Song: 'Never been in love' by Haley Campbell
Never been in
It's the look on your face when you look at me
Makes my heart skip a beat, damn, it's good to be be yours
So good to be yours
It's the way that you talk when you speak to me
Just the thought of your voice, boy, it's keepin' me up
You make me feel, make me feel like I've never been in love
Like I've never held a hand before
'Cause I've never held a hand like yours
Like it's the first time I'm kissin' someone again
You make me feel, make me feel like I've never been
Broken hearted, cryin' all night long
Like every single scar I've got is gone
Like forever would still never be enough
You make me feel, make me feel like I've never been in love
........................................................................
HANNAHâS POV
âSit.â He commanded.
âIâm fine,â
âDo you know why I have called you here?â
âFor this file?â I extended the file that Margaret gave me to take it up to his office. He took it.
I don't think I am ready to face him again; his ruthless words are still so fresh in my memory. I always took his insults head-on, but this time it was too personal, too deep. Honestly, looking at him disgusts me.
But work is work. I canât let my professional life be affected by what happens personally. He promised to make my life hell, and I have to admit heâs become successful to some extent, but I am stronger than that. I will fight for as long as it takes. I donât have to prove anything to anyone. I just have to survive these two years of misery brought upon me by my father. God knows where he is!
Neither could I tell Margaret that I didnât want to encounter him.
So here I am, standing in front of him, trying my hardest not to dwell on what happened over the weekend.
He briefly flipped through the pages of the file and put it on the table. He didnât say anything after that, so I stood there waiting.
A few more minutes passed, and so I decided to break the silence.
âIs that all, sir?"
âNo," he answered right away. Thatâs the quickest reply Iâve had from him.
Again silence.
I stood there to observe his unseen disturbance. Thereâs nothing different about him today. His expressions, body language, and everything else are as usual, yet he doesnât look the same.
âI... I want to,â he paused. I noticed a slight slurring in his speech. I looked at him very carefully but could not tell if he is drunk or not. His expressions are as non-existent and rigid as ever, âI want to talk to you.â
What? He wants to talk to me?
Is there anything left to talk about?
Wasnât he done talking the other day?
That day, I was an idiot to stay there and listen to him without breaking his face, but today, Iâll be damned if I let it happen again. I looked at my watch and realized that my work hours had almost ended, just 2 minutes before I could go home.
âIs it about work?â I asked with a deadpan face, giving him no room to take it further.
âNo, but Iâ¦â I cut him off. Iâm too scared of the hatred that his words hold and their ability to hurt me.
âThen I donât want to listen. My work hours are over.â After that, I didnât stay there for a minute and left his office.
I closed my eyes as I got into the elevator. I am thankful that the elevator was empty. I took deep breaths, closed my eyes, and got back to the studio floor. I sat there for a couple of minutes. Dany offered to drop me home, but I refused and booked an Uber instead.
Two reasons: he canât know where I live, and secondly, I just want to be alone right now.
My ride down the elevator again is the same as every day. AirPods blasting with music, eyes shut, and clenched fists.
Getting into the cab, I reached home.
It didnât improve my mood; in fact, I was feeling more depressed.
Picking up my phone, I dialed Nickâs number. Itâs been way too long since I last talked to him. I know he is busy with his life, but whenever I miss Mom, heâs always there. And I know heâs angry with me but it has not happened once that whenever one of us needed the other we didnât call it truce.
Unfortunately, my call went straight to his voicemail. I left him a text that I'm missing him and asking him to call me back. I know he will get back to me as soon as he sees it.
Thereâs another person Iâm missing right now but I canât call him, I donât have it in me to forgive him just yet. After all, he is the reason behind it all.
Dad.
How did it become so lonely that I have no one to turn to when I miss them? I canât go and meet Aunt Claudia either because one look at me and sheâll get to know it all. Even if I lie, that woman can make me confess to the things that didnât happen as well.
After thinking a lot, I decided to go out on my own. Maybe a little time in nature will soothe my nerves.
After getting my coffee and walking for a while I decided to ditch nature and opted for church instead. Itâs been too long since Iâve not been there.
I got into the nearby Cathedral and sat on a bench. Thankfully, there was no one around at this time.
But in a way, the emptiness of the church reminded me of the emptiness of my life.
When no one is there for you, God is. I know I can rely on Him, and talk to Him.
Thereâs so much to overthinking going on that I feel my mind is clogged. So, I closed my eyes and started talking out loud. No, Iâm not praying as of now but just having a one-to-one conversation with Jesus as Iâm used to doing since childhood.
Itâs not as easy as I thought it would be.
Itâs not just two years.
Itâs TWO YEARS!
Two fucking whole years.
I assumed minding my own business would do the trick if we canât maintain a courteous relationship. But clearly, this is not working out.
Am I to keep taking his insults, and his horrible treatment? I just canât tell him not to do it, now can I?
And I canât escape this either. The consequences of it are too big, especially now. Whatâs done is done. Thereâs no point in turning away now.
For the past 3 months, yeah, it really has been three months, thereâs not a single day that I felt happy or at peace. All this just to pay the price of the deal my dad made. But at what cost, my peace and happiness? And all this while not once did Dad contact me. It hurts too much.
Thinking of all this I feel his words were true. Whatever he said affects me because what he said is the reality. I feel so unwanted, so unimportant, and so broken.
This isn't the first time I've felt this way, especially in these three months.
I donât know, Jesus, what am I to do? My life was far from perfect before but now it is in shambles, I donât see a way out of it. Two years feel like an eternity to me. Please help me out, Father!
I cried out and sat there for a while, prayed, and watched a candle burn out.
After getting it all out, I do feel lighter. No, I didnât get any answers or any ray of hope but I do feel better than before.
I looked at my watch only to realize it is getting late, so, I walked back home.
I feel tired. I guess Iâll skip dinner and go straight to bed.
I opened the door and got inside. I wasnât alone.
He was there, sitting on a sofa, looking at me. Something tells me he's been here for a while now.
He was looking at me and I didn't look away either. When I reached near him, he asked.
âWhere were you?â his eyes piercing through me, not moving an inch away.
I didnât answer.
Iâm too drained to indulge in another argument with him, and honestly, Iâm not ready to even look at him again, specifically, outside the office. There I have no choice but here I do. And more importantly, Iâm not answerable to him.
So avoiding him and his gloomy stare I moved past him without saying a word.
âIâm talking to you!â I can hear the rage in his words but I ignored him and got inside my room and locked it.
I donât know why I locked it as I donât do it before but it felt safer. Who knows what heâs capable of doing?
I sat on the bed for a while trying to distract myself from the fact that he wouldnât hurt me again. I canât be too sure. It wonât be wrong to say that Iâm scared of him and what comes out of his mouth. What if he hurts me physically?
He promised to destroy me and Iâve started to believe him.
Am I scared of him?
I donât know. Maybe.
I just donât see a way to fight back.
About half an hour later, I got up, took a shower, and got into my bed to sleep. It took a while but eventually, I dozed off.
Who knows what tomorrow holds?