When it had just gone 6am I gave up on getting any sleep.
I knew Jax and probably the other two boys would be awake by now. I sit up and sigh. I was exhausted I couldn't sleep at all last night. I don't think I slept a wink.
I climbed out of bed and got into the shower straight away. Once I got out of the shower I blow dry and straighten my hair.
Once I was finished with my hair I pick out one of my outfits. I chose a black blazer cape dress. Once I was dressed I do my makeup how I normally do it except I pay a little more attention to the bags under my eyes.
After my makeup was done I put on just a normal necklace and then put on my black saint Laurent heels.
I head out of my room and head to the top of the stairs where I meet Matteo yawning.
"Morning Lara." He says and I smile as we walk down the stairs.
"Morning Matteo." I say smiling.
"Did you sleep alright?" He asks and I nod.
"Lovely." I say and he smiles.
We head into the dinning room but we were the first people in there.
"Are you excited for today, you're legally going to become Alannah's mother?" Matteo says and I take a sip of my water and nod.
"I will always be Alannah's mother, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me." I say and he smiles.
"I've never met someone so about their child." Matteo says I smile.
He's got mommy issues.
"You'll understand when you have you're own child." I say.
After breakfast Matteo leads me to Jax's home office. I follow him in there and take a seat.
"Our meeting is at 11am." Jax says running a tired hand down his face.
"I need to go to the warehouse house first, you're going to spend the morning with me and hopefully after the meeting with David we will be able to go back to Brazil." Jax says and I nod.
"You and Gio best arrive at the Warehouse before I leave there atleast." Jax says to Matteo who puts his arms up in defence.
"Come on." Jax asks and I nod and follow him to his car.
I get in the passenger seat as I text Carter about every going on in Brazil.
"How's everything in Brazil?" He asks as I don't look up from the screen of my phone.
"They're organising a raid for tomorrow night of an old building in Porto Alegre." I say putting my phone in my bag.
"Are there any other leads if she isnt there?" He asks and I sigh.
"Not as of right now." I say and he nods.
"You might want to be careful when we go in there." Jax says and I take a deep breath as I look at the familiar building.
I get out of the car and stare at the building that often arises in my nightmares.
"Because they probably all hate me and well they have no loyalties to me at all." I say getting my sunglasses out of my bag and putting them on.
"Exactly for that reason. So uh keep your head down. I promised to keep you safe and I don't plan on breaking that because of the hatred some of these men have for you." He says and I chuckle nervously.
"Going to have to get used to angry men eventually right?" I take two steps forward and signalling for Jax to walk infront of me.
As we walk to Jax's office I get cat called a few times which was a good sigh because they clearly don't know who I am.
I stand in his office and look around as Jax takes a seat. It hadn't changed in hers either except there was no longer a painting of Vincenzo and Alessandro but a painting of Jax and Gio.
"You can sit down you know?" Jax says gesturing to the chairs. I take a seat whilst looking down.
"It feels like I've been gone forever yet nothing has changed at all." I say shocked.
I got extremely bored in the office due to Jax just taking phone calls and signing papers.
When it was finally time we headed to David and Nicole's office.
As I step through the front doors I look around the office space. Me and James used to hang out here whilst waiting for Nicole or David sometimes. It hadn't changed it was still pristine and was quite white.
We headed to the elevator and up to the floor that David's office was on. Jax leads me to his office as me and James were never really allowed to David's office.
Jax knocks on the door and waits for David to open the door.
"Sorry Jax, I was caught up in litigation all-- Oh my god Lara." David says and pulls me into a hug.
We head into his office and take a seat opposite him.
"How are you and Where's Alannah?" David asks and I sigh and start to play with my necklace.
"Look David we both know that when I'm here something that I particularly didn't want to happen, happened." Jax says leaving David confused.
"Alannah was kidnapped. Now in order for her to be more safe we need to adopt her and we need it to look like we've always been her parents." Jax says and he nods.
