Song: 'Unloved' by Lisa Cimorelli
I search for a high, a way to get by
They'll judge no matter what so I don't really mind
I'm never enough so I act like I'm tough
But on the inside, I just wanna cry
..............
Hannah's POV
Finally!!!! The day has arrived
The moment for which one joins college is here.
Yes, you guessed it right...
Tossing graduation caps in the air.
Cause there's no other way to willingly go through torture (unless you're a Christian Grey fan) and I'm not letting anyone tell me otherwise.
Happy and proud, I ran from my fellow graduates to where families were waiting. Even from the distance, we have in between, I can clearly see Aunt Claudia waving like a fanatic towards me and Nick, Uncle Brad beside her. If only mom was here, she would've been so proud. But I'm not getting disheartened cause dad will be here and that is enough to lift my spirit. Beating Nick, I threw my arms around her and hugged her as tightly as possible just as we reached.
"Oh my little girl, I'm so proud of you, my baby," putting her hands around my cheeks she kissed my forehead.
"That's my mom, you know," said Nick shoving me aside and hugging her possessively. Meanwhile, I hugged the life out of Uncle Brad.
"Aww, aren't you a mama's boy," I ruffled his hair just as Aunt Claudia kissed his cheek.
"Stop it you two, I have a reputation here," he hissed looking around trying to set his hair back.
"Where's dad?" I asked looking excitedly everywhere.
The smile from Aunt's face vanished and a sorry expression took place instead.
"What's wrong?" I can't help but be skeptical, he promised he would come, right?
"I'm so sorry, honey, he had a very important meeting he couldn't miss," she answered fidgeting with her fingers avoiding eye contact. I froze. A heavy silence reigned upon us.
"Oh..." my voice became hoarse, so much that it's getting hard to speak, "it's all right, this is not important anyways." I smiled and turned my face down trying to stop myself from crying and I almost succeeded still a traitor tear left my eyes and I wiped it instantly but they noticed anyways.
.....................
It's so good to be home, that too for good. Living away and independently is fun but it's not home. The comfort of your own bed is hard to get in the most luxurious hotel.
We all came back to New York the same day and right now we all are having a celebratory dinner at Nick's place with all our families there...... except my dad.
Standing alone on the balcony with a glass of a mocktail in my hand looking at a beautiful garden and a setting sun, a pleasant May breeze passing through my hazelnut hair, I can't help but think.
What is home exactly?
It's your happy place where you feel secure and loved, surrounded by the people you love the most no matter what. Even though this is my second home, more like first since this is where I've lived mostly and all the people present here tonight love me like a family, I can't help but feel alone.
Despite having all these people around, I miss the single person who didn't even think of calling let alone being present here for his own daughter. Even without wanting it I envy these people around me who have their families around, God knows how much I despise this thought but I can't help it. I know, after mom's death it hasn't been easy for dad to handle everything on his own and I understand that but still, I can't help but be disappointed. No matter how hard I try I can't get rid of this feeling of abandonment, like I'm not good enough, not even for my own father or maybe that's why God took mom away because I didn't deserve her. All these thoughts lead me to believe that one day all these people will realize this and they will leave me, too. Doesn't matter how hard I try to keep this façade of carelessness that I don't care, to ignore the fact that I have feelings too, I still fail to not be hurt.
Love is a hoax; it's just a hallucination until one realizes that it's not real. People say they love you and then they leave, one way or the other, intentionally or not but they do and there's nothing you can do.
And how can people deliberately give others authority over themselves? You give everything to them in the name of love, and they leave you hurt and vulnerable. I can't give that power over me to anybody more than I already have. I can't base my own happiness expecting it from others. I can't demand something which I myself am not capable of. This is why I've never been in a relationship. I don't believe in love, it's just a myth, a fantasy. And I choose reality. A reality where I know better to not be used by people in the name of timely love until they realize it's not real and it's time to leave cause I'm not worth enough. Cause if that happened I'll be the only one left hurt and no one to be blamed.
"Don't," Nick's voice brought me back from my thoughts and that's when I felt wetness on my cheeks. I wiped my face quickly and turned around.
"What don't and for how long have you been standing here?" I asked getting back to my normal self.
"Long enough to know that you've been crying," he answered dead serious.
"No, I'm not, psst, don't be insane," another theory of mine is that if you don't acknowledge something, it doesn't exist. It's like pretending to be blind with perfect eyesight. A cope up the mechanism of some sort, I guess.
"Stop it, Hannah. You don't always have to pretend to be alright, at least not in front of me. You think I can't notice the sadness in your eye even though you deny that Uncle Zach's absence isn't affecting you, that it's not a big deal." he said a little irritated and I looked away unable to look him in the eye.
"Don't look away from me. I don't have to see your tears to know why you're standing here alone. I know you in and out, even better than you know yourself, so this 'I'm a tough guy, I don't feel' attitude is not gonna work with me. I know you're hurt and it's okay. You don't have to suppress it like you always do." with that he hugged me and I can't help but tighten my arms around him.
"I'm always here for you, little sis, never forget that," he whispered kissing my forehead and I nodded believing him. We stood like that for some time until he broke the silence.
"Now wipe your face, we can't let anyone know that the great Hannah has been crying", he said smirking like a jerk that he is.
"I wasn't crying, you bastard," I smacked his arm and he answered 'whatever' while rubbing his arm.
"By the way why are you here, again?"
"Oh, I totally forgot, I came here to get you. Jay is going to propose to Miles," he said grinning from ear to ear.
"What!!" my mouth hung open and Nick closed it with his finger, I can't believe this. "And why I don't know about this?" I folded my arms across my chest.
"It was supposed to be a boys' secret," he pretended to think, his finger tapping his jaw, "I wonder why he didn't tell you"
"Ha ha, very funny," I rolled my eye and he smiled like a maniac.
"Hey come on, hurry up. He's already freaking out, it's hilarious, we've even filmed it," he said looking proud of himself. I shook my head smiling and pulled him to go inside.
That's how the night ended with a double celebration and I feel genuinely happy for the two most important people in my life as they promised to become one.
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A sneak peek inside Hannah's head. what do you think about her believes?
Anyone who can relate?
Don't forget to vote and comment!!!!!!