I hardly slept last night. I probably got an hour all together. Alannah was snuggled into my chest and was still fast to sleep.
The door squeaks open and I look to my left to see Carter standing there.
"Are you joining us for breakfast?" He asks and I shake my head for no.
"How is she?" He asks and I sigh.
"She's not doing okay, shes woken up multiple times crying. I just want her to be okay but she won't." I say and he sighs.
"I'm here for whatever the both of you need." He says and I smile and thank him.
When Carter leaves he accidentally woke Alannah up.
She didn't cry she just snuggled in even closer when I heard her stomach growl. I sit up and so does she and I look down at her smiling softly at her.
"Breakfast time." I say and she smiles before reaching up and wrapping her arms around my neck.
I carry her to the dinning room where surprisingly no one was there. She sits down, I get her some pancakes and cut then up for her.
I watched her completely devour the pancakes whilst sipping on some coffee.
"You need to eat too." She says so I pick up a cinnamon roll which I have for breakfast.
After watching Alannah shove her face with food and drink lots of juice we head back upstairs. We go to my room, where I make my bed and sit Alannah on it. I choose her outfit then brush her teeth and clean her face.
I get her dressed into a sea green shorts and matching top. Once she was dressed I sat her on my bed and put YouTube on my phone but she wasn't fussed by that.
I went to go into the bathroom but she started crying. I head back in to my room and calm her down.
"Bub I need to get ready." I say but she shakes her head no.
"Hey I was about to head out, I just wanted to see if you needed anything." Carter says opening my door.
"Can you cuddle with Alannah whilst I have a shower?" I ask and he nods and takes Alannah out of my arms.
Alannah also didn't like that which was odd. She was screaming whilst in his arms. I take her back from him and smile softly at him.
"Everything alright?" Jax asks leaning on the door frame.
"Yeah, she's upset and won't go to Carter whilst I get ready." I say and he furrows his eyebrows.
"Let me see." Jax says walking towards her and putting his arms out but she goes into his arms willingly.
Carter just sighs and walks out.
"If you aren't busy can you please watch her for like twenty minutes whilst I have a shower?" I ask and he nods whilst stroking her hair.
"Of course." He says and I thank him.
Once I get out of the shower I put on a nude cable knit pants and top. I brush my teeth then put my hair in a messy bun as I didn't have time to wash it.
I come out of my bathroom to see Jax rocking with Alannah in his arms fast to sleep. I smile at the scene until he notices me.
"How was she last night?" He asks and I sigh.
"She woke up every couple of hours, but we'll get there. We always do." I say and he sighs and nods.
I sit down at my window seat and just watch Jax with Alannah in his arms.
"Where is everyone?" I ask and he smiles.
"We're officially off duty now, the three of them are exploring which Matteo is thrilled about." He says making me chuckle.
"Why didn't you go with them?" I ask as he sits beside me.
"I've got to take care of my family." He says and I smile at him. I rest my head on his shoulder.
"To think this time last year, my life was so simple." I say and he puts his free arm around my waist.
"But now you're a bad ass." He says giving my waist a gently squeeze and making me smile.
"I don't want to ruin your time in Brazil Jax. Why don't you go and meet up with the others. Alannah is just catching up on sleep right now." I say and he sighs.
"But I want to be here." He says and I just nod. He can stay.
"We need to talk about the other night." He says and I sigh.
"Jax I can't right now. There's so much going on that I can't even think about what happened." I say and he sighs.
"Just tell me why you left." He tells me softly and I sigh knowing that I've hurt him.
"I couldn't sleep Jax." I lie and he nods his head slowly.
"I actually have a few things I need to do." He says putting Alannah in my arms gently.
"Jax." I say but he doesn't answer, he just leaves.
I sigh and lean my back against the wall whilst Alannah nuzzled into my chest. I wrapped a blanket around us and looked out into the garden.
It was about 1pm when I woke Alannah up. She looked so tired that I wanted to let her sleep.
"Its lunch time bub, you need to have some lunch." I say and she nods.
I take her downstairs whilst holding her hand. We head into the kitchen and we sit at the island. Ana brings us some grilled cheese sandwiches.
"Do you want to go into the garden?" I ask once she had finished her food. She nods so I help her down from the stool and she takes my hand.
We head into the garden and I let go off Alannah's hand. She takes a deep breath before walking down the steps and pass the pool.
"Come on mom." She shouts.
I follow her to the garden and just watch as she spins in a circle whilst looking up at the sky.
She runs over to me and takes my hands and gets me to spin around with her.
We fall to the floor laughing which made me smile. Because since I got her back last night, I hadn't heard her laugh or even seen her smile.
She lies in my arms whilst we look up at the sky and at the clouds.
We spent the rest of the afternoon pointing the clouds and saying what they look like.