"That's terrible but of course I'll help you. I was always trying to get Lara to become Alannah's legal guardian anyway." David says and I smile at him.
"We need this to happen pretty fast and well no one can know we're here doing this." Jax says and I look up at David.
"Especially not James or Nicole." I say and he looks at me confused.
"I love you guys and I've missed you all like crazy. But this is dangerous stuff. I don't want any one that doesn't already know, to know about Alannah. With Jax being here father now, we're more likely to return to New York again so we'll come and visit you I promise." I say and he nods and pulls some papers out of files.
After signing a hell load of papers David finally put them in an envelope. "Look this process is normally between 7 and 9 months, I'll try get it processed as fast as possible and text me when you find her." David says and I nod and hug him and thank him for his help.
"Do we need to stay longer or are we going to be called back to sign more things?" I ask and he sighs as he writes on the envelope.
"You'll be fine to go back now I have everything signed and if there isn't something that's signed I'll send it to you or something." He says and I nod and thank him a last time.
Jax basically dropped me back off at the house before he went speeding off.
I headed up to the guest room I was staying in as we were going back to Brazil tomorrow. Except instead of flying back to Sao Paulo, we're going to fly to Porto Algere and join the raid.
I text Carter the outfit I wanted him meet me with in Porto Algere tomorrow.
I spent the evening with Amara, we went into the city and had dinner there. We had a wonderful evening and it was nice to have a friend that was a girl and be able to get along so well.
Once we got home from the city it was about 9pm so I headed to my room. I took my makeup off and decided on having a bath. I put my hair in a messy bun whilst running the bath.
After my bath I got dressed into my pyjamas and left my outfit out for tomorrow before packing the rest of my stuff when my bedroom door slammed.
I jump in fright and turn around to see Jax stood there.
"Jesus Jax you scared me half to death." I say and he runs he apologises quietly.
"Are you okay?" I ask as I turn back to my stuff.
"Yesterday I wanted to tell you so bad that I can't not beat myself up about how I treated you. I always told myself if I were to ever see you again I would apologise so sincerely. I miss having you around this goddam house Lara for fuck sake. I dream about it sometimes. The life we could of had before I was a complete and utter arsehole. Then how happy we were before. It feels so real sometimes but then I realised you left me." He says softly with his heart.
I slowly stand up from where I was packing my stuff and turn around to see Jax who was focusing on the bathroom door.
"Jax I couldn't stay here. I had to go to Brazil and talk to my father. I have nightmares about that night all the time. All the nightmares I had before are completely and utterly gone. I don't have to worry about my mom or about not feeling safe because my dad. I just see a dark cold room and I can hear you shouting at me and some man coming down and trying to hurt me. Jax I'm scared. I couldn't stay here scared the way I was. You lived down the street from me it was too hard." I say and he sighs.
"I would take it all back in a heartbeat if it meant that you wouldn't be scared of me Lara. I hate that. You never knew before them nights, the rough side to me. Now when I slam a door or slightly raise my voice you get scared and that hurts me. It hurts knowing the only girl I'll ever love is scared of me." He says and I look at his confused.
"I saw you when I was on the phone earlier." He says and I look to my feet.
"I just ugh. Everytime I see you going back into your room after spending half the night with Carter infuriates me. I know it's nothing more than sleep but, that was me. I was the only thing that could get you to sleep, now its him." He says in disgust.
"If I'm perfectly honest, he doesn't make me feel the way you did Jax. When I go to bed, most of the time it doesn't work and its because we don't have that connection. You don't have to worry." I say softly before turning back around to my stuff.
"It worries me when the women I love is in bed with another man." Jax says and I spin on my heels but he still refuses to meet my eyes.
"What?" I ask. Love? He still loves me?
"Yeah that's right." He says meeting my eyes.
"I never stopped loving you and I never will." He says stepping infront of me and putting his hands on my cheeks as he kisses me.
