Song: 'Come Back When You Can' by Barcelona
I've been led on
To think that we've been
Trying for too long
Every time we drift
Were forcing what is wrong
At last that voice is gone
Please take your time
But you've got to know that
I am taking sight
Oh, you look good
With your patient face and wandering eye
Don't hold this war inside
Whoa
Come back when you can
Whoa
Let go, you'll understand
You've done nothing at all, to make me love you less
Whoa
So come back when you can
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ELIJAH'S POV
"I need something to eat before I ruin my Sunday with paperwork," Andy stretched his arms and stood up, "You want something?" I shook my head and he left the room.
Since it's Sunday, I called Andy to go through some paperwork and he insisted we do it at my home and not in the office building.
I peeked out of the window of my home office and saw her playing with Dodi.
A very scenic visual appeared of her hair flying up with a late summer breeze as she ran around the lawn.
The booming voice of her laughter reaching up in my room enticed me more and more to keep looking.
I couldn't take my eyes off her even if I wanted to. And trust me I don't want to, right now.
She looked so carefree and happy just like a child, the carefree giggles of her voice evoking something in me that I can't pinpoint.
Though it's so loud, still it's peaceful.
The joy that one might want in life.
I've never really lived in this house but it's the most livliest now than it has ever been.
I'm surprised at myself that how can I bear such loud noise in my house or my surroundings without being drunk? The voices in my head are always more louder to make my peace with those outside. I've never been too social but for the past 4 years, I've isolated myself from everyone, having people around irritates me, and when they talk to me, I'm hardly listening. I feel comfortable alone with my thoughts and they belong to me only.
But hearing her carefree and innocent laugh, I feel after a very long time, the voices in my head are not overpowering, somehow, they've also calmed down.
It has done something that years of therapy and antidepressants couldn't do.
I didn't realize my heart was accrediting her of fighting with my inner demons.
I've never seen her this side ever before.
Being happy in the littlest things.
I smiled to myself thinking how she blushed when I called her out for checking me out.
Her gaze wasn't lustful but perhaps more innocent.
As someone who's dealt with being admired all his life, I after a long time didn't feel arrogant about it.
The more I stared at her the more I was drawn.
I still don't like her but I don't know what's happening with me that I can't keep her out of my mind. I don't know what happened to me that day when I kissed her.
Why I kissed her is still a mystery to me. But it changed something in me that day. It reminded me of the day when I saw her walking down the aisle, it gave me the same feeling.
A feeling of completeness.
A feel of a void being filled.
I've kissed so many girls but none of them made me feel the things I felt that day, there was something so unexpected and different in that kiss.
The thought of her trembling in my arms and then holding on to me when she couldn't no longer stand on her own and the way my body reacted seeing her so vulnerable for me, in that moment I wanted nothing more but to be her shield and protect her from the whole world, to steal the sadness I often see in her eyes that she's mastered at hiding.
The quivering of her swollen lips made me kiss her harder and never ever stop again. To hold her possessive to myself away from the whole world and never let go of that moment.
To hold still that moment forever and live in it.
It ignited what I've suppressed a long while ago but it's trying to surface back stronger than before.
For a brief moment, it gave me a sense of belonging, that life doesn't need to be so hard, and perhaps I also have a chance at happiness.
There might be an end to my misery.
I know the effect I have on women but to see her react to my body with equal fervor made me realize the trouble I'm in for. I wanted nothing more but to spend my whole life there at that moment.
What is she doing to me?
Why has her presence become such an integral part of my mind, both consciously and subconsciously?
I'm so angry at her for ruining my life but why it doesn't feel ruined lately?
Why I didn't resist when Dad sent me home earlier yesterday but rather wanted an excuse to act on it?
Am I being too harsh on her and myself?
Am I denying myself something I might regret later?
Am I depriving myself of what could be my shot at happiness?
I'm not used to of her presence around me but when I came home early yesterday, it felt so empty and the loneliness bothered me for the first time after a very long time.
But all that I was feeling ended when she came home late last night.
And that too with that same guy from the club that night. I remember the murderous look he had for me in his eyes outside the chapel.
I remember it all.
The rage I experienced at the sight burnt my inside with hatred.
Looking at them from the CCTV I wish to go down and beat the hell out of that guy.
How dare she kiss me like that and still be with another guy? I thought what we shared was something special.
Later when she slept on the couch, she was still smiling thinking about him.
How do I know she was thinking about him?
I just do, that smile was not any ordinary smile.
She really is a slut juggling men at her fingers.
My subconscious and heart can betray me to see her as something she is not, that's why I trust neither.
I believe what my eyes see and what I know is a reality.
For someone who looks so innocent, she's got quite some skills. Maybe that's her game? To look all naive, sad, and innocent to lure guys in.
How pathetic of you to fall for it despite knowing it all.
One kiss doesn't change anything, Elijah.
One kiss will not make you back off from the vow you made.
To ruin her life just like she did.