At around 5pm Alannah fell asleep in my arms whilst looking at the clouds. I carefully picked her up and took her back inside.
I head towards the living room when I see Jax.
"Do you want help?" He asks ans I shake my head for no.
"Come on Jax you should know how strong I am by now." I joke and he laughs softly.
"I saw you two in the garden, you looked like you were having fun." He says and I nod.
"She needed to have fun and laugh, she hasn't even smiled since we got her last night." I say and he sighs.
I lie Alannah down on the sofa and Jax sits on the other side of her.
"I was thinking about a conversation we had." Jax says and I look up at him confused. "I was wondering if you did end up getting Alannah checked for anxiety." Jax says and I look down at the floor.
"I didn't, she got better Jax. She hardly has nightmares anymore. She got better so I didn't think I needed to." I say and he nods.
"Well she's definitely going to have PTSD now." Jax says and I sigh and nod.
"I looked up last night how to support a child with PTSD." Jax says and I look over at him confused.
"It's good to get them talking about what happened. It will help and just constant reassurance." He says and I nod.
"Jax I've dealt with it before I know what I'm doing." I say and he nods.
"I don't. As much as I'm going home next week, I need to be here for her to. I'm her father now and we're family Lara. Im not going anywhere. We're going to figure out how we're going to be a family. I know you don't want to move to New York and I wouldn't make you, but I want to be there. For the both of you." He says and I smile softly at him.
"Have you told her yet?" Jax asks and I shake my head for no.
"I wanted to do it together and when she was having a bad day." I say and he nods.
"Okay." He says.
"Oh how is she." Claudia and Arabella say rushing in. Me and Jax put our fingers over our mouths to hint for them to be quiet then hint at Alannab sleeping.
"Shes okay, she's been sleeping quite a lot but shes okay." I say and they smile sympathetically at me.
"If you need us, you know where we are." They say and I smile before they leave.
Me and Jax just spent the rest of the afternoon talking like how we used to.
When Alannah woke up we went into her play room.
"I want you to be a princess." She says to Jax and he looks at her shocked.
"But I'm a boy." He says and she rolls her eyes playfully.
"So?" She says and I had to contain my laughter at her sassiness.
"Fine you can be a king. Mommy can be Queen and I'll be a princess." She says putting crowns on all our heads.
Once it was dinner time Alannah didn't really want to go to dinner. She held both mine and Jax's hand whilst we walked into the dinning room.
We were the last ones in there. Alannah stood still in her tracks making me and Jax look down. She sunk into my side and Jax just stroked her hair. I pick her up and head to the table.
She sits down but ignores everyone talking to her and just looks at the floor. She was sat in the middle of Carter and I, like she normally does.
"Alannah." He says softly and touches her hand but she freaks out and starts screaming and crying.
Everyone looks at her worried so I stand up and pick her up.
"Sorry." I say as I stroke her hair and head out of the room.
"Do you want me to come?" Jax questions but I shake my head no.
"Stay and eat." I say and he looks at me with wide eyes.
"Jax she'll be fine, I promise." I say and he squeezes my hand.
"If you need me-"
"I know." I say cutting him off.
I take Alannah back up to my room where she eventually calms back down after lots of cuddling.
"What's wrong bub?" I ask and she sighs.
"I'm scared." She says and I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
"It's okay we're all here for you." I say and she nods.
I hear Alannah's stomach growl so we head back downstairs, but when we went back down no one was in the dinning room.
We sit at the dinning table just eating.
"I love this." She says with a mouthful of food. I look at her sternly and her eyes widen.
"I'm sorry mama." She says and I smile.
"Its okay but don't do it again." I say and she nods.
After dinner I took Alannah in the garden to sit on the steps for five whilst we got some fresh air.
After about half an hour we head back upstairs to my room. Alannah hadn't gone or wanted to go back in her room since she had come back.
Alannah followed me into the bathroom where I then ran her a bubble bath. After her bath I got her into some pyjamas and braid her hair again.
I lie her down in bed and hold her hand whilst she falls to sleep.
"Your not gonna leave me right?" She says quietly and softly.
"Never. I love you." I say and kiss her cheek.
"Please don't leave me again." She says softly as she falls asleep.
"I won't." I say and kiss her forehead and give her hand a light squeeze.
After a few hours I let go of Alannah's hand to get ready for bed myself. I head back into my room and see Jax leaning against the door frame.
"Everything alright?" I ask and he nods.
"I just wanted to see how you both were." He says and I nod.
"We're both good." I say and he smiles.
"I'm going to go to bed now Jax." I say and he nods. He knows I won't really fall asleep though.
He walks over and kisses Alannah's forehead then leans over to kiss mine.
"Goodnight." He says and heads out closing the door behind him.
But yet another night of barely any sleep, as I'm far too concerned about Alannah.