I kissed him back, it's not like I haven't missed him. I have. I realised that the second his lips touched mine.
He pulls away from the kiss and I was stood there stunned at what had happened.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He says running a hand through his hair.
"Its fine." I say and yawn.
"I'll let you get some sleep." He says awkwardly.
"Its not like I'll get any sleep anyway." I admit and he sighs.
"I am extremely sorry Lara. I would take it all back if it meant you could be happy." Jax says and I nod.
"I know." I say reaching up and putting my hand on his cheek. He instantly molds into my hand whilst I smile sympathetically.
"I should go." He says taking my hand away from his face slowly. "I don't want to scare you." He says and slowly walks out.
I sit at the foot of my bed and sigh. I then decide to finish sorting out my stuff so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow. I climb into bed and just sit there staring at the door which was perfectly opposite my bed.
I was sort of kicking myself. What Jax was telling me made my heart throb. I still love him and I'll always love him and it sort of looked one sided.
I should of told him I still love him and that most nights I crave being in his arms and as much as I should and want to hate him, I don't. And I hate that I love him as much as I do.
I'm just scared he'll hurt me.
He didn't want to hurt me now but I'm the moment he was so angry he wanted to.
Maybe I should tell him. He marched in here and confessed how he still feels for me. He's a man with a massive ego yet he came in here and would let me ruin his ego.
When it got to about 2am I gave up on debating and just decided to head to Jax's room.
I fling open his door to see him stood at his desk in his room drinking some sort of alcohol. He looked up to me confused making me sigh.
"I hate you, I really hate you." I say and he looks at me stunned.
"After all these months and all the pain you've put me through, I should hate you." I say and he stands up whilst placing his glass down.
"But..." he says walking towards me and I sigh.
"But I don't, okay. I still love you and it makes me go out of my mind because I should hate you." I say punching his chest.
He makes me look up at him whilst he was smiling. "I'll never not love you Lara Fernandez." He admits and I smile whilst letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
He leans down and kisses me whilst I put my arms around his neck. He places his arms under my thighs and picks me up.
He stumbles so we were against the wall. I wrap my legs around his torso whilst he starts kissing down my neck.
He pulls back and carefully puts me back down on the floor and turns his back to me.
"I don't want you to think I'm using you for sex." He says and I furrow my eyebrows.
"I know you're not." I say but he doesn't answer. He's more emotional now. More emotional than he's ever been.
"Jax." I say putting my hand on his shoulder and turning him around.
"What's wrong?" I ask looking at how annoyed he looked.
"Nothing, nothings wrong. You should just leave." He says pointing to the door.
"Jax." I say softly so he would talk to me but he doesn't.
"No Lara please, you'll only get my hope's up when we want diffrent things."Â He says and I look at him confused.
He sits on the edge of his bed whilst I look at him confused.
"What do you want?" I ask him softly and he sighs.
"You." He admits.
"I'll never love again its obvious karma for you. I love you and in this lifestyle you only really fall in love once. So I'm happy that you were the person I experienced love with. Except I want to get back together. I want to help you raise Alannah. I want to get married and I want to have kids with you. Yet you don't want any of that with me which is understandable." Jax says and I sigh.
"I didn't trust you. But its slowly growing back with how much you're helping me with Alannah. I'm slowly getting back there. I just I think about you all the time and it drives me crazy when I'm supposed to hate you." I say sighing and crouching down infront of him.
I hold his hands infront of him and then meet his gaze to see his eyes were watery.
"It would be so much easier if you still hated me." I say and he sighs.
I pull him into a hug when I couldn't bear to look at his watery eyes anymore.
After about ten minutes Jax steps back from the hug and meets my eyes before going in to kiss me. I obviously meet his kiss as we fall back on to his bed.
Our kiss deepens and he makes his way down my neck.
