Ansel's words, ever so passionately tender.
And how moving they were- Gods, Harvey kept on reading them⦠those letters⦠over and over and over.
As if Ansel were speaking to him through that paper.
Cause When you look like that,
I've never ever wanted to be so bad ohâ
And it drives me wild,
Cause it's, too long to the weekend,
Too long till I drown in your hands,
Too long since I've been a fool, oh â
You drive me wilder, wilder, wild.
It didn't take time for Harvey to realise his feelings. Why did he always look around the corner, always chase the clock and why⦠why did he want so much to see Ansel. Of course, the soft curls of his unkempt hair, the freckles on his nose, his broken nails â
Why did he notice even the tiniest details about Ansel?
And the butterflies in his stomach, the feverish tinge on his skin, the sparks everytime Ansel touched him.
It was love.
There was no point in denying it.
And the more Harvey prolonged it, the more he grew restless. Ansel was all he ever had on his mind. And he wasn't going to wait for an opportunity to say that.
After all, Harvey wasn't much of a thinker.
"Ansel, I have something to say." Harvey caught a hold of Ansel a fine morning, right outside of Ansel's class for the Genesis and Old Testament literature.
"Yes?" Ansel's voice broke Harvey's thoughts.
"I have something to say." Harvey bit his lip.
"Is something the matter?" Ansel's demeanor changed from north to south.
"Not here⦠can I have some⦠can we talk alone?" Harvey fumbled, not trying to attract the attention of the spectators.
"Harvey, are you alright?" Ansel reached out his hand to touch Harvey's forehead, and the taller boy flinched immediately, while Ansel's eyes widened at the temperature of the flushed skin.
"Yes uhmm⦠I am fine but I want to tell you something, not here â" Harvey fidgeted, licking his dry lips and shuffling his feet. "I am uhâ¦" his hand darted to the back of his head, rubbing his nape, "Ansel you see,"
"Should we head to somewhere more discreet?" Ansel gave a light squeeze to Harvey's hand, which Harvey didn't realise that he was holding on to.
"Yes, absolutely."
"Then let's head to the stairway. No one comes there anyway."
All Harvey could do was nod, eyes transfixed on the back of Ansel's head, down to his squared shoulders, and their hands, hands held together, as Ansel lead him away and all Harvey could do was nod.
"Here. Say?" Ansel leaned against the stone wall, his messenger bag slung over his shoulder and his chapped hands clasping the straps near his waist. There was a soft smile on his face, a look of concern adorning his gentle face.
Which Harvey would realise, in due time, was nothing more than an affection of a mother.
"I am in love with you." Harvey blurted out, voice raising slightly, echoed by the stone walls around them. His own breath labored, and eyes dilated as he watched Ansel's face with scrutiny.
"Wh-what?" Ansel stuttered. He stuttered.
Had Harvey succeeded in making Ansel weak in the knees? His ego swelled hard, and high.
"I am in love with you." This time, he was more confident, more earnest and all the more intense.
Then Ansel chuckled, "You're in⦠what?" Harvey watched with furrowed brows as Ansel's face contorted into something so un-Ansel-like. Sadness.
"No, you are not." Ansel replied, barely a whisper. "You are not in love with me. You can't be in love with⦠me."
"What do you mean I can't?" Harvey's feet moved with a mind of their own, until he stood mere inches apart from Ansel, his sight fixated on Ansel's dirty brown hair. "I can't, or I can't?"
"No you don't understand." Ansel looked up, "you don't love me. What you are feeling is just â" Ansel was cut off when Harvey slammed his palm on the wall, straight next to Ansel's head.
"Don't you dare dictate what I feel and what I don't." Harvey yelled in a whisper, eyes glaring straight into Ansel, and all said and done, he felt so so pathetic.
He could never realise what was Ansel thinking.
"Because I know." Ansel teared up. "I know⦠I am not the right person for you."
"Do you even know me?" Harvey scoffed.
"You don't like to say much, you love a few people and love them to death. For the rest, you won't send a glance their way. Your protectiveness for your loved ones is what makes you so angry and sometimes irrational, and you tend to act ras â"
"Stop!" Harvey's words stuck in his throat. "Stop⦠making me fall for you even more."
"I'm sorryâ I⦠I made you feel that way." Ansel looked down, his lower lip quivering and his fingers curled up, almost scratching the stone wall.
"Don't say this," Harvey had never felt so dreadful, so heavy ever in his life. His heart was throbbing so painfully in his chest, almost as if he didn't even want to hear what Ansel was about to say. "At times like this, you either accept or reject. You don't give excuses."
"I've never, I need to go Harveyâ" Ansel clutched the straps of his cotton messenger bag.
Heart hammering in his chest, Harvey knew that this interaction was only going to make things further downhill, yet he couldn't back away now. When he was this close.
"No," Harvey pulled him back, grabbing his face in his own hands and haphazardly pressing his lips against Ansel's. The older boy stumbled in shock, and for a moment, he let Harvey take the best of him.
"Harâ" Ansel tried to protest, but his hands were pinned down on the either side of his head, and inexperienced lips tackling him down, Ansel couldn't reply nor protest, all his voices were drowned down in the back of his throat when Harvey claimed his lips.
What do first kisses feel like?
Tears, sweat and rejection.
"Harvey pleaseâ" Ansel had this begging tone in his voice when Harvey pulled away, not quite able to tear his gaze away from Ansel's swollen lips, tears glistening in his eyes and his combed hair now disheveled.
"You love me, Ansel, don't you?" Harvey murmured, his nose buried in Ansel's neck and his arms slowly dropping down to clasp around Ansel's waist. "I do love you⦠there's no other explanation why⦠why would you be so kind to meâ¦"
"Harvey you ought not be doing this." Ansel begged again, and Harvey simply tightened his hold.
Afraid, that if he let go, he'd have to let go of Ansel forever.
"Harvey I need to go."
When in the first place, Ansel was never his, was he?
"Harvey pleaseâ"
Why⦠do you do this to me?
Harvey let go of the older boy, gulping all his insecurities and desperate feelings down his throat as he saw Ansel stand a bit further from him, fear shining brightly in his eyes.
"We still are friends? Are we not?"
Ansel took a moment to respond.
Hesitation.
"Yes of course, why not. So, shall we meet again sometime?"
Harvey could only nod, as Ansel scurried away in haste, undignified.
"What do I even mean to you?"
W I L D - troye sivan