My alarm buzzing sets me back to reality from the glorious dream I just had.
My glorious dream was me jumping off of a cliff so I don't have to face going to school today and seeing my teammates and Ms. Reed.
Missing one day wouldn't hurt though, right?
But that's what a pussy would do and I'm not a pussy.
I drag myself carelessly out of bed and flop to the cold floor with my cheek pressed upon it. Although it is very uncomfortable, I'd rather stay here than have to get ready and go to school.
Ever since the flight I took two days ago, I haven't talked to anyone on the volleyball team.
Not even Maisie.
I saw them, they don't give a fuck about me. So why would they worry about where I am? And I'm saying this because I saw a few of the girls locations on Snapchat return at the San Diego Airport only an hour after I arrived back home.
I don't know why they did that. They didn't do shit. I wasn't expecting my teammates to barge through my door and confront or talk to me, but I was expecting a little something from Ms. Reed.
For me to know that she actually cares about me now and I know that I'm not delusional about everything that has happened between us.
But I guess I was wrong.
My dad was so confused why I was home but then I told him everything, apart from the Ms. Reed stuff, and he understood.
There's not enough time for me to lay on the floor and think because I unfortunately have to get ready for prison...school
...
I lock my bike and I open up the doors and step inside school.
The hallways were as loud as ever, the weird kids were still chasing each other, and there were people who I don't even know waving to me. It's like nothing has changed.
Except I don't feel like the same person I was two weeks ago. I still feel invisible with all of these people around me.
Two weeks ago me would've never showed up on time to class without the motivation to see Ms. Reed but here I am, walking into gym class, trying my best to ignore her.
Of course the freshman's sitting spots had to be the first ones right when you walk into the gym so there was no way to not pass Vicious Reed.
I'm looking as straight ahead as I can but of course I can feel her eyes lingering on me.
"Jules."
Her voice feels like a knife slitting the throat.
I fucking hate it.
She said my name pretty loudly but I'm going to pretend I never heard her. What you don't hear doesn't hurt you.
"Jules Oliver." This time she snaps back louder and I begin to feel a wave of embarrassment wash over me but I don't fucking care.
I stop in place and can feel the vibration of the floor getting more noticeable as the sound of her footsteps towards my presence becomes more blaring.
I can feel my eyes start to to water up. Only this time I don't have Ms. Reed to wipe them away incase they release.
"We need to talk in my room. Right now." I can tell her jaw is clenched as she says that because of how furious she sounds.
I turn around facing her, but not looking at her. I'm looking everywhere but here eyes.
"But I have to be here for attendance. I can't be marked-"
"I don't care what you need or don't need to do." Her voice gradually gets quieter but it doesn't soften one bit. "Let's go."
I gulp and begin to follow her to her classroom.
Unleashing that nervous diarrhea before school definitely didn't help because I have it again.
She opens the door to her health room but doesn't hold it for me and it almost slams shut in my face.
Fucking bitch.
When I step inside the room, my mind begins to think about all of the amazing and reminiscent memories I had in here.
I never wanted to leave this place but now that's all I want to do.
Ms. Reed makes her way towards her desk as she adjusts her glasses. I keep my space and stand close to the door. Incase she tries to kill me or I really have to shit again. Maybe if I stand her silently she'll forget I'm in the room and forget why she was even in here.
Not to my surprise, she doesn't.
"Sit down."
I begin to make my way to one of the desks further away from her desk but she looks back and forth at me and the desk right in front of her desk that I normally sit in, so I have no choice but to sit there.
I place my backpack down as I sit down and I feel my legs start to shake faster than normal. She stands up and leaves behind her desks and sits on the front of it so she is facing me directly.
"Where the fuck did you go Jules?!"
Her voice cracks a little on the last word but she does her best attempt to cover it up by crossing her arms. I feel like she's trying the best in her ability to hide her feelings but it's backfiring. I'm not sure if that's making this situation better or worse.
I look down at the desk with both of my legs still shaking. "I, I left."
"You didn't just leave Jules." I'm not looking at her but I can tell she stands up from sitting on the desk, feeling her gaze harder on me. "You full on disappeared. Left without saying anything to anybody! Do you know how much the team was worried about you? How much I-." She stops herself from finishing that sentence as if it seems she's going to regret what she would've said.