He starts sucking on my sweet spot once he gets there causing me to moan. "Just as I remembered." He whispers softly into my ear.
He continues to attack my neck with kisses making me feel as amazing as he had before and we were only making out.
He pulls back and meets my eyes.
"Do you want to do this?" He asks softly and I nod leaving him with the biggest smile on his face.
He rips open my t-shirt and my eyes widen.
"Hey I love these pyjamas." I say as he starts to kiss my chest.
"I'll buy you a new one." He says placing a quick kiss on my lips.
He starts kissing down the valley of my chest when my bra stops him. He looks up at me and I nod whilst he takes it off.
He takes it off and just looks at me smiling.
"What?" I ask as he traces his hand from my waist up to my cheek.
"You're so beautiful." He says then joins his lips with mine.
He rolls us over so I was straddling him. I unbuttoned his shirt and and take if off of him. I then throw it to the floor whilst he just stared at me.
"Stop staring at me like that." I say whilst I un do his trousers. I take them off and my eyes widen.
"What?" He asks sitting up slightly.
"I forgot how big you were." I say making him smile whilst pulling me back with him.
He kissed all the way down my neck, chest and stomach till he got to the waist band of my pyjama shorts. He smiles at me before not even removing my shorts or underwear.
He rubs me with the biggest grin on his face.
"You're body reacts so quickly to me." He says as he pushes my underwear to the side and plunges his fingers into me.
My back arches which makes Jax hold my hip down with his free hand.
"Fuck you feel the same. So good." He says thrusting his fingers in and out, curling them as he does so.
Oh my fucking god.
"Does it feel good?" He asks and I nod grabbing his wrist and pushing him to go fast.
His thumb meets my clit and I throw my head back.
"Mhm." I let out and he smiles at me before kissing the corner of my mouth.
He moves his lips onto mine and I use my free arm to wrap around his neck.
"Jax." I moan out as I feel myself coming close as the tight feeling in my core comes.
"Come on my hand. I'm right here." He says pressing his thumb to my clit, pushing me over the edge.
He removed his fingers and brought them up to his mouth, sucking them clean.
He hovers over me as he sucks on his fingers.
"You taste as good as I remember." He tells me, making me blush.
He finally takes off my shorts and underwear before then taking off his boxers.
"Are you sure?" He asks leaning over to the nightstand to grab a condom.
"Yes." I tell him and he kisses my cheek.
He lines himself up against me and I nod letting him know it's still okay.
He gently slides into me after that it wasn't gentle.
The times me and Jax had spent together were intimate and gentle, but this wasn't. He wasn't rough either rough, it was sort of perfect.
"Fucking hell Lara." He says thrusting into me. My eyes roll back from the pleasure I was receiving from Jax right now.
"I want to try something actually." He says and I look at him confused. He turns us over and smirks at me again.
"You go on top." He says and my eyes widen.
He gently lowers me on to him and then grabs my thighs.
"Whenever you're ready." He says and I nod before slowly start going in circular motions.
It didn't take long till I adjusted and was going a bit faster.
"God, you're so sexy." Jax says which was just boasting my confidence.
"I don't know how much of this I'll be able to take." Jax says as he reaches up and starts massaging my breasts. My eyes roll back again as I moan out Jax's name.
"Hold it for me and we'll do it together." Jax says releasing my nipple from inbetween his fingers.
"Ready baby?" He asks as he grips my thighs and we come together.
I collapse down beside Jax who just wouldn't stop staring at me.
"God, I've missed you so much." He says making me smile. I place a hickey on his chest quickly which makes us both giggle and resulted in Jax giving me a matching hickey.
How old are we? Because right now we're acting like teenagers.
I lie on my side and so does Jax. We spoon and he wraps his arms around me whilst kissing my neck which made me laugh.
It didn't take long to fall asleep but after all the pain this man has caused me, I still feel so safe in his arms. I fell asleep in his arms and got a perfect night sleep for the first time in months.