"Looking at your own wife from behind the curtains? Well done, dude," Andy rolled his eyes at me.
"If you're done let's get to work," I sat back on my chair and opened a file.
"This is my work," he took a bite of his sandwich and sat on the opposite chair.
"It really isn't, Andy, stay out of it," I said sternly.
"I will not unless you tell me" he closed the file back, he was really testing my patience.
"Tell you what, Andrew?"
"This!" he pointed at me, "that you're doing,"
"I'm not doing anything." I opened the file back.
"She's so cute and funny, I can't see why you don't like her?"
"You've certainly seen her," it came out with a hint of accusation.
"Of course, I have and that's why I don't understand your problem. Bro, she's good for you,"
"No she's not, she's a slut and just a forced intrusion in my life that I can't wait to get rid of," I looked him dead in the eye, "you were asking what my problem is, she is. She's my problem,"
"I've never seen you so worked up and negative about girls to get affected like this, and you've been with many sluts. It's weird that with your experience I have to tell you that she's anything but a slut,"
"If you have to tell me then perhaps that proves my point. Have you not noticed how she flirts with all the other men, including you? Everyone is wrapped around her little fingers!" why am I talking to him about this, where is this coming from?
"Are you hearing yourself right now, Elijah? Because I think not. She's friendly and nice, a dog can see that," he pointed out of the window, "that's pathetic of you talk about her like that. She's a happy person, Elijah, who doesn't keep people at her arm's length like you because of her own insecurities, just because you're blinded by rage doesn't mean everyone else is," he reasoned, "would it be such a bad idea to give it a chance?" he asked seriously.
"Since you're so interested to paint her all rainbow and interfere with what's none of your business, let me tell you why you're so wrong in your judgment of hers, maybe, that'll make you shut up," fuck me for having him as my best friend.
So I explained to him everything from when we first met till last night. How this is a complete nightmare and how wrong his and others' impression is of hers. Maybe that'll make them see what I've known all along and why this wasn't a good idea to begin with.
Once I finished I saw him all quiet and not having anything to say. Finally!
When he didn't say anything for a while I realized I'd accomplished my mission to make him sense.
Good.
"Now, come on, let's get to work," I put my work glasses on hoping finally we've had an end to this discussion.
"Don't you think she's keeping her part of the deal and you're not?" he straightened up from his slouched position.
"What?"
"She avoid crossing paths with you as you said. She's keeping busy with her life and doesn't interfere with yours as you said. She acts like you're a couple when it's needed as you said," he raised his eyebrow to put emphasis, "She has kept your words of the deal more sacred, whereas you're the one breaking them at every given point."
Did he not hear what I just told him?
"Didn't you hear how she orchestrated this whole marriage situation and provoked the worst out of me while acting all innocent? Are you that oblivious to the truth?"
"What truth, yours? Who said it that it was her idea?" he reasoned again.
"It certainly wasn't mine, it wasn't the first time some girl tried to get to me through my family but it's only her who succeeded. Can't you see she manipulated Dad along with her father to get her way? How? Because she's too damn good at fooling others." I raised my voice.
"And you're the only one with all the worldly wisdom to see right through her when you don't know shit about her and others are fools to not support your claims. Grow up, Elijah!" he also screamed.
"Whatever, I know what I need to know, I don't need to hear it from you," I am a fool to even consider talking about it to him, "and I will not back away from ruining her life. Thank you for reminding me of my purpose," he's getting on my nerves.
"Do you realize that it's you who wanted revenge but somehow it's always her that came out victorious? You know what I think Elijah, you don't have a problem with her, you have a problem with yourself!" he spat out, "you have a problem that she's not what you wanted her to be and even you can see it but you are too stubborn to admit it. You yourself don't know what you want, you're losing your control over your own emotions, you're playing push and pull with her and with yourself but you're such a fuck head that because of your fragile ego you're willing to let go of one good thing that accidentally but finally happened to you. Do you realize how lucky you are?"
"Lucky to have a slut shoved down my throat and now everyone wants me it swallow,"
"Oh for God's sake, if you call her that one more time, you signed the papers consciously no one put a gun to your head certainly she didn't. You had a choice to say no yet you didn't, no one forced you into it other than yourself, so, start taking responsibility for the circumstances that you sign up for and stop blaming others" he stood quiet for a few seconds and put his hands on his waist, "And how does she become a slut? Didn't you say you both can be with anyone and the other won't have a problem with it?"
His words fall heavy on me like a bucket of cold water just broke on my head.
I'm not wrongly accusing her, am I?
"Yeah, I did but.." he cut me off.
"She never called you out for being with Eva then why are you wanting her loyalty when in return you've done nothing to earn it either you deserve it. You've just seen her with other men and you're accusing her, whereas, she's seeing you practically cheating on her since day one. In my dictionary, that makes you the 'slut'."
"I'm not cheating on her, I don't owe her faithfulness because we're not in a relationship," I sounded hypocritical to myself while saying it. I guess hating someone makes you irrational.
