age. It was a condition that was applicable to both you and Cassie and I'm glad for it. You know I want you both to be women who do what you want and not what society wants you to do. I fear that if you are out at too young an age, you will begin to do what the others are doing without considering whether it if what you want or not. The last thing I want is for you to be engaged at nineteen or something foolish like that."
"I turn twenty in three months, Nate!" Allie said, all nervousness fading into indignance. "I'm not going to be nineteen for very long. I've already decided that being out in society is what I want, not anybody else. I'm not going to get married anytime soon and I'm determined, but how wrong is it for me to want to have a little fun?"
Nate had to admit that Allie made a fair point. She was almost twenty and it wasn't fair for her to have to remain cooped up inside the house while the rest of them enjoyed themselves at balls and gatherings. He'd already seen how miserable she'd been when she couldn't attend the ball that she'd invested so much time into planning the other night. She had been in near tears when Nate had peeked into her room to bid her goodnight and see that she was alright.
"But," he scrambled, "You're the daughter of the late Duke and the sister of the sitting Duke of Somerhall. You must be presented before the King before you can be properly out in society. It is only right. It would be deemed very insulting if anything else were to happen."
"Nate, I'm rather sure that rule only seriously applies to London society. It is terribly old-fashioned to do it so properly. No one would be hurt or offended if I attended a ball or two in my own county. I truly doubt His Majesty would care at all." She begged, her eyes widening and becoming filled with so much hope that Nate found himself melting. His sisters would always be his weakness, and he felt no shame in that.
"Okay, fine." Nate gave in, unable to keep himself from smiling as Allie squealed in excitement and rose from her chair, racing towards him and throwing her arms around his neck.
It was the most uncomfortable hug he'd ever received, but he didn't really mind as he pressed a kiss to his sister's cheek and then tapped her back twice, indicating to her to let go.
"There's to be an assembly next week, you can attend that. When Miss Smithson arrives, we'll host another ball. It can be your unofficial coming out ball." He informed her, chuckling as she hugged him again.
"Thank you so much, Nate!" She gushed, "I love you."
"I love you, too, Allie." He promised, and she patted his cheek briefly before hiking up her skirts and hurrying from the room, probably to deliver the good news to everyone else. Hopefully Cassie wouldn't disapprove too much. She was always saying that he gave in to Allie too easily. It wasn't wrong, though, to want to see her happy.
Even as he defended himself internally, he could still feel a sinking sensation in his stomach telling him that something was going to go wrong.
He felt the sudden urge to call Allie back and tell her he'd changed his mind, but quelled this instinct by telling himself that it was only his nerves. Allie would be alright. There wasn't anything to worry about.