I still look down, beginning to pick my nails because of how much I hate this.
"Fucking look at me Jules!" As much as I hate Ms. Reed right now, I still look at her. I would still do anything she'd ask me too. Even in a scenario where she wasn't my teacher.
"I didn't ask for anyone to worry about me." My voice is barely above a whisper because if my voice creaks one bit, tears will start to pour down.
The silence is so loud right now. I feel like I am suffocating.
Ms. Reed runs a hand through her hair as she laughs out of frustration. "Dammit Jules, I don't, I don't know what you want me to do here. What do you want me to say? You storm off and take a flight back home without saying anything to anyone while you were my responsibility. I just, what am I supposed to say about that?"
I try to swallow the lump in my throat but it won't go away. I want to tell her, 'I want you to care,' but when I open my mouth, the words won't come out.
I look down at the floor again, embarrassed to look into her eyes and just shrug. "I don't know."
I shift in my seat as I can feel Ms. Reeds eyes stay and study me like she's trying to piece something together about me.
"Do you think that this is easy for me Jules?" Her voice is a little softer now but I can still feel the frustration behind it. "Do you think that I don't care? Is that it?"
I stare at her for a minute without blinking once. I'm not quite sure how to answer her. A part of me wants to scream at her that she doesn't care because if she did then she wouldn't have acted the way she did after we won Nationals. I'm trying to find the words I want to say but it seems impossible for me to do so.
Her eyes begin to soften but there is still something behind them. I can't place a finger on it. I'm not sure if it's regret, guilt, or something potentially worse. All I know is that it's something that is making the thick air thicker.
"I, I don't know how to help you Jules, how to fix whatever this is."
I still sit there silently, looking at her. There are so many things I want to say to her but I don't have the gut to say any of it.
"You think I didn't notice Jules?" She takes a step forward so now she's even closer to me than before. "You think I didn't notice you out there on the court. You think I didn't see the way you carried the team? How we would've been nowhere without you?" Her voice raises but it's softer than before. She has little voice cracks during a few words but I don't think she cares about that anymore.
I still don't respond.
I hesitate, trying to think of anything, literally anything but I can't. My mind is blank.
"Do you think it was easy for me?" She steps even closer to me now and my eyes are so locked on hers. "Watching you play, I don't know, so...perfect? Knowing I had to hold myself back from saying that to you since the first time I saw you play? I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with this Jules. I just don't."
Her voice begins to drop to just a little bit above a whisper and I still feel frozen in place.
Everything she is saying is making me feel like another stone is being placed on top of my chest and I am being crushed.
The confident and cocky Ms. Reed that I know seems to be gone. Every single word she's saying now has a little bit of shakiness in it. "I've spent every night trying to figure out whatever this is with you Jules. I've tried to push you away but now you keep pushing me away."
I'm not sure how much more of this I'm going to be able to take. I don't know what's worse, the fact that she actually cares or the fact that she never showed me.
Although it was only for a few seconds, the moment of silence between us feels like eternity.
"Why did you leave? Why did you leave after we won? After everything."
I feel stiff. I'm not sure if I'm ready to give her the real reason I left. Everything is so tense right now but I can't fuck it up.
"I felt invisible after the game. You weren't there to celebrate with me. You didn't care. You think it was easy for me to watch you hug every girl and not me?"
Her face falls and I can tell what I just said felt like a slap to her. But do I regret it?
No.
"I know that, that, that night before was a little messy but you think I didn't want to celebrate or be there with you?"
I bite my lip, trying to hold back my tears. All I can think about is that night, how close our lips were and how I could feel her breath on my neck. Then the knock on the door made her pull away.
Since then, she's ignored me.
"I don't know what you want me to say." She breaks eye contact with me for a moment but then returns her eyes to me. "I don't know how to fix this, or how to fix us. But I didn't want you to leave."
She let's out a long breath and begins distancing herself from me as she makes her way to the door.
"Just think about it and the actions you've done. Now, let's get back to class."
She opens the door without turning back to glance at me.
I decide to sit there for a moment to try and process everything that had just happened. I'm not sure how to feel about this all. I'm not sure if Ms. Reed just admitted that she has feelings for me.
I don't know if this conversation fixed anything or just broke more things apart.
Authors Words:
:)
This was lowk so painful to write it made me sad.