"Yet, you were the one to initiate that kiss, she didn't!"
"Well, she could've rejected it!"
"She did that yesterday and the way you handled it doesn't seem like you took it very well." He paused then started again but this time in a calm tone, "You can't keep hurting her and hoping she'll come back to you. And by the rate you're both going, I believe you have very little time to realize this."
"Okay, if for even a minute I think about that it's not her fault directly, even then I don't want her in my life. If she and her dad hadn't lured Dad into this trap then we wouldn't be here. She said it herself that she was in it for money. Even if she was head over heels in love with me even then I wouldn't have wanted her. I don't like her, never have, and never will."
"First you say that you don't want anything to do with her and now that she's finding her happiness somewhere else you're not okay with it either? Not everything will be the way you want and when you want. I think you've established so far that she's not an ordinary girl to take your toxicity.
"It's not my problem that I don't feel attracted to her. Did you for once consider the possibility that I might actually not like her at all and it won't matter to me if you present her on a gold platter to me, my opinion wouldn't change."
"When have you given yourself the liberty to for once not think of her as the culprit and see her for something other than being evil and conniving? Did you ever consider getting to know her not as your forced partner but merely as a human being because as you tell me all you've ever done is insult her, belittle her, accuse her, hurt her?"
I didn't say anything for a while and neither did he.
It's been so long since Andy and I haven't had an argument like this. But this has to be the first time where he has outdone me. He's being logical and I on the other hand have no idea what I am.
I can subconsciously sense that maybe he's a little right and maybe I'm slightly in the wrong too.
"It's becoming hard to see beyond the veil of your greatness and discover yourself," he said when he saw me rubbing my forehead.
"I thought you were my best friend and not her advocate."
"Yeah, I'm your best friend and I've seen you suffer enough not just now but for the past four years. And now because of your own toxicity and shitty cope-up mechanism, because something bad happened to you and now you'll punish everyone for it."
"I still stand firm to not wanting anything to do with her, not with anyone. I've said this before and I'm saying this now, I don't have that love in me anymore that others are expecting of me. I don't feel anything for her and I never will, her existence in my life angers me. I don't have that place to give anyone else that once Rachel held and still holds, I'm not willing to let go of her. There never be anyone else and that is my loyalty to the one I love," I felt a pang of hurt at the mention of her name.
I no longer take her name in public or out loud, she's no longer a part of my discussion but in my heart and mind all I have is her. Her words are so clear in my head that I forget sometimes that she's not here anymore but is only a fragment of my imagination.
An imagination that is enough for me for a lifetime.
"I know and I respect that but life is too long to live in the past, Elijah, even Rachel would've wanted you to move on. In fact, I can guarantee that if she had chosen anyone for you it would've been Hannah. And who knows, maybe she is the one doing it all from up there," he smiled but this time with a hint of sadness.
"I don't think so, this is what she would've wanted and this is what I'll be doing. No one can take her place."
"You know she's making her way to your heart and you know deep down too how dangerous it'll be for you when that happens that's why you want to put a stop to it before anything happens. Resist all you want with all your might and keep denying what's so obvious to me but I can't wait for the day when you'll have to eat your own words because I can see it happening very soon." He smirked.
"Will you shut up now? Get to work." I picked up the damned file for the nth time.
"Nah, bro, I'm tired now. Being a lawyer is no easy task," he wiped fake sweat from his forehead.
"You're a fucking moron, you did all this just so you couldn't work.
"No objection, your Honor, guilty as charged. It was worth it though,"
"Fuck off, Andy, I have a really important meeting tomorrow and I need this fucking done!" I he for real
"My work here is done, good sir, I shall report to you tomorrow," he snatched the file from my hand, saluted, and then opened the door wide and marched out.
I followed him out and saw her sitting in the lounge with a large box of pizza.
Does all she eats is pizza?
"Oh hey, you want pizza?" hearing our voices she turned around and offered him some with her mouth still full.
"Feed it to this fucking pig!" he stormed out then came back, took a slice from her, kissed her forehead then headed back out, and that too not before showing me a finger.
She looked at his weirdness with concern then shrugged and turned towards me.
"You want pizza?" She offered me the half-eaten slice in her hand.
I stomped my feet and went back to my office.
That wasn't my idea of a productive Sunday.
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Author's note:
A long chapter.
Our boy, Andy, shines throughout the chapter. I think he's the voice of sanity we all wanted Elijah to hear.
What do you think is going on in Elijah's mind to creat such conflict? His confusion to change of feelings towards Hannah are because of fear or does he dislike her as passionately as he says?
What are your thoughts on this?
Hmm, since everyone one is nice and rooting for #ELINAH, you think we need some evil twist and turns to the story?
P.s shout-out to SilverAlter for the beautiful ship name for my babies. I love it!!! ð
Don't forget to throw in your great suggestions.
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Much loveð ð